A Challenge to All Singles. (Why Are We So Eager to Get Married?)

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Seems to me no marriage is peachy keen... 'cause no one has yet to post on a marriage that is running smoothly :-/ This is really interesting though.. and hope some people will give examples at some point! :)
 
The pressure to get married is huge in Christian circles. In my family (for me anyway) its the opposite. For me its not the getting married thing its the having children thing. I want both but I dont want to leave it late either
 
Eager to get married?? Well.....

In my late teens - early 20s that was the furtherest thing from my mind...
In my late 20s it was beginning to enter my head the more Wedding invitations I received....
In my 30th year I had a little crisis, cos the Wedding invites were drying up and becoming baby shower invitations....
In my mid 30s now....I am more than ready....I feel pressure ALL round me for being this old and remaining single but there are seriously no potentials anywhere near me. I am sick of getting the 'Joy, your biological clock is ticking' - well duh!! Do you think I DONT know that?

So am I 'eager' to get married? Yes, cos I do have the desire to be....hopefully......one day....when he decides to hurry up and show his face to me!!! (getting impatient now - LOL)
 
Joy you should check out bondi junction. thats where all the NZ guys hang out. millions of em. im pretty sure they swim here.
 
seoulsearch said:
Right... marriage is not intended to be so many ways that, unfortunately, people find themselves in today.

Henceforth, the reason why I posted this thread: I would like for people to share their stories of people who are actually living in marriages the way it was intended. And if not, what have you learned that you plan to apply in your own marriage someday?

.
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Hey, I think there are some good marriages. If you want to find people who are in good marriages I suggest you post this in a different room (Christian family/married forum) because if you post it in here, you will most probably only get replies from single people lol (hence "Christian single forum").

So post it elsewhere and you'll probably find people who are in "good" marriages :).
And although I was skeptical at times it is possible to be in a good marriage if:

1). The person you're with is the person God provided for you.
2). You operated on God's time and not yours.
3). You've managed to be truly happy single and know who you are before you've embarked on a relationship.
4). You both are willing to work on your marriage (people are disillusioned thinking no work is needed since it was so easy to fall in love, minimum work was required, but in the long run people need to work on maintaining their relationship especially after children as they no longer have that much time to themselves).
5). Praying together is really good for married couples, and making God their foundation (fully).

So it's possible, my parents have been married for 25years. Marriages can be good, but when one thinks their life is aimed towards marriage, or that's what they need to be happy, thats when they end up in unhappy marriages. Striving for perfection. Don't be disillusioned by the media, one of the major reasons there's so much trouble and disappointment in relationships.

But again post in another forum, probably with married people and you'll hopefully find what you're looking for :).
 
Kadangel said:
Hey, I think there are some good marriages. If you want to find people who are in good marriages I suggest you post this in a different room (Christian family/married forum) because if you post it in here, you will most probably only get replies from single people lol (hence "Christian single forum").

So post it elsewhere and you'll probably find people who are in "good" marriages :).
And although I was skeptical at times it is possible to be in a good marriage if:

1). The person you're with is the person God provided for you.
2). You operated on God's time and not yours.
3). You've managed to be truly happy single and know who you are before you've embarked on a relationship.
4). You both are willing to work on your marriage (people are disillusioned thinking no work is needed since it was so easy to fall in love, minimum work was required, but in the long run people need to work on maintaining their relationship especially after children as they no longer have that much time to themselves).
5). Praying together is really good for married couples, and making God their foundation (fully).

So it's possible, my parents have been married for 25years. Marriages can be good, but when one thinks their life is aimed towards marriage, or that's what they need to be happy, thats when they end up in unhappy marriages. Striving for perfection. Don't be disillusioned by the media, one of the major reasons there's so much trouble and disappointment in relationships.

But again post in another forum, probably with married people and you'll hopefully find what you're looking for :).
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Hi Kadangel,

Welcome to Christian Chat! I hope you have a good experience here.

If you read my very first post in this thread, you'll see why I posted this in the Singles Forum--it was a challenge to all singles who want so much to get married to talk to their married friends, come back here, and report some specific examples of people we actually know and are about our ages who are in the happy marriages we all dream of.

That's why I put this thread here. I've thought of writing it in the Family Forum as well just to see what kind of responses we'd get, but I didn't want for us singles to start invading the Family Forum too much. :) We shall see. My basic point is: we all seem like we're in a rush to get married--but is it really the happy fantasy we dream it to be? I think part of preparing for marriage means taking an honest look at the realities of everyday life. When people expect fantasy to become their reality, it becomes a major reason as to why so many marriages fail.

So far there has been some general talk of happy couples but no one has said specifically, "I talked to my friends X and Y and they are about my age and in the happy marriage I dream of."

Some have made mention of a few happy couples they know but no specifics... some have made mention of older, retired couples... which makes it feel like... oh great, so all I have to do to be happily married is wait it out another 40 years until the both of us can retire... I was hoping for examples of good marriages in our age category.

And yes, I know they do exist. My family has a long history of long, happy marriages (examples: 64 and 43 years... my grandparents and parents). I am the only one who is divorced in my family, and in my case, my spouse decided to leave.

