PTSD Episode in Church Today

Church was extremely triggering for me today, and I’ve needed to have a good cry the whole day (but had six other people, besides my kids, at my house all day). The pastor was preaching that only death can end a marriage, and that divorce for any reason was sin (he doesn’t believe adultery is a reason either). He was talking about renewing the relationship with an estranged spouse. I don’t know why I still act so strongly when triggered (I have been away from the abuse and him for eight years!) but first I started getting angry, then numb, and now I’m extremely depressed and feel that I’m looked down upon because I divorced first a cheater and then and abuser. I feel that because of their choices, I am not allowed to remarry (if I ever actually wanted to). I started having a panic attack remembering how many times I tried to fix our marriage and how the abuse just kept getting worse. I wish I could get an answer directly from Jesus, because the “covenant marriage” movement is very judgmental towards abused women who choose to divorce, and the bible is grey on the topic. I am frustrated that my body still triggers from the abuse, and even thinking about it, eight years later! 😢 And I am very confused about why churches preach that people who divorce because of abuse do evil while mentioning nothing about men who abuse their wives.

Some pastors are just full of themselves and are insensitive to those that are hurt.

You are in the wrong place. Anyone who says that divorced people cannot remarry is preaching false doctrine. When someone has a go at me about it (it's happened), I remind them of David and Bathsheba. David was an adulterous murderer. Yet God did not demand his life. The Law said that David should be stoned to death on two counts. Ask your pastor if he would rather you killed your ex..... or maybe not.

The other aspect is that God does not make people suffer for the sins of others. So your "pastor" (really?) is wrong on both counts. Divorce is not the unpardonable sin!

Now you also have a problem to deal with. if you are still affected by the past, you are being bound by unforgiveness. You have to let it go because it is eating you up. I had the opposite problem. I had people I called friends turn on me and refuse to help when I was at my lowest. I had the elders of a church give me the third degree and tell me that I had no hope of ministry in their church. What got to me was that I had no intention of seeking a role of any kind. I was still too messed up from the breakup. All I wanted was a little fellowship and comfort. Thank God for real friends who stood with me. One friend wrote the following article after his marriage failed. It is the most helpful I've ever come across and was a life saver for me:

https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart

It's quite long but well worth the effort. As an aside, I've not remarried. I have no objection, no reason not to, but neither have I been enthusiastic about the idea either. I'm 70 now, and I'm content as I am.

no.

please find a new church. the Bible is not grey on divorce and not grey on men (or women) who cheat and or abuse. you are not responsible for the choices your ex made. that is his sin ... not yours and you will not be punished for it.

you are free to remarry should you so choose, in the future and your husband is the one who broke his vows and committed adultery.

you know, it sounds to me like you were reacting to what you were hearing...it's like abuse all over again. I know I would get angry too if someone told me that I had to go back to an abusive spouse who also cheated. leave that where it belongs...in the past and move forward

you do have an answer directly from Jesus. He forgave the woman who was actually caught in adultery and did tell her to go and sin no more. so, why would Jesus condemn you in any way if you are not the guilty party in the marriage?

9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Matthew 19:9 so if your husband did not stop his sin, you are free to remarry

Well there is something good that has come out of this.

You know your Pastor's opinion. You can either leave the Church because it is a part of a pattern or fortify yourself for when he says something like this again.

An important factor is the spirit in which he said it. If he has concluded this is scriptural and delivers what he thinks is a hard truth in a loving way, well, I wouldn't fault him and chalk this up to being an honest disagreement.


"And I am very confused about why churches preach that people who divorce because of abuse do evil while mentioning nothing about men who abuse their wives."

I wouldn't know. I guess I go to the wrong kind of Church. Maybe it's time to review the other things your denomination supports and think hard about your next step.

You have the right to be upset. I am sorry for you.

As other posters have noted, your pastor is ignorant of the Bible. Staying under his teaching will not turn out well for you.

Paul provides the basis for marriage in 1 Cor 7-
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

Now, Paul is acknowledging the pattern given by Jesus:
Lark 10-
2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied.
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.
6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’
7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

So, the basic principle is that God designed marriage to be permanent.

