Good mother or bad mother or just a human?

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zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
113
#21
I told him that I accept his decision. He said that was not enough, because he claims it wasn't a decision to make.
But accepting his decision isn't the same as accepting him for who he is. I meant to accept him and love him as you would if he was straight, and to let him know this. Right now he probably thinks that you despise him for what he is... and even if you do, I'm saying to stop despising him and just give him the love and acceptance that he wants from you.
 
T

toinena

Guest
#22
But accepting his decision isn't the same as accepting him for who he is. I meant to accept him and love him as you would if he was straight, and to let him know this. Right now he probably thinks that you despise him for what he is... and even if you do, I'm saying to stop despising him and just give him the love and acceptance that he wants from you.
I understand what you are saying. And I want to. But I also have to stand firm on the Word of God. It would have been easier to just give in and embrace the sin, but that goes against what God has put on my heart. It sounds perhaps heartless. And sometimes I feel bad for that, especially because most of my friends IRL are not Christians. It is also the matter that the psychiatrist at the hospital denies to treat him, because they find no medical ground for being treated as transgender.
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
113
#23
I understand what you are saying. And I want to. But I also have to stand firm on the Word of God. It would have been easier to just give in and embrace the sin, but that goes against what God has put on my heart. It sounds perhaps heartless. And sometimes I feel bad for that, especially because most of my friends IRL are not Christians. It is also the matter that the psychiatrist at the hospital denies to treat him, because they find no medical ground for being treated as transgender.
I understand what you're saying too, but I'm sure that God won't condemn you for loving him. In fact, and this is just my thoughts, I think that if you show him this love that he wants from you it might be the thing that opens his eyes and makes him see that he doesn't really want to be transgender. Love conquers all. I truly believe it could heal him (but don't tell him that is the goal or he might reject your love)... If it is an evil force that is making him embrace this transgenderism, then love with drive it out of him. Remember.. God is LOVE.

I won't say anymore about it. I wish you the best, Toinena.
 
T

toinena

Guest
#24
I understand what you're saying too, but I'm sure that God won't condemn you for loving him. In fact, and this is just my thoughts, I think that if you show him this love that he wants from you it might be the thing that opens his eyes and makes him see that he doesn't really want to be transgender. Love conquers all. I truly believe it could heal him (but don't tell him that is the goal or he might reject your love)... If it is an evil force that is making him embrace this transgenderism, then love with drive it out of him. Remember.. God is LOVE.

I won't say anymore about it. I wish you the best, Toinena.
I do love him. But I also fear him. It is too easy to say just love him and all will be fine. This doesn't have a quick fix.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#25
The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have been exhausted from travelling, the last long days at work before the Summer, my Summer job... and my son.

Some of you know that I am disabled. Some of you know I am divorced from a violent marriage. Some of you know I have a son that is transgender and has Asperger's.

Three years ago he tried to attack me while I was in defenseless in bed. First he tore my Bible in pieces. Then took my phone and control to my bed (it is a "hospital bed" with powered lift). Then he pulled out and lit a match. I just closed my eyes and prayed. I was not hurt but terrified. I thought my life was ending that moment. He was then 15. Now 18. He has refused treatment, but wants a gender change operation. Something he doesn't get, because he is not really qualified to be transgender medically.

The social services took him after Christmas that Winter and placed him in a group home for teenagers. There were no qualified medical staff, only social workers. And they supported him in everything. He wasn't a girl then, but wanted to be gender neutral. The girl phase came almost a year later. He has changed his legal gender and is now officially a girl.

He knows I am against it and of course blame Christianity for intolerance. He even claimed the Satanic Bible to be the thing to believe in.

I haven't seen him for almost 2 years. He has refused me to go to his concerts or graduation. Then. Last week he called me and said he was coming the next day. I told him it was not the right time, but he insisted. He was there when I came home after a long day at work. And he told me to rejoice. "You have got the daughter you dreamt of! We should celebrate! Can I have some wine or champagne?"

And I was stunned. All the traumas came back. All the desperation of not getting help. All the fear and uneasiness.

I have used the time to build myself a life. I feel the house is filled with the Holy Spirit and it is a good place to worship and pray. My life and psyche is getting better. Until Thursday. I felt everything just slipping away. And I found myself thinking "I don't want that person in my life!"

