Desperate for marriage advice

[Mrskate80]

LOL I didn't know I could hover over the emoji and it tell me what it is for!
Sorry

 

[blue_ladybug]

He got mad because he doesn't want his dirty little secret known.. And what happens if he DOES have the kids in the car with him, and gets stopped for whatever reason, if the cops smell pot or have reason to search the car, they'll find his stash. Or, God forbid, he's too high and crashes the car with the kids.. what then?? His secret isn't a secret..

Right if he has nothing to hide, then he should have no problem taking them

He got mad because I told told my pastor why I was seeking the divorce!
Like really, I am supposed to be okay with it, but You dont want anyone else to know!?

And he didn't get searched by the cops, sorry if I made it sound like that. I was just using that as an example of what could happen when my children are with him

 

[Mrskate80]

I think this is a fine example of why even Christian marriages don't work out any better than non Christian marriages. Women tend to think this is the guy they can fix to be the guy they want. Meanwhile the guy goes in without a clue on that deception. Then suddenly she makes all these demands that aren't the personality of the guy. So what does that leave for him? Pretend he is or get yelled at constantly for not being the guy she wanted.

There's a reason the wife is to submit and the husband is to love. By nature, women are the take-charge person. (It is what mothers do naturally.) Traditionally, the guys find it easier to get back into the role of the child. And then the wife wonders why he's acting like a child? Because he's being treated like one, of course.

If you don't trust him to lead and to love, don't marry him. If you do trust him, stop leading! What your really upset with is he's not changing into the guy you thought you could turn him into. How about loving the guy you married warts and all?

I am not treating him like a child. I am not responsible for his behavior nor do I want that burden
I do however, refuse to be lied to, manipulated and deceived, all because I expect someone with kids to take of to grow up and be a responsible parent!

 

[kellygreenmom]

Mrs. Kate,
I certainly sounds your separation is necessary due to the constant lies and pot use. You are unltimately responsible to keep your kids safe from him. So you are in communication with your pastor about this? You certainly need community support as you navigate this hard situation.

However your marriage goes in the next year it wont be easy. Lord willing, as your husband loses his identity as a husband and father, he will fall to his knees and ask the Lord to help him change. If you two walk the path of healing your marriage it will be very hard and slow but worth it. If divorce is the only route due to his lack of heart and behavior change, then that will have its own set of emotional healing to go through. A court date and a divorce decree is nothing to celebrate and is a sad somber ending to your dreams with him. I am not trying to be negative. I just want to realize that our culture lies to us about the freedom that divorce brings. Ultimately, I want to see your marriage restored. I want your husband to abandon the deceptive bliss of a high. I highly encourage you and couple other people to pray hard for your husband's freedom from addiction which begins with him seeing the reality of his problem. It is in your family's best interest married or divorced. Your kids are your legacy and every kid benefits from a present loving father.
Lord God, I pray for Kate. I lift her up to you right now. Please give her strength and wisdom as she leads her children each day. Please help her to see her husband as your hurting and lost child who can't even see your blessings to him of a wife and children. Please surround Kate with people who will encourage her, lift her up, comfort her at she feels experiences the pains of a fractured family, who pray for her marriage and pray over her children. Thank you Lord for the covenant of marriage. May we all remember your definition and purpose for it and turn away all the lies our culture feeds us. May she stand strong in her convictions to keep her children in a calm environment free of drugs. Lord, may she draw near to you each day and each moment she thinks of her family. Thank you Lord for your love, your grace and mercy, your patience. In Jesus name I pray, Amen

 

[tourist]

For you own sake and the sake of your daughter I believe that it would be prudent for you to proceed with the divorce and immediately separate yourself from this lousy excuse of a husband.

 

[Depleted]

So almost 3 months later, arguing and bickering seem to be getting worse.
He is still lying to me about things he does, even if it doesn't have to do with pot.

