Admitted Feelings=Lost Salvation

[OBASBTO]

Well first off, you did according to your conscience, you also thought about this person's well being. So there is no true reason to beat yourself up. In fact there's never a good reason for that, God is interested only in fruitful things like change of our behavior, and He has no profit if we keep torturing ourselves. But can you change your behavior? Probably not, because you acted according to your conviction. What you're speaking now sounds to me more like the enemy introducing doubt to trouble you, but you will know best to judge it.

We are not God and it's impossible for us to know everything, other peoples' souls, how will others react to us, or the future. It is not realistic to put that burden upon ourselves. It is enough to do according to one's conscience. You did not ruin any thing, if God set His mind on this person to come to Him the Spirit will draw her. If you're meant to be dating in the future you will be dating. There is no guilt to be had, you did what you genuinely believed was right to do, actually you are so concerned with it that you're second guessing yourself now. Beating yourself up when you did your best is not what God would want for you. Maybe embracing grace and peace will help you gain more clarity in the situation. It is hard to think or see things clearly when burdened with guilt or doubts. Where to go from here? Reject guilt and doubt. Jmo

Considering that the deed has already been done, this may be the way to go.

 

[SoulWeaver]

I’m expressing that I feel like now that I’ve both confessed my feelings but also tried to explain why I can’t date an unbeliever, I’ve made a mistake and now I’m scared that I’ve given Christianity a bad taste in their mouth.

If ultimately she chooses to love others like herself, even if this upset her now, she will ultimately understand and honor your choice. Maybe not today, but in the future. Or she might choose to hold a grudge. Unless you did something evil intentionally, which you didn't, this remains only her personal responsibility. People face a lot worse things than their crush saying "I'm sorry I like you but can't date you" and their eternal life still ultimately depends upon choosing the light. You don't lose salvation, or lose % chance for salvation because other treated you badly (not saying you did).

In fact, and I know this will seem unlikely to you, but believe me, this might be helpful for her. These events when we're reminded of God being out there and to pay attention to Him, ripen in people, sometimes this happens very slowly over the years, she may not even be fully aware until she reaches that boiling point to really seek God and convert. "Being open to try out Christianity" doesn't cut it, sounds sharp but I'm saying because I've been there, this is religious outer practicing of something you don't have inwardly, which is anything but what Christianity is about. I did that as a teenager because I had a few good Christian friends and loved the peace and faith they had. See - all positive influence can't be better - but inwardly I remained agnostic for the time being. There was no faith. It didn't work.

You can't "try out Christianity" it's not like other religions which you can try out. If there is no faith, it cannot stand, this is how people appear to "fall off from faith". They didn't fall off but it's people trying out Christianity for whatever benefit, yet no faith and not actually on board to begin with (born again). You need to want the light as hard as you want to breathe air, then you find it, don't take her words so seriously... God does not come second to anyone, when He becomes the chief need, then He appears and will never not accept such a person. How intense and important is God to you in your life? Yes? Then you understand exactly... All my encounters with Christians before that, either positive or negative, had some role in reminding me of God, God called out to me through them in some way. Seriously, discard these thoughts, you did your best, and embrace hope for the best, God works out all things for good for those who love Him. I wrote this because I wanted you to feel a little better. And here's some coffee. Good morning.

 

[SoulWeaver]

If ultimately she chooses to love others like herself, even if this upset her now, she will ultimately understand and honor your choice. Maybe not today, but in the future. Or she might choose to hold a grudge. Unless you did something evil intentionally, which you didn't, this remains only her personal responsibility. People face a lot worse things than their crush saying "I'm sorry I like you but can't date you" and their eternal life still ultimately depends upon choosing the light. You don't lose salvation, or lose % chance for salvation because other treated you badly (not saying you did).

In fact, and I know this will seem unlikely to you, but believe me, this might be helpful for her. These events when we're reminded of God being out there and to pay attention to Him, ripen in people, sometimes this happens very slowly over the years, she may not even be fully aware until she reaches that boiling point to really seek God and convert. "Being open to try out Christianity" doesn't cut it, sounds sharp but I'm saying because I've been there, this is religious outer practicing of something you don't have inwardly, which is anything but what Christianity is about. I did that as a teenager because I had a few good Christian friends and loved the peace and faith they had. See - all positive influence can't be better - but inwardly I remained agnostic for the time being. There was no faith. It didn't work.