My mother said I should embrace him. His father said this doesn't end well. And my friends said you need to protect yourself.

Getting a restraining order is perhaps necessary, but then I feel like a lousy mother.

It is impossible for most of you to relate to this. I know. It is overwhelming. But I still want to know if people have experienced violent kids. Felt threatened by them. Or have conflicts due to transgenderism.

And I do appreciate prayers.
You are certainly not a bad mother. I believe that it is best at this time, due to your son's physical and mental condition to distance yourself from him.

My late wife had a very difficult adult son who, despite the love and support I gave on a continual basis, refused to get a job, pick up after himself, or even help out a little at home. He used to badger my late wife for her pain meds as if he had a right to them because he was her son. . My wife spent the last 18 months of her life in a nursing home while I continued to support (enable) her son. After working a long hard day I would come home to a trashed home, with pot smoke in the air, beer cans on the floor and rap music blaring. I finally got evicted because of his antics.

When she died he asked me what are we going to do. I told him that I don't know what he is going to do but I was going to Florida (from Maine) to be with my family. I gave him some money, hopped on the bus and never looked back. I hated to leave him like that but he had years to prepare to do the things a man has to do and not continue to sponge from his mother and myself.

Yes, by all means, consider getting a restraining order. Perhaps in a few years he will settle down, despite any physical changes that were medically induced. Until then, you have to protect your sanity and well-being. My advice is to pray for him but let him go before he destroys the already hard life that you have. You definitely deserve much better.

Cut him loose, now. Let go and let God.

Prayer said.
 

OstrichSmiling

Well-known member
Jun 17, 2018
1,027
418
83
#26
The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have been exhausted from travelling, the last long days at work before the Summer, my Summer job... and my son.

Some of you know that I am disabled. Some of you know I am divorced from a violent marriage. Some of you know I have a son that is transgender and has Asperger's.

Three years ago he tried to attack me while I was in defenseless in bed. First he tore my Bible in pieces. Then took my phone and control to my bed (it is a "hospital bed" with powered lift). Then he pulled out and lit a match. I just closed my eyes and prayed. I was not hurt but terrified. I thought my life was ending that moment. He was then 15. Now 18. He has refused treatment, but wants a gender change operation. Something he doesn't get, because he is not really qualified to be transgender medically.

The social services took him after Christmas that Winter and placed him in a group home for teenagers. There were no qualified medical staff, only social workers. And they supported him in everything. He wasn't a girl then, but wanted to be gender neutral. The girl phase came almost a year later. He has changed his legal gender and is now officially a girl.

He knows I am against it and of course blame Christianity for intolerance. He even claimed the Satanic Bible to be the thing to believe in.

I haven't seen him for almost 2 years. He has refused me to go to his concerts or graduation. Then. Last week he called me and said he was coming the next day. I told him it was not the right time, but he insisted. He was there when I came home after a long day at work. And he told me to rejoice. "You have got the daughter you dreamt of! We should celebrate! Can I have some wine or champagne?"

And I was stunned. All the traumas came back. All the desperation of not getting help. All the fear and uneasiness.

I have used the time to build myself a life. I feel the house is filled with the Holy Spirit and it is a good place to worship and pray. My life and psyche is getting better. Until Thursday. I felt everything just slipping away. And I found myself thinking "I don't want that person in my life!"

My mother said I should embrace him. His father said this doesn't end well. And my friends said you need to protect yourself.

Getting a restraining order is perhaps necessary, but then I feel like a lousy mother.

It is impossible for most of you to relate to this. I know. It is overwhelming. But I still want to know if people have experienced violent kids. Felt threatened by them. Or have conflicts due to transgenderism.

And I do appreciate prayers.
He's dangerous and mentally unwell. He's also an adult. Your mother doesn't have to live with someone who tried to kill her. Go with your first thought. "I don't want that person in my life."
We pray and yet when God answers in that way we're not sure. I would say that thought is God's message. Your house is holy spirit filled and you feel safe there after these two years. Your sons violence is not normal. He tore a Bible apart. He turns himself into a girl, he thinks, and then after two years in a group home you have no clue as to how he fared there, he's back? Saying now you have the daughter you always wanted? Blaming you is what that is. Blaming you for his feeling emasculated.

