Didn't want to see it in Streams? The Charcoal Thread

[Charcoal]

Ok, so I am slapping this stuff up here in case no one wants to see it in streams. Frankly, if you don't want to hear about this side of my life, That's Cool. I feel like posting about it. Over Here you can more readily ignore it and perhaps get less sick of me, LOLz.

 

[Charcoal]

Yeah, yall can totally not read this, it's ok. I don't care, I'm posting it anyway.

So, I kinda get the feeling that when she texted me back saying, "You make me so incredibly happy " that she is ready for me to say that I love her. Honestly, as much as I look forward to doing this, it's uber scary for me. I guess it should be, right? I mean, it feels right, but its my suspicion that because everything seems so perfect that I would have much regret if I messed things up by moving too fast. I want to wait and not rush anything. Anything. I also want her to know how much those words mean when I say them. It's not like this is a first relationship for either of us. Choosing to move slow. I really think it's the best thing in the long run.

(the beginning, moved from Streams)
For the record, I've gotten no hate mail over this, but I know that sometimes other people's relationship stuff can be the best soap opera ever and other times it's more like the worst car insurance add combined with a bottle of ipecac.

 

[Charcoal]

I think this would be a great thread (a.k.a., When is it ok to say i love you?). In my opinion it sounds like you might still have some reservations about committing (besides just the fear of committing). There's always a 'window' where its not too late and not too early to commit, but if you still have doubts then its probably still too early.

Sometimes one has reservations about it because of something they see in themselves too, not always just something about the other person. Its definitely a head scratcher. It could also be that maybe you two haven't been through enough enough experiences for you to know enough about how she would handle things. Just my thoughts...

Fo Serious. This would be a good thread... Heh, yall can derail THIS thread to have that going on right up in here. Do It.

Yeah, I do have some reservations. The reservations I have, however, have much less to do with HER and more to do with the fact that my prior marriage ended in divorce. I might explore that more in a later post. Or ask me questions about it. Or post a picture of ipecac. Whatever.

 

[JesusLives]

Originally Posted by Charcoal Yeah, yall can totally not read this, it's ok. I don't care, I'm posting it anyway.

So, I kinda get the feeling that when she texted me back saying, "You make me so incredibly happy " that she is ready for me to say that I love her. Honestly, as much as I look forward to doing this, it's uber scary for me. I guess it should be, right? I mean, it feels right, but its my suspicion that because everything seems so perfect that I would have much regret if I messed things up by moving too fast. I want to wait and not rush anything. Anything. I also want her to know how much those words mean when I say them. It's not like this is a first relationship for either of us. Choosing to move slow. I really think it's the best thing in the long run.

(the beginning, moved from Streams)
For the record, I've gotten no hate mail over this, but I know that sometimes other people's relationship stuff can be the best soap opera ever and other times it's more like the worst car insurance add combined with a bottle of ipecac.

I agree with you and tourist knows that I would not say those words until I really meant them...Saying I love you are words that should never be thrown around lightly. They really should mean something when spoken and not the mushy, gushy stuff that we sometimes like to play with. Real love is 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 kind of love....The kind that will take care of a dying wife for years.... The kind that can agree to disagree. Stay up late with sickness and go to work anyway..... The kind that can admit when you have been wrong and say I'm sorry....

You are right to not say those words until you mean them....I am with you in that kind of thinking.

 

[JesusLives]

When I first saw the thread title I thought oh goody Charcoal....cookouts and a whole lot of grilling going on.....Steak anyone? But I did give you my serious Blond answer/ideas on your post. I agree with you on that....

However, with your user name grilling is not a bad idea and makes me want to go out and get some of those steaks and bake some potatoes.....with a nice salad.....Tourist I think I know what is for dinner.....

 

[Charcoal]

Slow is a good thing. You don't want to say it just because you feel like she wants you to. Wait until it feels comfortable and natural for you. You're right... the longer you wait, the more it's going to mean to her. Plus, once you speed the train up, it's hard to slow it down.

Congratulations on finding a sweetheart though!

Last night I could hear the train trying to build steam, and your advice echoed in my ear, and I kept things slow. Well, sort of.
Last night I wanted to tell her I love her, wanted it for me. But it didn't seem the right time. She'd had to stay in and cancel that ice cream cone I owed her until later so we were on the phone. I don't want to say that for the first time over the phone... it seems... like... trying to play it safe. I want those words to be a bold and tender declaration that we can both remember fondly for years to come.


