The Banned Game
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In honor of National Donut Day the unwashed masses of Shittimistan , Hairy, Hairy's A team, and Amish Navy propose a moratorium on hostilities no matter how warm, fuzzy and colorful they may be and have a donut.
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So much has happened today whilst I have been away.
Now the story as I recall was as follows:
James Band went to a function and drank too much wine. As he was making his way back from the wine table he stumbled and fell. His spectacles came flying off and he was virtually blind. He managed to fumble his way back to his table, or at least he thought it was his table and sat down next to the old hag thinking it was his dream girl with the red ruby lipstick. He proposed and she accepted. He was the happiest man alive until he found his glasses and discovered he had become engaged to the old hag.
Meanwhile Jennymaesia and Rubyland have successfully invaded Mosestaria where the wicked King once ruled. He has fled his country and my spies have informed me he is hiding in Hairy's bunker. I wonder if Shittimistan know they have this wicked King on their grounds. If I were Shittimistan and Lanolinland (who share borders) I would be very concerned.
Empress Ruby (thats me) came up with a brilliant idea and has organised to skype with Empress Jennymae. The idea consists of melting the excessive amounts of tyres into a black liquid and converting it to mascara. A brilliant idea if I say so myself to get rid of the tyres plus produce the mascara cheaply. We will add a conditioner to the liquid so it softens the eyelashes as it coats them.
Sculptomania seems to be a new country. I think it broke off from Japovia when they had that very large earthquake. The bottom part split and drifted. It sits somewhere connected to Lanolinland. I have not met the ruler there though I think it is ruled by Chief Sculpt.
Now the story as I recall was as follows:
James Band went to a function and drank too much wine. As he was making his way back from the wine table he stumbled and fell. His spectacles came flying off and he was virtually blind. He managed to fumble his way back to his table, or at least he thought it was his table and sat down next to the old hag thinking it was his dream girl with the red ruby lipstick. He proposed and she accepted. He was the happiest man alive until he found his glasses and discovered he had become engaged to the old hag.
Meanwhile Jennymaesia and Rubyland have successfully invaded Mosestaria where the wicked King once ruled. He has fled his country and my spies have informed me he is hiding in Hairy's bunker. I wonder if Shittimistan know they have this wicked King on their grounds. If I were Shittimistan and Lanolinland (who share borders) I would be very concerned.
Empress Ruby (thats me) came up with a brilliant idea and has organised to skype with Empress Jennymae. The idea consists of melting the excessive amounts of tyres into a black liquid and converting it to mascara. A brilliant idea if I say so myself to get rid of the tyres plus produce the mascara cheaply. We will add a conditioner to the liquid so it softens the eyelashes as it coats them.
Sculptomania seems to be a new country. I think it broke off from Japovia when they had that very large earthquake. The bottom part split and drifted. It sits somewhere connected to Lanolinland. I have not met the ruler there though I think it is ruled by Chief Sculpt.
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Deep inside a bunker, underneath a basement, in the heartland of the great Chiefdom once known as Mosestaria, the great ex-ruler, Moses the Young (est), discusses strategy with the 70 wisest wise men in all of Mosestaria.
"What news back from our agent in Rubyland, Mordecai?" asked the Chieftain.
"Oh, may your iron fist never rust and the velvet glove that softens its firm strike never chafe", replied the wise man with the longest beard.
"00007.1 has seduced the wicked witch of Jennymaesia, and a celebrity wedding is upcoming. The crone (and not to mention the majority in Jennymaesia) are quite taken with the man. Some reports have his popularity already rivaling that of the Empress herself. Famous producers are already requesting him sign contracts for them to develop films about his life's adventures. The Empress, clearly jealous of his burgeoning popularity, has already demanded of him a token of his loyalty, for which he gifted her a used tyre..."
"A tyre?" exclaimed the Chieftain surprisedly. "And a used one at that?"
"Yes..." answered Mordecai.
"Will that be sufficient to pacify the Empress? I would be insulted by such a gift," continued the Chieftain.
"Well, the Empress of Jennymaesia - may her lipstick be banana-flavoured and an ugly, recalcitrant verruca named Ursula form atop her stubborn nose - is not the wise, beloved Chieftain of Mosestaria - may his lips be moist and furtive, and his beak-shaped nose ever pointier."
"The used tyre..." continued the wise man "will serve to pacify the Empress of Jennymaesia long enough for her army to be crippled..."
The Chieftain nodded. "What usury are we extracting?"
