Hi Susanna,
I apologize that this post will probably be quite long.
It seems every Christian will compare their own "good" and "bad" habits with those of other Christians. I suppose it's part of our human nature. And the way we think we can "measure" or own "good" or "bad" deeds with someone else always leaves us feeling better or worse as a result.
By nature, I'm a nerdy introvert who doesn't doesn't drink or smoke because it would make me very sick. I don't like parties because I don't like being in an atmosphere where people are losing control. But for whatever reason, like a moth to a flame, I have always been drawn to people who are very different from me.
I've posted before about going through a long time of corresponding with inmates and a few people in the military. The reason I was drawn to those populations is because I felt a calling to people who have been through extreme things. And it taught me so much about what people go through, and that I can't judge how other people choose to cope with life.
I'm certainly not asking or expecting you to post your personal stories here, but you've obviously been through a lot -- losing your husband, being in the military, trying to deal with what I'm sure were extremely stressful situations. My divorce has taken me decades to work through, so I can only imagine what it's been like for you as a young widow, and I am so sorry for that.
I'm guessing maybe the alcohol, smoking, and partying is a way to deal with the extremities of life?
It reminds me of some of the people I used to write -- like the guy who was so good-looking he could rival any Hollywood celebrity (I only saw a picture, never met him,) but his own father took advantage of that by prostituting him out for drugs since he was a boy. There were countless other stories like this -- parents, coaches, and what were supposed to be trusted adults abusing their positions in the worst possible ways. And the things they went through in their now-daily lives weren't any better.
Almost all were involved in "bad habits" -- and some were in prison because they had killed their abusers, resulting in a Life Without Parole sentence.
I also remember some of the correspondence I had with a few soldiers -- such as the young man who had held his dying best friend who had stepped on a hidden explosive... Another who spoke of wanting to kill the foreigner he had been teamed up with. And a prominent person in a church I was part of whose military spouse couldn't take it anymore and chose to violently end their life.
I've said all this to say -- I don't know your story, and I'm surely not expecting you to spill it all here. But I am guessing that you have seen and been through some things, perhaps far beyond what most of us could even comprehend.
Like all of us, you are on a journey in which God is transforming us, even though that process won't be completed in this lifetime.
I think we as people make the mistake of seeing others' "bad habits" as being worse than our own (because self-righteousness itself can be quite addictive.) I've read that the people who make the harshest judgments regarding others' actions tend to be:
1. Those who have never struggled in the same way, and therefore think no one else should either.
2. Those who HAVE struggled in the same way, and either chose "healthy" ways to cope OR overcame their bad habits, therefore, they now think everyone else can and should as well.
I have heard some of the worst judgments of others' habits... coming from people who are extremely overweight. Now some people have conditions that make it very hard or nearly impossible to lose weight -- I get that, as I have such a condition. But I can also make a choice as to whether I have a burger, fries, and milkshake vs. steamed chicken and broccoli. I can't point fingers at someone sles who is smoking and drinking if I'm choosing to gorge myself and mistreat my body as well.
I personally find it terribly ironic -- and dare I say, hypocritical -- when I hear someone who is 50 pounds overweight criticizing someone else for having a drink. Maybe it's just me, but I think eating to excess (causing the body great harm) is a sin, just like any other harmful habit against the body. For some reason, gluttony is excused -- yet how many people use it to cope with the stress of daily life. One sin is seen as "normal" everyday life, while other sins are always the scapegoats.
Right now I'm sitting here with a jumbo-sized cup of coffee. Seeing as I'm very sensitive to caffeine, for me to even have it might be a sin against my own body, but yet I do, because I like the taste, and the morning ritual. It's one of the ways I cope with life. But in all honesty, if I truly listened to God in this area, I might never be able to have caffeine again. But I know I would.
So who am I to judge someone else's habits when every person is tied to some kind of habit we all find nearly impossible to break? God knows where each of us is in the process, and what step needs to be taken next. I might occasionally say something harsh to a friend out of concern, but I also feel my job is to show them as much love and compassion as I can along the way.
One other point I wanted to make was about some of the inmates I wrote who were Christians -- many of the ones I wrote were in for murder, because I purposely sought out those with the most extreme crimes. Of those, some believed God had forgiven them -- even of murder -- and that they too are going to heaven. Whether they were truly saved or not was not my place to judge -- I just wanted to hear their stories and how it had affected their relationship with God. I would set their letters out on the table (following the example of Hezekiah in Isaiah,) and ask God how, or if, I should reply.
This is something I have thought about often -- what it must be like to have committed what we as human beings believe are the worst possible sins -- but to also believe that God has fully forgiven those sins... And that someday, He will grant those who are truly repentant believers a place in heaven right next to (or very far above) me as well. God is more than willing to forgive even what we see as the worst of sins.
I've said all this to say, I believe you when you say you believe you are going to heaven. And I believe that like all of us, you are allowing God to work His personalized plan in your own life, which is unique to you. I am happy to pray for you and offer support and encouragement along the way.
One last thing: don't let the people with the supposed "good" habits fool you.
Whenever I think I'm doing "good," God always sends me someone who is doing 100 times better than I am, and won't let me forget about it until I finally have to repent of my own pride!
After all, the Bible says: "All of us have become like one unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags. We dry up like leaves, and our sins are like wind storms, sweeping us far away from God." (Isaiah 64:6.)
God knows what you've been through, Susanna, and He loves you just the way you are and wants to help you through your struggles. ❤️❤️❤️
I'm really glad you are here.
I am so sorry for the troubles you've been through, but I appreciate the wisdom (and humor!) you share with us, and I am here if you ever need to vent or talk. 🥰🌹🙏
Much love to you!