Jordan Peterson and Eric Cartman are debating about Pop-Tarts
Peterson argues that unprosted Pop-Tarts lack the additional sweetness the frosting has to offer, but they make up for it with their charming simplicity and we should appreciate the cultural value
Cartman argues that anything other than unprosted Pop-Tarts is absolutely unacceptable
[Scene: A cozy, nondescript kitchen with a table where Jordan Peterson and Eric Cartman are sitting across from each other, a package of Pop-Tarts in the center. A heated debate has just begun.]
Jordan Peterson: [Leaning forward, speaking with calm conviction] You see, Cartman, the thing about Pop-Tarts is that there's a level of nuance to them. The frosted ones, sure, they have that extra sweetness, that immediate burst of sugary pleasure. But I’d argue that the unfrosted Pop-Tart, though seemingly plain, embodies a certain simplicity. It offers a kind of clarity. It’s not overwhelmed by excessive sweetness—it has the flavor of the filling, and there’s something culturally valuable in that. We should appreciate that simplicity, that restraint. It’s a product of minimalism, a representation of the utilitarian side of breakfast foods.
Eric Cartman: [Grabbing an unfrosted Pop-Tart from the package, holding it up like it's some kind of sacred object, scowling at Peterson] You’re insane, man. Frosted Pop-Tarts are the only real Pop-Tarts! Anything else is just a sad, pathetic excuse for breakfast. Unfrosted? What’s the point of that? You’re just eating dry cardboard with a little bit of weird fruit filling inside. It’s nothing without the frosting! That’s what makes them good! The frosting is what gives you the energy, the power, the pure joy! Without the frosting, it’s like... it's like they’re incomplete, broken! You can’t even call them Pop-Tarts if they’re unfrosted!
Jordan Peterson: [Chuckling softly, adjusting his glasses] I understand where you're coming from, Cartman, but I think you’re missing the broader picture here. The frosting, yes, it provides an additional layer of sweetness and decadence. But the unfrosted version... it teaches us something important about balance. It’s not about excess. It’s a reminder that not everything needs to be sweetened to the point of excess. You see, the unfrosted Pop-Tart doesn’t demand your attention with sugar. It’s a more restrained, almost humble offering. It lets the filling speak for itself. It’s simplicity in the face of consumer excess. In a way, it challenges us to appreciate the intrinsic qualities of the food itself, not just the packaging or the sugar coating.
Eric Cartman: [Interrupting, voice rising in disbelief] No, no, no, NO! The frosting is what makes it special! You can’t just sit there and tell me that eating an unfrosted Pop-Tart is somehow a noble, cultured experience. That’s ridiculous! Frosted Pop-Tarts are everything! They’re like, the pinnacle of breakfast innovation! They’re a perfect balance of sweet and crunchy. They’re like, a little piece of heaven in your mouth. The frosting is the whole point of Pop-Tarts! You take that away, and what are you left with? Nothing. It’s like you’re eating a soggy piece of... I don’t even know, like, wallpaper! Frosted Pop-Tarts are essential to the experience!
Jordan Peterson: [Nodding thoughtfully, raising his hand as if to make a careful point] I think you’re overlooking something here, Cartman. The frosting, yes, it does provide that instant gratification we all crave. It’s a shortcut to pleasure. But in the long run, our tendency to seek out the immediate reward—the sugar rush, the frosting—is, in some ways, the epitome of modern consumerism. It's the tendency to choose instant pleasure over the appreciation of something that might take a little more effort to enjoy. The unfrosted Pop-Tart... it doesn’t promise you an easy escape. It requires a more thoughtful approach. It’s simpler, yes, but that’s the beauty of it. It makes you think. You don't need the frosting to feel whole. It’s about developing an appreciation for what’s there, not just what’s added.
Eric Cartman: [Shaking his head, now seriously frustrated, holding up an unfrosted Pop-Tart like it's a criminal evidence] Are you seriously lecturing me about appreciating what’s inside? Who cares about what’s inside if it tastes like garbage? Look, I get it, okay? You’re trying to make a point, but frosting is like... like the whole reason Pop-Tarts exist! It’s the perfect combination of sweet, crunchy, and gooey! You can’t just strip that away and pretend like it’s still the same thing. What you’re talking about—this “appreciating the simplicity” thing—sounds like some sort of lame, self-righteous philosophy that’s totally wrong! I’ll say it again—anything other than frosted Pop-Tarts is absolutely unacceptable.
Jordan Peterson: [Pausing, then smiling slightly, amused at Cartman’s passionate reaction] You’re a man of strong convictions, I’ll give you that, Cartman. But, there’s a deeper truth here. The unfrosted Pop-Tart forces us to confront the idea of moderation—to recognize that not everything needs to be extravagant to have value. Yes, the frosting gives immediate satisfaction, but it’s the unfrosted Pop-Tart that can teach us something about delayed gratification and restraint. It’s not about depriving yourself of pleasure; it’s about understanding that sometimes, the simpler things are just as valuable.
Eric Cartman: [Crossing his arms, huffing, still holding the unfrosted Pop-Tart as if it's a weapon] Whatever, man. You can keep your plain, boring Pop-Tarts. I’m sticking with the good ones. Frosted forever! [He takes a dramatic bite of his unfrosted Pop-Tart, grimaces, and then immediately pulls out a frosted one from his bag, taking a much more satisfied bite.]
Jordan Peterson: [Chuckling softly, shaking his head, still calm] There it is. You’ve made your choice, Cartman. But one day, you might come to appreciate the simple things. Perhaps... just perhaps, you’ll see the value in the unfrosted ones.
Eric Cartman: [Through a mouthful of frosting, smugly] Nope. Frosted all the way, buddy. [Waves him off dismissively]
[Scene fades as Peterson and Cartman continue their food battle, each firmly entrenched in their Pop-Tart philosophy.]
End scene.