Do Parents and Married People Get Told By Others to "Get a Life"?

Thank you, gentlemen, for bringing up these points.

I was raised in a church where everyone who wasn't part of a nuclear family (with at least 4 children) was pretty much seen as a moral and spiritual failure (at least that's how it always felt to me.)

Single parents and those divorced were tolerated in minute numbers but whispered about. I still remember the classmate whose single mom was said by the other women to "have a revolving door in her house for men." Since I was just a kid, I was thinking to myself, "How could they fit a whole revolving door in the side of their house?!" I also saw it as kind of a carnival ride and thought it might be fun.

I have no idea if it was true or not, but this is what was being said at potlucks and such.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, single people were expected to marry and working on producing several children right away. Anyone around say, 24 (the perfect age to have become a synod teacher -- more grace and time was given to young men seeking to be pastors) was seen as being fatally flawed.

People who didn't become denominational pastors or teachers were also considered much lesser in the spiritual hierarchy. Business people were recruited for financial giving but never listened to when it came to sticking to a budget or getting/staying out of debt.

As an adult, I came to despise the attitudes I grew up not just hearing or seeing, but feeling to the core as I was learning the pecking order myself.

One of my lifetime goals is to try to ask God to hopefully eradicate as much of this from myself as possible. But as could be expected, I picked up my own collection of biases along the way, and have to ask God to work on those as well.

Thank you for this reminder that it's an ever-present self-awareness we all must maintain.

I appreciate the kind words, but there are no super Christians; only those who walk by faith and those who don't. I do challenge you the next time circumstances seem unpleasant to you to pray and rather than looking for a way out to look for where Jesus joins in. Your entire outlook will be altered. Instead of looking for an end of your problems, you will be looking for the manifestation of God. Your circumstances become a door to an encounter with God. This is what God created you for...this is eternal life, that they might know Thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom Thou hast sent...

Oh believe me... Challenging her has been well covered. There is no need to further challenge her to do anything. It has been thoroughly taken care of.

From what I hear from my married associates, they experience a more "polite" social vampirism. You're not a loser- you're married after all... but you should get out more, etc. You are "sheltered" if you don't know about the latest stupid worldly thing of little consequence.

Up until a few years ago. But now it's the latest tiktok thing.

I mean, what kind of idiot doesn't know about Pig Snot? It's the latest thing, everybody on tiktok is doing it.

Well its easy really, stop being concerned with what others think, or you will always
be insecure and look to others for your pointers.

Be yourself, you have a life, whether single or married do things that make you happy and are in keeping with the teachings of Christ.

'Pig Snot' or 'Pig Snorts' ?

I must be that idiot because I don't think I have ever heard of it... (as a [social] "thing")

(I have rarely ever been on tiktok - only when following a link someone posted, etc. - I really don't give that site much attention.)

The part about pig snot was sarcasm, to illustrate a point. I have not been bored enough to watch TikTok, so people at my job often consider me hopelessly out of the loop because I don't know about the latest TikTok reference they are talking about.

I don't know offhand what the current latest reference is called, but it could be pig snot for all I know. Maybe a challenge to kiss a pig on the nose or something. Who knows?

Something you’ll never understand unless you experience it firsthand. I never was a dog person until I had a dog and then once I had my own dog, I got it. With regards to parenting, I say hands-down it’s been the biggest earthly joy of my entire life.

sure do, but much of that is just senseless repeated comment without meaning. i have never been told that. it would be impossible actually. why? because i was always a busyaholic & still am. so is my wife.

Yes the "get a life" still occurs when you have a family.... even more so I would say.

1. You have a baby as a woman and your body is completely different and you're healing. You also have spit up on you and probably don't feel beautiful and like going out. Over time you learn how to love your new body and things heal and look better.

2. People who don't have babies may not understand why you don't go out to eat for dinner with a baby (FYI babies go to bed at 7 or 8 typically). I do know extroverts that still do that with babies, but I like my sleep more than they do. 😆 and my babies always slept well compared to theirs. Even worse with toddlers... you ever see the kid throwing a tantrum in walmart at 9 pm? Yes, literally any kid there at 9 at night will be.

3. People have an opinion about literally everything when it comes to parenting. You can be the nicest person in the world and they'll still think you are a terrible parent. Because you have to have a balance between being nice and boundaries. Also some kids are easier and some much more difficult.

4. Your kids are people too and you'll lose friends just by the kids not getting along.

5. In church you see a lot of homeschool families and you need to come to a mutual understanding of each other and accept everyone's decision. But again it can put you on the outside if you do not.

My church friends and most of my extended family are gifted and you have to deal with the boasting of the 3 year old reading chapter books, while my kid wasn't even talking yet. It's hard not to be jealous, while also being very worried about my own child. Also makes it hard for the kids to get along (see number 4).

