Anyone here have a happy marriage after adultery?

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Z

Zac

New member
#1
Sep 19, 2021
9
3
3
#1
I just found out my wife slept with my friend and needless to say I’m devastated. She says it’s because she is broken from some really awful things that happened in her past and she knows it was stupid and is sorry. I am angry but she is the love of my life and I don’t want to lose her. I also don’t want to try and fix something that can’t be fixed, I’m hoping God will make it clear to me what to do. But I’m wondering if other Christians have gone through this and are not only happy, but found a way to trust their spouse again. Forgiving is one thing, I know we are supposed to forgive. But trusting and having a healthy marriage seems next to impossible. We are 35 and 36 and I really had my heart set on kids. Doesn’t look like that’s what He had in store for us as this will make it difficult to be intimate let alone trust her to keep the family together.
 
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mindfulzen

Banned
#2
Aug 4, 2021
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#2
Celibacy and just learning from it, read up on the bible. Be prepared for the next life. In time she might be honest about it. who knows. In the meantime, try to enjoy yourself. This could be a blessing in disguise, so you can find God.
 
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MatthewWestfieldUK

Well-known member
#3
May 13, 2021
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#3
First, sorry about your situation. Im sure with talk and time u can identify the factors that impacted the choices.

Second, yes you can recover, but both sides need to identify exactly what you seek from a relationship.

Third, suggest that you both find people who you can talk to about it.
Others will have experience with being victims and the adulterer.

That's just my humble opinion, im no saint so i wouldn't judge her ever.
 
Seeker47

Seeker47

Well-known member
#4
Aug 7, 2018
1,129
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#4
Yes, there are a few. Some have put their lives back together, but not all. It depends on how deep your love is for each other.

We are human and anyone can be deceived, once. You have to look into her heart, and then into your own. If the other is not anchored there, it never will be. She must be truly contrite and you must truly forgive. God will make it clear if you ask and give it time. Don't hurry Him. Protect yourself for a while and wait.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#5
Mar 13, 2014
42,595
17,062
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Tennessee
#5
What is your marriage history? The key point of your post from my perspective is that you are hoping that God will make clear for you on what to do. There are others here that can tell a similar story including myself. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support, and understanding from the members of this site. One thing though, I would hold off having kids with this woman. As it is, it will take years to have trust with her if that is even possible. Glad to have you with us. Welcome to CC.
 
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Zac

New member
#6
Sep 19, 2021
9
3
3
#6
tourist said:
What is your marriage history? The key point of your post from my perspective is that you are hoping that God will make clear for you on what to do. There are others here that can tell a similar story including myself. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support, and understanding from the members of this site. One thing though, I would hold off having kids with this woman. As it is, it will take years to have trust with her if that is even possible. Glad to have you with us. Welcome to CC.
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I agree it will take years to build trust but unfortunately we are getting to the age where having a child becomes less likely. We have been trying for about 6 years and we were getting to the point of looking into adoption. I suppose now we will certainly wait before adopting. Though I do worry about getting too old to keep up with a child. So I will just keep praying and hope He makes the answer clear.
 
Desdichado

Desdichado

Senior Member
#8
Feb 9, 2014
8,768
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#8
What a terrible situation. I'm very sorry to hear it. If both of you have faith in God's regenerative power, you will be okay.

Also, take your so-called friend to the Magistrate in the Shire in which he dwells. If the judge determines he is guilty after a quick trial, the cares of the world will no longer be upon him...

If only.
 
Desdichado

Desdichado

Senior Member
#9
Feb 9, 2014
8,768
838
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#9
Also, I am sick and tired of people (particularly women) citing their TERRIBLE and AWFUL past as a reason to torch their relationships.

Everyone over 25 has "a past." Grow up.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#11
Mar 13, 2014
42,595
17,062
113
69
Tennessee
#11
Desdichado said:
What a terrible situation. I'm very sorry to hear it. If both of you have faith in God's regenerative power, you will be okay.

Also, take your so-called friend to the Magistrate in the Shire in which he dwells. If the judge determines he is guilty after a quick trial, the cares of the world will no longer be upon him...

If only.
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This 'friend" needs 40 lashes. Possible banishment for the lady.
 
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SophieT

Guest
#12
#12
Zac said:
I just found out my wife slept with my friend and needless to say I’m devastated. She says it’s because she is broken from some really awful things that happened in her past and she knows it was stupid and is sorry. I am angry but she is the love of my life and I don’t want to lose her. I also don’t want to try and fix something that can’t be fixed, I’m hoping God will make it clear to me what to do. But I’m wondering if other Christians have gone through this and are not only happy, but found a way to trust their spouse again. Forgiving is one thing, I know we are supposed to forgive. But trusting and having a healthy marriage seems next to impossible. We are 35 and 36 and I really had my heart set on kids. Doesn’t look like that’s what He had in store for us as this will make it difficult to be intimate let alone trust her to keep the family together.
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yeah, I'm not a fan of making excuses

yes we are required to forgive, but not to repeat the past over and over and over

forgiveness does not allow bitterness to grow in us and it is an act of will, more than an emotional response. it does not mean you have to accept bad behavior or repeated offenses

I am saddened this has happened to you. Please do not refer to this situation as 'something God did not have in store for you'. God has only good things in store for us....He does not tempt us, He delivers us from those situations

is your wife sorry she committed adultery or is she sorry she was caught? you don't provide many details...and you certainly do not have to....but there is a difference.