My younger brothers are also very happily married, one for about 11 years. They all have their problems, of course, but for the most part, are happy.

I hope that someday, God has that for me as well. But in the meantime, I am learning to enjoy my FREEDOM!!
 
Aww ok good good.
And yea I agree I do think singles are eager, I think there's like a distorted view of marriage.

Ok enjoy it :)
 
of course the media throws sex in our face and the message is that you are unfulfilled unless you are not sexually active
 
Most of my unsaved friends that are married tell me "Never get married! Your life will be over.". Many of my saved friends that are married don't say just that, however they all but imply it (sadly). But, one Catholic friend speaks nothing ill of his wife, and only says nice things about her. Watching them together is like watching a Norman Rockwell painting. The only thing close to a bad thing I've heard him say about his wife is, "she spilled coffee on the laptop and now it's screwed up.". I have commended him on loving his wife the way every man should. I never have, nor ever will, ask about his sex life. But I can assume that however it is, his marriage isn't being harmed.
Now, my friend's marriage is a good thing, but if the unsaved can be like that, relying on human ability alone, why aren't more Christians like that?

PS, a Christian friend and myself hang out with this couple alot, they aren't far from getting saved.
 
Wug said:
Most of my unsaved friends that are married tell me "Never get married! Your life will be over.". Many of my saved friends that are married don't say just that, however they all but imply it (sadly). But, one Catholic friend speaks nothing ill of his wife, and only says nice things about her. Watching them together is like watching a Norman Rockwell painting. The only thing close to a bad thing I've heard him say about his wife is, "she spilled coffee on the laptop and now it's screwed up.". I have commended him on loving his wife the way every man should. I never have, nor ever will, ask about his sex life. But I can assume that however it is, his marriage isn't being harmed.
Now, my friend's marriage is a good thing, but if the unsaved can be like that, relying on human ability alone, why aren't more Christians like that?

PS, a Christian friend and myself hang out with this couple alot, they aren't far from getting saved.
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Thank you for this post, Wug, and I do agree with you in that I know some people who seem more happily married than many Christians... But your post did make me smile, thank you for that.

I can relate in that I know an unsaved couple and even though they are divorcing, I have never heard the husband speak anything bad about his wife, even through all their problems (and he's not the type of person to hold anything back when he feels strongly about an issue.) I have, however, heard the wife and her entire family bash him on many occasions, for any and every reason, henceforth a few of the issues leading to their divorce.

I have told him many times that I highly respect him for this.

And I was not implying in any way that anyone has to ask about someone else's sex life to answer this thread--I was just in a unique position of speaking with someone I have a long, very comfortable history with in which we can talk about even those kinds of issues.
 
It seems to me that many people here have an idealized view of marriage. Very easy to talk theory, quote scripture and discuss principles that side of the marriage altar. On this side (I'm married and was just checking out this forum), it's a very different story, believe me. It is very, very, very hard work. You WILL have problems. You WILL have significant rough patches. If you both work hard and have a reasonably compatible partner, and aren't too dysfunctional (we all are at some level), you will quite possibly be happy.

This might be negative or cynical or whatever, and I'm sure there'll be replies quoting more scripture, telling me to have faith or whatever, this is my experience, and that of plenty of my married friends, Christian or non Christian. Yes there are exceptions. Just don't expect you'll be one of them without a LOT of work.
 
i long to get marry to explore marriage life,i know a lot of friends struggling and separated from their spouse.and even divorce with christian couples are rampant.so im curious if i myself can overcome obstacles or storms in a marriage life.i know that we women cannot tolerate third party,we choose to give up rather than suffer emotionally and that's me actually but marriage is different because you make a vow before GOD.so perseverance needed.
I have a friend who is christian married to non believer.her husband use to have woman in his workplace which is really so pain.during her 3rd trimester of pregnancy,he used her even she resists because of her big tummy and she said pain but the hubby is selfish.there was a time my friend attempt to suicide but thanks GOD for HIS constant reminder.so she just thought of their kids,tolerate her husband wrongdoing(mistress),continue pray for him.so far she's fine now,the husband stop his foolishness and now attended church sometimes.
so im wondering how i can tackle my marriage in times of turmoil.
 
While I'm rather sceptical of any marriage being good simply because we are by nature selfish creatures, I have concluded 2 things in my reading and observation of various peoples marriages.

1. Marriage is hard work. For it to work you have to put in a lot of effort to make the relationship part of a marriage function. Otherwise the whole thing implodes when one or both partners start looking elsewhere for that aspect of the marriage. (Having an affair either emotional or physical) And all it takes is for one partner to not put in the work for the whole thing to explode.

2. Love isn't a feeling, its a choice, a decision made every morning and every moment you are awake. You choose to love the other person. You choose to put them ahead of yourself.

Maybe I'm just naive, but those are my conclusions about marriage.

Yes I know its not an example SS. sorry
 
Pheonix said:
While I'm rather sceptical of any marriage being good simply because we are by nature selfish creatures, I have concluded 2 things in my reading and observation of various peoples marriages.

