Would You Rather Date A Single-Partnered Parent, or Someone Who Had Several Partners But No Children?

Hey Everyone,

This thread was inspired by a recent conversation with a friend who had asked male family members this question, so I thought it would be interesting to expand it into a thread to ask our fellow intrepid singles!

How would you answer this question?

Would you rather date:

1. A single parent with one child whose only previous sexual partner was the father or mother of their child;

OR

2. Someone who had several sexual partners in the past, but had no children?

I'm sure the next question is going to be, "How many partners did they have?" In order to answer this, I would have to ask the next question which I know everyone will be thinking, but because it's so personal, I certainly don't expect people to answer it publicly.

When people ask, "How many partners did they have in the past," my reply would have to be, "How many would you be willing to tolerate to still consider them?" The reason I say this is that, chances ar the longer the person has been single, the more partners they will have had (depending of course, on the person's Christian walk and what principles they have adhered to during that time.)

One of the reasons I'm asking is because all of the males in the original example who were asked said they'd rather date a woman who'd had several partners than a woman who'd had only one partner, but had a child.

I am wondering if the majority of CC singles feel the same way?

So in conclusion:

* Which scenario would you choose, and why?

* Would you just choose not to date either of them and wait for another opportunity?

* What if your your next chance to date someone wouldn't come along for another year?

(The point is, would you settle for a situation you might not feel comfortable in order to date someone right away, or would you still wait?)

I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

I've dated both. While there may be some things that would be too much for me to handle, generally speaking I'm less concerned with their past than I am with who they are now.
It's ironic how Christians focus so much on people's pasts to determine their worthiness in the present.

I honestly don't mean for this to sound the least bit offensive, but I'm noticing a disturbing pattern with a lot of questions that I'm reading here on this forum, which is this:

Absolutely no mention of praying to God for guidance for the fulfilling of his will, but rather just the wants or preferences of men or women.

I recently mentioned on another thread that I ended a 2 year and 2 month relationship with a younger woman in mid-December of last year. She was from another country which I won't mention, and she not only had a horrific childhood, but a horrific upbringing which lasted into her twenties. She was 1 out of 11 children, and there were 9 different "fathers" involved. I put the word "fathers" in quotes because her own "father" abandoned her as an infant, and she never saw him again for the rest of his life (he died a few years ago).

Her mother was no day at the beach either. Not only was my ex-girlfriend sexually molested by one of her mother's MANY boyfriends when she was only 4 years old, but she grew up in her early years in a household where she literally watched her own mother engaging in group sex with men repeatedly. Child services eventually stepped in, and my ex-girlfriend and her siblings were thrown into the foster care system. My ex-girlfriend's foster parent was worse than her actual parents. She not only beat my ex-girlfriend repeatedly, but she also gave her a new name, against my ex-girlfriend's will, and this literally caused an identity crisis in my ex-girlfriend.

When she eventually got out of this abusive situation, battered and broke, she entered into a life of prostitution to support herself for several years. I only asked her once how many different men she had sexual relations with, and her best guess was more than a thousand. When she told me this, the Lord immediately impressed the following upon me:

Luke chapter 7

[36] And one of the Pharisees desired him that he would eat with him. And he went into the Pharisee's house, and sat down to meat.
[37] And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster box of ointment,
[38] And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment.
[39] Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner.
[40] And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.
[41] There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.
[42] And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?
[43] Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.
[44] And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.
[45] Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet.
[46] My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.
[47] Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.
[48] And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven.
[49] And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also?
[50] And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace.

When I met my ex-girlfriend, she was a Christian who had genuinely repented of her many sins, and who had not only cried out for mercy and grace from God, but had also received it from him, so I mercifully and graciously dealt with her as well and never once brought up her past or even thought about it. At the same time, however, she brought up her past quite frequently because she had been so traumatized by it, and I always sought to counsel and comfort her accordingly from God's word.

Anyhow, I said all of that to say this:

If I told you how she and I first met, then you would hopefully recognize that it was GOD WHO BROUGHT US TOGETHER, and not we who brought ourselves together. In fact, she and I often said how we knew that GOD was the one who orchestrated for our paths to even cross each other.

