Abuse in a Marriage Grounds for Divorce?

[Locoponydirtman]

We need to be careful what we tell people that they have to stay in, because of legalistic views.

I'm pretty sure you best high tail it if you find your spouse is a serial killer or a terrorist, or a child abuser, or violent toward you. Probably get law enforcement involved as well.

 

[Lanolin]

Kayla do you know what type of medications is this man on.
That sounds really bad that his father abused his mother...he learned from his parents.
Now the cycle seems carrying on with her sons...on medication.

If its some type of mental illness one could get him into rehab or an asylum. I dont know if there are christian ones but he needs deliverance not just medication. And this type of behaviour may be more than simple mental illness it might be pathological. Like narcissim. Since your sister was deceived...he was all nice at first and then turned on her once they got married. She might be staying with him cos she 'feels sorry' for him...classic stockholm syndrome.

I have dealt with narcissitic people and borderline personalities and addicts and God has delivered me from each one. They havent changed but God has given me wisdom to recognise it.

In terms of divorce, I'm not sure about that but separation would be a good idea in this case. And lots of prayer. If hes said for her to leave then it would be ok for her to leave or of hes said he wants to leave then let him go. And dont hesitate to call the police to get a restraining order.

I think if it comes to divorce the courts rule that the parties are not allowed to contact each other or set foot on each others property, divorce also means that they are free to marry someone else, the worst thing would be if they did get divorced, maybe your sister wouldnt remarry but her husband might remarry and then start abusing his second wife. And then maybe he would have a second family etc and her sons wont inherit and its all rather complicated. I think in those cases thats why divorce isnt seen as much option when children are involved.

But separation yes. Separate and pray.

 

[Lanolin]

Apaprently if one is separated for more than 2 years with no contact that would be abandonment and the courts would rule its ok to divorce...if either party wanted to remarry. Why God doesnt like divorce well its because peoples hearts are hard. The ex, even though they are still alive, will be treated as if they dont exist or are dead.

I know many women who have exes, and they dont even say their names. Its that bad. But the abuse would have been so horrible its as if they had died, or needed to get out before they killed each other. With this one, since the husband has threatened suicide, thats seriously abusive.

Sadly though since your sister chose to be with this man and have children with him she has to reap the consequences even if deciding to leave him theres no easy answer. She needs to go to God about it.

 

[kaylagrl]

Kayla do you know what type of medications is this man on.
That sounds really bad that his father abused his mother...he learned from his parents.
Now the cycle seems carrying on with her sons...on medication.

If its some type of mental illness one could get him into rehab or an asylum. I dont know if there are christian ones but he needs deliverance not just medication. And this type of behaviour may be more than simple mental illness it might be pathological. Like narcissim. Since your sister was deceived...he was all nice at first and then turned on her once they got married. She might be staying with him cos she 'feels sorry' for him...classic stockholm syndrome.

I have dealt with narcissitic people and borderline personalities and addicts and God has delivered me from each one. They havent changed but God has given me wisdom to recognise it.

In terms of divorce, I'm not sure about that but separation would be a good idea in this case. And lots of prayer. If hes said for her to leave then it would be ok for her to leave or of hes said he wants to leave then let him go. And dont hesitate to call the police to get a restraining order.

I think if it comes to divorce the courts rule that the parties are not allowed to contact each other or set foot on each others property, divorce also means that they are free to marry someone else, the worst thing would be if they did get divorced, maybe your sister wouldnt remarry but her husband might remarry and then start abusing his second wife. And then maybe he would have a second family etc and her sons wont inherit and its all rather complicated. I think in those cases thats why divorce isnt seen as much option when children are involved.

But separation yes. Separate and pray.

I don't know what medication he is on. The doctor simply said he has no self control and wasn't disciplined as a child and put him on meds. He has been married twice before,to the same woman and has a child with her,before he became a "Christian". Apparently he had the same temper with his first wife,which was discovered too late. I doubt he would marry again either,but he seems to need a woman to do everything for him.

 

[Dino246]

So now I'm going to throw a wrench into this whole thread. Are we as the church condoning abuse with some of our teachings and not knowing it? When we say a husband is the head of the home and the woman is to submit are we sending wrong messages to men? Should we be more clear as to what being the head of the home means and what submission means. ... Interesting to hear your responses.

Yes... definitely. "Head of the home" is badly misunderstood by many. We won't all agree on what it means exactly, but it certainly doesn't mean "authority to inflict physical or emotional harm in the name of 'godly order in the home'".

