Dear Members of the Church,
It has come to the attention of the staff that our attendance is down. This is because we are in the end times. Satan has made his presence felt in the U.S. and elsewhere. Young people are leaving the church in droves. They are the new Millennials who haven’t had the discipline and upbringing that you and I have had.
Consequently, starting next Sunday we will be taking a special offering to pay for emergency maintenance. Special offering #2 will still be in place to cover the mission trip to the Seychelles. If you plan on going on this exciting adventure for Christ, please have your $3,000 turned in to Judy by the 15th of this month.
Special offering #1 is still the most important. This will cover the $5,000 needed for our annual Fall Festival. We are asking for 117 volunteers to make this important event happen. See Judy for the sign-up sheet. We will also need 30 lbs of candy (chocolates only please), 20 cases of soda (name-brand preferably), 100 bags of nacho chips and 50 hula-hoops.
Because October is just around the corner, we would appreciate these items be turned in to Judy by the 15th of next month.
Now for some unpleasant business. Counseling services for anyone (big-donor members on a case-by-case basis) will be suspended. I and my three associate pastors are just too busy to hear about your problems. Seriously, there are way too many of you. No one can expect us to help (or even care about) all of you.
Pastor Bob is busy with the kid's ministry. Pastor John is busy with the music ministry. Pastor Mike is still in training and not even drawing a salary. How do you expect him to do anything? And I am busy supervising the other three, so I certainly don’t have any time.
If you have a problem, just come up to the front right after Sunday services and we will say a 90-second prayer for you. If you are truly a disciple of Christ, that should suffice. If you really think it’s that important and you need someone to talk to, I have good news! We now have a counselor on staff. Dr. Barbara Bergermeister has her PhD in clinical psychology from Harvard. You can sign up for an introductory session for only $139. See Judy for details.
And now for even more unpleasant business. It has come to my attention that tithing is way down. Like I stated last Sunday, I didn’t spend eight years in school to get my Ph.D. in Theology just so me, my wife and eight kids can live under a bridge. I can get a job making a heck of a lot more money outside the church if I wanted to. Just keep that in mind. By the way, I feel truly blessed that none of my kids have to go to one of those cruddy public schools. A heartfelt thank you goes out to those of you who actually tithe for making that happen.
The bottom line is, you must tithe. After all, you don’t want to end up like Ananias and Sapphira do you? If the collection plates don’t start filling up a little faster, we may have to cut Judy’s salary. And that would be a doggone shame! If you can’t donate at least $100 to the church each month, please just stay home.
And now a closing thought. Because I’m just so busy being the Head Supreme CEO-Pastor of our fine church, I am hereby making myself perpetually unavailable to anyone ( I have a book to write, you know). If you need to contact me for any reason, please fill out the contact form on the web site. Or just simply leave a message with Judy.
Gotta go for now. I’m getting ready for our monthly elders-meeting at the country club. They’re serving lobster tails ala kabob this month. Yum!
May God truly bless each one of you as you strive to serve Christ as I do.
Your Friendly, Caring, Loving Pastor
______________________________
(fill in your pastor's name here)
It has come to the attention of the staff that our attendance is down. This is because we are in the end times. Satan has made his presence felt in the U.S. and elsewhere. Young people are leaving the church in droves. They are the new Millennials who haven’t had the discipline and upbringing that you and I have had.
Consequently, starting next Sunday we will be taking a special offering to pay for emergency maintenance. Special offering #2 will still be in place to cover the mission trip to the Seychelles. If you plan on going on this exciting adventure for Christ, please have your $3,000 turned in to Judy by the 15th of this month.
Special offering #1 is still the most important. This will cover the $5,000 needed for our annual Fall Festival. We are asking for 117 volunteers to make this important event happen. See Judy for the sign-up sheet. We will also need 30 lbs of candy (chocolates only please), 20 cases of soda (name-brand preferably), 100 bags of nacho chips and 50 hula-hoops.
Because October is just around the corner, we would appreciate these items be turned in to Judy by the 15th of next month.
Now for some unpleasant business. Counseling services for anyone (big-donor members on a case-by-case basis) will be suspended. I and my three associate pastors are just too busy to hear about your problems. Seriously, there are way too many of you. No one can expect us to help (or even care about) all of you.
Pastor Bob is busy with the kid's ministry. Pastor John is busy with the music ministry. Pastor Mike is still in training and not even drawing a salary. How do you expect him to do anything? And I am busy supervising the other three, so I certainly don’t have any time.
If you have a problem, just come up to the front right after Sunday services and we will say a 90-second prayer for you. If you are truly a disciple of Christ, that should suffice. If you really think it’s that important and you need someone to talk to, I have good news! We now have a counselor on staff. Dr. Barbara Bergermeister has her PhD in clinical psychology from Harvard. You can sign up for an introductory session for only $139. See Judy for details.
And now for even more unpleasant business. It has come to my attention that tithing is way down. Like I stated last Sunday, I didn’t spend eight years in school to get my Ph.D. in Theology just so me, my wife and eight kids can live under a bridge. I can get a job making a heck of a lot more money outside the church if I wanted to. Just keep that in mind. By the way, I feel truly blessed that none of my kids have to go to one of those cruddy public schools. A heartfelt thank you goes out to those of you who actually tithe for making that happen.
The bottom line is, you must tithe. After all, you don’t want to end up like Ananias and Sapphira do you? If the collection plates don’t start filling up a little faster, we may have to cut Judy’s salary. And that would be a doggone shame! If you can’t donate at least $100 to the church each month, please just stay home.
And now a closing thought. Because I’m just so busy being the Head Supreme CEO-Pastor of our fine church, I am hereby making myself perpetually unavailable to anyone ( I have a book to write, you know). If you need to contact me for any reason, please fill out the contact form on the web site. Or just simply leave a message with Judy.
Gotta go for now. I’m getting ready for our monthly elders-meeting at the country club. They’re serving lobster tails ala kabob this month. Yum!
May God truly bless each one of you as you strive to serve Christ as I do.
Your Friendly, Caring, Loving Pastor
______________________________
(fill in your pastor's name here)
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