Can't accept my girlfriend's past

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Paulie said:
I know I sound like a major douche, but I just feel hurt, you know? That's what I'm trying to say, the fact that she was unfaithful to God doesn't give me the peace of mind I need in order to feel comfortable in that relationship.
And no, I can't leave her... We tried to break up and it was a 3 week nightmare before we finally got back together. I don't want to "club her over the head" so I dropped the talks months ago and I'm trying to act "tough" and like "a real man", who is perfectly okay with her past, realizes he's the one she chose, is the better man and blah blah, but... the problem remains.
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You shouldn't. She's not with him anymore she's with you.
I've had sooooo many people judge me greatly for my past. But guess what? I'm not that stupid girl I used to be. I'm who I am now. I've changed. I've let go of my past and so should others.
You need to let go of her past
 
tourist said:
Seems to me that the reason that you want her to apologize for her past is because it bothers you greatly. This happened before she was in your life. If she now says she desires an exclusive relationship with you and promises to be faithful would you think differently about her?

I highly advise that you both agree to refrain from sex unless or until you are married.

It may take some time before she comes to a realization that she has made serious mistakes and committed sin in the past. What makes you think that she has bigger problems with God than you do? If you can't accept her for who she is now than I don't see much of a future for either of you to have a relationship leading to marriage.

My counsel to you is to end this relationship for her sake as well as yours and to focus on improving your spiritual life and your personal relationship with God. The longer you wait the least likely you will find a woman that is a virgin that's close to your age so you're going to have to come to terms with that.

You can read all the articles you want on relationships but I don't believe that's going to help you unless you are able to apply anything useful into practice. What should matter to most is what is in her heart now and not what she has done in the past.

Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
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Sorry for the misunderstanding, I mean she has bigger problems with God than She has with me, not me and God.

And to the previous posters:
Yes, I want a serious long-lasting (lifelong) relationship.
And no, I do not get involved in sexual acts cause I'm kinda asexual so I really don't need it -> I don't practice it.
 
Paulie said:
Well, that's basically it. She has a sexual past she doesn't regret, which I can't accept. I thought I'd be alright with it, but when you love someone, it becomes a true nightmare, that just ruins the relationship. I've discussed it with her, she knows how much it hurts me, but she just keeps saying it's something that is in the past. Yet she never apologizes, and she doesn't feel guilty, cause at the time, she was in love with that guy. I know she really has bigger problems with God than me, but I love her and I can't just let go of her.
I've read a dozens of articles on accepting your girlfriend's past, consulted with friends and random strangers on chats, some of which were Christian.

I want to know what you guys think about that. What should I do? Should I leave her? Should I pray she finds peace and realizes what a mistake she made? I know we all have sins, and I highly regret mine, why can't she?
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She doesn't owe you an apology for what she did in the past. She didn't know you.

What should you do? Get over yourself.
 
That's for her and God to sort out.. exactly why the Bible says to not mix with the unbelieving.. You won't agree.. Your concept of right and wrong are not the same.. you're divided because you're trying to do the impossible
Paulie said:
Sorry for the misunderstanding, I mean she has bigger problems with God than She has with me, not me and God.

And to the previous posters:
Yes, I want a serious long-lasting (lifelong) relationship.
And no, I do not get involved in sexual acts cause I'm kinda asexual so I really don't need it -> I don't practice it.
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Everyone has a past and we learn from the experiences in life . If she was with guys while dating you it would be a different story. Since that seems to nort be the case you have to try accept it & move foward. God doesn't want us to have pitty for ourselves over our past. Whats most important is put your feelings aside and tell her Gods perspective. Let her know the importance of repenting for her sins and accept Christ in her life.
 
Paulie said:
I know I sound like a major douche, but I just feel hurt, you know? That's what I'm trying to say, the fact that she was unfaithful to God doesn't give me the peace of mind I need in order to feel comfortable in that relationship.
And no, I can't leave her... We tried to break up and it was a 3 week nightmare before we finally got back together. I don't want to "club her over the head" so I dropped the talks months ago and I'm trying to act "tough" and like "a real man", who is perfectly okay with her past, realizes he's the one she chose, is the better man and blah blah, but... the problem remains.
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You are the one with a problem, not her. And you're trying to pressure her into your way of feeling.
You don't sound like a douche, you are being one.
And if you think being "a real man" and "tough" by attempting to ignore things while bitterness and resentment builds inside you need to look into what a real man actually is.

Fact of the matter is this relationship is one giant red flag.
You can't get over her past.
She doesn't care that you can't get over it.
You are bringing condemnation on her.
You're expecting her to think and feel how you determine she should.
She did these things and has no conviction over it.
You think ignoring the problem is being a "man".
The problem remains because of you.
You expect her to apologize for her past?? Seriously? That's the douchiest thing about you.
"Bigger problems with God than me".