In light of this, and in light of scripture itself, I would simply recommend that everyone ask God to guide their every step where relationships are concerned as opposed to merely following their own preferences.

I dunno... I'm 42 and never have slept with a woman. Not because "It's the good Christian thing to do," I just never have bothered with it. Too much drama.


* Which scenario would you choose, and why?
It depends on the woman in question, and in the second example it would depend on the kid in question.
- Do I and the kid get along? Not all kids are resentful when the parents start dating again. There are some fairly intelligent kids out there - you don't even need to be a Disneyland Date (always blowing money to do insanely fun things) to try to win kids over. Sometimes you just need to be you and children will love you. (PROTIP: Taking a child seriously is the most effective way to win the kid's trust. Nobody ever takes them seriously. Fun and games is great, but when a child asks a serious question it's important to the kid and it's time to reply seriously.)
- Why was the first woman with so many guys? Was she a slut or was she looking for something she couldn't find? The biblical woman at the well had been with six so far, but she was doing what society told her women were supposed to do and it kept failing... but she was still seeking something that would work in her life. That's why Jesus stopped to talk to her.
* Would you just choose not to date either of them and wait for another opportunity?
If I turn either down, it won't be only because of a child or many previous partners... but if I do turn either down, I've waited 42 years and I can wait a while longer.
* What if your your next chance to date someone wouldn't come along for another year?
What if it doesn't come along for another 42 years? There's a lot more to life than dating and I won't let the rest of it pass by in the meantime.
(The point is, would you settle for a situation you might not feel comfortable in order to date someone right away, or would you still wait?)
If I feel uncomfortable about a decision as important as who to date, I'm out if she's a virgin.

I want to thank everyone for the things they have been sharing here -- lots of information to take absorb and learn from, and I hope people will continue to share.

Live4Him,

I wanted to address your observation that praying to God for guidance was not mentioned.

The Singles Forum is often criticized for not including enough Scripture, not talking enough about God, and, overall, and not sounding "Godly enough" to count as being real Christians -- which is exactly part of the reason why I write many of my threads the way that I do. I feel that there is a certain "Christian mold" that people are expected others to fit into according to their own expectations, and often not actually that of God.

Now, what I'm saying here is only for myself and the threads I write -- I can't account for anything written by anyone else.

I myself grew up in the midst of church culture and have never known anything except the church. I had my times of being sometimes closer to God, and sometimes more distant from God in my life but I have always been steeped in the surroundings of a Christian community.

Subsequently, the majority of my own personal damage has also been within the church, and because of that, I have made it a point to somewhat distance myself from emulating or sounding like some of the people in my past churches who spoke the most piously, acted the most righteous, and at the same time, hurt many people without thinking twice about it because they were convinced they were of the Lord, and therefore, could not possibly be wrong.

For me personally -- and again, this is just me -- I've grown up in an atmosphere where it's a given that one is going to pray and seek God's guidance, and so it becomes a way of life. It's kind of like getting in a car and automatically putting on your seat belt before the prompt comes on and not really thinking about it -- the prompt can be helpful, but isn't always necessary, either.

This is not to say in any way that I am somehow a better Christian than anyone else -- as Paul said, "Chief of sinners, though I be."

However, some of the people whom I found to be the most toxic among Christian culture were many of the ones who were giving the most "reminders" -- and judging everyone else for not doing things as piously as they were.

Now I am NOT in any way trying to accuse you or anyone else of being like this -- I am only saying that for many of the things I write, I automatically assume people are going to bring their concerns before the Lord and ask Him for guidance, without being explicitly told every time to do so, which is why I don't mention it in every single thread.

If other people feel it's important to provide that prompt every time, they certainly have the liberty to do so. I most certainly agree that we are always to seek God's will above all else. For example, I am coming to terms in my life with the fact that maybe God just wants me to stay single indefinitely, even though I write many threads about relationship issues.

I also can see that for newer Christians or those who are considering adopting the Christian faith, being told to pray and seek God every time can be helpful and perhaps necessary. If you and others feel a need to give reminders, please, feel free to do so.

However, for myself, I neither feel comfortable doing so nor do I feel the need -- unless, of course, God leads me to do otherwise.