"15% per day," answered Mordecai. "The joint occupying armies of Jennymaesia, Rubyland and Shittimistan (if Shittimistan even counts as a country) are costing a king's ransom to sponsor. Little did they know, when they borrowed from our innocuous-sounding financial institutions to fund their war, they set up their own countries as surety. Within a matter of days, if not a week, we will be able to purchase outright the Empire of Jennymaesia, with the badlands known as Rubyland an added bonus, like the attached snout-ring one receives when one purchases a hog."
"And Shittimistan?" enquired one of the other, not-so-wise wise men.
"Pah! Hardly worth mentioning," responded Mordecai disparagingly. "Shittimistan is like the curly tail that travels with the hog. Something one may even pay to be rid of."
Mordercai continued "With all enemy coffers diverted to funding the invasion of Mosestaria, there has been little spare to fund the enemy's propaganda efforts. Jennymaesia is running a story that the recent Mosestarian election was tainted by mosquito votes, whilst Rubyland is attempting to distract it's citizens by announcing a method of converting Mosestarian car-tyres into mascara."
The Chieftain laughed aloud as he rubbed the tips of his fingers together menacingly.
"Excellent... Excellent! My plans are finally coming to fruition..."
"What news back from our agent in Rubyland, Mordecai?" asked the Chieftain.
"Oh, may your iron fist never rust and the velvet glove that softens its firm strike never chafe", replied the wise man with the longest beard.
"00007.1 has seduced the wicked witch of Jennymaesia, and a celebrity wedding is upcoming. The crone (and not to mention the majority in Jennymaesia) are quite taken with the man. Some reports have his popularity already rivaling that of the Empress herself. Famous producers are already requesting him sign contracts for them to develop films about his life's adventures. The Empress, clearly jealous of his burgeoning popularity, has already demanded of him a token of his loyalty, for which he gifted her a used tyre..."
"A tyre?" exclaimed the Chieftain surprisedly. "And a used one at that?"
"Yes..." answered Mordecai.
"Will that be sufficient to pacify the Empress? I would be insulted by such a gift," continued the Chieftain.
"Well, the Empress of Jennymaesia - may her lipstick be banana-flavoured and an ugly, recalcitrant verruca named Ursula form atop her stubborn nose - is not the wise, beloved Chieftain of Mosestaria - may his lips be moist and furtive, and his beak-shaped nose ever pointier."
"The used tyre..." continued the wise man "will serve to pacify the Empress of Jennymaesia long enough for her army to be crippled..."
The Chieftain nodded. "What usury are we extracting?"
"15% per day," answered Mordecai. "The joint occupying armies of Jennymaesia, Rubyland and Shittimistan (if Shittimistan even counts as a country) are costing a king's ransom to sponsor. Little did they know, when they borrowed from our innocuous-sounding financial institutions to fund their war, they set up their own countries as surety. Within a matter of days, if not a week, we will be able to purchase outright the Empire of Jennymaesia, with the badlands known as Rubyland an added bonus, like the attached snout-ring one receives when one purchases a hog."
"And Shittimistan?" enquired one of the other, not-so-wise wise men.
"Pah! Hardly worth mentioning," responded Mordecai disparagingly. "Shittimistan is like the curly tail that travels with the hog. Something one may even pay to be rid of."
Mordercai continued "With all enemy coffers diverted to funding the invasion of Mosestaria, there has been little spare to fund the enemy's propaganda efforts. Jennymaesia is running a story that the recent Mosestarian election was tainted by mosquito votes, whilst Rubyland is attempting to distract it's citizens by announcing a method of converting Mosestarian car-tyres into mascara."
The Chieftain laughed aloud as he rubbed the tips of his fingers together menacingly.
"Excellent... Excellent! My plans are finally coming to fruition..."
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continued.......
the day of the wedding arrived. The Empress was looking stunning in her wedding gown. Unfortunately the used tyre wedding ring did not compliment the rest of the outfit but as it was a gift from her beloved she was forced to wear it.
Bridesmaids Lanolin and Ruby also rulers of their own countries were busily calming down Empress Jennymaesia who at this stage was having panic attacks. Empress Lanolin suggested she blow into a paper bag, Empress Ruby suggested she drink a little wine. The Empress decided to do both, she needed to calm quickly.
the day of the wedding arrived. The Empress was looking stunning in her wedding gown. Unfortunately the used tyre wedding ring did not compliment the rest of the outfit but as it was a gift from her beloved she was forced to wear it.