All you have done is laid out a road map to a doomed relationship. Shown that you think she owes you an apology for her past (the arrogance in that expectation.. you should be the one apologizing for that attitude).
If you want to be a "real man" then stop wasting time in a dead end relationship. Stop expecting her to conform to your standards and apologize for not meeting them. Grow up and see the situation for what it is. She doesn't care about what she did and has no Godly conviction about it. You get get past it and create excessive expectations. If you can't accept it stop wasting your time. Her time.
If you think breaking up is a nightmare imagine getting divorced 10 years down the road because you won't let her past go, and your badgering drives her further from regret, just to spite you.
A "real man" would see things for what they are, not what they wish they were, and move on.
 
Paulie said:
Well, that's basically it. She has a sexual past she doesn't regret, which I can't accept. I thought I'd be alright with it, but when you love someone, it becomes a true nightmare, that just ruins the relationship. I've discussed it with her, she knows how much it hurts me, but she just keeps saying it's something that is in the past. Yet she never apologizes, and she doesn't feel guilty, cause at the time, she was in love with that guy. I know she really has bigger problems with God than me, but I love her and I can't just let go of her.
I've read a dozens of articles on accepting your girlfriend's past, consulted with friends and random strangers on chats, some of which were Christian.

I want to know what you guys think about that. What should I do? Should I leave her? Should I pray she finds peace and realizes what a mistake she made? I know we all have sins, and I highly regret mine, why can't she?
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I'm really slow. And I can't read the whole thread.
The problem is that she loved someone before you?
And you didn't?

So, do you hate the previous guy or do you love her?
Choose.


(If I've misunderstood, sorry)
 
Desdichado said:
If it's this complicated, I would leave her and find another honey.

It'll be even harder if you manage to power through and marry her.
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I always agree with you.
He should do what she did.
Then he'll understand better for next time.
No. Really....
 
Ugly said:
You are the one with a problem, not her. And you're trying to pressure her into your way of feeling.
You don't sound like a douche, you are being one.
And if you think being "a real man" and "tough" by attempting to ignore things while bitterness and resentment builds inside you need to look into what a real man actually is.

Fact of the matter is this relationship is one giant red flag.
You can't get over her past.
She doesn't care that you can't get over it.
You are bringing condemnation on her.
You're expecting her to think and feel how you determine she should.
She did these things and has no conviction over it.
You think ignoring the problem is being a "man".
The problem remains because of you.
You expect her to apologize for her past?? Seriously? That's the douchiest thing about you.
"Bigger problems with God than me".

All you have done is laid out a road map to a doomed relationship. Shown that you think she owes you an apology for her past (the arrogance in that expectation.. you should be the one apologizing for that attitude).
If you want to be a "real man" then stop wasting time in a dead end relationship. Stop expecting her to conform to your standards and apologize for not meeting them. Grow up and see the situation for what it is. She doesn't care about what she did and has no Godly conviction about it. You get get past it and create excessive expectations. If you can't accept it stop wasting your time. Her time.
If you think breaking up is a nightmare imagine getting divorced 10 years down the road because you won't let her past go, and your badgering drives her further from regret, just to spite you.
A "real man" would see things for what they are, not what they wish they were, and move on.
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Harsh! I like it!
As I said, act like one, and trying to be. Not actually be ("tough" and a "real man"). As you can see, I am thankful for all the advice I can get. If I thought I was right, or had something in mind, I wouldn't be here asking for guidance.
 
And by the way, if her ex was a decent bloke and he truly loved her, I don't think I'd have much problems with her past. But I just can't imagine that being the case. And the fact that I don't know him and they had a reason to break up paints very unpleasant pictures in my mind. Like him using her for his own benefits, or they both using each other in some evil lustful way.

I've thought about that (topic, even before we met, for a random girl) and if her ex was some of my best friends, I wouldn't have a problem with that. Cause I know they're decent dudes with big hearts who would give all when in a relationship. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it certainly does to me.
 
Paulie said:
What exactly do you mean by that?
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I have some questions for you....

1. You don't want to be a real man?
Why not? Is that a bad thing?

2. What does it mean to "work hard" on a relationship?
I work hard at different things because I have to. I have to work hard on my relationship too?
When does fun come into the picture??


OK. Now I'll answer you.

It sounds like you never had a relationship before.
This may be why you don't understand the situation.

So,,,if you leave her, and then in a year you find yourself in a different relationship,,,you'll finally understand
you're current situation. Of course it'll be too late by then.

Or do you truly believe we all get to have only one relationship in our whole life?
That's so romantic.
And unrealistic.
 
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Paulie said:
And by the way, if her ex was a decent bloke and he truly loved her, I don't think I'd have much problems with her past. But I just can't imagine that being the case. And the fact that I don't know him and they had a reason to break up paints very unpleasant pictures in my mind. Like him using her for his own benefits, or they both using each other in some evil lustful way.

I've thought about that (topic, even before we met, for a random girl) and if her ex was some of my best friends, I wouldn't have a problem with that. Cause I know they're decent dudes with big hearts who would give all when in a relationship. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it certainly does to me.
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Strange ideas make sense to you.
 
