When the Only Time You Hear from People -- Is For a Fundraiser/Bake Sale/Social Media Following/Business They're Trying to Keep Alive...

Hey Everyone,

I was excited to see a notification that I had a package waiting for me at my mailbox today. Though I wasn't expecting anything, every now and then, I do get a free sample of something in the mail, so I made a special trip to swing by my box to see what kind of surprise might be in store.

Dun dun dun dunn... Instead, I found a routine, copied newsletter from people I knew years ago at a church -- hinting at donating to their personal work in the mission field. Why on earth the postal service classified this form letter as a "package", I don't know.

But I started to think about how many people I've met in churches/through Christian connections over the years who only contact me if they: 1. Are Having a Fundraiser/Bake Sale/Raffle. 2. Are Trying to Grow Their Social Media Following And Won't You Give Them a Like, Follow, and Subscribe? 3. Have Some Kind of Business Selling Something You're Not Interested But It Makes You Feel Guilty If You Don't Buy... 4. Want To Use You as a Personal Therapist... Then Disappear, Until They Need to Unload Again.

And I concluded my thoughts with, "No wonder I'm an introvert -- and no wonder I'm not the least bit interested in 'going out and making friends' anymore."

I think this stands out even more to me as a single, because many of us literally won't hear from people until this time of year -- and it's almost always because they're asking for something. Sure, they hit up the marrieds too, but singles have to look at that empty form letter on the counter and the only form of a communication they might get in a very long time.

Who better to solicit money, time, and sympathy from than lonely singles who have no one else to talk to or convey their thoughts with?

I was also thinking about how, especially during the holidays, I believe many singles come to feel more like ATM machines than actual, living, breathing people with feelings and needs -- and it's not a good feeling. Because where are these people (or much of anyone else) when you're the one in need of something?

For myself, I have it worked out with God how much I give to church, charities, and causes I believe God puts on my heart -- but I know there is always the feeling that I can do/give more, more, more. I've also known people (some single, some married, as well as myself) who were so lonely that they basically gave their lives away in service to others who only used them for their own purposes (which they of course insisted were God-led.)

Is there any way to cope with and even avoid all of this?

* Do you have a lot of people in your life who only contact you if they need/are seeking something? Especially during the holidays?

* Do you cut them off, or do you tend to hold on to hold ties? Why or why not?

* Do these same people ever take the time to reach out to ask how you're doing, or if YOU have a cause THEY could help out with? How many times have they helped you pay for something urgent in your own life?

* How do we (especially singles) sidestep those who just want to use us for their own causes?

Although I do love, pray for, and support the people who sent me the form letter when I can, I know it's made me all the more thankful that I do have some people in my life who care about me as a person, not just what I might be able to supply them with.

We all have our challenges, and just today, a good friend wrote me and said, "Hey, I know you're going through something. Can I help?" And it was in that moment that I almost cried out of gratitude, to be seen as a person and not just a mere donation, follow, like, or subscribe.

How about you?

What's your story/experience with things like this? ⛪❄️🎄✝️💌

I would love to hear your stories and thoughts.

I remember this one lady Grandma used to take painting lessons from. For YEARS afterward, this lady would occasionally call up to see if Grandma wanted another painting lesson, complete with a sob story about being out of money.

On the flip side, both Uncle Fred and Aunt Diane called me last night, just because they hadn't heard from me in a few days and they wanted to check if I was all right. Of course I was. Things don't change very fast in my life. But it was nice of them.

Wow.

You just described my entire life in a single post.

You're not alone in this, @keepingthingsreal.

Many of us here are living out the same things, trying to survive one day at a time through the emptiness that echos through the walls every time we drop our keys off as we stumble through the door.

And we're doing it through discussions, no matter how silly or serious, right here on the forum.

Hope you'll be able to stop in and stay a while.

Or they want you to become part of their Amway gig.

For whatever it is worth, it has been somewhat comforting to see that other people are going through things similar to what I have been going through for years. The reason why I say "somewhat comforting" is because I do not want my comments to sound like "misery loves company" types of comments. In other words, I am certainly not rejoicing that others are suffering in ways similar to me, nor am I looking to start or join a pity party.