Bridesmaids Lanolin and Ruby also rulers of their own countries were busily calming down Empress Jennymaesia who at this stage was having panic attacks. Empress Lanolin suggested she blow into a paper bag, Empress Ruby suggested she drink a little wine. The Empress decided to do both, she needed to calm quickly.
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"Wait, what? The Empress is getting married too?" the great Chieftain of Mosestaria (may his heart remain unbroken and his mind unfettered by emotion) - deep inside a bunker, underneath a basement, in the heartland of the great Chiefdom once known as Mosestaria - spat out his celebratory champagne in surprise.
The wisest of the 70 assembled Mosestarian wise men, Mordecai the Wise(r), started to repeat "Empress Jennymaesia is currently having panic attacks as it is the day of her wedding, so she is blowing into a paper bag *and* drinking a little wine..."
"I explicitly instructed Jomés Band he was supposed to seduce the crone! The wicked witch of Jennymaesia... You know - the ugly one!!!" the Chieftain exploded. "Not the red-lipsticked Empress of Jennymaesia!"
"Ahhhhh, well, sire... You do know that beauty, much like ugliness, can often be in the eye of the beholder?", Mordecai attempted to excuse the obvious failure of Mosestaria's number one spy.
"She is covered in warts! How could he be so mistaken?" the Chieftain fumed.
"Which one sire?" asked Mordecai helpfully.
The Chieftain of Mosestaria shook his head, speechless with dismay. This wedding will be disastrous for Mosestaria!" he lamented. "All of our secrets - our schemes - our plots... potentially exposed to our greatest enemy... Not to mention the birthright of any royal children."
"Will they even be Mosestarian children...", he continued, "or Jennymaesian?" he spat the word. There was an awkward silence, as most everyone of the wise men knew that Jennymaesian women, especially Jennymaesian Empresses, almost always gave birth to Jennymaesian children.
"Does it matter so much if the children are Jennymaesian?" asked one of the not-so-wise wise men. "I mean, the father will still be Mosestarian..."
"Our scheme is to end the Jennymaesian dynasty, and put one of our own in the Empress' chair!" asserted the Chieftain. "Not to help continue their dynasty for them!"
"Well, is there some way we could arrange for Jomés Band to give birth? I know it's never been tried, but it's gaining popularity in Europe, and there is a chance that a Mosestarian man..."
Before the not-so-wise man had completed his suggestion, the Chieftain had waved his hand, and Mosestarian guards had escorted the hapless man to the surface.
"Perhaps the Empress and Jomés Band won't want children?" another wise-man suggested hopefully. "Difficult, scheming, messy creatures they can be, children... And expensive! Perhaps if we provided a free, informative course on the financial cost of child-rearing in the 21st century..."
"There is still the matter of risk to Mosestaria's state secrets!" stated the Chieftain coldly. "No, there is only one way for Mosestaria to escape this potential tragedy. The wedding must be cancelled!"
The wisest of the 70 assembled Mosestarian wise men, Mordecai the Wise(r), started to repeat "Empress Jennymaesia is currently having panic attacks as it is the day of her wedding, so she is blowing into a paper bag *and* drinking a little wine..."
"I explicitly instructed Jomés Band he was supposed to seduce the crone! The wicked witch of Jennymaesia... You know - the ugly one!!!" the Chieftain exploded. "Not the red-lipsticked Empress of Jennymaesia!"
"Ahhhhh, well, sire... You do know that beauty, much like ugliness, can often be in the eye of the beholder?", Mordecai attempted to excuse the obvious failure of Mosestaria's number one spy.
"She is covered in warts! How could he be so mistaken?" the Chieftain fumed.
"Which one sire?" asked Mordecai helpfully.
The Chieftain of Mosestaria shook his head, speechless with dismay. This wedding will be disastrous for Mosestaria!" he lamented. "All of our secrets - our schemes - our plots... potentially exposed to our greatest enemy... Not to mention the birthright of any royal children."
"Will they even be Mosestarian children...", he continued, "or Jennymaesian?" he spat the word. There was an awkward silence, as most everyone of the wise men knew that Jennymaesian women, especially Jennymaesian Empresses, almost always gave birth to Jennymaesian children.
"Does it matter so much if the children are Jennymaesian?" asked one of the not-so-wise wise men. "I mean, the father will still be Mosestarian..."
"Our scheme is to end the Jennymaesian dynasty, and put one of our own in the Empress' chair!" asserted the Chieftain. "Not to help continue their dynasty for them!"
"Well, is there some way we could arrange for Jomés Band to give birth? I know it's never been tried, but it's gaining popularity in Europe, and there is a chance that a Mosestarian man..."
