Dear sisters and brothers,
I am new here and will likely not be here long. But I am in desperate need of some wisdom and encouragement from unbiased people who seek the Lord first and foremost. I apologize this is so long and sincerely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all the way through and respond.
I am 18 and have been a Christian most of my life. I was blessed to be raised in a strong Christian home with great parents. I am the oldest of ten, homeschooled, country bumpkin kids. I have a quiet, shy, strong, capable personality and tend to always pick myself back up and trust the Lord to work all things out for His glory no matter how bad it gets. Sometimes I struggle with depression or anxiety for a few days but usually I am cheerful and optimistic. People seem to connect with me and share a lot of their burdens and sorrows. Somehow I’ve been able to encourage and help people in this way. It can be hard to bare, but Jesus is really the one who carries everything. I believe it is a gift I’ve been given and pray continuously that the Lord will be glorified by it.
So Now for the real reason for this post...
I have been In a relationship/courting This 21 year old young man since the beginning of this January. But we’ve grown up around each other and been friends for awhile. We go to the same church and have similar social circles. I have not been in any Romantic relationship prior to him, and am a virgin. He was also raised in a Christian home with great parents. (His mom has been my mentor for a couple years). He is saved and has a heart for the Lord. He is kinda a loner, very private, has problems with self-criticism and blame and doubt, he’s been deeply hurt by Some of his Broken family (Brother, grandparents, etc.), and struggles with hopelessness sometimes. But he has one of the strongest personalities I’ve ever seen. His character is honorable. He is loving, servant-minded, honest, Has insane amounts of creativity, hard working, possesses a hilarious sense of humor, Encouraging, kind, sweet, playful, wise with his resources, and ambitious with his endeavors.
I’ve been deeply Blessed by our relationship and we have grown very close. We are emotionally and spiritually connected. We have taken precautions and set boundaries from the beginning because we both desire purity in our walk. We have kissed some In the past, but We decided that even that was too much Of a temptation and we did not want to go there. He has dealt honorable towards me from the beginning and gone through my dad’s authority as well. He has become very precious to me and I to him. We have had a few rough spot but they’ve brought us closer together. We have not shied away from discussions a possible Future with one another and he has told me three different times that he wants to marry me.
This Is the hard part. He told me this in the beginning: he has been in one short relationship before when he was 16/17. Neither him nor the girl had very much spiritual or parental input at the time. (His parents were wrapped up in his brother’s rebellious life at the time) They had sex twice, but afterwards he decided he could not be in a relationship with her anymore and they broke up. Ever since that time he was terrified to be in a relationship because he didn’t want to “fail again”.
(Until I came along) It absolutely killed me when he told me that. I had hoped, as every girl hopes, to be his first time. But now I felt robbed of that God ordained treasure. We got through it and there’s been healing.
Then a couple months later He told me that he struggles with porn.
At one point in our relationship he had looked at it and it was killing his conscience so bad, that he told me everything. He said it was really bad when he was 12-16/17. Then he got right with the lord and got re-baptized. Last summer he had gotten into it again. After that, hating himself He’d stopped. Yet another hard blow. But I looked at his character and the fact he was honest with me about all of it and we got through that too. This morning I started to text him good morning and found a message from him saying:
“”Hey I need to tell you something. this afternoon and evening I was struggling with that problem I have and I failed again and I'm vary sorry and I hate myself for it and I feel like you need to know this sooner then later I would ask for your forgiveness but I understand if you are not ready.””
It was such a hard blow to take and I’ve been on the edge of breaking down all day. He also said:
“”You don’t deserve this. You deserve someone better. You have every right to be mad””
One of the things I told him:
“”Also, you need to know how it makes me feel knowing your sexuality is being fed by these sorts of things. One, terribly heartbroken, because it feels like I’m not worth waiting for enough for you to abstain from these things.
Two, extremely self conscious, especially of dressing nice or femininely because I’m afraid you might see me poorly or through a dirty mind because of what you look at.
Three, jealous, because not only does it Change how you see me, but also how you see other girls’ bodies especially ones that don’t dress modestly. And four, inferior and heartbroken, because if, and hopefully when, we marry and give ourselves to one another my body will not be like those porn images. It won’t be smooth and spray tanned and waxed and airbrushed and edited everywhere. It won’t be full and busty and “perfect”. It’s just going to be me, as I am. Imperfect and flawed and natural and just exactly the way God made me.
It’s really hard. Your mind and sexuality is use to being aroused and temporarily fulfilled by these false images, even if it’s been a long time since you looked at anything, it puts fear and self criticism and questioning in my heart towards you. I don’t want that.””
All along we’ve been there for each other. We’ve encouraged and built each other up. He has been a comfort and a steady friend. We are very much growing in Steadfast love and care And have a heart to serve each other. I I so deeply desire is to see him become the man he was created to be. Strong and bold. Fearless and valiant in the spiritual battles we face. I told him I could not go into marriage until I knew he had faced his battle and won. I know how hard the addiction can be. But he has to walk in complete purity. Am I blinded by infatuation? Am I caught up in some sort of fantasy romance in my head? Am I young and stupid? Is he not worth it anymore? I see him fighting and hating that sin in his life and not wanting that for himself anymore. How do I help him? I can’t fight his battles, so how do I encourage him? How do I show forgiveness, not tolerance? How do I know when it’s time to leave the relationship? How to I be the girlfriend that I’m supposed to be? Most of all, how do I interact with his weakness in a strong, loving, and ultimately God honoring way?
