Are all addictions equal when it comes to mates?

[hoss2576]

I read in a different thread about the possibility of disqualifying someone as a mate based on drug addiction. That got me thinking about issues with other addictions and even about addictions to various drugs. Does the type of addiction, including non-drug, make a difference in selecting a mate? If they aren't in active addiction but are in recovery, how long would they have to have been in recovery for them to be acceptable mate material? Are all addictions the same or are some acceptable?

There are many types of addictions other than drug addiction. Would any of these be acceptable; nicotine? pornography? shopping? gambling? food? sex? alcohol? prescription medications?

Also, if you know someone has been an active addict in the past and is now in recovery, what do they have to do to be seen on equal footing as everyone else, especially to be considered as a potential mate?

 

[blue_ladybug]

I think ALL addictions are pretty much the same.. One is no less better or worse than another..but personally I would never be with someone who had an addiction to porn..I have too many problems of my own to take on someone else's..

 

[Lynx]

Is there a right answer? It would depend on the people involved, how much they know about each other, how much they love each other, etc. You can't quantify something that is decided by emotions.

 

[JesusLives]

The main problem with addictions are the hurt and pain they cause. Meaning how much are you willing to tolerate? If it is a drug addition there will be money problems, possible theft problems not to mention being out of your mind doing crazy things possibly hurting yourself or others. Food addictions.....body issues, do you love me? Heart attacks many other illnesses to result from that addiction leading to possible death and loss. Smoking addictions..... money issues, health issues again are you willing to deal with death and loss?

We love the people maybe not the habits so much and are we willing to give up the people to death and suffer the loss.

Some just look at it as loosing out on fun stuff in life like not having a quality life if you can't enjoy some sort of addiction....Really?

I am a possessive person and so I don't like anything that gets in the way of trying to take someone I love away from me thus I become a nag to try and get the person(s) I love to stop the habit as I want to keep them around.....Who really wants a nagging Blond chiming in all the time trying to get you to stop something???? But then the Blond has a food addiction....when is she going to stop being a glutton? Guess I better pull the beam out of my own eye first huh?

 

[Sirk]

Any addiction is a sign of a deeper issue.

 

[JesusLives]

Any addiction is a sign of a deeper issue.

You are right I hated myself for a long time.

 

[Lynx]

Mark Twain: "I once knew a lady who was 93 years old, and she started going down, and going down fast! So I went to see her one day. I asked her if she had tried giving up smoking to get better. She said she had never smoked. Well, had she tried giving up drinking? She never drank. Had she tried giving up profanity? She said she had never cussed one word in her life... well, there you go. No vices to give up. It's like a ship that's going down and it has no cargo to throw overboard. I believe she would be alive today if she'd had some vices to give up."

 

[Sirk]

You are right I hated myself for a long time.

im sorry. I did too. Now I "strive to what lies ahead". My wife was upset with me yesterday....so I gave her space and later in the day she came downstairs and unloaded her painful feelings on me. I listened asked questions and validated her. Processing pain is key to health in relationships. We are closer today than we were yesterday.

 

[ChandlerFan]

The reality is that you can only be in a relationship with someone to the degree that they are healthy. I don't think an addiction can ever be entirely a thing of the past as there is always that chance for relapse, but I think in order for someone to truly have a healthy marriage, their addiction has to be a thing of the past in the sense that they are removed from their last instance of relapse by a considerable amount of time and they aren't showing any signs of going backward. That might seem harsh (and the grace of God does abound for those caught up in addiction), but I do believe that's the truth. A person's lack of health is going to impactfully carry over to their marriage.

 

[MissCris]

There are certainly some addictions that would be worse/more dangerous for someone to be around than others. Drugs, alcohol, gambling...I can't see a relationship being successful with someone addicted to any one of those things. Oh, and sex addiction, as well. The amount of time/money/cover stories (lies) that an addict invests in their addiction would in itself be a huge roadblock to the success of a relationship, but then you add in the elements of possible violence, the sketchy friends they have, and just the altered state they are perpetually in because of their addiction...I dunno, it would be very, very difficult to get to know who they are underneath the addiction (as in when they aren't high/drunk/actively feeding the addiction, and also during the times when they are suffering withdrawals because they've had to abstain for whatever reason).

There are other addictions that are less dangerous or burdensome for the people around the addict, but even so, any addiction can be a problem in a relationship.

My sister is married to a recovering meth addict. It's been something like six or seven years since he last smoked meth, and we're all happy he quit and proud of him for that. But my sister has told me her concerns about him becoming addicted to something else; alcohol, mainly, but also food. They've both been trying to quit smoking together, as well, but she says it's more difficult for him because that was the one legal thing left to him, he kind of substituted cigarettes for the meth.

