Controlling Spouse?

I need some help, advice, input, prayer, - anything would be great.

My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years, together for 1 year before that. Up until about 1 1/2 years ago, our marriage was a real nightmere for me. At that time I had had a bad emotional breakdown, I had been in a terrible place mentally, physically and emotionally, but this breakdown took the cake, it really shook me up and I knew I needed to change something, for me, for my kids. This was not a healthy or Godly place to be living in. So in the days and weeks following, I really began to pick apart what was going on with me, with my marriage, with the way I was reacting to things and how it was affecting me. I began to dig into myself, as well as the worldwide web, info, resources etc. It was then that I came to the conclusion that my husband is controling. This was a major breakthrough, light bulb on, 'AHHA!' moment for me. But it was also like something I knew all along, but I never realized how much it affects things, everything. And mostly, that this was not normal. So from there, I tried to relearn what a healthy & Godly lifestyle looks like. I started pushing back against my husband, instead of bending over backward to try to please him. It was a stressful time at best but I can honestly say it was a turning point where things began to get better. But now here I am 1 1/2 years later and I feel stuck. I've made good progress, but I still can't always get a grip on how to handle things when he just gets mean. I also question myself a lot as to how much to push back, when does it start being selfish? I feel like this is far as I can go by myself, I need someone to help me be accountable in how much I push back, and to know when things are bad. I've desperatly been looking for marraige counseling, but we don't currently have a church home, and I can't afford anything. My husband also refuses to go to counseling, so thats no hlep. I'm debating on looping my family in . . . I'm blessed with large loving family(siblings & parents) that are all strong in their faith. On the one hand I think they could be a great support and help, but I'm also worried that they will start to treat my husband differently once they know things, and that could also backfire on me. Secondly, in dealing with issues where things are a little sticky, its always been my experance its better to get an outside option rather than from thoes closet to us - as they can be biased without knowing it. So I'm just kinda stuck right now and not sure what to do next . . .

God said you are to obey your husband.

Oh I am sorry that you are hurting, so pleased to know you keep trying, though. Hugs ❤!!! I will lift you in prayer. I believe He is stll able to reveal His Glory in your marriage. I will pray that you both keep loving and serving one another, best you can, even when the other isn't. You keep reaching out if it helps, as we are not islands unto ourselves. However, seek God first and after you have sought wisdom or a place to vent, making sure what you have received matches His word.

Anyway, remember sometimes we humans can be rash and throw things at you that hurt. Not all read your hurt and make assumptions, so guard your softened Heart He has given you. He, our Lord, is always the answer.

I will also pray you both find a church family.

I'm terribly sorry you are going through this.

These situations are always tough to give advice on because without knowing particulars, the term "controlling" is incredibly vague.

We also don't have your husband's side of the story. He may just believe he is doing what the Lord wants, and what you call controlling, he may believe is protecting.

Maybe not. He may in fact just be a control freak.

But whether he goes or not, Church is NOT optional. You need to get connected with other believers in person.


I pray the Lord opens your heart to His Will in this matter. Be Blessed.

The internet told you your husband was controlling? Without meaning to be insensitive toward your situation... that's kind of hilarious. Did you actually pray about this at all? I don't mean that in a condescending way or anything- but did you pray?
Ahhh. I have been in the same situation with a different kind of authority figure. When you "push back" you absolutely must not be doing it for selfish reasons. It seems like you realize that. That's good.
You're a smart lady.
Yeah... an experienced pastor would probably be able to guide you, but at the same time, I wouldn't say just go anywhere...

Do you and your husband talk about God? Like, have you told him "I want to live a holy lifestyle"? Does he believe in Jesus?

Hi MP2, and welcome to CC...

If you haven't read Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, I strongly recommend doing so. From what you have shared, it sounds like the only thing that will reach your husband (aside from God Himself), is restriction. Until he can't control you, he will continue to do so. I would suggest therefore that you physically separate, with the clear, stated intention to reunite when he has dealt with his bad behaviour. Separation is not divorce, not does it need to lead to divorce. Rather, it is a tool that someone in your position can use to bring about change in the other person. You don't need to tolerate the abuse, or "bend over backward". You just remove yourself from him until he gets himself sorted.

