So controversial topic here. Age gaps in relationships. How much of an age gap is too much? My friend her parents are 10 years apart and have a wonderful Godly relationship, my grandma’s mom and her husband had a 20 year age gap and had a good relationship, and my parents have a 7 year age gap. So what’s considered too much in biblical standards? Does she matter to you all? When does it start to get creepy or gross? Your opinions?
Age?
- Thread starter Sunshine2026
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Well, depends a bit what age you are. There's a much bigger difference between 18 and 28 than there is between 58 and 68. And if there's any kind of biblical standard (bible doesn't really prescribe a certain age for marriage), it would be a pretty wide gap. Ancient cultures expected men to kind of establish themselves (likely 30s or 40's) before marrying a young teenage girl and marriages were usually more about securing alliances or family partnerships than two people falling in love.
Practically, I think same goals in life and similar stage of life are probably more important than actual age. But that means that I wouldn't personally go more than about 10 years in either direction. But other people may be super mature or immature and different limits would apply there. Wide age ranges will probably be more prone to acting more like a parent and child or other unequal relationship decision making dynamics (this book chapter on marriage styles is well worth the read on that topic: https://garythomas.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/WhatsYourStyleChapter.pdf ) .
Practically, I think same goals in life and similar stage of life are probably more important than actual age. But that means that I wouldn't personally go more than about 10 years in either direction. But other people may be super mature or immature and different limits would apply there. Wide age ranges will probably be more prone to acting more like a parent and child or other unequal relationship decision making dynamics (this book chapter on marriage styles is well worth the read on that topic: https://garythomas.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/WhatsYourStyleChapter.pdf ) .
There is a formula to it like there is for calculating the age of cats or dogs in human years.
I have forgotten what it is though. Something like years x 7 -10 or something.
Ok just googled its like first 2 years are 15 years and then after each year you add on 4.
Maybe it's something like that for the difference in male and female humans. After all females mature faster than males but females live longer. Either way it seems unequal you probably never going to find a couple that are twins i.e born on the same day and year.
If you do let me know.
I have forgotten what it is though. Something like years x 7 -10 or something.
Ok just googled its like first 2 years are 15 years and then after each year you add on 4.
Maybe it's something like that for the difference in male and female humans. After all females mature faster than males but females live longer. Either way it seems unequal you probably never going to find a couple that are twins i.e born on the same day and year.
If you do let me know.
Ok for minimum age it's your age divided by 2 plus 7
maximum is in reverse i.e you age times 2 minus 7
Hope that helps, and you are good at maths, and nobody ever lies to you about their age....
maximum is in reverse i.e you age times 2 minus 7
Hope that helps, and you are good at maths, and nobody ever lies to you about their age....
Ultimately, scripture does not speak to the issue of age gap, so to infer something that does not exist would at least be bad doctrine. Each culture tends to have it's own laws that must be followed, and cultural norms that can be encouraged.
My thoughts simply are that as long as neither party to a marriage is prohibited by law from getting married (IE not of legal age), it shouldn't be an issue. Personally, a ten year age gap between an 18 year old and a 28 year old is very different than the same age gap between persons that are 5 or ten years older since maturity becomes less of an issue.
I am six years older than my wife
My sister is seven years older than my brother in law
Heck, if memory serves me right, my grandfather was 15 years older than my step-grandmother (he remarried in his early 60's after being widowered).
A formula that I've seen thrown around from time to time to calculate an "appropriate" age gap is half your age plus seven on the younger side, and your age minus seven times two on the older side. For a 26 year old it would look like this:
26 divided by 2=13 + 7 = 20 on the young side
26 - 7= 19x2=38 on the older side
ok I'm wrong Adam and Eve were born/created on the same day. Apparently they never had childhoods either. But after that they lived for 100s and 100s of years, and it was said that sons of God went to the daughters of men and they had wives of whoever they chose, so it didn't seem to matter their ages at all.
Until God put a stop to that and flooded everyone. After that He shortened the age span of a human to just 120 years.
The Hebrew/Jewish coming of age (this is going by the Old Testament ie the Bible) is 20 to enter the army. According to tradition, bar mitsvahs are when a boy becomes a man, the age of responsibility for your own sin is 13.
For a women they can have a baby any time after menarche which might have been the same age or so. There were laws of who you can and can't sleep with in Leviticus, usually to do with family roles - ie. you can't sleep with your mother, father, sister, brother, aunty or uncle. Or someone else's wife.
Nowadays The legal age of adult hood seems to be 18 in most places, though in some it can be as late as 21. Most people might have graduated from high school and tertiary education by the age of 24 when they can think seriously of relationships or settling down'. So it would seem any age after that - and if you both comfortable with each others age without being creeped out then I suppose it works. There was a couple in my old church that were 20 years apart. The older guy said going with a younger woman kept him young..but I know the younger woman was worried once they reached retirement age she was still going out to work while he was putting his feet up in retirement.