Husbands (men, generally) should never be taught that wives should be in submission to them. That's simply dangerous (and I can hear the bleating of those who won't read the rest of my paragraph). Humans are fallen creatures driven by selfishness, and we will naturally take any opportunity to lord it over those around us. All the better if that "opportunity" is the word of God. Instead, men should be taught to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. The "submit" part is mutual: to one another out of reverence for Christ; wives, to your husbands. Further, submission doesn't mean "be a doormat".

 

[Lanolin]

I don't know what medication he is on. The doctor simply said he has no self control and wasn't disciplined as a child and put him on meds. He has been married twice before,to the same woman and has a child with her,before he became a "Christian". Apparently he had the same temper with his first wife,which was discovered too late. I doubt he would marry again either,but he seems to need a woman to do everything for him.

Eek he seriously needs God to discipline him. How did he become a christian? Was it just he joined a church.
Some women can actually deal with hot-heads, but many just become targets for abuse.
Hes been married twice before?! Red flag...! Your sister, how old was she when she married? And why???

Would he go to something like promise keepers. I dont know what other christian mens groups are around. He needs to learn how to love his wife. Or wives. Arrgh.

 

[kaylagrl]

Yes... definitely. "Head of the home" is badly misunderstood by many. We won't all agree on what it means exactly, but it certainly doesn't mean "authority to inflict physical or emotional harm in the name of 'godly order in the home'".

Husbands (men, generally) should never be taught that wives should be in submission to them. That's simply dangerous (and I can hear the bleating of those who won't read the rest of my paragraph). Humans are fallen creatures driven by selfishness, and we will naturally take any opportunity to lord it over those around us. All the better if that "opportunity" is the word of God. Instead, men should be taught to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. The "submit" part is mutual: to one another out of reverence for Christ; wives, to your husbands. Further, submission doesn't mean "be a doormat".

Well, I appreciate your answer. Very direct and I would agree with that. I think abuse has happened in the church because these things are being taught incorrectly. It is a great pity because the church is that last place that abuse should be found. Such a bad representation of Christ.

 

[Lanolin]

One of the Fruits of the holy spirit is self- control...we are told we shall know them by their fruits, of who is of God and who isnt...God does warn about being unequally yoked and that we shouldnt partake or have fellowship with darkness.
So you sister needs to make a decision. I guess you can best advise her do what God is telling her to do. Put Him first.

 

[kaylagrl]

Eek he seriously needs God to discipline him. How did he become a christian? Was it just he joined a church.
Some women can actually deal with hot-heads, but many just become targets for abuse.
Hes been married twice before?! Red flag...! Your sister, how old was she when she married? And why???

Would he go to something like promise keepers. I dont know what other christian mens groups are around. He needs to learn how to love his wife. Or wives. Arrgh.

He was in the Navy, he was an alcoholic and one of the men he shared a room with witnessed to him and he became saved. I'm not sure that he is not saved,I think he doesn't believe what he is doing is wrong. He grew up with it, he is very close to his father. My sister was quite young when she married him. My advice to her was not to marry but to go to counseling first when she told me he had been married and had a child. I told her to be very cautious. But at that point she was head over heels in love. Still his temper wasn't revealed until after she married.

 

[Lanolin]

Is he still abusing alcohol? Or is he like a 'dry drunk' doesnt drink but maybe uses another substance instead.

If shes stayed for him 17 years there must be a reason. If he behaved like that after the first year I would have not stood for it if it was me. How weird it is that some men are all nice when they dating and instant they get married they turn into beasts.

 

[Lanolin]

The thing is when people become saved they also need to be delivered so the holy spirit can operate its no good casting out demons and then not being filled with the spirit becuase without the spirit, seven demons more worse than the first will come take up residence.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

He was in the Navy, he was an alcoholic and one of the men he shared a room with witnessed to him and he became saved. I'm not sure that he is not saved,I think he doesn't believe what he is doing is wrong. He grew up with it, he is very close to his father. My sister was quite young when she married him. My advice to her was not to marry but to go to counseling first when she told me he had been married and had a child. I told her to be very cautious. But at that point she was head over heels in love. Still his temper wasn't revealed until after she married.

That's the problem with our concept of " in love" we get emotions and the feels for some one or thing and don't think.

 

[Lanolin]

Another thing is when we do get saved the holy spirit convicts us of sin, whatever we had been doing thats wrong. My guess is that this man never received the holy spirit. Was he baptised?
Some people can hear someone witness to them, agree with what they say and then think they become a christian just cos they agree. Theres a bit more to it than that.