As for the Sort Of...
We had the Define the Relationship Conversation, volume II.
Wait what? A Volume II?!? That's Right... You see her son (7 months older than mine... they'd be like Irish Twins...points to anyone that can explain that term without the google!) started asking her some very direct questions last night when they were waiting to meet his dad for the whole visitation exchange (Thumbs up to anyone else dealing with visitation!). So while we were comfortable with the status, course and lack of much labeling on the situation - as per Vol. I conversation - we needed to talk about What To Tell The Kids When.... as well as what to tell people that we know in common, and other such situations.
As part of the Vol. II we discussed how it is Completely premature to be entertaining such thoughts, but each confessed to entertaining thoughts of this becoming a permanent thing. (Is that wedding bells in the distant future or just another earthquake?) It was a risky thing to discuss. But, the outcome of it was that we agreed to a reasonable timeline for which it could be considered a possibility. We've both had those thoughts, and now we can let that held breath out knowing that the other feels that way, too, while still responsibly taking our time to get to know one another. Because we've pinned that out there on a distant, non-specific date in time (at least a year of dating, minimum) the pressure is off. I seriously think this could be God giving back the years that the locusts have eaten (Chapter and verse anyone?), but now feel like we can test the situation to be sure and wait to make sure that no one turns into a werewolf once a year or something.

 

[Lynx]

You haven't received any hate mail yet? Odd... The trolls must be slacking off. Good help is so hard to find, even in troll-dom.

I could send you some if you want, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing. No practice.

 

[Jullianna]

Never say "I love you" for someone else's reasons or when they are ready. Say it when you are ready and when you truly mean it.

 

[Charcoal]

Bro, here are two tips for you from a bear like myself -

1) You gotta play it cool. Nothing suits a woman better than her man playing it cool. And mix it up with some cool moves. That will make an impression on any woman, even if there are any awkward moments. Check out my cousin brother here -

2) The worst you can ever do is to behave like a cookie monster when he sees a cookie. That's a red flag. Never.Ever.Do.That. If you are not sure how much is too much, give yourself a reality check by watching this video.

[video=youtube;I5e6ftNpGsU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5e6ftNpGsU[/video]

As you should have realized by now, women are not cookies. So if you suffocate her or if you are too fast, she may run away. Give her time. Like I said earlier, play it cool homie.




I don't agree with what ZT said. I always recommend travelling with prior reservation or else you may get fined/booted out. I Googled for reservation sites that are available in US. Here are the ones I could find. Please check if they have the options you are looking for.

KAYAK - Cheap Flights, Hotels, Airline Tickets, Cheap Tickets, Cheap Travel Deals - Compare Hundreds of Travel Sites At Once

Expedia Travel: Vacations, Cheap Flights, Airline Tickets & Airfares

I wish you good luck, my brother. I pray that God takes charge of the relationship that is blossoming between you two.

Brother Bear.... I love you and your madcap antics. However, with my x-ray specs I can Totally see through you and know that underneath that fun lovin fur, you are Still Amazing.
The cookie monster metaphor is Awesome. It *really* frames it up in Bro to Bro lingo, while saying a whole lot.
The travel jokes about reservations...I bet some folks are Still thinking, "Oh this is a cultural difference that someone needs to explain to da Bear." Subtle like a ninja. Rock so hard you could cut glass on the way out the door when you cut class.

CC has some great peeps.

Lynx was right, though... he needed a hole in the back of the mouth, possibly with a high power shop vac sucking down the cookies as best it could.

 

[Charcoal]

Never say "I love you" for someone else's reasons or when they are ready. Say it when you are ready and when you truly mean it.

So dead right, that's a full clip, center cluster, Miss Jullianna.
(for the record, I was on board with that before I'd posted yesterday about the text message.)

If I might be so bold (foolish?) to attempt to add to that sage wisdom:
Never say "I love you" BECAUSE it was said to you.

 

[tourist]

Whatever you are contemplating I wish you well. I was burned badly too many years ago. One daughter, now 35 years old. Ex put me through years of hell trying to maintain a relationship with my daughter. Lots of child support and yet constant threats of jail. I waited 18 years between marriages. I was not always the playful fun loving guy that I portray myself to be on this site. I will say this, when God provides your heart's desire it is a wondrous experience. I offer two words of counsel, fear not.

 

[Fenner]

So dead right, that's a full clip, center cluster, Miss Jullianna.
(for the record, I was on board with that before I'd posted yesterday about the text message.)

If I might be so bold (foolish?) to attempt to add to that sage wisdom:
Never say "I love you" BECAUSE it was said to you.

I had this happen to me once, only once, it's not like I had men dropping at my feet and falling for me. I dated this nice guy and he said , I love you, and I responded with, thank you. Later he told me that was like a punch in the gut and I felt horrible, but I did ask him if he wanted me to mean it or just say it? Eventually I did say it and mean it. I didn't marry him.

I married someone else who when he said, I love you, it was so natural and I loved him too. It was like common sense, yes I love you, duh.

 

[Tintin]

Never say "I love you" for someone else's reasons or when they are ready. Say it when you are ready and when you truly mean it.

True, true. Arlene told me fairly early on that she loved me but I wasn't ready at the time. A couple weeks later I was, I told her I felt the same, and it felt so right. (But saying it in person is SO much better!

