Suicidal

Idk stressed. School is really difficult so just wasted time and money and effort when I fail. Like I spend hours and hours on projects and homework and I can't even get passing grades. So I was real tired today and drank a few cups of coffee and then threw that up because I can't take much caffeine apparently. I can drink a bunch of vodka and my stomach's fine, but I drink caffeine and feel sick. I'm just tired though. Like I think religiously I am as slow as I am with my school. Like it takes me hours and hours just to get a few points on hw, like hours and hours and hours. I feel like I am the same way with understanding religious stuff, and people I ask for help think I am not getting anywhere even though in my mind I can think of how I've improved on things but in their mind I haven't improved so then they just stop talking to me. That ends making me really depressed and then spending hours and hours and hours, like hours and hours and hours and hours, trying to understand that and fix the situation. Which never happens. So idk I'm stressed.

Sounds to me like you're trying real hard to live up to other's expectations... Trust me, that will never make you happy! And self medicating with alcohol only makes problems feel worse when you sober up! What are you good at? Everyone has a gift, what's yours?

I'm not really good at a whole lot. I'm good at physical labor for work and stuff.

Are you sure? You can talk to me. I do understand

You should surrender your self to a psychiatric observation for at least 72 hours, see a doctor and get some help before the damage you do to your self becomes irreversible. Do you think God approves of the way you are treating yourself? Face it healthy people don't do that to themselves. Get some help God loves you! There should be less shame for a sick person seeking help than hurting themselves. Please stop hurting yourself. There is help available for the asking. Just humble yourself and admit you can't do it alone. I'd take you myself if I had a car and you were nearby. I'll say it again God loves you and he certainly dosn't want you to hurt your self. In the name of Jesus, PLEASE GET HELP!

There's too much other stuff that it would cause problems with and make me more depressed and stressed.

Jesus told us how to pray. Have you tried praying that way? If you go to meetings and feel uncomfortable, you are not alone. I have been going to meetings for thirty yeas now and I still sometimes feel uncomfortable and often do not know what to say, when called upon to share. If you are called upon to share, and have nothing to say, simply tell the group you are there to listen, or, that you are not used to groups, feel uncomfortable, and don't know what to say. Still, you should let others know how badly you are hurting yourself with cutting, and how much you need help with your inability to deal with life on life's terms. We begin by asking for help.

PS~ my life has improved immeasurably with the help I have found.

Do you tell yourself those things before you cut yourself?

There's too much other stuff that it would cause problems with and make me more depressed and stressed.

No it doesn't really make me more depressed.

I once burnt a hole in my left forearm with a cigarette, repeatedly ripping off the blister to burn my arm some more. I was high on peyote at the time, and could not feel a thing. I found it interesting not to feel anything... and it was something that the main character in a book I had just read had done. One of my younger sisters came into the kitchen and asked what was burning. I guess she never told our mother, because I lied about how I got the burn when it came to light that I was in need of medical care. Lying is stressful. Knowing I risked doing such harm to myself is depressing. Your lack of concern for your own physical well being is a huge red flag

PS~ I never did it again, but I continued to drink and drug...

I used to feel like you do, I didn't cut myself I just preferred to look death in the face while driving or riding motorcycles at ridiculous speeds, often while high or drunk.

There's a string here where people who used to feel like us come to share experience, strength and faith. It's called CRA on the miscellaneous thread. It's for those of us with misc. and or multiple disorders including emotional, substance abuse, suicidal tendencies... you'll be among friends. But the choice is yours whether or not to get real with yourself or comfortably(?) continue to suffer. It may be your last call.

I once burnt a hole in my left forearm with a cigarette, repeatedly ripping off the blister to burn my arm some more. I was high on peyote at the time, and could not feel a thing. I found it interesting not to feel anything... and it was something that the main character in a book I had just read had done. One of my younger sisters came into the kitchen and asked what was burning. I guess she never told our mother, because I lied about how I got the burn when it came to light that I was in need of medical care. Lying is stressful. Knowing I risked doing such harm to myself is depressing. Your lack of concern for your own physical well being is a huge red flag

PS~ I never did it again, but I continued to drink and drug... for twenty three more years

I have posted some of that to you in other threads of yours...

I don’t drive drunk or under the influence of anything. I never ever ever do that. I only drink if I know I’m not going to drive.

Drinking isn't the issue. Self destructive behavior is. I never hurt anyone else in an accident but I've hurt myself plenty of times. And indirectly I've hurt my family. I wasn't afraid of dying I thought the peace and silence of the grave would be an improvement over the agony of life. My family paid a higher price than I did.

I don’t understand why laughing.

BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE POINT. In recovery we learn to laugh at our foolishness. We are neither glum nor angry we are sad when it's time to be sad but happy most of the time. It's up to you, if you want to share in private my PM mail box is open to all paid members. The only reason for that restriction is to keep spammers and trolls away.