Advice available

Hi brothers and sisters

I'm not single, and certainly not looking in any way, shape or form, ha ha, but I note on the description of this thread that it's also open for advice. I realize I'm new here, and totally unproven / untested, but having had a rather "interesting" set of experiences spanning 4 decades with love, relationships, marriage and the like, and having a very empathetic heart, AND having spent time on Quora giving a lot of advice (that has received millions of views and thousands of shares), I feel I have something to offer those who might like to ask about love, romance and relationships.

A little about me, from which you can take what you will:
Having grown up in a conservative Christian family, I began "looking for love" in my early teens. My focus was always on traditional heterosexual relationships (odd that in 2020 one has to be specific about such things ), and unlike many I had no interest in "dating" or "playing the field". I wanted to love and be loved, to be in a stable, "monogamous" relationship that was kind, supportive, caring, mature, and not "just for a laugh". Right from the start, I was always interested in a "serious" relationship. I had no interest in playing around, "test driving" multiple possible partners and so on. Although, like many men, I always desired to have a good-looking woman on whom to place my love and affections, I very soon figured out that looks weren't everything, and that indeed many of the "beautiful people", men and women, were only so on the outside. I know this is a generalization, but I include it as I believe it speaks to the type of person I am: I'm far more interested in a beautiful heart than a beautiful face.

Also like many weak Christians, I had rather "porous" physical boundaries for a time, regrettably, and lacked the maturity to really deal to my inner heart issues that were driving poor decision-making and focusing on women who weren't really suitable to my personality type. That is to say, I know what it's like to be driven by a sense of desperation and loneliness. During that time I struggled greatly with severe depression, but that's a whole other story. During my "quest for love", I ended up getting married twice, and divorced twice. The first one was my "fault" (at least mine more than hers - but at least I had the courage to pull the plug on a dead, lifeless, sexless marriage that had us living as strangers), the second one most definitely her "fault" (no matter how one dresses it up, cheating on one's spouse is never excusable).

Over the years as my faith has ebbed and flowed, I've been involved in "serious" (and compromising) relationships with 2 non-christian women. So, from that I know what it's like to live in spiritual compromise and the damage that does to a person on every level, including financial. From very early on in the piece, I developed an unfortunate habit of being a "rescuer", which really, at the base of it all, was the reason for the failures of all the relationships I was involved in. I could speak about that at some considerable length, but suffice it to say I understand quite a lot surrounding that - including how incredibly common it is for people to end up in relationships, even marriage, as the result of sweeping in as another person's "rescuer", only to have it blow up in their faces some months or years later.

On the positive side, ha ha, I have over 30+ years availed myself of a LOT of reading and video material on how to have a good relationship. Underlying flaws in my thinking notwithstanding, I can see that my overall ability to communicate and treat a love interest well has developed faster, better and more maturely than many people I've observed in life, so despite my missteps and errors, I feel quite happy and blessed that at least I've done "well" in that side of things. Which, of course, what leads me to offer my services here. The number of people I've met over the last 20 years who have poor relationship communication skills, and little to no idea about how to treat someone of the opposite sex while in a relationship, is quite stunning, and sad. A few of the books I've read, and recommend, are "The 5 Love Languages" (Gary Smalley), "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", "Mars And Venus on a Date" and "Fit to be Tied" (Bill Hybels), to name but a few. I've attended at least 3 reasonably good marriage seminars, and watched a good number of excellent relationship / marriage videos, most Christian, including the must-see "Tail of Two Brains" by Mark Gungor (available on YouTube for free).

I don't promise to have all the answers, to be able to "fix" every problem or situation, or to give perfect advice: only the Lord has the means and skills for such things. But I can promise to always answer as truthfully and accurately and prayerfully as I can, that I am passionate about people having GREAT relationships, not just "OK" ones, and that I will not use any kind of demeaning or critical language, no matter how much you've screwed up. I'm the kind of person who loves seeing others built up, lifted up, and empowered to excel in life, in relationships. I'm not your judge, or even your jury; just a fellow Christian with a few "miles on the clock" who might be in a position where the Lord can reach out to you and bring positive change in you and your relationships.

Be blessed, brothers and sisters, in Jesus' Name!
Peter

Yeah, I have a question. How does a guy effectively get matchmakers to leave him alone? I am happy with my life, probably apathetic about romance and I see no need to change. How do I fend off all the well-meaning people who want to change my life for me, without resorting to a flamethrower?

Nuclear ICBM launch would work.

Yes, well... that's rather in the opposite direction. I'm looking for a less destructive way, not a more destructive one. Apparently skin grafts are getting expensive these days and I really should stop using even the flamethrower, let alone a nuke.

lol why is this in the singles forum should be in the family forum for old married couples to answer.