 

[tourist]

When I first saw the thread title I thought oh goody Charcoal....cookouts and a whole lot of grilling going on.....Steak anyone? But I did give you my serious Blond answer/ideas on your post. I agree with you on that....

However, with your user name grilling is not a bad idea and makes me want to go out and get some of those steaks and bake some potatoes.....with a nice salad.....Tourist I think I know what is for dinner.....

...no, we had that the other day.

 

[tourist]

True, true. Arlene told me fairly early on that she loved me but I wasn't ready at the time. A couple weeks later I was, I told her I felt the same, and it felt so right. (But saying it in person is SO much better!

How true. Everything is better in person.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I don't see what the big deal is really. If you really feel love for someone, tell them. It's not a binding contract. Just make sure there's at least an 80% chance they'll say the same otherwise you'll probably feel like a fool.

 

[Ho11y]

I'm not sure how her saying, you make me happy, is an indication she wants you to tell her you love her. Could you be over complicating this?

 

[Roh_Chris]

Brother Bear.... I love you and your madcap antics. However, with my x-ray specs I can Totally see through you and know that underneath that fun lovin fur, you are Still Amazing.

You touched a nerve, mate.
*Holds his chest dramatically*

Here are some points you may want to think about -

1. What I 'glean' (this is an over-used word on CC today ) from your posts about her is that she wants to minimize the losses in case this relationship does not work out. It does not mean that she is looking for her escape hatch. She believes you are worth her time and effort but she wants to keep her feet on the ground.

In my opinion, this is good. And it's great to know that you are willing to move at her pace without rushing her into things. If the 'difficult' topics are being discussed at the first, then you guys are going down the right path. You both are no more in your teens now. You have far more responsibilities now and you both have had your hearts & dreams crushed numerous times. At this stage in your lives it is safer to keep your feet on the ground, clear out all the 'difficult' topics before you can take this relationship to the next level.


2. It seems to me that you really love her. Or at least you like her very strongly. But I agree with what Grace said. You have to slow down. There is nothing wrong in saying what you feel about her. But this is a relationship between two people. It could unsettle things if you don't slow down. Either she may reciprocate and your relationship may speed up or it may open up some unpleasant memories for her and she may clam up. Give her all the space and time that she needs to open up to you. That will add to her confidence and respect for you.


Make no assumptions about her feelings for you. If a woman tells you that you make her incredible happy it does mean that she likes you at least as a platonic friend. And if she wants to talk about kids and the other 'difficult' topics it means that she wants to see how this works out. So hang in there.

3. You cannot take her 'for granted'. You have to be at your best every moment that you spend with her. I am not referring to the comfort level, but I am referring to the way you express your love and affection for her. You have to 'be yourself' and still be 'at your best'.


4. Last but not least, a relationship is like a high-jump event. The bar will only keep rising. It will never come down. Before you plan a surprise for her think whether you can keep at this level (if not exceed it). Make sure that she is worth your time and effort not just today but every day for as long as the relationship lasts. Don't let this deter you from planning those 'take-your-breath-away' surprises.

I'm happy for you. And I hope that God works out whatever He has planned for you. God bless you brother!

 

[Charcoal]

I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet, as I just walked in the door from this weekend's church retreat. (It was a WINDY day to be driving a 15 passenger van and I am a little bit tired from doing a good bit of that...and a lot tired from only sleeping two hours last night.)
*I want to reply to your posts, I will at a later time.*

She was raised in a different denomination than I, and currently attends a third. (I grew up with one thing, went my own way for years, and eventually came back to going to church Somewhere before landing back at the same type denomination as what I was raised in.) Tonight she is coming to church with me. <Happy Dance> Over the weekend, as we talked on the phone, I was about to say something about how I felt that it is important that I start from the beginning with being active in the role of spiritual leader. She, however, finished my sentence for me, in a way other than I intended, and revealed that if this was to become something lasting, long term, or even Permanent... That her assumption is that She should attend church where I go.
Woh...
Yeah.

This totally takes the wind out of the sails of that "dating outside your denomination" thread, or at least as it directly pertains to my life at this moment.

In other news, I have a rose bush. It's at the end of my sidewalk. It's old. I rarely think to do any with it. I've been watching it develop a new bud. Saturday morning as I left out, the bud was in perfect bloom. It was the Optimal time to cut it, so I grabbed my hand pruners, harvested the rose, knocked the thorns off, and left it on her front door step bright and early Saturday. She's been enjoying it since.

Also, her mom happened to be there when the rose was discovered, and this further cemented her mother's good opinion of me.

Well, I'm gonna run change for evening service. Yeah... I like to do church 3-4 times a week, depending on how you count things.

 

[Charcoal]

True, true. Arlene told me fairly early on that she loved me but I wasn't ready at the time. A couple weeks later I was, I told her I felt the same, and it felt so right. (But saying it in person is SO much better!

I'd love to hear more on this...and to have Arlene weigh in on what it was like to say it first, but to have to wait to hear it back.
...but don't feel like your lives have to be on display for my sake.