It’s a shame you can’t convince your husband that it would be in his best interest, as well as yours, that you find a good marriage counsellor (ideally a husband and wife team), to help guide you both towards a fulfilling marriage. Bringing family into the know could be helpful for advice and support in the absence of dedicated counsellors.

Have you or your husband converted to Christianity before getting married, or did that occur after you married?

It was somewhat intended to be hilarious. Reading through other (christian) women's descriptions on what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like and what one with a controlling spouse looks like was what really did it for me. In some places it doesn't fit completely, but there were so many things I was like 'light bulb' he totally does that, moments. I was finally able to put into words what was going on.

Oh how I have prayed. The days and nights and weeks and months and years. I could not have survived this long without it. And still. I don't dare make a move without some serious prayer first. Sure, I act out of myself when I get wrapped up in it and always regret it, retreat, and pray some more.

We used to talk about God when we were first married. But, it became a painful touchy subject, so now we don't share much of our faith with each other anymore. We talk sometimes, we pray together sometimes, but nothing too deep or too often. He does believe in Jesus, and I do see it in sometimes. Occasionally when he's in a good place and I can carefully pinpoint something that he is doing to me that is hurtful or wrong, he will actually admit it and stop doing it. It's these moments that give me great hope. When I ask for counseling he says he won't go because all we need is God and thats enough to fix it. While I agree totally that God alone can fix it, I don't believe that that means that we're just supposed to let it go and wait for a miracle to happen or fix itself, or that its wrong to seek Godly counsel. I do think God puts people in our lives that he uses to help us along and likewise, us to help them.

YES - Im trying sooo hard for him to understand this . . . I thought maybe if I found counseling for myself it would be at least a step closer. We were both raised in Christian families, I accepted Christ at 14, and he at 17. But he's had a hard life and we are from different cultures which adds to things.

From your descriptions of your husband your use of the term controlling appears at first glance to be less connected with direct control in the sense of telling you forcefully to take a particular view or act in a particular way - else I would assume that you would have been able to say so. That of course assumes that you yourself are being open to the extent that you would be able to say what your own attitudes or behaviours were that could reasonably explain his forceful behaviour - even though force or control is not a healthy way to live.

The reason I put things in that way, sister, is because you explained that you had to try and find why your marriage was so difficult. And then you explained that you came to the conclusion that your husband was controlling. You also explained that this realisation (the light bulb moment) came from recognising behaviours or attitudes of your husband that others had given in their online help.

My point is that it is possible to be in a very controlling place with a husband and yet to not realise that his controlling behaviour and demands exist in a distortion of physical realities that stem from the biblical precept of the women being taken from the man and not the man from the woman. Paul utilised this precept to explain that the woman was not created first - but the man. That account of course is found in Genesis and is explained clearly. No one can misunderstand that claim in Genesis. And then Paul also explained that the women was the first to transgress - not the man. Both of these precepts are not intended in Christ or in the grace of God to form a basis for the man to control the woman. The interpretation that leads to a husband controlling his wife negatively is often predicated on the wife being obedient to her husband. And a Christian wife can easily fall into being controlled and not realise that she is in truth being emotionally and psychologically harmed.

There is a proper way to set that into its health framework, both rationally, biblically and spiritually. In a sense it seems to me that this is what you have asked for. All I have done here is to set the asking into a particular framework so that you can begin to ask God in a more direct way. I can also share a few things that may help as well. As can others as the Lord leads.

It sounds like there are two young children involved here too?