I'm guessing this thread won't get a lot of activity. At least not for what it's about. Mostly the regulars here are seasoned singles and have been discussing all kinds of areas about being single for years.

Also having advice read or even shared proves nothing whatsoever. Lots of bad advice gets circulated constantly.
And being on Quora is essentially just a type of Wikipedia where anyone can say anything.

The rest I didn't even skim. Few people will read anything that long in a forum, and most who would are in the BDF. And that's only so they can argue every detail. But someone spending all that time trying to convince strangers they have all the answers is even less likely.

As an advice giver myself the majority of the people that will listen are people who you are in agreement with what they want to hear. Second to that is people that have been around you enough to know if you're worth listening to or not. Lastly a few random strangers desperate for answers of any kind, and typically they have no discernment.

Ima pro, in regards to relationships, Ive been in many many of them. Ya so, pert near all of rm ended in disaster.
Either way, Ive tons of experience. Maybe we can collaborate, or would that be commiserate? Anyway, just funnin.
Have a good day!

I actually have some advice for couples.
DONT KILL EACH OTHER.

thats all I have really. Good luck.

Interesting questions, thanks Lynx! I've never, ever had anyone ask me that one before. Coming from a culture that doesn't really "suffer" from matchmaker activity, I've not seen it up close and personal, and have certainly never had to contend with it myself. But, since a good way to approach anything is from a Biblical perspective, my advice would be to speak directly, yet kindly, to such people along the lines of "Thanks for your concern, but I have no need for any match-making and am quite happy as I am." And if they are persistent, which IMHO is rude, you'll need to follow that up with "I'd appreciate you not doing any more matchmaking on my behalf, thank you". Jesus was always a direct person when truth needed to be told. Many of us suck at "telling the truth in love", myself included, but that doesn't void the need for us to push through uncomfortable things to do what's necessary. I'm hearing you on how annoying this issue is for you Lynx. The only one with the "power" to make it go away is you (and I don't mean that unkindly), which will take some boldness and forthrightness on your part. Depending on your culture, your firm refusal may go down like a lead balloon, but I believe approaching this situation with a boldness that is neither rude nor upitty could well yield results, especially of you stick at it. I'm sorry there's no "magic bullet" for this one (not that there usually is for many things in life), but it could well be the Lord wants you to push through this as part of your "training" here on Earth, so you could look at it that way.

Ah, thanks for the lovely big bucket of cold water, subhumanoidal. I don't see how dumping all over me was in any way helpful, and it's certainly not very brotherly or useful on a Christian forum, now is it? I think it would be useful to refrain from being negative. You have no idea how good my advice is, or how many hundreds of people I've helped, or how many people even today still ask for my help, so pooh-poohing me is both very un-Jesus-like and kinda spiteful for no good reason. It could well be you have some bitterness and other heart issues you need to attend to. The fact you took such a negative tone and tact, in a Christian forum, with someone you don't know but who clearly likes helping others, is very disappointing. I expect better from Christian brothers in this "dog eat dog" world. This should be a safe place for us to come to, not just another social media platform where people "let it all hang out" with no regard for others' feelings or well-being. There's a good reason I don't post on Quora any more - it's become a rather nasty, unpleasant place to be, where people are quick on the trigger as you have been. All advice can be good or bad - no one has the market cornered on "perfect advice", even "professional counsellors". I'm not obliged to offer anything to anyone. My life is plenty busy. But, I like helping people, I've had a LOT of experience in relationships, and I've observed over the decades that most people suck at relationships and communication (the latter being very much the case with you). So, before you play "Mr Wetblanket", perhaps a prayerful pause and a bit of respect for those who might know better than you would be helpful?

Because singles need as much help as they can get, Lanolin. No point having the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff. It's far better, IMHO, to offer advice to those looking to get into serious relationships. Since I've observed most people have little to no idea about how to have a good relationship (and that's backed up by decades of watching others screw up the most basic things like understanding the other sex, having no idea how to communicate openly and honestly, and seeing the "trail of tears" that litters places like Quora and other platforms where people ask for advice no things that are basic "Relationship 101" stuff), I thought it would be helpful and useful for younger ones to make use of the experience of someone who's made most of the basic mistakes and can offer godly perspective and advice they won't likely get for 20-30 years. I wish I'd had someone like me I could talk to in my late teens and early 20's. Would've saved a LOT of heartache and pain.

I had to laugh at this term "seasoned singles". I mean, it made me throw up in my mouth a little, but .... is what it is, no?

Hi Peter!