Sorry I gave you about 3 answers but then you asked quite a few questions in your OP!
Until God put a stop to that and flooded everyone. After that He shortened the age span of a human to just 120 years.
The Hebrew/Jewish coming of age (this is going by the Old Testament ie the Bible) is 20 to enter the army. According to tradition, bar mitsvahs are when a boy becomes a man, the age of responsibility for your own sin is 13.
For a women they can have a baby any time after menarche which might have been the same age or so. There were laws of who you can and can't sleep with in Leviticus, usually to do with family roles - ie. you can't sleep with your mother, father, sister, brother, aunty or uncle. Or someone else's wife.
Nowadays The legal age of adult hood seems to be 18 in most places, though in some it can be as late as 21. Most people might have graduated from high school and tertiary education by the age of 24 when they can think seriously of relationships or settling down'. So it would seem any age after that - and if you both comfortable with each others age without being creeped out then I suppose it works. There was a couple in my old church that were 20 years apart. The older guy said going with a younger woman kept him young..but I know the younger woman was worried once they reached retirement age she was still going out to work while he was putting his feet up in retirement.
Sorry I gave you about 3 answers but then you asked quite a few questions in your OP!
The biggest age gap that I can find confirmed as an example in the Bible is the match made in Heaven by the Lord Himself.
I find no command as to ages of marriage other than Paul's admonishing Corinth about fathers and their virgin daughters. I Corinthians 7
36But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry.
Since the flower is the sign of reproductive maturity in the plant kingdom, the analogy seems to be that it's not a sin for the father to give his adult daughter in marriage.
As to age gaps, you'll get strong opinions and imaginary mathematical formulas from people, but they are not given by God. Jesus rebukes the Pharisees for their man made commands very sternly, so I try to be careful about interjecting opinions not backed by clear Scripture.
As someone who led a singles ministry of 500 members, my experience shows that those middle aged do not like competition from the younger adults, so I've noticed some of them drive away younger competition and make man made taboos against things God never did. At the same time I have also seen the hypocrisy of many participating in things that God has been very clear about as forbidden since Genesis.
A. Fornication
B. Adultery and flirtations with those other than one's spouse
C. Marriage between the saved and the unbeliever
These are in large part ignored and not stressed by parents raising children as seen by the over 50% divorce rate. Too many Pastors usually drop the ball and ignore this too much to comply with cultural norms.
My focus is on what God stresses rather than what people care about. The world disagrees, but my Father knows best.
Now I have to dig up this old cartoon again....
Of course the real analysis is much more complex, but I can't stick around to discuss it because I have a date.
I heard a comic talking about that just a couple days ago in a youtube stand-up comedy bit.
"If a 20 year old girl is with a 55 year old guy, you know she's waiting to get his house. No 20 year old girl has ever looked at a homeless 55 year old guy and been like, aw he's so cute!"
"You need to both be around the same age so you can fall apart together. She can hear and I can see. Together we can watch this movie. Her right hip is bad and my left hip is bad. We lean against each other and we can make it. You see an elderly couple holding hands, that's for balance, not for love. Take them apart and they'd fall over."
Hi @Sunshine2026,
Great thread as always! Please forgive my characteristically long answer.
We've had this topic come up several times over the years, and as people are saying, what God thinks is the most important factor (and the Bible doesn't seem to have any set rules for age gaps.)
However, I do think that some honest and practical topics must be considered very carefully.
Many years ago, I had a chat with a girl on this site who was about 33, and she was telling me about a guy who was begging her to marry him who was around 20 years older. Tragically, his wife had died, and he told her he didn't ever want to be alone again, which was way he was looking for someone younger. He told her she could take out a life insurance policy on him -- he didn't care, just as long as he didn't have to be alone.
I knew of another couple where a man married a girl 17 years younger than him thinking the same thing; unfortunately, she became ill and he became her full-time caregiver before she passed away (bringing to pass the very thing he had feared.)
I think in most cases, an older person looking for someone that much younger is thinking this: "They're going to take care of me when I get old and I'll die first, so not only will I always have a permanent caretaker, but I'll never have to be alone -- it's a total win-win."
I understand this, and it's human to think that way. But I think a couple with an age gap has to have serious conversations about planning for their future. For instance -- if he's 15 year older, what happens to her and their children when he dies? Is it simply a matter of "Tough luck on you, I got to be the one to die first -- you'll just have to figure it out on your own!"?
And I'm not saying this as a means to promote any kind of gold-digging, but rather, some real, practical conversations about the uncertainty of life. We trust in God, but only He knows what will happen.
My parents are only 2 years apart, but my dad had a very stressful job. The thing he worried about most was keeling over with a heart attack and leaving my stay-at-home mom behind to raise a small family alone. Life insurance and providence for her (and us) if he were to die were a common conversation I heard them having. I once wrote a thread if anyone else had fathers/husbands who planned for their providence if/when they died early, and no one really answered.