Last week when we were arguing I said something about him leaving & he said that if he had somewhere to go that he would've already left. So.... That Sunday he was going to go talk to his parents, let them know what was going on & that he needed a place to stay for a while; come home & we were going to explain to our daughter that we since mommy & daddy have been arguing so much that he was going to go stay there for a little while.

On my way home from the store that afternoon with my kids I passed by one of his lifelong friends, who does nothing except smoke pot & what do ya know, he was there. They were leaving in my hubby truck "to get something to eat". When he got home that evening(like 3 hours later) he tried to mess with my head & first told me he did not smoke, then said he did.
I asked him why lie about it, he said, "Well, was i lying when I said I did, or when I said I didn't?"

I could see the smoke coming outta my head, lol. How manipulative is that?!
So get this... he is staying at the above mentioned friends dads camp house, which is not even 1/2 mile away from his friends.
He is hanging out with him now more than before! And with another couple(friends aunt& uncle) that live on same road & they too smoke.

He is saying that I can not control him & tell him that he can't talk to them because they are like his family...well my kids & myself ARE his family!! Don't get me wrong I know I can not control his behavior, nor do I want the burden, but I will not apologize for refusing to be lied to, mistreated and disrespected.
It's called standards, & I feel he can step up or step out.
It hurts, it really hurts. I don't want this! I scream it on the inside, but I am at my wits end.
Even not being here, he lies, saying he isn't hanging out with the guy.
I asked him to talk to the preacher with me, & he didn't like that idea.
What the heck do I do?!
He had another conversation with his mother & pretty much made fun of me saying that all he does is smoke "a little" pot no and then
He let her talk so ugly about me. Saying I was self centered & ungrateful to have him as a hubby.

"Doctor, Doctor, I need help. I'm very overweight. I can't pee, but I'm always thirsty. I'm forever tired, and my eyesight is going quickly."

"Sounds like diabetes. Get a blood test, cut out most carbs -- sugar and flour, stay on a 1500 calories a day diet, and come back in a month when the blood test comes back."

Three months later.

"Doctor, doctor, it's much worse. I've gained 15 pounds, cannot drink enough, but haven't peed in days, I could barely stay awake to come here, and I now need a white cane."

"I don't know what happened. I never got the results from the blood test."

"Oh, I never got one."

"And the diet?"

"What diet?"



And why are you surprised it's only gotten worse?

The last I heard from you was you gave him an ultimatum.

We're really not doctors, but you seem to take no advice from anyone, but have come back to tell more. Why?

 

[Mrskate80]

This weekend was a good and peace filled weekend.
I had to work Saturday until 12, so he came over that morning and kept the kids.
After I got home from work he left, and his son from a previous marriage came over Sunday morning to visit for a bit.
He came over later around lunch and took the kids to his mom and dads house. My daughter is staying with her for a couple of days, and he brought our 7 month old son back around 6 that evening.
We had a long talk. A very honest talk. I told him I in no way wanted to argue about anything.
If he wants to be a father to his children then there are some things that if we are together or not he will have to change.
He said he did not want a divorce, and I told him that he was giving me no choice.
He said he wants to "start over". Oh, and Saturday night via text, I mentioned something about how I wanted to go to church Sunday, but I did not think I could because his mother would be there. He said he understood that, and I know that is something that I have got to work through, since she does not have a clue that I was spying on there convo...
He said that he wanted to start going to church also.
I went to see my lawyer today and I am going to file for a marriage separation. He says he wants to start over, well I don't see any better start than that right there.
I think he will be mad, at first, but he will have to deal with how he feels, not me.
Please keep praying for us.
I do love my husband very much, but I will not allow him back in our home right now.
I feel this will take a good long time to heal if it going to.
Hopefully I can get him to talk to the preacher with me sometime soon.

 

[DerVille]

Good.