Welcome to the CC, and in particular, the forums! I saw your other post in which you said you don't have children -- we have a wide mix of singles here, and there are many members here who don't have children as well, so I think you'll find several others here with whom you have a lot in common.

I do have a question for you. We were talking about this in another recent thread. As you spend some time in the forums, you'll see that there are many people here who ask for help with breaking addictions to porn and various sexual fixations.

If the person is single, the general Christian advice is to always quote 1 Corinthians 7:9 -- "It is better to marry than to burn with passion," -- as if this is a cure-all for every sexual curiosity and need.

What is your opinion of this?

* Does marriage really "cure" the "burning"?

* Can Christian singles expect marriage to be the answer to all the sexual longings they feel they have to try to subdue or ignore in their single lives?

Because many of the people who ask for help with sexual addictions -- are also married.

Thanks for sharing your resume of experiences and relationship education -- I'm interested in what you think of this advice, since it basically seems to say, "Quick, look for someone you can rope into marrying you, then you can finally have sex, and all will be well (and you will finally be right with the Lord!)"

I've always wondered how many married people feel that marriage truly "cured" them of the things they were struggling with, and have talked about doing a poll in the Family Forum (where more marrieds hang out.)

And if marriage "isn't" "THE CURE"... Then what is?

What's missing from tried-and-true Biblical advice of "marrying so that you don't burn"?

Thanks very much, and hope you enjoy your stay here!

"Seasoned Singles"

Boldness and forthrightness...

Heh. He don't know me very well, do he?

Believe me, I can be as blunt as subhumanoidal when the situation requires it. But some well-meaning people with too much time on their hands are doggone persistent.

(I bet you think I meant the part about the flamethrower in jest. Stick around a while... You'll learn.)

Actually, about that... subhumanoidal is quite accurate. Most of us here are pretty happy being single, or at least not wanting to find a date right now for one reason or another. Some have been burned in past relationships and don't want to be burned again; some don't even want to think about a relationship right now with all the other stuff going on in their lives; others (like me) are just apathetic about the whole romance thing.

That was less a bucket of cold water and more a reality check. If you re-read what he said you will get a pretty good overview of the general mindset here in Singles Forum. Of course most of us will phrase it more politely, and there are exceptions here and there, but for the most part we here don't really care about romantic relationships right now.

That, my friend, is an EXCELLENT question!!! In a general way, I've tussled with the whole area of sexuality for pretty much my whole life. I won't go into details - and there are plenty to be had, ha ha - but suffice it to say I've had to wrestle, often, persistently, with pretty much all the sexual temptations I've ever heard of. Nothing to be "proud" of, but it's by way of introduction and preface to my answer. That is to say "I've been there and done that, so I'm not talking through a hole in my hat".

First, let's get the obvious out of the way. The Lord created sex, sexual desire, and enjoyment thereof. I do not believe He created sex only for procreation - it's pretty obvious to me that He designed it to be very enjoyable. God it not a prude, as some may believe. When a Christian couple join together in marriage and save their first taste of sexual union for marriage, the Holy Spirit, Jesus and the Father celebrate. Why would they not? Since God is in all and is all, as it were, He is right there with us, as is the Holy Spirit, when we join. That's not creepy or weird, it's just plain fact, that many people overlook or are totally unaware of.

So, with that basic premise in place, and knowing we are the temple of the Holy Spirit 24/7, we do well to be mindful of the verses about such things, and others like "We were bought with a price". That's not to condemn us, but to shake us up a bit to realize being a Christian isn't like being part of Amway or Rotary or Scouts. It's a radical, total, spiritual makeover that is supposed to regenerate us from the ground up. Yes, it's a life-long process. But, we ought also to expect to do things differently than before our process of salvation started, and not to conform to worldly standards.

We had a great message preached at my church yesterday, talking about how one of Satan's strategies is to look for our weak spots. If he knows we are weak in the area of our sexuality, he'll go after us in that area. Why would he waste time and resources on a "full frontal assault" where we are weakest? That makes no sense. He has limited resources, he knows his time is short, so he needs to be effective. Sexual temptation is one of the big ones that can really defile us and break our connection / flow with the Lord, and compromise our witness. It can bring incredible shame, self-loathing, doubt and guilt. None of these things are what the Lord wants for us.

Although I'm in my 5th decade of life now, I still have a very healthy sex drive and am by no means immune from "noticing" the beauty of the female form. That is to say, I'm not some crusty old fart who's sex drive has vanished and who walks around with a paper bag over his head. I recall clearly what it was like to be bouncing off the walls with sexual desires in my teens and 20's - it still happens even now, as my fiancee lives in another country and it may be some time before we can see each other again and fulfill the marriage promise we made to each other. Is it easy dealing with those times when Satan has at me in an all-out assault in my own weak areas surrounding sex? Nope. It's really difficult. Super difficult, even. But I've also learned to listen to the Lord's voice, listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, and focus on HIM and the Lord, not the lustful temptations flooding into me from the demons whispering sweet-nothings.