You can't "try out Christianity" it's not like other religions which you can try out. If there is no faith, it cannot stand, this is how people appear to "fall off from faith". They didn't fall off but it's people trying out Christianity for whatever benefit, yet no faith and not actually on board to begin with (born again). You need to want the light as hard as you want to breathe air, then you find it, don't take her words so seriously... God does not come second to anyone, when He becomes the chief need, then He appears and will never not accept such a person. How intense and important is God to you in your life? Yes? Then you understand exactly... All my encounters with Christians before that, either positive or negative, had some role in reminding me of God, God called out to me through them in some way. Seriously, discard these thoughts, you did your best, and embrace hope for the best, God works out all things for good for those who love Him. I wrote this because I wanted you to feel a little better. And here's some coffee. Good morning.

Ooops I'm sorry I should've said "he" instead of she the correction time here is way too short I assumed mistakenly that the OP was male and talking about a girl... sorry op!

 

[tourist]

Would you mind elaborating on your relationship a little bit? Like, how did they react to you being Christian, why did you decide to do it, etc.? If you’re uncomfortable with it then you definitely don’t have to, I’m just curious to know.

And yeah that’s kind of what I’m afraid of, them mostly being interested in God for me. I’m not really sure how to like...ask if they’d be interested in talking to someone else about faith. Like...I’m not sure what kind of impression it would leave.

And yeah I definitely don’t want to be pulled away from God and that’s why I won’t let myself date this person, no matter how much we both want to date.

And yeah I was hoping/praying for their salvation even before I caught feelings for them. I know that God can change their life for the better.

I believe that in the end God decides who is truly a Christian or not. If your prospective person that you are interested in is open to the idea of contemplating whether to turn towards God then you might want to seriously consider this person as a possible future spouse. In the initial stages you would be the example of a Christian that is worth emulating. I believe that this person is worth the risk of a heartbreak if the relationship comes to an end. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Being tentative and undecisive is not going to cut it in matters of the heart.

 

[Lanolin]

I dont think it works that way, especially with some churches going well you gotta convert right this instant or we not going to marry you, and all your children are to be raised up with us.

Not sure what church OP belongs to, but false conversion rarely works. Im not going to suddenly become a say catholic overnight, just because someone im dating was one.

if someone said to me 'I cant date you cos we are different religions' then I would absolutely respect that. Beliefs are way more than skin deep most people know that.

 

[cinder]

I’ll reply to everything individually when I can, but I want to ask: do you think it would have been better if I had just kept my feelings to myself and continued repressing/suppressing them?
I mean I realize that it’s futile to wonder “what would have happened,” but still. Originally I was planning on never admitting my feelings to avoid this very situation, but when they started saying that they literally thought that I was rejecting them, I couldn’t take it and ended up confessing that I had feelings but couldn’t act on them.

I would hope that if I ever found myself in a similar situation of having feelings that I know shouldn't be acted on, I'd have the grace to acknowledge them if asked point blank, but then follow it up with something along the lines of but my feelings don't dictate my actions, God has given me guidance and wisdom and it is because of those that I know letting my feelings dictate my actions in this situation would only lead to an even bigger mess.

If nothing else this may also be a good opportunity to refine your convictions and ask yourself exactly why you won't date a non-believer, what makes someone believer enough to date (as others have mentioned there are plenty who say they're Christian but don't live for Christ), and why do you think the Bible is so hardcore about believers who are in the position to select a spouse select another believer (and that was an even more restrictive limiting requirement then than it is now)?

 

[Mii]

Not having been in the situation before. Hypothetically, I can only guess what I would do.

Keeping my distance would be a first step. Spend lots of time in prayer about it and I have this sort of saying that if it's true, it will stand the test of time.

Many people are motivated to become believers for a myriad of different reasons. That reason being a relational interest isn't too crazy...it's just that judging the sincerity would be difficult.

I realize it'd be difficult to discern whether or not the person is sincere when you are too close to it but that's why time to allow room for discernable fruit is reasonable.

Hard situation for sure. I like to think the Lord will make it clear...

Dating vs marriage are different things though. If this person causes you to stumble in your faith, that's something to consider. I haven't ever heard any great stories of "missionary dating" in church, so I may assume that it's not really that effective.

Let us know how things progress...sometimes just talking it out helps loads even if we don't get any advice that helps us specifically

 

[zeroturbulence]

Ooops I'm sorry I should've said "he" instead of she the correction time here is way too short I assumed mistakenly that the OP was male and talking about a girl... sorry op!

I thought the OP was male this whole time too

 

[Lanolin]

well easy enough mistake they never said.
but in another thread I observed that women in general tend to be bad judges of character and desperate to marry for other reasons....mostly child related.

and also will put up with being badly treated. An unbeliever will break your heart time and time again by breaking Gods heart through ignoring Him or paying Him lip service.

 

[Lanolin]

I just want to add about emotions, feelings.

dont rely on them too much. People say, well if I dont have feelings then I dont have anything. well thats silly. A lot of people get feelings i.e a thrill when they ride a rollercoaster, but they dont really want to ride one every day.