And while of course I think this is important for any couple of any age, I think it's a crucial talking point for age-gapped couples, no matter how the ages are flipped.
I went through an unwanted divorce in my mid-20's and have been part of the dating scene now for nearly 25 years. Ironically, I now seem to attract guys who are usually about 15 years younger than I am.
Years ago, I was seeing a guy in that age range (roughly 15 years younger than me,) and he asked me to consider marriage.
I never had kids, so if someone that much younger wanted to be with me, he'd have to accept that I wouldn't be able to have kids with him. And it also had me thinking that for the first time in my life, I would need to buy a life insurance policy because my income would have had significance and I wouldn't want to leave him struggling. I know women typically live longer than men but 15 years is quite an age gap.
And although I'm in good health, I felt uncomfortable with the thought of saddling him with "an old lady." I wouldn't ever want to hold someone back from their best life because they had to take care of me. I know we can't control these things, but there are times I've felt I'd rather be alone than be a burden to anyone else.
At any rate, he wound up marrying someone right around his age, and I was happy to hear that. I honestly did not feel God was leading us toward marriage.
Would I consider marrying someone considerably younger, or older?
One of my biggest concerns would be asking God about a "fair" balance between us as a married couple. I know of some situations where a couple might have married when they were 20 and 40 and all seemed well. But when the younger spouse was 50 and the older spouse was 70, the younger became a full-time caretaker to the older and the dreams they had of travel, etc. were over -- even though the younger spouse could have very well gone.
I don't want to feel resentful of someone taking away my life, and I don't want someone to feel resentful of me for turning him into a caretaker.
Now of course, this could happen in ANY marriage -- a car accident could change things in a heartbeat. And of course I know it's impossible to keep any marriage "fair."
But what I mean is, I would ask God if both people were going into the marriage with balanced expectations and willingness to serve, or would one be expecting a lot more benefits than the other? (Or is it mutual use -- is the older to avoid being alone, and is the younger using the older for financial security?)
In other words -- is it real, servant-like love that's actually driving a want for marriage -- or is it mostly a list of benefits that one or each is hoping to get for him or herself?
From what I've personally witnessed, I don't think these issues get talked about nearly enough.
But that's just me.
I totally agree with the points that you raised. Age is more than just a number. If one marries someone much older or younger they probably will have nothing in common, and therefore not much to talk about. Large age gaps are definitely problematic.
Great topic. I am 54, if I am with one that is 64, he is about to retire, I still have over 10 more years to work. That is going to create some struggle.
Not to mention people in 50s and 60s, health conditions vary a lot. Some 50s can look a lot older if health in bad shape.
So 50s and 60s are very tricky time.
I heard a 45 marries a 55. But 10 years later, the younger one really feels the age gap. The older one just aging accelarately.
But it seems famous rich men all find women 30 years younger, like Brad Pitt.
Not to mention people in 50s and 60s, health conditions vary a lot. Some 50s can look a lot older if health in bad shape.
So 50s and 60s are very tricky time.
I heard a 45 marries a 55. But 10 years later, the younger one really feels the age gap. The older one just aging accelarately.
But it seems famous rich men all find women 30 years younger, like Brad Pitt.
In fairness, the old rich guy with the new much younger girlfriend is far more gossip worthy than the old rich guy staying married to the same woman for 40+ years. Apparently being one of the few couples who's still married long term doesn't make anyone want to ask what the secret to that is.
My parents were married for 50 years but were only 2 years apart. Dad older. But Mum definitely was the more mature one.
And Dad wasn't THAT rich. Back then a lot of people could actually afford to own a house.
The secret to that was my Dad never wanted to move anywhere else, once he had his house and wife, he stayed living in the same house with my mum.
And Dad wasn't THAT rich. Back then a lot of people could actually afford to own a house.
The secret to that was my Dad never wanted to move anywhere else, once he had his house and wife, he stayed living in the same house with my mum.
Same to all my family
. They probably moved a few places, but once marry to spouse, stay forever. The peace of home brings blessings.
This is not about a father giving away his daughter in marriage - it is about a betrothed husband and wife. In modern terms, it is saying that if a man and woman are engaged to be married - but, he "cannot wait" until the two of them are married - that he should "go ahead" with "answering" his "need" - and, they should "go ahead" and get married.
The key to properly understanding that verse is the word 'uncomely' - which, again in modern terms, is referring to a man "behaving inappropriately" towards his wife-to-be due to the extreme level of distraction breaking down his level of self-control.
In essence, "having to wait" is "driving him crazy" - and, the "need" to do something about it is "felt" to be required to be able to "think straight"... (that type of thing)
In essence, "having to wait" is "driving him crazy" - and, the "need" to do something about it is "felt" to be required to be able to "think straight"... (that type of thing)