Before the not-so-wise man had completed his suggestion, the Chieftain had waved his hand, and Mosestarian guards had escorted the hapless man to the surface.
"Perhaps the Empress and Jomés Band won't want children?" another wise-man suggested hopefully. "Difficult, scheming, messy creatures they can be, children... And expensive! Perhaps if we provided a free, informative course on the financial cost of child-rearing in the 21st century..."
"There is still the matter of risk to Mosestaria's state secrets!" stated the Chieftain coldly. "No, there is only one way for Mosestaria to escape this potential tragedy. The wedding must be cancelled!"
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So the rumors are true. There’s a resistance forming on the ruins of Mosestaria. A heroine of our country has taken upon herself to compromise the secret whereabouts of the Mosestarian ruler. She’s as beautiful as the diamonds of the seas when the sun is twinkling where it meets the blue, blue water. No man could resist her beauty, and a man named Mordechai, has already lost his heart to this lady while his eyes are gazing at her like she was the stars in heaven. Oh, could he ever be blamed for loving her so much that he gave away his land?
Still, he’s pretending to be loyal to his king, the felon saying that he’s a ruler. But this very night, treason will be at the rulers door. Armed with lipstick so green that the ruler will look like a green tomato being fried on a bed of charcoal Mordechai, the wisest, will turn the tables and give Jennymaesia what truly belongs to her. The ruler of Mosestaria before her feet.
The Empress then will ask the happy people of Jennymaesia what to do with the conquered ruler. They will respond with gleeful cheers and and beg for his swift express to the inferior makeup mines. The Empress, Jenny XIV, will then be as merciful as a dove and he will tie the knot with the ugly old hag.😁
Still, he’s pretending to be loyal to his king, the felon saying that he’s a ruler. But this very night, treason will be at the rulers door. Armed with lipstick so green that the ruler will look like a green tomato being fried on a bed of charcoal Mordechai, the wisest, will turn the tables and give Jennymaesia what truly belongs to her. The ruler of Mosestaria before her feet.
The Empress then will ask the happy people of Jennymaesia what to do with the conquered ruler. They will respond with gleeful cheers and and beg for his swift express to the inferior makeup mines. The Empress, Jenny XIV, will then be as merciful as a dove and he will tie the knot with the ugly old hag.😁
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Too late for that now. 000007 has spilled his guts and the Empress now knows all of Mosestaria’s well hidden secrets. What a wonderful wedding it was. The Empress’ dress was a sight for sore eyes and her ruby red lipstick made everybody forget about banana flavored lipstick made in Mosestaria. The Empress, though, is not quite sure whether she married 000007 or Mordecai, but that’s not important right now. The Jennymaesian monarchy is now secured and our dynasty will prosper.
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The Lanolinland guinea pigs ate the carrot wedding cake and pronounced it delicious.
President Lanolin are hoping that the happy couple will consider forgoing having children, after all children are messy and mischievous, and will probably grow up spoiled and entitled to abdicate all royal responsibilities. She suggests adopting Lanolinland's guinea pigs instead.
President Lanolin are hoping that the happy couple will consider forgoing having children, after all children are messy and mischievous, and will probably grow up spoiled and entitled to abdicate all royal responsibilities. She suggests adopting Lanolinland's guinea pigs instead.
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The wedding is over and was one of the best that I have attended.
I am also unsure as to whom the Empress married, even though I was in the wedding party. The groom had is back to me and was wearing a hat tilted so I could not tell. It was three possibilities, 00000007, Mordecai or the leader of Mosestaria. The Empress is correct though, it really doesn't matter.
The food was fabulous although I did not get to taste the wedding cake. It seems the guinea pigs finished that off.
Shittimistan provided the flowers, generously donated by Hairy.
Alas, it is time to make my way back to Rubyland where I continue to rule and reign my country. Have a busy week ahead meeting with make up scientists to test whether my brilliant idea of melting tyres into mascara is feasable.
I am also unsure as to whom the Empress married, even though I was in the wedding party. The groom had is back to me and was wearing a hat tilted so I could not tell. It was three possibilities, 00000007, Mordecai or the leader of Mosestaria. The Empress is correct though, it really doesn't matter.
The food was fabulous although I did not get to taste the wedding cake. It seems the guinea pigs finished that off.
Shittimistan provided the flowers, generously donated by Hairy.
Alas, it is time to make my way back to Rubyland where I continue to rule and reign my country. Have a busy week ahead meeting with make up scientists to test whether my brilliant idea of melting tyres into mascara is feasable.
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