Were I to open up more, then my comments would make more sense. One thing that I have noticed is that I have not really been paying attention to where the threads I have been responding to are located. In other words, I notice a thread under "recent posts" or "newest topics," and I just jump right in without noticing what forum that thread is in. This thread is in the single's forum, and my "story" would probably better be told elsewhere. Maybe in a thread entitled "Losing your life to find it," or "The cost of discipleship," or "Absolute surrender." Something like that. Were I to open up here, then I think that I would ruin the atmosphere.

Anyhow, reading your opening post was truly like reading my autobiography.

I will add this, even though it will probably sound quite weird.

Yesterday, I read the opening post in a thread about "Black Friday sales." When I read it, I almost burst into tears. Why? Because I was confronted with the reality that I have nobody else to shop for in this world because I am pretty much like a leper in this world.

I have said too much already. I don't want to lead this thread in a different direction than was originally planned.

Yeah, sometimes it can be a real downer.

On the other hand...

https://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/its-good-to-be-single.200309/

Here's a shortcut to some of the parts in that thread where I had the most fun:

https://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/its-good-to-be-single.200309/page-17#post-5115406

My situation really isn't related to being single, but, then again, it is.

The other day, I said this to you on another thread after you had welcomed me to this site.
The easiest way for me to describe what I meant would be by quoting the following verse of scripture.

Gal 2:20
I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

We have all read this verse, but what does one do when they are one tiny step away from it becoming a reality? Specifically, the not I, but Christ liveth in me part?

For many years, God has been systematically stripping me of everything; whether bad or good. Getting rid of the bad things (sin) has actually been the easy part. Getting rid of the good things, or the things which are not sinful in and of themselves, has been the difficult and scary part.

Whether we consciously realize it or not, when we are born into this world, we begin to desire certain things in this world, and even if those things are not sinful, they may not be a part of God's will for our lives. To make this as simple as possible, I honestly feel as if I am about an inch away from the door that leads me to the totally crucified life in Christ. A life in which I would no longer truly be living, or a life in which all of my own desires would be gone, and Christ would be free to live his life through me in order that I might fulfill the purpose for which I was born into this world. Let me tell you, that is a very fearful place to be, and that is how I wound up here. In other words, in a sense, I feel like Jonah who boarded a ship to Tarshish while running away from God's calling for his life. For me, the last thing that I am clinging to is my desire to be with a woman. I am not talking about anything lustful. I just like women, and I would like to be with one again, not in a lustful manner, before I leave this earth. I do not think that is God's plan for me, and I think that I am somehow going to have to find the courage to go through that door.

Whether or not any of this makes sense, that I where I am at, and I am scared. Truly losing one's life for Christ's sake is possible, and I feel that God has systematically brought me to that place. God help me.

*is where I am at.

probably not a way to cope with or avoid. even if you belong to a church,, although it be minimal, you may have to deal with. it's the world over. lack of compassion, true caring & listening to people's problems are gone with the wind just about. what you mentioned is what i dealt with a lot in my life & still do but i have little to do with anyone anymore. all you can do is ask Jesus for some real christian friends. once you find some, they may know others. i don't pay attention to the charity, fundraising, bakesael, social media nonsense anymore. i'm so used to not being loved it's off the scale. never had it growing up because our parents beat us nearly nonstop! & i hardly had any friends in my life except when i lived in Mass. for 3 & half years. this behavior you speak of diminished a lot when i drew away from everyone. in fact, listen to this: just this year, January 1st, i made a new years resolution. never call anyone a 2nd time, never give anyone a 2nd chance, don't pursue anyone for anything more than once & don't ask anyone how they are going. once you start asking questions, people feel like they are receiving attention & they feed off of it. the strategy worked perfect. now everyone asks me questions & wants my attention. but i'm still not going to seek out anyone anymore.

Back to the op, Those people go on the shelf for the most part and rarely do theyget what they're asking for. Now in fairness at times in my life I have been that person, I date (ok that typo is too good to delete but it was supposed to be dare) say. And I totally relate to the I'm not interested in social connection partly because seems like people are always taking more from me than they give idea. So the television, my books, and my dog are my constant companions.

My life isn't quite that isolated thanks to a fairly good church and a skype chat group, but I don't think anyone is going to be writing a novel about my life either.