Is he living with you now? Get away! If you can work with your disability you can get away. Get him out of your life because this isn't going to end well at all.
If he is living with you now ask yourself if you feel safe going unconscious, to sleep, with him in the house? After he thought to try to set you on fire not that many years ago.
You don't want him trying to harm you again. He may get it right this time and we'll never know how you are because you'll be dead. Your son is no longer in what plagues you now. Don't feel like a bad mom. Because your son isn't there. Feel instead like you deserve to live. And get that person out of your life. And house, if God forbid, he is there living with you now.
If he is there this is key given his violent past. Don't try to get him out when it is just the two of you. Have backup. More than one person and make sure they're male. Then get him out of there and have the police there with you at the time. A restraining order isn't worth the paper it is printed on when it comes to keeping a violent mentally unstable person from doing harm.
What a restraining order does is show after the fact that you, the victim, had every lawful intention and went to every lawful avenue available, to extricate a threat from your life.
If you have a restraining order he knows he's not allowed within so many feet of you. The bad thing about those orders is, if you move and renew that order, he has the right to know where you move to. So that he knows where to stay away from.
I know. But that's how they work.

Change your locks if you kick him out. (That's if he's living there now). Invest in home security alarms so that you have a heads up if he breaks in. Put a lock on your bedroom door that can't be accessed from the outside hall. This doesn't mean he can't kick it in.
Do you know how to use a gun? If you're afraid of guns try pepper spray canister. Actually, a great deterrent stronger than that is bear spray. It repels grizzly bears. That's some powerful stuff.

Forget he's your son. He's not. That person isn't in that body now. What that person has shown you years ago and then you got him out of the house into a group home and now he's back? Is a dangerous person who wants payback. "Now you have the daughter you always wanted?"
That scares me. And I don't know you.

God be with you.
You are in my prayers.
 
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,972
113
#27
we all are under the demonic influences of this evil, fallen world until Jesus Christ
calls us out - we can only truly understand/see, and accept this when we are able to
see our experiences in both worlds, old then new'...

praying for you both sis...
 

10-four

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2017
157
72
28
#28
The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have been exhausted from travelling, the last long days at work before the Summer, my Summer job... and my son.

Some of you know that I am disabled. Some of you know I am divorced from a violent marriage. Some of you know I have a son that is transgender and has Asperger's.

Three years ago he tried to attack me while I was in defenseless in bed. First he tore my Bible in pieces. Then took my phone and control to my bed (it is a "hospital bed" with powered lift). Then he pulled out and lit a match. I just closed my eyes and prayed. I was not hurt but terrified. I thought my life was ending that moment. He was then 15. Now 18. He has refused treatment, but wants a gender change operation. Something he doesn't get, because he is not really qualified to be transgender medically.

The social services took him after Christmas that Winter and placed him in a group home for teenagers. There were no qualified medical staff, only social workers. And they supported him in everything. He wasn't a girl then, but wanted to be gender neutral. The girl phase came almost a year later. He has changed his legal gender and is now officially a girl.

He knows I am against it and of course blame Christianity for intolerance. He even claimed the Satanic Bible to be the thing to believe in.

I haven't seen him for almost 2 years. He has refused me to go to his concerts or graduation. Then. Last week he called me and said he was coming the next day. I told him it was not the right time, but he insisted. He was there when I came home after a long day at work. And he told me to rejoice. "You have got the daughter you dreamt of! We should celebrate! Can I have some wine or champagne?"

And I was stunned. All the traumas came back. All the desperation of not getting help. All the fear and uneasiness.

I have used the time to build myself a life. I feel the house is filled with the Holy Spirit and it is a good place to worship and pray. My life and psyche is getting better. Until Thursday. I felt everything just slipping away. And I found myself thinking "I don't want that person in my life!"

My mother said I should embrace him. His father said this doesn't end well. And my friends said you need to protect yourself.

Getting a restraining order is perhaps necessary, but then I feel like a lousy mother.

It is impossible for most of you to relate to this. I know. It is overwhelming. But I still want to know if people have experienced violent kids. Felt threatened by them. Or have conflicts due to transgenderism.

And I do appreciate prayers.
You've described a tense situation.

It might be best not to let him move back home.

Prayers.