Thank you for bringing this up.

Hi, seoulsearch.

I deliberately began my response by saying "I honestly don't mean for this to sound the least bit offensive" because I honestly didn't and still don't. In other words, I wasn't seeking to judge you or anybody else then or now.

Also, "the disturbing pattern" of which I spoke extends way beyond the "Christian Singles Forum", so by no means was I seeking to single out this particular section of the forum or you or your posts. When I said "on this forum", I honestly wasn't referring to this particular section of the overall forum alone, but rather to the forum at large. Having now read your response, I can certainly understand how my comment could sound like it had been intended differently, but it truly wasn't, so I apologize for any confusion I might have unintentionally caused.

As far as your comment of how "the majority of my own personal damage has also been within the church" is concerned, I hear you.

Been there.

Done that.

Have many knife wounds in my own back (figuratively speaking).

I've only been here a few weeks, but I'm pretty sure that I mentioned somewhere that, when I first became a Christian, I let my guard down in so-called "Christian circles" (churches, Bible schools, "Christian" forums, conferences, etc., etc.). Nowadays, if I enter the same at all, then I enter with almost an expectation that they're the most dangerous places on the face of the earth to enter for the very reasons that you laid out here yourself.

Anyhow, thanks for your reply.

It certainly helps me to better understand where you're coming from.

I really appreciate your post and that you not only took the time to explain your own stance, but were willing to hear me out as well.

I sincerely thank you for that.

As for damage done within the church, I personally feel that's a big part of my own calling. My friends and family are much better at evangelizing than I am.

Rather, I feel like my job is to help equip Christians and new believers to ward off the pain caused BY church culture, because so many are suffering because of it.

I have found your posts to be very informative and helpful -- looking forward to hearing you share more in the future. 🙂

Seems like there are always exceptions but honestly I would rather just start with someone who had no children despite their past activities.

I just don't want to jump right into being a provider for an entire family. The pressure would be high to singularly be a provider, but all I want to do is to be a good lover at first and then when we are ready have children of our own.

I wouldn't even ask how many partners they've had because I don't think that information is important. Actually, people with more partners may be more experienced and can bring valuable lessons and wisdom to a relationship.

There might be a rare opportunity where I would see about getting involved with someone who is single with children, but that's actually where I would have a laundry list of interrogatory questions:

Why are you single?
What happened?
Who's choice was it to separate?
How long did you try to work it out?
Are you just looking for true love?
Does it matter what my income is?
Would you leave me for someone who makes more money?
Why do you have the kids?
Is there joint custody?
May I speak with him, too, to ask what happened?

Same here.

I'm always willing to hear others out because, in all honesty and sincerity, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to judge anybody. Instead, I believe that we're all basically a composite of our own lives' experiences, so I'm always interested in hearing about other peoples' journeys and how they've brought them to the place that they're currently at.

I probably shouldn't say this because I'll more than likely be wrongfully judged by some in doing so (not that I really care), but I stopped "attending church" about 20 years ago myself. Oh, I've periodically stepped foot within some, and the horrible end result is always the same. That said, I consistently stay in God's word and prayer, and I'm always seeking fellowship with Christians who genuinely seem interested in the word and will of God.

Regarding evangelizing, although I regularly seek to do the same on a one-to-one basis, I used to be a street preacher. Ironically, what primarily pushed me to the streets was the fact that I couldn't find a church anywhere that preached the truth, so, after much prayer, I took the truth to the streets myself. When people who favorably responded to the gospel message asked me to recommend a good church to them, I honestly couldn't, so I started picking people up every weekend and having group Bible studies with them myself.

Anyhow, I'm NOT saying any of this to make myself sound like anything special, but rather to inform you that our "church" experiences are probably quite similar.

1 -- Likely to be more stable and trustworthy in her character.

A better question to ask is, "If God told you to marry someone with a sexually immoral past, would you obey Him?"

This is one way to get more Scripture on the Singles forum. Read about Hosea and what God commanded him to do.

Here's an article to get you started, Why Did God Command Hosea to Marry a Prostitute?

I definitely understand what you are saying here, but it's not the particular question I'm asking in this thread.