Only because we don't quite have enough material. Yet.

Hi Keeping,

I joined CC around 2009. Back then there were also live chats, and the site as a whole was pretty hopping. As so many other online sites have popped up over the years and the live chats disappeared, traffic on this site has become much slower -- and much more scattered.

People who usually only visited one part of the forum or another are now going all over, just looking for topics that interest them, because it's the only interaction that's left. All this to say, don't feel too badly about where you put what in each forum. There are some guidelines, yes, and some who prefer they be upheld to varying degrees, but these days especially, it all kind of blends into one.

I used to post mostly in Singles, but because we've made so many married friends here over the years (and many also started out single, but are now married,) I'm gotten to posting more in Family so that hopefully everyone can feel more included.

I can assure you that your story would be welcome and not at all out of place here in Singles. Over the years, we've pretty much seen it all, as others have poured their hearts out as well -- I still remember one haunting story of a member who, as a child, went into their parent's room and found one of their parents deceased. I cannot even imagine that, being that this person was so very young, but I know it happens every day.

People have bravely shared all kinds of experiences with everything from abuse, abandonment, divorce, single parenting, troubled pasts, prisons sentences, atheism or other religions, and any kind of personal relationship you can think of, such as within churches, families, work places, etc. Please don't think you'll somehow be out of place here, no matter what your story. And there are wonderful people here who really do understand, because they've been through, and/or are still going through it, too.

The forum also has a Testimonies section that you might feel more comfortable sharing more in, though I confess I don't go there very often (only because of time restraints,) and I'd really hate to miss your story.

If you'd like, and if you ever decided to post it, please let me know.

I hope you'll feel more and more at ease here as times goes on.

You hit the nail on the head as to why I choose to stay isolated from a lot of people.

Now of course, I know there are times when I've been the guilty party (and I have no doubt that some things in my life are probably reaping what I've sown.)

But this is the number one trait I look for in others -- how much effort do they put into giving back, and not just taking?

Even here on the site, I must admit I stay wary of some I see who constantly ask for prayer, but never seem to offer it out to others. Now I certainly understand that we all go through tough times, and sometimes years, of needing others to pour grace into us so that we can stand on our own and be strong enough to help others.

I'm sure there are times when I'm just being too judgmental, and I try to repent regularly for that. I also realize that we can't know if that person is privately praying for others here or not. I really have to strategize my time here, and I was never good at writing out prayers or speaking them aloud myself, so mine are almost always in my head.

We've often had the suggestion to add an "I Prayed for You" Emoji on the site, which I don't think is possible with the software limitations, but that's definitely one thing I wish we could have.

I tend to do all of my praying privately, so when I do pray for others online, I try to leave at least a like or heart emoji symbolizing that. I'm sure others do, too.

But some of the people I admire most are the ones who take the time to put personal prayers for those asking into writing, as well as those who are always regularly greeting/encouraging others all around the site.

These people obviously have something to give.

And those are the kinds of people I hope to serve most in my time here.

I agree that your strategy is well-utilized by a lot of singles I know (including myself) and it almost always works perfectly.

The problem is that when you're single yourself, you wind up alone in a room, possibly talking to stuffed critters (and then trying to rope your online friends into being part of the conversation.)

But I have to admit that for me, it can be a whole lot better than having to deal with anyone trying to suck the life out of you without ever giving back.

Thank you.

Over the years, I have learned (the hard way) to be more selective in my sharing of personal information and/or experiences. At one extreme, there are people like you who obviously think and care deeply, and I genuinely appreciate such people. At the other extreme, I would not even know what adjectives to use to describe them, but they are not the type of people that I care to share personal information with.

In the very short time that I have been here, I have already put about 6 people on ignore. Just a few moments ago, a poster who I have never interacted with called me a dumbazz while informing me that my mother is calling me. What is wrong with these people? That is a rhetorical question because I know full well what makes people like that tick.

Anyhow, I have already opened up too much publicly. Besides, I already know my situation, and my only options before God, so I do not believe that any amount of counsel from others can really help me in my situation. Sure, as I already said, it is comforting, in a sense, to realize that others are going through similar things, and it is also nice to see that some people actually care. With these things in mind, I will probably only share personal information in the future if I believe that it can somehow help others.