Addiction is such a slippery slope...how nerve-wracking would it be to start a relationship with someone who was in recovery, only to be constantly on the look out for them to become addicted to something else? Some people may be able to handle that...but wow, it would take a level of committment and courage and faith above and beyond the norm, I would think.

So to answer the question, I'd say that no, not all addictions are equal (as in the type/amount of destructive behavior or other problems that come with any addiction), but that a healthy person considering entering into a relationship with a recovered (recovering) addict should seriously consider the likelihood of relapse or cross-addiction (depending what the original addiction was; an ex-smoker who hasn't smoked in a few years is less of a risk than an ex-alcoholic or drug addict, for instance).

 

[seoulsearch]

This is such a good question, Hoss. Cristen and a few others have said everything I'd have add here, except that I have also that for my own personal boundaries, I draw the line against an addiction that is disturbing a healthy lifestyle, no matter what the addiction may be.

For example, if the addiction is causing the person to lie, cheat, steal, ignore responsibilities, fail to show up at work, or neglect their family, then I would probably not become personally involved with this person.

An addiction to video games or shopping may seem harmless, but if it's causing you to miss work or go broke, I would personally see it as a very serious problem that would definitely be a hindrance to a relationship.

 

[gypsygirl]

while i don't want to make broad strokes, i do believe a lot of addiction isn't as much person-specific but "opportunity meets circumstance" because i've seen that play out over and over. i'm sure it's far more comfortable to believe that those who haven't faced addiction are because they're "that strong" but i don't believe that. actually, the opposite, only waning in risk, perhaps because of maturity and fruit.

for me, the greater concern exists with what they've done with their life because of that addiction, and how vigilant they are.

i dated a guy who had a history of cheating in his first (and only) marriage and was in recovery with a group of former pastors who had sex addiction. it had been few years since he'd been actively in recovery, but for me, it was still too new, and too affected by this. i wanted so badly to be the understanding and "believe the best" girlfriend to his sorry and "turn over a new leaf" ways, but everything in me was screaming to run. and i did.

ultimately, i felt like he was still dealing with so much of the root and aftermath. that became a deal breaker for me. he was an amazing person that was just not right for me at the time, and i'm not even sure i'd have ever been cool with the cheating history, to be fully honest. i'm not sure i'd have been able to trust him, as if it was all fresh and new. maybe i'm not big enough of a person to manage that.

note: he remarried about 8 months after i broke up with him, and occasionally i want to find out what he's been up to, only to discover whether he's maintained his ways or repeated more pattern. part of why i broke up with him was because he was so focused on remarriage and i wasn't about to leap with him--not anytime soon.

i'd really love to say that all addictions are redeemable, and with sobriety and support, i'm on board. but at the minimum, i'd need to see the following:

1) a fully committed path of maintaining sobriety, including a serious amount of time that has passed on that journey
2) a concerted effort to deal with the root issues that drive that coping mechanism
3) enough time to eclipse lost development during the time of addiction. for example - when people abuse or use coping mechanisms, it's been well documented that the time addicts spend with that addiction represents an utter lack of maturing and growth. so, say someone was smoking pot since they were 15 years old, and it's now 20 years later, he has a LOT to catch up with. he needs a much more time of sobriety than the guy who spent a couple years drinking excessively, all other things equal.

at the end of the day, there are so many other factors:

how is our communication? how is his faith? how strong are his boundaries? how well does he manage personal accountability? how interested am i? what kind of support does he have? how old is he? how far out is he from recovery? what is his attitude towards it all?

the list goes on. factors matter but the individual scenario still trumps for me the actual decision.

 

[Nautilus]

I don't believe that addictions are equal. There is a huge difference between cocaine and cigarettes or alcohol and caffeine. I wouldn't be with someone addicted to hard drugs or alcohol or sex or gambling. Would I care if they smoked or drank a pot of coffee every morning? Not a bit. I have my own vices as well.

 

[Lynx]

A pot of coffee a day is a vice? Don't tell my uncle Fred... He drinks a pot and a half before he leaves for work in the morning.

 

[Nautilus]

A pot of coffee a day is a vice? Don't tell my uncle Fred... He drinks a pot and a half before he leaves for work in the morning.

I mean im on my fifth cup of the day...I cant judge

 

[AsifinPassing]

Honestly, this subject is a little too close to home for me to accurately comment. Sin is sin, and if you've had an addiction (which I pray you don't), you'll understand just how difficult they are.

In any case, not as an excuse, I just hope that there are people out there loving enough to try. Many of us are often a mixed basket of good and bad...God in us and the flesh. I suppose, as said, it just largely depends on the person.