1. Marriage is hard work. For it to work you have to put in a lot of effort to make the relationship part of a marriage function. Otherwise the whole thing implodes when one or both partners start looking elsewhere for that aspect of the marriage. (Having an affair either emotional or physical) And all it takes is for one partner to not put in the work for the whole thing to explode.

2. Love isn't a feeling, its a choice, a decision made every morning and every moment you are awake. You choose to love the other person. You choose to put them ahead of yourself.

Maybe I'm just naive, but those are my conclusions about marriage.

Yes I know its not an example SS. sorry
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*laughs*

Observations, especially good ones, are perfectly allowable here, Pheonix. ;)
 
seoulsearch said:
My question to you is this: what is your view of how you want your marriage to be someday? Hearts and roses and long walks on the beach and flowers and spontaneous romantic interludes at any given moment?
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I don't have one myself, one thing I have had affirmed through both experience and observation is that expectation is a real destroyer, have a list of expectations for a person you will be let down because that list will always lean toward perfection, human nature.

The same with marriage, tell yourself you want it to be this way and that way you'll be dissapointed when it isn't and the marriage will suffer, I think a sign of really being ready for marriage is letting go of expectations and being ready for a wild ride that'll take you places you wouldn't have ever chosen to go.
 
Interesting question, Kim (where do you come up with all of these ideas?! Maybe you should write a book...). I certainly do not have any romanticized ideas about marriage. Over half end in divorce, and the statistics for second and third marriages are even worse. It does seem like, in many instances, that there is a communication gap between genders, misunderstandings, and life can get in the way of spending time with one another. So, as you asked, why do I want to get married? Several reasons, though probably none of them earth-shattering. The biggest reason for me is because I want to share my life with someone. There are ups and downs in life, things that go right and things that go wrong, but life is better when you have someone to share those moments with. I would also like to have children one day, as I have always been drawn to being a mother. This hasn't made much sense to me, but the desire is there and I do love children. Yes, I could adopt, but children do much better in a home with a mother and a father (I realize this isn't always possible), and again there are precious moments as you watch your children grow, but it's better to have someone to share those moments with.

I want to marry someone who loves Christ with all of his heart, and who will challenge me in my faith. Also, and this may sound strange as I'm finding a difficult time to verbalize what I'm thinking here, but as a woman I feel as though I am more...vulnerable, both emotionally and physically. It would be comforting to have someone who cares about me, who I can count on to protect me and take care of me, just as there are ways (albeit different ways) in which I would protect and care for him.

Is married life easy? No, of course not. But there are some wonderful things that come along with being married. For me, I have prayed about it for many years, and I have never felt God lead me in a different direction. I have never had career aspirations, never had a desire to pursue any career dreams. But I have always had a desire to have a family, and I have had God work on my heart to make decisions in how I would care for a family, such as speaking to my heart about homeschooling and making the decision to homeschool if I do, in fact, have a family. I am in no hurry, and I know that God's timing is perfect, so I am not impatiently waiting and becoming frustrated. For all I know, Jesus could return before it ever becomes a reality. I do know, however, that spending my life single, and coming home to an empty house every night not only has no appeal for me, but makes me sad to even consider. Some people love the idea of living by themselves and only being responsible for themselves. But I love the idea of having a family to care for, in spite of the hard times and the challenges that come along with it.

I'm sure I can get picky and come up with many more insignificant reasons why I'd enjoy being married, but there's not much point in that. These are the major reasons. :)

Now, as for my view of how I want my marriage to be is simple. Sure, flowers are nice, and spontaneous gestures keep things interesting. But, I want my husband to be my best friend. I want to be married to a man who knows the value of hard work, regardless of what his profession is. I want to be married to someone who is unashamed of God and lives his life for Him. I want to be married to someone who will value me for the person I am, not how well I measure up to some conjured fantasy. I want someone who will do their best to be understanding of my imperfections, as I will do my best to be understanding of theirs. I want to be married to a man who shows his love, whether that's by buying flowers, or fixing the garbage disposal.

I do not know many couples that I talk to on a regular basis, but I am friends with two couples, and they both have the kind of marriage I described above. Both couples have Christ at the center of their marriage, and both are best friends with their spouse. In fact, one told me that the key is becoming best friends, because it's that friendship that gets you through the rough spots when you're not too happy with one another and that "in love" feeling just isn't there. They say that "in love" feeling doesn't last but a couple of years. Besides, love is a verb, not a feeling. Love is something you do, something you show - not something you "feel" (which is vague at best, anyway).

Those are my thoughts, anyway.
 
I am neither eager nor am I making any marriage plans. Why? I have heard so many sob stories of people I know who are in relationships where they are not happy or they have gotten out of marriage through divorce. It makes me very sad for them because they aren't happy with themselves especially if some of those people are people who are friends or relatives. :(

I had a conversation with my married sister and she said to me that she doesn't have time to do any thing alone like even reading the bible because her husband or children want something from her. When you are married you have no time to yourself and when you are single you have a lot of free time. So either way you either gain time or you lose it.
 
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