However, Jesus also said this, in Matt 5:31,32
31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

So, here, Jesus clarifies that sexual immorality is a valid reason to divorce. Even though Jesus referred to a man divorcing his wife, the principle is the same for a woman.

So, you mentioned that your ex was a "cheater". This is what effectively ends a marriage, and why Jesus noted that divorce was legitimate in this case.

You asked: " I wish I could get an answer directly from Jesus."

Well, I think you have your answer. He cheated. So divorce was legit. Please stop beating yourself up. If the congregation agrees with that pastor, you really need to leave it quick.

I hope you find a pastor who actually understands the Bible, unlike your pastor.

I am praying that the Lord will lead you to a source of truth in which you will "grow in grace and in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ" (2 Peter 3:18).

I don't know, I kind of like this idea. Write an anonymous letter to the pastor and say something along the lines of .... "so based on your sermon last Sunday I understand that since nothing I could do could make the situation tolerable and salvage the relationship, I should have killed my cheating and abusive exes rather than divorcing them and if I want to marry again I need to hunt them down and kill them first. Please clarify if I'm misunderstanding and also clarify what the Lord would have someone do when their marriage is a threat to their life and health and despite all their attempts to fix things their partner has no desire in behaving in a way that is appropriate for a spouse." Hopefully that will wake the pastor up to the fact that it's not just people who are bored and tired of their marriage who are divorcing and that sometimes, while we'd wish that all marriages were happy, godly marriages; divorce is the least bad option out of a lot of bad options.

Well, it seems like you're not going to be marrying any one from this church anyway, considering how the leadership feels. If the leadership is teaching things about divorce that are simply wrong... that's not where you want to stay, either.

But if you're feeling this way, it might be conviction about your last divorce. I think if you're divorcing for a reason other than adultery, then you really need to understand what the scriptures say about reconciliation, and ask yourself and ask the Lord if you really gave due diligence and consideration.
I totally sympathize with people that have been abused, whether it is violence, or narcisisstic manipulations, but at the same time, divorce isn't something that anyone can take lightly. If you're going to marry again, I'd be careful about what kind of man you join yourself to.

My neighbor's donkey was braying yesterday too!

OR, you could simply stay with someone until it broke you completely, then be hospitalized for yonks, then accept the blame for it all, live as a pariah, and after years finally realize that you did your best and it was not your fault.

Have you thought about another church? Where you will be supported & prayed for rather than critcized?

Yeah, I'm gonna go for just divorce the person and get out of the impossible, intolerable situation. And then take some time so you can realize how you got in that situation and avoid it in the future.

You can remarry if it is adultery and you can separate if it is abuse but you cannot remarry for only adultery and death are the reasons you can remarry.

And a man and a woman are equal in the Lord so there should be none of that favoring men stuff.

I personally would find a new pastor, but I am a bit jaded there.

Have you ever taken the time and effort to get some counseling over your ordeal?

If you are still triggering to where you have to "hold it together" when some stuffed shirt acts like a jerk so you can cry later...you aren't exactly OK.

Of course you know that what he said was wrong...

But the problem is that it affected you so strongly. Of course you are going to react emotionally to what he said... anyone in your shoes would.

But to break down that way later? It means that your emotions are leaking out around the edges of a false front you have built and others are of course getting behavior incongruent out of you but just don't understand the how and why or even know to attribute it to the pastor.

And then that speaks to the question of why you were attending a church with a pastor like that to begin with...

All pointing to the question Jesus asked in John 5...."Do you want to be well?".

Time to grow some more and heal... even if the cure feels like the disease would be better...

Meaning that you need some more appropriate boundaries and better judgement on several fronts.

It's not "jaded" to seek a pastor who actually knows and believes the Word of God and preaches accurately.

Amen FreeGrace.

The donkey in the book of Numbers talks. Quite the conversationalist actually.

Ummmmmm? I didn't say I had to "hold it together" or that anything affected me strongly, nor did I break down.....I think you have me confused with the OP Peace!!