Is your husband inclined towards violent acts of any kind?

church fellowship is important
you might want to post in ladies forum about any particular mean incident as other married ladies might be able to give you some wise counsel having gone through it with their own husbands or prayer on how to deal or just lend an listening sympathetic ear.

when someone is being mean, it doesnt have to be a spouse, that is their trigger issue and they arent always able to learn NOT to be mean if they have learned to be that way all their life and dont understand generosity.

not sure if you by being mean you mean hes stingy. Being frugal can be a good thing in hard circumstances but it might not serve the purposes of the family and there are times when your cup will overflow and its appropriate to celebrate abundance

i was thinking how some kids dont even have birthdays because their parents are so hard up that its just another day for them or dont even remember. but does that mean the next generation is going to suffer the same thing

just as an example.

1Pe 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
1Pe 3:2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1Pe 3:3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
1Pe 3:4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
1Pe 3:5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
1Pe 3:6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

I'd loop my family in. You're alone in this situation when you're taking this all on yourself. You need familial support and loving support and from what you've shared you're not getting that from your husband.

There is this bit of sage advice that might help you as relates to being in a healthy relationship and your mindset. Need someone because you love them. Don't love them because you need them.
Because after awhile needy becomes a burden for both parties concerned.

Is your husband violent with you? If he is, get out! Controlling violent spouses aplenty are in prison because they killed their wives. The ultimate act of control. If I can't have you.....

You are afraid your family will look at your husband differently if they knew certain things. Maybe factor in that what your family thinks of your husband now isn't due to their genuinely knowing who he truly is the way you do. You've nothing to lose in that regard. Because what your family see's in him now isn't who he fully is. So they only know half the story while you live the full on real deal. And your children do too.

There's an old saying. The daughter will seek the life they witnessed their daddy give his wife. Same goes for son's of course.
You're a role model for your babies.
Sometimes the greatest act of love is loving ourselves enough to say, ENOUGH!
People will treat you how you let yourself be treated. Especially bad people.

May God keep and protect you. Amen.
Tell your family! It isn't just you that you have to think about. You have children. They can only live in an environment you provide them. They deserve a healthy happy one. As do you. HUGS

What you have indicated is that you are trying to resolve this problem by yourself. However you really need to have a mature Christian (or Christians) outside your marriage to help you understand yourself and your husband. Marital problems are never one-sided, and frequently people need an objective assessment of the reality of what is going on.

Didn't marital problems start after Adam and Eve chose the forbidden knowledge of good and evil violating God's command in Genesis 2:17? So shouldn't we repent of committing the same sin in order for marital problems to be solved?

I am sorry you are suffering so much. Thank you for reaching out on the chat here for help, the people of God are always a good pace to start, though scripture and prayer is always before that of course.

It is such a hard thing to offer counsel or advice about though, as others have mentioned, as we are only pricey to your side and it is such limited information (naturally as you can only say so much on a public messaging platform like this.)

The Western understanding of what it means to be a submissive wife is likely very different to any other around the world. There is so much abuse of that term sadly and women (often even prepubescent young girls) have been bought and sold like cattle with the mentality they are possessions and should be treated as such. Jesus had a very different view of women however. He treated them as individuals, as humans, as worthy of his time and compassion. God used Paul to COMMAND men to LOVE their wives, to lay down thier lives for them, to love them even as they love and care for their own bodies... and it is written that the husbands body BELONGS - PROPERTY OF - the wife... not just the other way around. This should clear up some bias and misconceptions surely????
Sadly not. Most of the time the over the top antics and demands of those extremists calling themselves feminists have really not helped the cause of the biblical idea of equality at all.

Who knows what your husband is doing, and WHY though? Is he behaving unbiblically? Is he in need of church correction? I think that you need solid christians, older preferably, who know you both and who can step in here and really examine your situation in the light of scripture. All of us need correction at some time or another, your husband (and you and I) are no different.