FranC said:
I have some questions for you....

1. You don't want to be a real man?
Why not? Is that a bad thing?

2. What does it mean to "work hard" on a relationship?
I work hard at different things because I have to. I have to work hard on my relationship too?
When does fun come into the picture??


OK. Now I'll answer you.

It sounds like you never had a relationship before.
This may be why you don't understand the situation.

So,,,if you leave her, and then in a year you find yourself in a different relationship,,,you'll finally understand
You're current situation. Of course it'll be too late by then.

Or do you truly believe we all get to have only one relationship in our whole life?
That's so romantic.
And unrealistic.
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Well, everything requires work, it won't magically happen when you sit on your couch watching football. If you want a strong relationship, you have to work for it: work on yourself, your understandings, being there for your wifey, being the best version of yourself for that other person. As it is with God. You don't just say "Oh I'm Christian now, everything I do is forgiven". No. You work every day on becoming the best you can. Having the best relationship you're capable of, whether it is with God or your loved one.
And I've had previous relationships. Never had the same problem.
And I don't have a problem being a man. I just don't like the idea that a man should never complain and always be the strong and rational one in a relationship. Everyone has their ups and downs, and if you can't rely on your wife to be by your side when you have a problem, and solve it together... I don't think that's a real relationship. I've been there. It is cool somehow to have a girl that relies completely on you, but she becomes more of a pretty accessory than a person.
 
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Maybe he couldn't get over her past before him..

You assume, and now you don't like her past? If you leave how are you better than the other guy? Because you know you?

We judge other by actions and ourselves by intentions.. sorry but unless you've got more, this fits..

Paulie said:
And by the way, if her ex was a decent bloke and he truly loved her, I don't think I'd have much problems with her past. But I just can't imagine that being the case. And the fact that I don't know him and they had a reason to break up paints very unpleasant pictures in my mind. Like him using her for his own benefits, or they both using each other in some evil lustful way.

I've thought about that (topic, even before we met, for a random girl) and if her ex was some of my best friends, I wouldn't have a problem with that. Cause I know they're decent dudes with big hearts who would give all when in a relationship. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it certainly does to me.
Click to expand...
 
Paulie said:
I know I sound like a major douche, but I just feel hurt, you know? That's what I'm trying to say, the fact that she was unfaithful to God doesn't give me the peace of mind I need in order to feel comfortable in that relationship.
And no, I can't leave her... We tried to break up and it was a 3 week nightmare before we finally got back together. I don't want to "club her over the head" so I dropped the talks months ago and I'm trying to act "tough" and like "a real man", who is perfectly okay with her past, realizes he's the one she chose, is the better man and blah blah, but... the problem remains.
Click to expand...

Don't forget to wear the belt of truth always with God. God wants us to realize His Sovereignty. We are apt to tie God up in His own laws and allow Him no free will. We say we know what God wants with this relationship, we know what God will do, and suddenly He upsets all our calculations by working in unprecedented ways; You have expected God to work here in a certain way; don't be surprised if God does just the opposite. There are unexpected issues in life; unexpected joys when we looked for sorrow, and sorrow when we expected joy, until we learn to say, all my expectations are from Thee.
 
Paulie said:
Well, that's basically it. She has a sexual past she doesn't regret, which I can't accept. I thought I'd be alright with it, but when you love someone, it becomes a true nightmare, that just ruins the relationship. I've discussed it with her, she knows how much it hurts me, but she just keeps saying it's something that is in the past. Yet she never apologizes, and she doesn't feel guilty, cause at the time, she was in love with that guy. I know she really has bigger problems with God than me, but I love her and I can't just let go of her.
I've read a dozens of articles on accepting your girlfriend's past, consulted with friends and random strangers on chats, some of which were Christian.

I want to know what you guys think about that. What should I do? Should I leave her? Should I pray she finds peace and realizes what a mistake she made? I know we all have sins, and I highly regret mine, why can't she?
Click to expand...

I will give you my opinion straight up...if you can't accept her past, she's not the one for you. Relationships and commitment s like marriage takes someone who loves the other person enough to forgive them for mistakes. This is her past and you can't move past that to focus on the present...to me that says either you need counseling or you don't love this girl the way you think you do. If you need a virgin...find a virgin. As I always say to back up my opinions...pray about it...talk to your pastor.
 
Paulie said:
Harsh! I like it!
As I said, act like one, and trying to be. Not actually be ("tough" and a "real man"). As you can see, I am thankful for all the advice I can get. If I thought I was right, or had something in mind, I wouldn't be here asking for guidance.
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Not harsh. He just tells it as it is.
And no. You came here to ask why she has so many problems.
Don't try to say you came here to get advice on how to fix yourself. Read your first post.

I still doubt you will take people's advice into consideration. I hope you will. Or break up with her to spare her
 
I'll just throw this out there for some responses from you single men...
If you found yourself in love with the woman of your dreams...does her past matter?
 
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