 

[OBASBTO]

I think non believers think they can sway you away from God because their love is stronger and sadly this happens alot, thus the warning God gives us to not go there. He knows we are weak. Then we all use the excuse that God is love and surely he would approve of this relationship and we would be bringing this person to Christ. Sometimes this does happen.
But I have found that the non believer will resent you because of your faith and you will resent them because of their lack of it.
I would pray for this person and play the role of friend only. Leave their salvation to the Lord and give your feelings for them to the Lord as well. This person may not be the person for you. Right now it is high emotions. Do you really know what this person is like behind the scenes?
Give it all to God and be a friend only. Don't go past that boundary and see what the Lord says about it all and be obedient to that. I have made this mistake already and was upset with the Lord when he said no but down the road I saw this person who I thought was so wonderful at the time not so. I was totally fooled. I am not saying this will be the case for you but I am suggesting give it to the Lord and be obedient to what he says. It will be in your best interest.

I’ve already...gone a bit past friend a few times, in spite of myself. This is really solid advice though. I appreciate it very much.

 

[Ruby123]

I’ve already...gone a bit past friend a few times, in spite of myself. This is really solid advice though. I appreciate it very much.

No worries, it was based on lessons I learnt the hard way.
Since you have gone beyond friendship I would suggest you give him to the Lord in prayer and allow the Lord to be in charge of his salvation. I doubt the Lord will use you for this as it would only put you in the position of temptation again. Let the Lord send the right people to him.

 

[OBASBTO]

Well first off, you did according to your conscience, you also thought about this person's well being. So there is no true reason to beat yourself up. In fact there's never a good reason for that, God is interested only in fruitful things like change of our behavior, and He has no profit if we keep torturing ourselves. But can you change your behavior? Probably not, because you acted according to your conviction. What you're speaking now sounds to me more like the enemy introducing doubt to trouble you, but you will know best to judge it.

We are not God and it's impossible for us to know everything, other peoples' souls, how will others react to us, or the future. It is not realistic to put that burden upon ourselves. It is enough to do according to one's conscience. You did not ruin any thing, if God set His mind on this person to come to Him the Spirit will draw her. If you're meant to be dating in the future you will be dating. There is no guilt to be had, you did what you genuinely believed was right to do, actually you are so concerned with it that you're second guessing yourself now. Beating yourself up when you did your best is not what God would want for you. Maybe embracing grace and peace will help you gain more clarity in the situation. It is hard to think or see things clearly when burdened with guilt or doubts. Where to go from here? Reject guilt and doubt. Jmo

Thanks so much for all this. It’s been a real struggle for me because we have very strong feelings for each other and they haven’t faded at all. And about the second guessing thing, yeah, I’m still struggling with it and have come close to just dating this person many times.
And for their own sake I do hope that God will draw them near to Himself because I know that God could do so much in their life.
And yeah it is hard to see or think clearly when there’s so much turmoil in the brain.

 

[OBASBTO]

Also to whoever’s messages I haven’t answered yet, I am still planning on replying. Work just eats up my time, unfortunately😅🙃

 

[OBASBTO]

If ultimately she chooses to love others like herself, even if this upset her now, she will ultimately understand and honor your choice. Maybe not today, but in the future. Or she might choose to hold a grudge. Unless you did something evil intentionally, which you didn't, this remains only her personal responsibility. People face a lot worse things than their crush saying "I'm sorry I like you but can't date you" and their eternal life still ultimately depends upon choosing the light. You don't lose salvation, or lose % chance for salvation because other treated you badly (not saying you did).

In fact, and I know this will seem unlikely to you, but believe me, this might be helpful for her. These events when we're reminded of God being out there and to pay attention to Him, ripen in people, sometimes this happens very slowly over the years, she may not even be fully aware until she reaches that boiling point to really seek God and convert. "Being open to try out Christianity" doesn't cut it, sounds sharp but I'm saying because I've been there, this is religious outer practicing of something you don't have inwardly, which is anything but what Christianity is about. I did that as a teenager because I had a few good Christian friends and loved the peace and faith they had. See - all positive influence can't be better - but inwardly I remained agnostic for the time being. There was no faith. It didn't work.

You can't "try out Christianity" it's not like other religions which you can try out. If there is no faith, it cannot stand, this is how people appear to "fall off from faith". They didn't fall off but it's people trying out Christianity for whatever benefit, yet no faith and not actually on board to begin with (born again). You need to want the light as hard as you want to breathe air, then you find it, don't take her words so seriously... God does not come second to anyone, when He becomes the chief need, then He appears and will never not accept such a person. How intense and important is God to you in your life? Yes? Then you understand exactly... All my encounters with Christians before that, either positive or negative, had some role in reminding me of God, God called out to me through them in some way. Seriously, discard these thoughts, you did your best, and embrace hope for the best, God works out all things for good for those who love Him. I wrote this because I wanted you to feel a little better. And here's some coffee. Good morning.