So I guess where I'm going with this is a couple of things. First, as I've prayed often about this, including very recently, I've felt strongly the Holy Spirit encourage me to purity and really pushing into the Lord. Yes, temptation is strong. But either I'm a Christian who believes "Greater is He in me than he in the world", or I'm not. I've been blessed not to have to fight addictive temptations from substance abuse, alcohol or cigarettes, but even such cases, as with sexual addictions, the Lord is able - very able. It's just us - me - who lack genuine faith and belief in the Lord to empower us to get past temptation. Jesus never said we wouldn't be tempted, but He DID say a way would be made for our escape. This life, full of temptations, is not just here for our amusement and fun - it's to teach and grow us. Therefore, we, and I'm part of "we", need to "man up" and face our addictions and temptations, no matter what they are, squarely with the Lord's backing.

As to the other thing about people getting married just so they can have sex: I'm pretty sure that's not what Paul meant. And perhaps I'm over-simplifying your allusion to that verse. No relationship, or vanishingly few, can actually thrive and survive when it's based on "let's get married just so we can have sex and satisfy God's standard". That is just wrong on so many levels. What's REALLY interesting is that Paul says he wish we were ALL single and unmarried so we could just get on with God's work (I realize that's a huge discussion in itself, but I just mention that in passing to illustrate the seriousness with which Paul saw our primary focus on Earth, not to get into discussions about marriage vs celibacy etc). If that isn't a sobering thought, I don't know what is. Christians these days can be very quick to "forget" that our primary "mission" on this planet is to a) Love God b) Love others and c) Spread the gospel. That's it, in a nutshell. When we stand before the Lord, anything that hasn't aided those 3 things will, I believe, be "burned up" and we will "suffer loss". So, if we allow ourselves to become so fixated on something so temporal as sex, we reap the consequences thereof.

I could go on for a bit, as this is a fascinating and very important topic, especially for men in this massive over-sex-saturated year of 2020 where porn is so VERY easy to get at and sex is right up in our faces 24/7. But to conclude things, and because I need to get out to feed the animals and attend to my chores, I believe the "answer" to all this is "simply" that people have become accustomed to getting what they want, when they want it, and don't like being told they have to wait, or that they have to change. That is to say, I think a lot of people become Christians without really having a true, deep conversion experience. It was so for me - having started my Christian journey at age 7, I didn't actually "convert" until I was 27. How do I know? I just know. While burning with sexual desire is not easy to cope with, and it isn't, I know, it's also not the worst temptation we face. As much as I really enjoy sexual intimacy, and marriage, and relationships, in the scheme of things I now see how woefully "small" and unimportant it is. Satan makes it out to be crushingly important and really gets us worked up over it - and he's been very successful at that for millennia now - but the Lord would have us push past such temporal things and trust and rely on Him to help us. Unless a marriage is based primarily on a deep, abiding friendship and mutual trust, sex is just sex. Believe me - been there, done that twice. I know the difference between "making love" and "having sex" - they are worlds apart. There's no rush to get marriage and satisfy our "lust" for sex, but while we dither and worry over such things, people are perishing and going to a place of eternal nastiness. We do well to stop focusing on rearranging deckchairs as the Titanic sinks. And yes, I'm preaching to myself as much as those reading this.

Fair enough, Lynx. Yet, a quick perusal of the first page of topics shows there are plenty of people looking to not be single and who want advice about relationships. So, yes, clearly there are people like you on this thread who have no interest in being in a relationship, but from what I've seen, there are a number who very much want and need help. It's a foolish person who doesn't seek help. I've never been adverse to asking for help. I'm old enough to know good advice from bad. So I still think my offer of help fits the forum well, at least for those who want help. Those who don't want it are totally welcome to ignore my post and move on, rather than just dump all over it. I did re-read subhumanoidal's post, and I still think his main objective was just to poo-pooh what I had to say due to his own internal issues. Did he add anything useful or relevant to what I was trying to achieve? No. It was just "tall poppy" syndrome. You're right, I don't know you or the others here well, yet. The same holds for others on this forum relating to me. You'll find I don't suffer fools gladly, but I will be as gracious as possible when pushing back against bullies and those who lack good manners... I'm old enough now to have earned my stripes.

I'm part of an old married couple. Well, 3 marriages actually but I am definitely getting older.

Collaborate or commiserate? Yeah, that's definitely amusing.