 

[kaylagrl]

Is he still abusing alcohol? Or is he like a 'dry drunk' doesnt drink but maybe uses another substance instead.

If shes stayed for him 17 years there must be a reason. If he behaved like that after the first year I would have not stood for it if it was me. How weird it is that some men are all nice when they dating and instant they get married they turn into beasts.

As far as I know he is clean other than taking meds for his temper. My sister says she still loves him and he's a good father. For a small period time when he first went on medication they had peace. The problem with these meds is you hit a level and they have to increase the dose. He takes it for a while then stops. Seems his temper is worse when he does this.

 

[eternally-gratefull]

As far as I know he is clean other than taking meds for his temper. My sister says she still loves him and he's a good father. For a small period time when he first went on medication they had peace. The problem with these meds is you hit a level and they have to increase the dose. He takes it for a while then stops. Seems his temper is worse when he does this.

Sometimes meds just take away our edge, and this seems to help

I would not trust meds,, It is a personal issue, between the man and God that needs resolved.

 

[kaylagrl]

Another thing is when we do get saved the holy spirit convicts us of sin, whatever we had been doing thats wrong. My guess is that this man never received the holy spirit. Was he baptised?
Some people can hear someone witness to them, agree with what they say and then think they become a christian just cos they agree. Theres a bit more to it than that.

Yes, he was baptized. He's Pentecostal, independent, but grew up under the holiness Pentecostals. So he was filled with the spirit also. Whatever people feel about Pentecostals I'm just saying he was saved,baptized and filled.


p.s Please don't drag this into a thread on baptism in the HS folks. There are other threads for that.

 

[TheLearner]

Ok so I'm going to challenge what you've posted with a real life scenario. My sister has been married 17yrs. She is a Christian,her husband is a Christian. Her husband has been on the board of the church and head of the youth. Early in the marriage they began having issues. She tried to hide it but it got so bad she had to tell someone. Her husband has a violent temper. He has beaten holes in the walls, broken windows in their vehicles, broken endless phones and computers. He has cursed her, he has demeaned her in front of the children. He has threatened to commit suicide twice. They have been to pastors and Christian counselors,no change. He threw her clothes out on the front lawn and cursed her. She has done everything possible to cope with this marriage. Her children are suffering with emotional issues and have had to go on medication.

So my question to you is what would you council her to do? Do you believe God would have her and her children stay in that marriage? Her husband is unwilling to change. Should she stay and suffer?

My advice, run to a safe place and get help getting as far away as you can.

 

[TheLearner]

I answered it according to the Bible. If your parents decide to accept the rapists money you can marry who you rape. It doesn’t get any more clear than that. Sexual abuse is grounds to marry, not divorce.

Did your parents arrange a marriage for you?

Where in the Bible is there an example of a woman being forced to marry her rapist?

 

[TheLearner]

deut 22:28. It means what it says. If a man sleeps with or forces a virgin to sleep with him then it’s up to the father whether he gives his daughter in marriage or not but the man must pay 50 shekels of silver regardless.

Most fathers wouldn’t but it’s there. Things are different now. Customs are different. Women had no authority. That’s why we are not under the law. It doesn’t apply. We are under the Spirit. The “law” is written on our hearts. I wouldn’t think of abusing anyone. The New Testament isn’t Law. It’s mostly Paul explaining what is written on his heart. Every Christian who loves God and follows Christ knows right from wrong, and what to do, out of love. It’s why I never divorced. It would be easy for me but destroy my family as a whole and individuals. Abuse or not I chose love.

Deuteronomy 22:28-29 “If a man meets a virgin who is not betrothed, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are found, then the man who lay with her shall give to the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he has violated her. He may not divorce her all his days."

Exodus 22:16-17 “If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride price for her and make her his wife. If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money equal to the bride price for virgins."

 

[TheLearner]

Basically, I agree with you. However, I'd add that slamming doors and throwing plates, while not directly abusive, is violent (probably engendering fear), and violence is a major warning sign. If I saw that level of violence in a marriage, I'd strongly recommend counseling, because it will escalate without intervention and repentance. It's a frighteningly small step from throwing a plate at a wall to throwing a punch at the perceived cause of one's distress.

By the way, if the plate is thrown at the spouse (even if it misses), that is abuse.

Galatians 5:23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

2 Peter 1:6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;