I pray you do have clarification concerning the events and that you do not react out of emotions, but that you understand the ramifications of hasty decisions. I understand you are torn and it will take time and prayer. adultery is a decision that starts in the mind, is toyed with and then acted upon.
 
Z

Zac

New member
#14
Sep 19, 2021
9
3
3
#14
Desdichado said:
Also, I am sick and tired of people (particularly women) citing their TERRIBLE and AWFUL past as a reason to torch their relationships.

Everyone over 25 has "a past." Grow up.
Click to expand...
Ok let me rephrase, she was abused by her father and raped at 15. Nothing that bad ever happened to me so I can’t relate to what that kind of trauma does to a persons mental health.
 
Z

Zac

New member
#15
Sep 19, 2021
9
3
3
#15
SophieT said:
yeah, I'm not a fan of making excuses

yes we are required to forgive, but not to repeat the past over and over and over

forgiveness does not allow bitterness to grow in us and it is an act of will, more than an emotional response. it does not mean you have to accept bad behavior or repeated offenses

I am saddened this has happened to you. Please do not refer to this situation as 'something God did not have in store for you'. God has only good things in store for us....He does not tempt us, He delivers us from those situations

is your wife sorry she committed adultery or is she sorry she was caught? you don't provide many details...and you certainly do not have to....but there is a difference.

I pray you do have clarification concerning the events and that you do not react out of emotions, but that you understand the ramifications of hasty decisions. I understand you are torn and it will take time and prayer. adultery is a decision that starts in the mind, is toyed with and then acted upon.[/QUOTE
She seems genuinely sorry and I believe her. Forgiving her doesn’t mean I’m not heart broken or that she won’t have to earn back my trust. It was a one time thing and she told me fairly soon after because she felt so guilty. But I agree she had time to think about what she was doing and there’s no excuse for betraying someone who’s done nothing but show her love. We have a lot of therapy to go through but basically her rape and abuse when she was younger leaves her feeling like she needs abuse and doesn’t deserve to be treated with love.
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Aaron56

Aaron56

Well-known member
#16
Jul 12, 2021
2,849
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#16
Yes. And I was the adulterer. Married at 19, I was not fit to be a boyfriend let alone a husband. I went through a “Damascus road” experience (my words) where the Lord dealt with me. This was 25+ years ago. Now, we’ll be married 30 years next June, two beautiful children too. We have a home of peace and good order.
 
Aaron56

Aaron56

Well-known member
#17
Jul 12, 2021
2,849
1,641
113
#17
Zac said:
Ok let me rephrase, she was abused by her father and raped at 15. Nothing that bad ever happened to me so I can’t relate to what that kind of trauma does to a persons mental health.
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I encourage you to find someone who can deal with demons. Abuse and trauma, especially at the hands of someone who is supposed to protect, is often a door wide open for the enemy. This isn’t Pentecostal deliverance type stuff, but someone who can identify where the enemy got a foothold and began to poison the mind of the soul. I have helped many, lifelong believers who could not, try as they might, overcome issues about their past.
 
Desdichado

Desdichado

Senior Member
#18
Feb 9, 2014
8,768
838
113
#18
That may be so, but it's not a valid excuse. We are all called to virtue. Part of being virtuous is doing one's best to mitigate the mess that is life instead of continuing the cycle of hurt and betrayal.

I know I sound callous, but it's because I have been similarly hurt before and have heard near identical stories/excuses. I'm done being a doormat. If a woman wavers on this basis, she's gone because there are women out there who wouldn't deign to do such a thing.

Zac said:
Ok let me rephrase, she was abused by her father and raped at 15. Nothing that bad ever happened to me so I can’t relate to what that kind of trauma does to a persons mental health.
Click to expand...
 
Aaron56

Aaron56

Well-known member
#19
Jul 12, 2021
2,849
1,641
113
#19
Desdichado said:
That may be so, but it's not a valid excuse. We are all called to virtue. Part of being virtuous is doing one's best to mitigate the mess that is life instead of continuing the cycle of hurt and betrayal.

I know I sound callous, but it's because I have been similarly hurt before and have heard near identical stories/excuses. I'm done being a doormat. If a woman wavers on this basis, she's gone because there are women out there who wouldn't deign to do such a thing.
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No, not an excuse. A plan for moving forward together, if they choose.
 
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SophieT

Guest
#20
#20
hey Zac...I put your response to my post in its own quote below because you included it in the quote of my post (that can happen .. no worries).

She seems genuinely sorry and I believe her. Forgiving her doesn’t mean I’m not heart broken or that she won’t have to earn back my trust. It was a one time thing and she told me fairly soon after because she felt so guilty. But I agree she had time to think about what she was doing and there’s no excuse for betraying someone who’s done nothing but show her love. We have a lot of therapy to go through but basically her rape and abuse when she was younger leaves her feeling like she needs abuse and doesn’t deserve to be treated with love.
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well, if you believe her, then it seems you consider moving on with her. as far as therapy goes, people might jump on that as relief from being held accountable

see, to my understanding, we are accountable

I had someone try to kill me. I don't feel like I need dangerous relationships to relive it

you might not like me saying this, but you are hearing excuses. but time will tell

again, I know that this is difficult for you. I am sorry
 
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