Everything in life is a phase though. But it makes it hard to be close to anyone outside of your family when you're so busy. As the kids get older it does get easier though, at least in my experience. So I still hold on to hope that I too will "get a life." 🤣

Hey Seoulsearch, my friend.
Hey Seoulsearch,

Hope you are well.

We often have spoken about such related topics in the forums.

Yes. Still single.

Often I have prayed to God for a good woman. A woman with a good heart. A woman with love.

Living on your own is one thing. Living alone is something else. I am not alone. I live with my family.

But I have struggled as a single man. Leave a Christian community which expects you to marry and settle down aside. You are criticized for being unmarried.

I'm from India. And I have crossed the conventional marriageable age.

It is very difficult to find a woman for me. Especially if you dont have a steady source of income. If you struggling to give life to a sole proprietary business.

I come from a hurt home. Lots of family problems. Have outgrown some of them. Some can be remedied. Some things can't. Have lived for years with unfriendly neighbours. Still do.

Have lost friendships. Been betrayed by family and friends alike.

Growing up, I hated myself. I feel ok now. I never wanted any woman to feel what I feel. I never wished sadness on any woman. Or anyone for that matter.

It's a struggle. Not easy. I didn't do this on my own. I prayed to God.

I don't even notice the times I cry alone. It's like that.

If not for Jesus, I won't be here. I won't be anywhere.

I think happiness and contentment is a journey we take alone or rather it is us individually and God.

The reason I'm saying this is because I have lived my life facing all this. Still continue to face it. I just don't do it alone anymore. I have Jesus. Always had Him by my side. That's how I get through everything.

I have not had any woman or girl as a close friend. I have many women friends. I don't call or write them. Even the ones I can call and write.

I am flawed. I feel hurt at times.

I'm not saying all this here for seeking advice from anyone. That I don't want anymore. I'm just sharing.

You see single people, just be kind to them. You don't know what they're going through.

Hi @justahumanbeing,

Good to see you here! I am so very sorry for all the hurts, disappointments, and struggles you are going through. I'm glad you have your faith, and of course we always have Jesus, even in our darkest moments -- but sometimes that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

In fact, sometimes it hurts more, because our faith in Jesus is something that is not understood and often mocked by the majority of people. I thinking you probably have an even more difficult time in India than we do in the USA with the pressure to get married, and I'm very sorry.

All I can say is that I think there are many people here who can relate, and have often, like you, prayed for the right person to enter into their life. We all know God has His reasons, even if it's in keeping us single.

But it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I hope you can find some comfort here, and that we'll continue to see you in the threads.

The lives we all have can be painful. But one of the ways God helps us is by providing means of connecting through this forum, so that we can walk through it together, helping to carry each other's burdens.

God bless you and I will say a prayer for you! ❤️

I know

That is very true. A problem shared is a problem halved.

I am very thankful for your kind words.

I know that there are good people in this forum.

After all, we love the same God. The God who knows us, hears us and calls us by name.

One other thing I failed to mention. I have never seen my parents happy for even 1 single day. Not even genuinely happy.

My father is no more. He passed on when I was 21, I think. He was never there for us. He and my mother separated when I was 4 years old. And then, he would visit from time to time. He never stayed with us for more than a few months.

He had his weaknesses. Tried to love us. He did what he could maybe.

I loved him despite all that. I'm glad I did.

My mother couldn't divorce him. Divorces don't work in Indian communities you see.

Widow remarriage was never talked about in my family. That's how pathetically bad Indian society is.

Still considered uncommon. My mother is too religious. I have seen her live a lonely life.

So, that's how I am like this. I didn't even propose to the girls I liked. Didn't talk to them. Not out of fear. But because I thought I won't be enough for them.

It hurt when I heard they were getting married. Because I had feelings for them. Then it's over. I dont think of it anymore. They will never know.

Now they have children. So, I'm past all that. Im past all the looks from girls and boys younger than me, questioning me to my face why I am unmarried. I'm past the pitiful looks of girls younger than me in any community when they find out im not married.

What else can I do. I have given it in God's hands.

You know, I appreciate you for your kind words. I Will always support the believers here by my words and prayers.

God bless you also my friend. Thank you.

Hi @justahumanbeing,

I'm very sorry to hear about your parents. I can't claim to know much about Indian culture but I do know that the social expectations for marriage and rules for divorce seem to be a lot stricter, and, heartbreakingly, sounds very critical of those who have not married by a certain age.

I understand about watching others around you get married, and can sympathize with you having to see those you had feelings for now having their own families. Here in the USA it's hard, but I think the culture here is becoming a little more accepting of those who remain single -- I'm so sorry it's not the case there.

I really do hope we can be of some help here in these threads. The "regular" crowd we often have in Singles now posts here in Family and sometimes Miscellaneous as well, in order to be able to talk to more people. We're also picking up a lot of wisdom from married friends here.

Please come join us when you can and I hope to see more of your posts in the future.