...but thanks be to God who can give us the victory! He can love and forgive and long-suffer foolish sinners like me, and I'm thankful that we're not alone.

I realize how hurtful, unfair, difficult, and complicated it can be...but I also know of couples/marriages that were strong enough to survive such things (and seemingly anything) for a lifetime.

Anyway...that's me. I'll accept the consequences, but always hope for freedom from ALL sin. I believe God can do it, and if willing, may have a very special person who would not only love and help me but be equally loved and helped by me.

 

[maxwel]

I read in a different thread about the possibility of disqualifying someone as a mate based on drug addiction. That got me thinking about issues with other addictions and even about addictions to various drugs. Does the type of addiction, including non-drug, make a difference in selecting a mate? If they aren't in active addiction but are in recovery, how long would they have to have been in recovery for them to be acceptable mate material? Are all addictions the same or are some acceptable?

There are many types of addictions other than drug addiction. Would any of these be acceptable; nicotine? pornography? shopping? gambling? food? sex? alcohol? prescription medications?

Also, if you know someone has been an active addict in the past and is now in recovery, what do they have to do to be seen on equal footing as everyone else, especially to be considered as a potential mate?

The scripture doesn't really give us a list of messed up personality types, and tell us they're disqualified from marriage.


The scripture tells us we are ALL SAVED FROM SIN, and we should choose a mate who has signs of maturing in their faith.

You won't find a mate who is perfect, but you can find one who is mature in Christ, and takes their faith seriously... a person who's life shows some VISIBLE EVIDENCE (fruit) that they are truly saved, and truly living for God.

 

[ChandlerFan]

Honestly, this subject is a little too close to home for me to accurately comment. Sin is sin, and if you've had an addiction (which I pray you don't), you'll understand just how difficult they are.

In any case, not as an excuse, I just hope that there are people out there loving enough to try. Many of us are often a mixed basket of good and bad...God in us and the flesh. I suppose, as said, it just largely depends on the person.

...but thanks be to God who can give us the victory! He can love and forgive and long-suffer foolish sinners like me, and I'm thankful that we're not alone.

I realize how hurtful, unfair, difficult, and complicated it can be...but I also know of couples/marriages that were strong enough to survive such things (and seemingly anything) for a lifetime.

Anyway...that's me. I'll accept the consequences, but always hope for freedom from ALL sin. I believe God can do it, and if willing, may have a very special person who would not only love and help me but be equally loved and helped by me.

Asifinpassing, I don't want to infer anything from your post that wasn't intended, but I do feel that it's necessary to say that this form of thinking can be dangerous because loving and helping their boyfriend/girlfriend is exactly what any good person would want to do, but a significant other really isn't the right person to be helping someone recover from an addiction. In other words, even though I know it happens often, I think it's selfish for a person to pursue a serious relationship with someone while they are in the thrall of an addiction. I'm speaking as someone who has an addictive nature and understands it well. I just think it puts that significant other in a compromising position because it requires them to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy because they are compelled to be loving and supportive.

 

[Sirk]

Asifinpassing, I don't want to infer anything from your post that wasn't intended, but I do feel that it's necessary to say that this form of thinking can be dangerous because loving and helping their boyfriend/girlfriend is exactly what any good person would want to do, but a significant other really isn't the right person to be helping someone recover from an addiction. In other words, even though I know it happens often, I think it's selfish for a person to pursue a serious relationship with someone while they are in the thrall of an addiction. I'm speaking as someone who has an addictive nature and understands it well. I just think it puts that significant other in a compromising position because it requires them to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy because they are compelled to be loving and supportive.

It's easy for a relationship like this to develop into a one up one down with one person being the caretaker of the other.

 

[AsifinPassing]

Asifinpassing, I don't want to infer anything from your post that wasn't intended, but I do feel that it's necessary to say that this form of thinking can be dangerous because loving and helping their boyfriend/girlfriend is exactly what any good person would want to do, but a significant other really isn't the right person to be helping someone recover from an addiction. In other words, even though I know it happens often, I think it's selfish for a person to pursue a serious relationship with someone while they are in the thrall of an addiction. I'm speaking as someone who has an addictive nature and understands it well. I just think it puts that significant other in a compromising position because it requires them to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy because they are compelled to be loving and supportive.

I understand. That form of thinking (your post) is good and right in its own. It just sucks under this model for people who have addictions (which unfortunately are many and growing), because if you don't recover (which many ufortunately do not)...a relationship becomes out of the question for you.

I just hope there are some who would love people despite their many faults, but it is a lot to ask. I understand.