I think you've definitely reached that "words are cheap, show me with deeds" phase. He can say whatever he wants, I'd stay leery and keep my distance for my own safety. If what he says is true and if he is able to follow through with what he says, make him show you first and win you back with his changed life....not with promises and how he'll change. Only God can change him and deliver him from all of this so if he "behaves" for a few weeks but you can't see a spiritual change in him and detect him drawing closer to God than I'd expect him to relapse. God has to be at the center of his change and if you can tell it is not, any change will probably only be temporary. Just things to consider.

 

[Mrskate80]

"Doctor, Doctor, I need help. I'm very overweight. I can't pee, but I'm always thirsty. I'm forever tired, and my eyesight is going quickly."

"Sounds like diabetes. Get a blood test, cut out most carbs -- sugar and flour, stay on a 1500 calories a day diet, and come back in a month when the blood test comes back."

Three months later.

"Doctor, doctor, it's much worse. I've gained 15 pounds, cannot drink enough, but haven't peed in days, I could barely stay awake to come here, and I now need a white cane."

"I don't know what happened. I never got the results from the blood test."

"Oh, I never got one."

"And the diet?"

"What diet?"



And why are you surprised it's only gotten worse?

The last I heard from you was you gave him an ultimatum.

We're really not doctors, but you seem to take no advice from anyone, but have come back to tell more. Why?

um yeah I didn't agree with the last advise you gave me ( see my response above)
And how do you get that have not followed through with what I said I was going to do?
He moved out and I am seeking legal advise.....

If you don't have anything productive to say, pls go find another thread

 

[Jessie_1]

Hello Everyone!
I'm just gonna get right into it. I am a christian, my husband IMO isn't. I got married at 18, my husband was 23. When my husband and I dated I began straying away from God & did so for several years. My husband smoked weed heavily, & at first I did too. But as the years passed I repented and, although defiantly not perfect, my relationship with Christ has grown stronger the more I seek him. My problem is that my husband & I have been struggling since the birth of my daughter 7 years ago. He continued to smoke weed on a daily basis. He grew up around it. He started doing it as an early teen. Honestly, I did not even think when we got married that this would be something that a responsible adult with children would continue to do. I never asked him to abruptly stop at first. I simply put my foot down & said not in this house. Then we had our daughter, & I asked him to stop. Long story short throughout the 7 years I have found it many times,usually hidden in his truck. He has lost jobs,maybe not for weed, but he would have to wait until he was clean to go try to get another job. Over and over again its the same thing. I find it, he promises to stop. Now he just lies to me. Lies about doing it, Lies about where he is. He will say I am going to do "A" which should take about an hour & will come home 3 hours later, & he has been at his buddies house doing it. LIES all the time to me about it. We have had another child, he is 4 months old. Last month, my husband was cleaning out my daughters club house, said he was going to ride down the road to take some stuff off. Came home 2 hours later & was high. He had went by his friends house. The week after that my 4 month old got put in hospital for strep. I could see that my husband had messaged one of his dope head friends while I was staying in the hospital with my son. I found a pipe in his backpack that was in my car after he had taken my daughter to school. After getting home from the hospital I confronted him about it, & told him this was it. If he didn't stop he would have to leave. I made him take a drug test, which he passed & was very happy about, b/c he thinks I should get over it since he doesn't do it every day. The weekend after that (easter weekend) we were planning on going to my families out of state. He was off Friday, I come home to nothing been done all day while I was at work & I had to pack for me, & my 2 kids. I wasn't happy, & we got into a huge fight. He ended up not going with us, & while I was gone he & his mother talked so bad about me. How I dont appreciate him & I am unthankful! He also hung out with his dope head friend & got high i am sure b/c thats what they do. I know all this because ( I know this is going to sound CRA CRA) I installed spyware on his phone. I know, I hate it, but when you have been lied to like I have you will do anything to find the truth!! Please dont judge that! Oh, and while I was pregnant there was porn use. I was terribly hurt, and angry. He said he would stop, & I just found where he was looking at some more last week. I have asked him to go to counciling with me and he doesn't want to do that. He just wants me to give him another chance & "trust him"! HA! my struggle is that I dont want to divorce on unbiblical grounds. I asked him to leave and he wont. I cant leave, my family lives out of state and I have a job that I have been at for 10 years & daughter is in school. Please I am open to any advice. I am just so tired, I am numb inside, I can't even hurt anymore.....