For instance, in the case of someone with one past sexual partner, specifics were purposely not given.

The one partner they had could be a spouse who passed away or divorced them for someone else.

In this case, the person has done nothing sexually immoral, and it's disheartening that this would be automatically assumed.

Your suggestion is certainly worthy of an interesting discussion.

Would you be willing to start a separate thread about this? I'd certainly be interested in people's answers.

I have been in both situations.

Exactly. I believe that most members here pray and seek God's guidance, especially when contemplating a relationship that may lead to marriage.

I wrote the first example given in this thread as, "A single parent with one child whose only previous sexual partner was the mother or father of their child" specifically because I was hoping it would lead to some people asking what situations had resulted in the person being a single parent.

"Single parent" does not mean that the person had the child out of wedlock: as said above, it could be someone whose spouse passed away, or their spouse left them, and in this case, they did not commit a sexual sin.

I was curious as to whether or not this would make a difference to someone in their choice of whether or not to date that person vs. someone who had clearly committed sexual immorality by taking on several partners.

This might also be just my own experience, but I personally have never had an instance where I specifically felt that God was leading me to date someone, even though I prayed steadily about it. I'm sure in some instances, I ignored what He was trying to tell me, but in others, it seems that God might not give us a strict "yes" or "no" and we have to make a decision and ask for His intervention if we're going the wrong way.

I know some might say, "Well if you didn't get a clear direction from God, you should have never dated at all," but this is one of the fundamental questions we wrestle with over and over in the Singles Forum. How much of our search for a spouse should include waiting until we are absolutely sure God "gives" us a certain person and tells us without doubt that we are to date/marry them, and how much of it is going out and prayerfully making decisions on our own?

As you pointed out that this could be a way of "bringing more Scripture into the Singles Forum," this is actually my own way of doing so without explicitly stating it.

Part of the purpose of this thread was to see how the two people given in the original example would be judged, and against what measures, but I didn't list any passages about judgment because I wanted to see what conclusions people came to on their own, without the use of any cues.

I really don't believe that God would tell anyone to marry someone with a sexually immoral past but He certainly may give a green light to do so depending on the circumstances. Yes, your reference to Hosea was on target but that was necessary to fulfil certain prophesies.

I dont know which one of them i would rather. But what i do know is, i dont think i would be interested in anyone who is recently coming out of a relationship. He must have been single for at least 6 months. The longer the better.

So i would be open minded to either of them, just as long as they have been single for at least 6 months.

A person who is recently out of a relationship has bagage that they need to sort out. The woman may still be trying to get back with him or maybe he is still inlove. So i wouldnt want to be apart of that drama. And i just would find it hard to trust someone who is in and out of relationships so quickly. Did he love the woman before me? Does he love me? How long before my time expires?

But if he was waiting awhile before i came along, then i can at least assume, that he is very much single, and whatever has happened is really in the past.

For me I think it depends on the child and the age of the child in question, but a relationship would be a big enough adjustment adding in children makes it more complicated (also depends on the attitude of the parent towards how a future spouse will interact with their child). But once a person starts racking up the partners; I'd find that hard to deal with too. Because with many partners you either have a serial monogamist who is used to bailing when the relationship gets difficult or else someone who takes sex pretty lightly and probably hasn't internalized the value of sexual fidelity and monogamy.

So a child isn't necessarily a deal breaker but will complicate things, previous partners aren't a deal breaker, but enough previous partners that you've been having multiple partners a year for much of your adult life .... yeah I could have a place for you in my friendzone if I liked you enough to think about dating you, but we're not going beyond friendship.

It's not the better question. It's a different question. And one that should probably have a separate thread rather than attempting to hijack someone else's because you find their question inferior.

The number of past sexual partners would not bother me too much unless it is too many (I haven't decided on an exact number), and I would need to make sure he was in relationships with those women rather than someone who engaged in one-night stands, etc. I would need to know about his sexual history. I would prefer #2 I believe, as it is less complicated. Marriage is already complicated enough. I would be okay with #1 if the child and I bonded well/accepted eachother. However, sometimes the child rejects the new step-parent, so I would not pursue this relationship. If I married someone with adult children, it would be less important on how I bond with the children (I think).