I am new here and will likely not be here long. But I am in desperate need of some wisdom and encouragement from unbiased people who seek the Lord first and foremost. I apologize this is so long and sincerely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all the way through and respond.
I am 18 and have been a Christian most of my life. I was blessed to be raised in a strong Christian home with great parents. I am the oldest of ten, homeschooled, country bumpkin kids. I have a quiet, shy, strong, capable personality and tend to always pick myself back up and trust the Lord to work all things out for His glory no matter how bad it gets. Sometimes I struggle with depression or anxiety for a few days but usually I am cheerful and optimistic. People seem to connect with me and share a lot of their burdens and sorrows. Somehow I’ve been able to encourage and help people in this way. It can be hard to bare, but Jesus is really the one who carries everything. I believe it is a gift I’ve been given and pray continuously that the Lord will be glorified by it.
So Now for the real reason for this post...
I have been In a relationship/courting This 21 year old young man since the beginning of this January. But we’ve grown up around each other and been friends for awhile. We go to the same church and have similar social circles. I have not been in any Romantic relationship prior to him, and am a virgin. He was also raised in a Christian home with great parents. (His mom has been my mentor for a couple years). He is saved and has a heart for the Lord. He is kinda a loner, very private, has problems with self-criticism and blame and doubt, he’s been deeply hurt by Some of his Broken family (Brother, grandparents, etc.), and struggles with hopelessness sometimes. But he has one of the strongest personalities I’ve ever seen. His character is honorable. He is loving, servant-minded, honest, Has insane amounts of creativity, hard working, possesses a hilarious sense of humor, Encouraging, kind, sweet, playful, wise with his resources, and ambitious with his endeavors.
I’ve been deeply Blessed by our relationship and we have grown very close. We are emotionally and spiritually connected. We have taken precautions and set boundaries from the beginning because we both desire purity in our walk. We have kissed some In the past, but We decided that even that was too much Of a temptation and we did not want to go there. He has dealt honorable towards me from the beginning and gone through my dad’s authority as well. He has become very precious to me and I to him. We have had a few rough spot but they’ve brought us closer together. We have not shied away from discussions a possible Future with one another and he has told me three different times that he wants to marry me.
This Is the hard part. He told me this in the beginning: he has been in one short relationship before when he was 16/17. Neither him nor the girl had very much spiritual or parental input at the time. (His parents were wrapped up in his brother’s rebellious life at the time) They had sex twice, but afterwards he decided he could not be in a relationship with her anymore and they broke up. Ever since that time he was terrified to be in a relationship because he didn’t want to “fail again”.
(Until I came along) It absolutely killed me when he told me that. I had hoped, as every girl hopes, to be his first time. But now I felt robbed of that God ordained treasure. We got through it and there’s been healing.
Then a couple months later He told me that he struggles with porn.
At one point in our relationship he had looked at it and it was killing his conscience so bad, that he told me everything. He said it was really bad when he was 12-16/17. Then he got right with the lord and got re-baptized. Last summer he had gotten into it again. After that, hating himself He’d stopped. Yet another hard blow. But I looked at his character and the fact he was honest with me about all of it and we got through that too. This morning I started to text him good morning and found a message from him saying:
“”Hey I need to tell you something. this afternoon and evening I was struggling with that problem I have and I failed again and I'm vary sorry and I hate myself for it and I feel like you need to know this sooner then later I would ask for your forgiveness but I understand if you are not ready.””
It was such a hard blow to take and I’ve been on the edge of breaking down all day. He also said:
“”You don’t deserve this. You deserve someone better. You have every right to be mad””
One of the things I told him:
“”Also, you need to know how it makes me feel knowing your sexuality is being fed by these sorts of things. One, terribly heartbroken, because it feels like I’m not worth waiting for enough for you to abstain from these things.
Two, extremely self conscious, especially of dressing nice or femininely because I’m afraid you might see me poorly or through a dirty mind because of what you look at.
Three, jealous, because not only does it Change how you see me, but also how you see other girls’ bodies especially ones that don’t dress modestly. And four, inferior and heartbroken, because if, and hopefully when, we marry and give ourselves to one another my body will not be like those porn images. It won’t be smooth and spray tanned and waxed and airbrushed and edited everywhere. It won’t be full and busty and “perfect”. It’s just going to be me, as I am. Imperfect and flawed and natural and just exactly the way God made me.
It’s really hard. Your mind and sexuality is use to being aroused and temporarily fulfilled by these false images, even if it’s been a long time since you looked at anything, it puts fear and self criticism and questioning in my heart towards you. I don’t want that.””
All along we’ve been there for each other. We’ve encouraged and built each other up. He has been a comfort and a steady friend. We are very much growing in Steadfast love and care And have a heart to serve each other. I I so deeply desire is to see him become the man he was created to be. Strong and bold. Fearless and valiant in the spiritual battles we face. I told him I could not go into marriage until I knew he had faced his battle and won. I know how hard the addiction can be. But he has to walk in complete purity. Am I blinded by infatuation? Am I caught up in some sort of fantasy romance in my head? Am I young and stupid? Is he not worth it anymore? I see him fighting and hating that sin in his life and not wanting that for himself anymore. How do I help him? I can’t fight his battles, so how do I encourage him? How do I show forgiveness, not tolerance? How do I know when it’s time to leave the relationship? How to I be the girlfriend that I’m supposed to be? Most of all, how do I interact with his weakness in a strong, loving, and ultimately God honoring way?
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