I see that you changed your avatar. An owl? Hmmm. Fitting for one so wise.

Hi again Keeping,

I just wanted to let you know once more that you are not alone in this, and I hope you'll find others who are going through the same thing here (if that would help you.)

Have you ever been bullied in your life? I was one of a handful of adopted Asians growing up in small, predominantly white area, so I have a means of understanding what it is to be bullied and told I don't belong (though I didn't have it nearly as bad as many others whose stories I've cried over.) Whether the bullying is over race, religion, morals, habits, health reasons... Anyone who's gone through it understands the isolation and pain it causes.

One of the unique things I've found on this site are, without any fancy way to say it, are many other bullied people who have now grown up. Some still bear the scars and aftermaths. Some are still working through and processing the trauma. Some still experience the bullying daily, whether at home, in church, and at work, But some, a small handful, seem to have and are adjusting remarkably well, living very full lives that I'm constantly learning from. Not that they don't have very trying moments, or times of discouragement, but they have something I don't yet have, and I keep asking God what I need to do in order to get to that level. But as we all know, such things require immense amounts of sacrifice.

I've said all this to say that many of us here can relate to what you're saying. Many here are ostracized regularly and sometimes daily for whatever it may be, including their walk with Jesus. One of the things we share here are the stories of how we make it through (with God's help of course!), lessons we've learned, and... some even find a few joyful surprises along the way -- even if it's just funny little throwaway threads about people's food preferences.

The older I get, the more and more isolated I feel.

But I also feel as if I might, just possibly, may be getting closer to God as each rope gets cut off. I understand that it's a very painful process. And you're not exactly sure what's going to be left -- if anything -- which is why we have no choice but to call it faith.

I, like you, and like many people here, are trying our best to live differently because we want to get closer to God, while somehow coping with all the loneliness and often ridicule that comes with it (such as for being single and "failing" to find a spouse.)

But God doesn't see us as failures.

You are not alone.

And we hope you'll enjoy walking with us for a while.

i wish for you, attention from solid Christians, friendship with proper fellowship.

I totally understand where you're coming from and completely get what you're saying.

When I first came here, I was constantly processing pain and anger from a bitter, unwanted divorce that had happened several years before. I was even more angry and bitter when I found out he remarried and had kids, which is something I've never been able to do. But I started writing threads, maybe as a form of self-therapy -- and God somehow worked a miracle out of all my nonsense -- which is just a part of why I love God.

He takes the biggest trash heaps in our lives and turns them into refuges for other people.

But as you say, it also takes wisdom and discernment. I don't share as much as I used to publicly, as I feel God gradually convicted me of that. I'm both an open book but also very limited in whom I really open up to, as I think anyone has to be in these crazy times.

Like you, when I first got here, I was a bit shocked by so many different ideas and all the dissent surrounding it. And as someone who wrote somewhat of a collection of threads, I came to expect that at least one or two trolls would pop up on a regular basis, whether new or returning. It gets to a point where I think old-timers here might actuall be disappointed if only a couple of trolls show up instead of the endless multiples we got back in that day!)

People are more mentally unstable than ever, no matter what label they associate themselves with, including Christian -- and I think sites like this attract way more than their fair share. I can't tell you the number of times I've silently followed some of the rowdiest and most divisive personalities here -- later to find out, sometimes after years, that some are under the influence of drugs/alcohol; some are SUPPOSED to be taking meds but can't afford them or refuse to take them; some have some sort of mental health ailments like schizophrenia, and so it goes on. I remember one guy years ago who eventually confessed that he was high on crystal meth while posting.

So I try not to take anything too seriously here, because you never know what people's situations -- or diagnoses, whether known or not -- might really be.

NOT that this invalidates them as a person of course, but I'm always wondering what factors might be controlling the person other than the Holy Spirit, as they claim.


And yes, the little guy in my avatar is indeed an owl. His name is Winston, and he and his friends have made their way into a few of my threads, as they can't help but occasionally fly in on some of the conversations.

Thank you for the kind words, but I can't claim to be wise in any way.

Just ask my Mom -- she'll tell you I'm more of a smart-aleck!