Thank you @seoulsearch

It means a lot. Yes. Parents play a role in our lives. I don't hold either of my parents responsible. They did their best. Both of them. Given their parental background.

My father was raised by adoptive parents while he thought his real parents were his uncle and aunt. It was the other way around. So I guess you can make out a little of what happened there. I don't ever think of either of my parents' childhood much.

My mother was raised by her father. Lost her mum at a very young age.

Both my parents were the old generation. Not my father because he lived most of his life doing what he pleased. He was not there for us. He was physically absent. And when he was there, he was abusive and toxic to a degree.

My mother had to juggle both his role and hers. The life just got to her.

I grew up in a rough environment. I learned only through trial and error. I was never taught much about life by either of my parents.

But enough of that. It's hard for me to think of my family. I don't think about it. It's in the past. I just believe they did their best.

I've gone through blaming them and being angry with them to forgiving them and moving on. I want to keep it that way.

I think, given some time, it could be like that in India too. No pressure to get married if someone doesn't like it.

I never met a girl whom I would do anything for. Those that I did, I didn't approach because I felt they could do better. Also that would have been their expectation.

Saad Lipe

Sure. I appreciate much your kind words. You're a good soul my friend. God bless you.

The 2 threads I like the most are the family forum, single forum. Bible forum I visit. Share some songs I like. That's that. Talk to a few people. I enjoy good conversations and good company whenever possible.

I may have sounded a little emotional in my previous posts. Is because I was going through a hard time. Usually I don't talk all that either.

Thank you. I appreciate you.

Based on the Indians I have known, they do seem to have strict ideas about marriage. I remember one girl awhile ago who said she doesn't know any older Indian woman who is unmarried. Trying to be helpful here, but you should not worry about what others think of you, especially some people you listed above like unfriendly neighbors and family (especially extended) who cause trouble. You have a lot of hurt, and probably think life is unfair. Yet, you say that happiness and contentment is a journey with God. You don't have to answer this here, but how is your relationship with God? While I don't believe my relationship with God is perfect, to me focusing on God more just helps me realize how everything else such as circumstances, whether good or bad, is less important.

Seem to have my friend? Please go through the four fold caste system. Varnashrama Dharma a.k.a Manusmrithi. I know my society and my culture. More than half the people I know get married in their castes accordingly. Indians don't marry because they genuinely love each other. They strictly marry within their communities. In some cases, according to you guys in the west, the marriage is incestuous. And yeah, I understand that too. Some of my own cousins are married that way. I would have married that way too. Still have that option to marry that way. But, I am refraining from marrying my first cousin. I am breaking that cycle. I would rather not marry for the sake of marrying.

That's the thing. I would die for the woman I love. I don't want to love any woman like that. Because people aren't worth that much trouble. I'm just focused on self love and self healing. I am not ok some days. I don't want to say too much. My troubles are my troubles. It is between me and my God. My life is difficult as it is. You know all those romance movies where the woman looks at a guy and likes him and goes and talks to him. I call bull on that. Never happened to me. Or maybe I was a closed personality.

You have no idea how much I have prayed. I am close enough to God. Though I can be closer to Jesus than what I am. Anyway.

Unfriendly neighbours is too delicate to put it that way. Try hostile neighbours. Neighbours who knock at your door, the whole family and fight you at midnight because of text exchange in whatsapp. This happened a week ago. That's not even the surface of what happens in my apartments.

I understand where you're coming from. You want me to be connected with God in all circumstances. I claim that I am conected with Jesus every second of my life. I have not had a problem there. Thank you.

I can get by on my own. The hurt I am burdened with is the hurt my mother gives me by harsh words. In her old age, she is someone who is very child like. These are things which I can't do anything about. In India, we take care of our parents. That's changing now. I would like to look after my mother in her old age.

I'm not sure if I will marry in this lifetime. God knows. I value God's friendship more than you know. I feel you are judging me. You can if you want to. No problem

I apologize if I came across that way. Why do you feel I was judging you? I do believe evaluating our relationship with God is important when we feel hopeless (which is the sense I got from your posts), and I did admit my relationship with God isn't perfect. I have been connected with God in both dark and happier times...however there were times while I sought God but I sometimes felt God was disconnected/wasn't listening to me. When I trust that God has everything under control or using hard times for a purpose, I think less about my circumstances and move forward, and sometimes I am even grateful for the dark times. I am not saying that we will forget the dark times, but I can see why God may have allowed that.

You were curious about my relationship with God. If I didn't have a relationship with him, I wouldn't be here. And I don't like anyone asking me that. I would never ask you that or anyone that. Communicating with God beyond a certain point is a personal choice. Freewill. And everyone does it their way. There is no one way or the other.

I don't think in extremes as you put it. I would never use the words that "life is unfair", like you said. And I am the last person to worry what anyone thinks of me. What you assume about me isn't correct. And you cannot assume something about someone without judging them first. So there you go. And I told you it's ok. No problem. I know you're trying to help and I appreciate you for it.