A Heartfelt Letter From Your Pastor

Dear Members of the Church,

It has come to the attention of the staff that our attendance is down. This is because we are in the end times. Satan has made his presence felt in the U.S. and elsewhere. Young people are leaving the church in droves. They are the new Millennials who haven’t had the discipline and upbringing that you and I have had.

Consequently, starting next Sunday we will be taking a special offering to pay for emergency maintenance. Special offering #2 will still be in place to cover the mission trip to the Seychelles. If you plan on going on this exciting adventure for Christ, please have your $3,000 turned in to Judy by the 15th of this month.

Special offering #1 is still the most important. This will cover the $5,000 needed for our annual Fall Festival. We are asking for 117 volunteers to make this important event happen. See Judy for the sign-up sheet. We will also need 30 lbs of candy (chocolates only please), 20 cases of soda (name-brand preferably), 100 bags of nacho chips and 50 hula-hoops.
Because October is just around the corner, we would appreciate these items be turned in to Judy by the 15th of next month.

Now for some unpleasant business. Counseling services for anyone (big-donor members on a case-by-case basis) will be suspended. I and my three associate pastors are just too busy to hear about your problems. Seriously, there are way too many of you. No one can expect us to help (or even care about) all of you.

Pastor Bob is busy with the kid's ministry. Pastor John is busy with the music ministry. Pastor Mike is still in training and not even drawing a salary. How do you expect him to do anything? And I am busy supervising the other three, so I certainly don’t have any time.

If you have a problem, just come up to the front right after Sunday services and we will say a 90-second prayer for you. If you are truly a disciple of Christ, that should suffice. If you really think it’s that important and you need someone to talk to, I have good news! We now have a counselor on staff. Dr. Barbara Bergermeister has her PhD in clinical psychology from Harvard. You can sign up for an introductory session for only $139. See Judy for details.

And now for even more unpleasant business. It has come to my attention that tithing is way down. Like I stated last Sunday, I didn’t spend eight years in school to get my Ph.D. in Theology just so me, my wife and eight kids can live under a bridge. I can get a job making a heck of a lot more money outside the church if I wanted to. Just keep that in mind. By the way, I feel truly blessed that none of my kids have to go to one of those cruddy public schools. A heartfelt thank you goes out to those of you who actually tithe for making that happen.

The bottom line is, you must tithe. After all, you don’t want to end up like Ananias and Sapphira do you? If the collection plates don’t start filling up a little faster, we may have to cut Judy’s salary. And that would be a doggone shame! If you can’t donate at least $100 to the church each month, please just stay home.

And now a closing thought. Because I’m just so busy being the Head Supreme CEO-Pastor of our fine church, I am hereby making myself perpetually unavailable to anyone ( I have a book to write, you know). If you need to contact me for any reason, please fill out the contact form on the web site. Or just simply leave a message with Judy.

Gotta go for now. I’m getting ready for our monthly elders-meeting at the country club. They’re serving lobster tails ala kabob this month. Yum!

May God truly bless each one of you as you strive to serve Christ as I do.

Your Friendly, Caring, Loving Pastor



______________________________
(fill in your pastor's name here)

My closing thought is that you might consider leaving that church. Also, sadly, there was no mention of coffee and donut fellowship after the service. Maybe Judy is embezzling the funds. Just a thought. I tried to leave a message for her but kept getting a busy signal.

Is this a satire?

Just a thought! No, not today.

I don’t know how to feel about the state of the Churches overall. On one hand it’s tragic to see that human greed, pride, and false doctrine has infiltrated the body, but on the other this has been going on since the time of the Apostles. The more things change the more they stay the same.

Now desert you know why many have left your church! Your candlestick may one day be removed. Church is not suppose to be a business as you look to clearly make yours.To busy? Do we find any scripture where Jesus said he was to busy for another?? You want the money, you just do not wish to put in the time!! A rude awakeing is coming to many church's such as this.( Rom 13:11-14) If you cannot donate at least 100 dollars stay home?? Then you look to bring fear upon the sheep?? ( 2 Cor 9:7-9) about giving?? A strong rebuke is what you will receive!( 2 Cor 2:17) I cannot write anymore because my flesh may just get into the way of it! WOE is YOU!

It has been years. The OP had me remembering a ptr we had in a southern province. He was a fisherman the Lord called. For a few yrs after, the Lord put it in our heart to support them. It wasn't even a big amount, but from the abundance God gave us and our growing family.. They were very happy and grateful, they said. Today we still do not have our own home.. but will soon have. We moved as the Lord called us, but in quiet/peaceful places, w/ simple provisions. We hardly have vacations... I do not really buy myself many clothes, but one sister (same height and build) esp likes to give me nice clothes at Christmas or other time-- wc lasts for the year and more=))... and barely need makeups, wc I haven't bought for years either. I haven't found that a problem-- I haven't time to do that hehe. But i pray to visit the sick, and still those in prison if the Lord wills...

Yes, this post was meant to be satirical in nature. Sadly, there is some truth to it, however. Pastors (and their staff) have become CEO's instead of shepherds. I was attempting to point that sad fact out in this melodramatic piece. I think most of us have run into a pastor or two who have displayed at least some of these attributes in the past.

Okay then. What are you going to do about it? It's time you put me and others like me out of business. Here are some suggestions:

1. Get a few of your friends from church together at your house next Sunday, instead of meeting at the church you normally attend.
2. Have each person read their favorite passage from the bible.
3. Sing a few of your favorite Christian songs (or hymns) together as a small group
4. Find out what each other's needs are
5. Pray for each other and make a commitment to help each other the following week
6. Take what you normally tithe to the church and give it to that single mom who lives on the other side of town. Or, you can simply give it to someone who you think deserves it the least. That way you can display the kind of grace Jesus has shown to you.

The Lord does not need my help! lol He knows what to do. Just remember you were spoken to. Isaiah 50:4

No, that is true, but he works through us to bless us. Otherwise, he would not have given us the command:

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. Matt. 28: 19-29

He didn't say, go to church and let one guy do all the work while you sit there and listen to him for an hour a week.

This has to be a joke....surely.

Yes, it was meant to be satirical. Unfortunately, there is a lot of truth to it. I have heard pastors who actually admit to this way of thinking, at least in part.

Desert is right there! Love believes all things desert, LOOL I bought into this as being a true statement!! LOL You got me! I bought it, because I have seen it! While very true we are to make, disciples,the disciple must also first be prepared!

If I brought you to a jungle and said we must walk a mile to the other side of the jungle,would we not first prepare first? LOL Of Course hence why the elders of the Church should play a major role to aid the pastor,that is why they are there in the first place. To train! Grace instructs!( Titus 2:11-12) Hope I did not offed you personally desert,but I believed you. I just wish to warn.

I honestly don't think it is a matter of greed or pride. It's a systemic failure of churches in general. We're doubling down on the current model of putting buildings over people. The evidence of this is the influx of megachurches. The buildings, expensive programs, and inflated pastor salaries are putting even more of a financial burden on the individual Christ-follower.