I sure hope that I didn’t affect their interest in salvation negatively. But what you’re saying about it still being their choice and such does make a lot of sense. I feel like I probably could’ve been a better witness if I had been more upfront or just handled things a bit differently, but I didn’t, so I didn’t. I’m hoping that God will put someone else in their path that will help point the way towards Him.

I still hope that they’ll reach out to God like I encouraged them to at the very beginning, which seems so long ago now.

And yeah, what you’re saying about “trying out faith” makes sense too. All I can do is continue to pray for their salvation. Again, for their own sake. I care very much about where this person spends eternity.

Also, that bit about trying to cheer me up and offering me a little coffee did make me smile. Thanks so much.

 

[OBASBTO]

I believe that in the end God decides who is truly a Christian or not. If your prospective person that you are interested in is open to the idea of contemplating whether to turn towards God then you might want to seriously consider this person as a possible future spouse. In the initial stages you would be the example of a Christian that is worth emulating. I believe that this person is worth the risk of a heartbreak if the relationship comes to an end. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Being tentative and undecisive is not going to cut it in matters of the heart.

I definitely see what you’re saying, and I’m tempted to enter into a relationship with them to help point the way, but at the same time, “missionary dating” is a risky business and one I’d rather not get involved in. That’s because the relationship could get more serious without them ever coming to faith, and then I’m really sunk.
I think we would both like to be in a relationship for the long term, but again, with us having different beliefs regarding faith, it doesn’t seem like a good idea.
Just hurts cause we’re exactly each other’s type.

 

[OBASBTO]

I dont think it works that way, especially with some churches going well you gotta convert right this instant or we not going to marry you, and all your children are to be raised up with us.

Not sure what church OP belongs to, but false conversion rarely works. Im not going to suddenly become a say catholic overnight, just because someone im dating was one.

if someone said to me 'I cant date you cos we are different religions' then I would absolutely respect that. Beliefs are way more than skin deep most people know that.

Yeah, basically. They said that they wouldn’t mind my faith and wouldn’t try to change it or anything, but it’s one thing to say it and another to do it. I’ve tried explaining that Christians and nonChristians have different priorities and that’s why the relationships tend not to work, but they’re still insisting that it wouldn’t be a problem. I have reasons to have doubts though.

 

[OBASBTO]

letting my feelings dictate my actions in this situation would only lead to an even bigger mess.

Aaand it did, essentially🙃

If nothing else this may also be a good opportunity to refine your convictions and ask yourself exactly why you won't date a non-believer, what makes someone believer enough to date (as others have mentioned there are plenty who say they're Christian but don't live for Christ), and why do you think the Bible is so hardcore about believers who are in the position to select a spouse select another believer (and that was an even more restrictive limiting requirement then than it is now)?

I’ve honestly been trying to think about this really hard cause honestly I’ve been having trouble explaining to them why Christians and nonChristians can’t date. Like it makes sense when you’re talking to another believer, but trying to explain it to someone outside of faith is a lot more difficult imo. I think that I mentioned somewhere else that it really boils down to different priorities. I mean obviously there’s more than that but that was the simplest way that I could think of.

 

[OBASBTO]

Keeping my distance would be a first step. Spend lots of time in prayer about it and I have this sort of saying that if it's true, it will stand the test of time.

Yeah, that’s kinda what I’ve been holding to as well. If God wants this relationship to be, then it will be.

Many people are motivated to become believers for a myriad of different reasons. That reason being a relational interest isn't too crazy...it's just that judging the sincerity would be difficult.

I realize it'd be difficult to discern whether or not the person is sincere when you are too close to it but that's why time to allow room for discernable fruit is reasonable.

Yeah, that’s also what makes this a bit tricky. Guess we’ll just have to see what happens.

Dating vs marriage are different things though. If this person causes you to stumble in your faith, that's something to consider. I haven't ever heard any great stories of "missionary dating" in church, so I may assume that it's not really that effective.

Eh...I don’t know. Yes and no I guess. And yeah, I don’t believe in missionary dating personally. And I’m definitely not trying to do that here, if that’s what I’m coming across as😅

 

[OBASBTO]

Hard situation for sure. I like to think the Lord will make it clear...

It is really hard. A bunch of people around me including ourselves think that it has the makings of a good relationship, and I said it somewhere else that we are literally exactly each other’s type and we have a lot of similar interests and issues, so we’re able to relate and help each other in that sense. But then of course we don’t have the same faith, which is a big issue. It’s just...kind of confusing, honestly. It’s hard to see what God is trying to do or teach me here.