You need support, but I think your family may not be neutral enough to help you reach your husband, so perhaps local church elders?

praying for wisdom for you to get the help you need.
keep us posted... (and call in over on the ladies only if you need to open up about more than you want to share on this public board) x

Well i was in a similar marriage for 15 years. Then he still tried to control me for 5 years after that. I never realised it was control when i was in there either. As you become accustomed to what your living in and sadly it becomes normal. But i was definitely living under emotional and mental abuse. Took me a long time to get mentally stronger and not get back into same relationships. I’m just that personality that everybody seems to think needs controlling. I’m now free from any and still my siblings won’t allow me to care for my mum without running all financial expenses thru them. So in a sense I’m back under control again and I’m really battling as it triggers so much stress in my body. I’m trying to align myself with Christ every day and keep loving and forgive as Christ wants me to but it’s sad that there are many controlling people around. Message me if you want. ☺️🙁

This is a tough row to hoe. Every marriage is different. Generally, it is good if the husband is in charge, has an agenda, etc. Wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. A lot of women respect a man who has direction.

A problem arises if a man is oppressive, unreasonable, says mean things, etc. A man shouldn't be harsh toward his wife, or children for that matter, for normal human error.

I remember once my mom wasn't in a good mood and I poured a drink and wasn't paying enough attention and then overflowed the cup. My mom snapped at me. (Sweet lady. This was a rare occasion.) Then she poured herself a glass of tea and did the exact same thing and apologized for snapping at me. I think she thought it might have been 'discipline' or a reminder not to be too harsh. There are a lot of little mistakes that we can make in life that are like that-- like accidentally knocking the glass over on the table when we are kids. It could be in how we relate, finances, etc. We don't mean to do it, it wasn't intentional, and you shouldn't really blame the person for some moral issue for their mistake.

When a spouse is critical about these kinds of things, it can take a toll on the other spouse emotionally.

But the thing is, since he is your husband, you have to be careful about the kind of 'push back' you give.

Here are some things the Bible teaches wives to do in relation to husbands:

Ephesians 5
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. (NKJV)

33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (NKJV)

The word 'respect' is also translated 'reverence' or 'fear' in other translations or locations in scripture.

There are a lot more instructions to men in that passage. Colossians 3:19 might be a good one for your husband.

I Peter 3:1
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. 3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— (NKJV)

If you are married to an unbeliever, someone not obedient to the word, then you may need to be quiet and be such a good wife, submitting to him out of reverence for the Lord to win him. But if he is a fellow believer, we are 'able also to admonish one another.'

In a gentle and respectful way, you could tell your husband how you feel when he lays into you, is critical, controlling, etc., and appeal to his love for you and desire to be a good husband, especially if he is a believer.

If I were in that situation, I'd be concerned the emotions might build up like steam and explode, and I might sin with my lips. So I'd try to handle it while it's still kind of small and I'm still in control, addressing the situation when it arises.

If my wife says things that seems disrespectful toward me, I try to let her know about it and point it out to her. Typically, she didn't mean any disrespect, but it helps if you discuss things like this early.

Also, working on the relationship as a whole might help. When a couple first get married, they might be in love, talk gently and kindly to each other, complement and flirt all the time. My wife said there was a preacher who said when the couple first met, the husband said, "Darling watch out not to step in that hole." But after they'd been married a while he said, "Don't you have eyes in your head. Didn't you see that hole." If you point out to your husband that he speaks harshly, is controlling, or whatever it is, in a gentle way and start working on whatever you can in the marriage, that might help. If there is some need he has in the way you relate to him, something to improve the marriage, you could ask about that and try to do your best. If a wife is really kind to a man, it's harder for him to treat her harshly.

Here is an example of two men, not a husband and wife, but the one is in a submissive relationship to the other, because the other man is his father, and he is also the ruler of the people.

I Samuel 19:4
Thus Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father, and said to him, “Let not the king sin against his servant, against David, because he has not sinned against you, and because his works have been very good toward you. (NKJV)

Jonathan said what he needed to say, but he spoke up for what was right, and was respectful at the same time.

Oh wow!!! So she has to listen to a controlling husband? You are a bot.Therefore your comment has no leg to stand on.It goes both ways but from what I can see if he needs a attitude adjustment and who knows he could be a narc.