The advice is simple to give, easy to say, yet... difficult to take. Until you and your children are HIS priorities, things will not change unless HE WANTS them to. Some say, "all you can do is pray"... but the very best thing to do IS pray and release him to God who is the only One who can change his heart. ~ My prayers for you are for peace... "soul peace" as only God can give. I pray God's love surround and permeate your children and protect them from the imminent pain and confusion ...

 

[Depleted]

um yeah I didn't agree with the last advise you gave me ( see my response above)
And how do you get that have not followed through with what I said I was going to do?
He moved out and I am seeking legal advise.....

If you don't have anything productive to say, pls go find another thread

Of course you didn't. However you got advice straight across the board. Nothing was missing, so you were free to select a little from Column A and some from Column B with a side of Column C, yet still... nothing! You didn't even follow through on your own ultimatum.

So, exactly why are you here? Because it looks like you're here to gossip about everyone in your family and get a couple of, "aww, poor girl" from anyone stumbling onto this post.

I had plenty of productive to say, and I said it. It's three months later and you're still doing nothing, including "Desperate for marriage advice!"

You took none, so apparently not desperate yet.

 

[Thehappymom]

Old to soon, smart to late.

True; I totally agree

 

[DerVille]

"Doctor, Doctor, I need help. I'm very overweight. I can't pee, but I'm always thirsty. I'm forever tired, and my eyesight is going quickly."

"Sounds like diabetes. Get a blood test, cut out most carbs -- sugar and flour, stay on a 1500 calories a day diet, and come back in a month when the blood test comes back."

Three months later.

"Doctor, doctor, it's much worse. I've gained 15 pounds, cannot drink enough, but haven't peed in days, I could barely stay awake to come here, and I now need a white cane."

"I don't know what happened. I never got the results from the blood test."

"Oh, I never got one."

"And the diet?"

"What diet?"



And why are you surprised it's only gotten worse?

The last I heard from you was you gave him an ultimatum.

We're really not doctors, but you seem to take no advice from anyone, but have come back to tell more. Why?

Wow, what a sarcastic, belittling tone.

 

[Pattydear]

Sorry ms.kate..I too am in similar circumstance!!! I have been with same guy 16 years and he has promised me he would marry me...he has had various addictions, gambling, drugs, porn..

 

[Pattydear]

We moved to hawaii, left everything n he has continued his lying, drugs, staying out all night, contributing little to household...but, says he loves me n wants me to stay!!!

 

[Pattydear]

I have no friends or family here, and I have fibromyalgia. I have been in shock from the things I have let him do and know that I can't contnue..i am miserable, lonely, and need h elp

 

[Pattydear]

I can sympathize with Kate, we know deep down what is best for us, but as women we believe we are because of course in garden to be united with our mates, and sometimes the head games they play, make you feel like your the crazy one.

 

[Pattydear]

Thank you Nicole for answering my thread. My son is grown and lives on his own...So it's just me. His mom won't accept that information from me. She was physically abusive and caused sexual abuse to husband when growing up. He told me he relived his childhood since we have been here. She wants him as surrogate husband so she won't accept anyone he loves. She sent him away at 19 because he fell in love n wanted to marry someone else. I have family on mainland if I have to leave but, I am older and it's not there problem or responsibility to take care of me. I have been praying as what to do, I wanted to run away on daily basis for whole time we have been here. The Lord is good and I feel more in awe of how he loves us because how often we were not appreciative of his care and he loves us just the same. I have a chronic health condition...and don't know where to go as I would have to start all over again...I am thankful to have someone to talk to, as it has been very lonely here. God bless you for taking time out of your day to answer a perfect stranger! God bless you....