He says that he will leave if I don't support him and his children financially.....

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It reminds me of a recent poster who was trying every which way but Sunday to justify being involved with a married man............just saying. :D
 
You deserve a good man not to wait on one to be one..

The last guy I dealt with had the same character. He looked amazing. Was funny. Intelligent. Never did anything for me that cost him something. Would call me to hang out and make it sound like he wanted to spend time with me. We'd get out and surely he enjoyed himself going around talking to others and leave me where I was. I got accosted if I found someone to talk to bc it made him look bad. Said all these nice things and when I welled up with admiration, he took advantage. When I'd call him on it he'd say "you just exposed your agenda, you're here to get for yourself".. actually I wanted His actions to correspond with his words.. He flipped it on me every time..

I thought if he gets it together I'll regret leaving. Someone will enjoy what I love about him bc I left and didn't have to..

I could go on. Bottom line, you deserve and will find better.
The "catch" is hard to let go of bc he would be perfect if..
Sorry you're caught.. it's up to you no talk either way can help.
 
relatiosnhipdrama said:
The problem is this is my real life. My real concerns and struggles. Just because I sound weak doesn't mean I'm not real.

Apparently you have never been in a relationship like this...if you had..you might understand. You want love. You Want the person you first fell for. And when they surface again amidst the drama...you want to believe they are still there.
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You want the man and his "love" more than God...until you see that as an issue, you will stay in a trap.

Joint account means you can drive to the bank and withdraw all the money and leave.

Pack what you want in your car while he is at work and just leave.
 
This will sound like a broken record but leave. If you have a friend you can stay with Great if not then find a woman's shelter to stay in until you get paid again. I don't know if you're trolling or not but just leave.
 
You have let him walk all over you. Let him go, one less mouth to feed
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It can be very difficult especially when we love those who are not treating us right.

You deserve what God said in His Word - the man love his wife as Christ loved the church. It does not seem at all this man is laying down his life for you. (I realize we as women need to do our part too) but for the man in the leadership role, this sounds more on the abusive side.

Here is a link from Focus on the Family in regard to emotional abuse:

FAQs About Emotional Abuse | Focus on the Family


One thing to consider - will he go to Christian counsel with you? Together as a couple? You don't have to answer here, but is something to think about, if he'll go. It's something that could only help both of you and grow your relationship closer to God.

I pray for your protection, in the Name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.
 
I didn't read this before my last post, that he is going to a therapist. How about Christian counseling together? It could only help both of you. (If you decide to continue in this relationship)
 
I don't think he will do that. He has said he would....but his response is always I can't WAIT for this therapist to tell you how crazy you are. So I believe doing therapy with him will be helpful in any way. He will use it against me. He already does...

I am still here -- in this. I should NOT be. But, his step father just died and now he wants me to go to the funeral out of state with him. And I feel like I need to. Please tell me if i am wrong.

I am still suffering. Listen to this: Please tell me if this is anything close to normal. He was fairly quiet today. We had lunch. And after he left I looked up the bank account info to see if anyting was left in the account. (consdering leaving). I saw that he put a NOTE on the money that I deposited in the bank (that our accountant can see, as well). It was a 3800 dollar transfer I made last month. I had held onto the money about 3 days past my payday because we had been arguing and I was considering leaving THEN.

He put on the NOTE "MONEY (MY NAME) HELD ONTO FOR A WEEK BEFORE HANDING IT OVER"

I snapped a shot of that and sent it him and asked why that was necessary. He said he wanted to keep a record of all the times that I delayed in giving him my money and how I "play games" and he said the fact that I was calling him to even tell him this shows that I am a real problem, that I "want more trouble" and I want to "destroy our relationship" and he is not going to sit around and pretend I am not a problem.

THEN he told me if I didn't continue to give the money over to him...he would go back into last year's tax return -- amend it and change business deductions into HIS favor and make sure he gets a big refund and I am left with a tax bill. He said he was being 'kind' by giving me deductions and if I want to abuse that and hang onto any of my checks he will make sure he gets that switched around so he gets his money and I'm left with a bill.

I immediately emailed this info to my accountant. But, I can not believe he is going to this extent!
 
Okay. You have a JOINT account. That means YOU can go and take out YOUR money, leave his butt for good and move on. Sorry to be blunt, but you are being incredibly stupid to stay with him, KNOWING full well that he ONLY wants you for your MONEY.. Stop being his whipping girl. Stop being his ATM. Stop supporting him and his kids..

As far as going to the funeral with him, DO NOT GO. That would be the perfect time for you to leave him, while he's out of state and you have access to your money.
 
Here's the thing: I think that he really does want to be the provider. He was in the past. He wanted to "take care of me" and he was -- on his terms. But, the problem was I needed to work -- travel for work etc. I WANTED to work. He would follow me on work trips because he didn't want to 'be without me'. That cost money. A lot of money for him....so he started using it against me.

I know I sound like devils advocate here -- but this is my conflict. I know he truly wants to make money ...a lot of it...and spoil me. He has done that! but, the issue is he can't do it right now, so he wants to be in control 10000%.

But, he can't and he hates that I'm the one supporting everything -- so he wants to pretend like he is still in control.

The tax thing? Isn't that the worst ever? How could someone say that to someone who is giving there all? His response: I spent tens of thousnads of dollars following you around over the last 3 years -- for work etc. So, you owe me.

Leaving seems so hard. But, yes it is the right thing to do. I know it is..

relatiosnhipdrama said:
I don't think he will do that. He has said he would....but his response is always I can't WAIT for this therapist to tell you how crazy you are. So I believe doing therapy with him will be helpful in any way. He will use it against me. He already does...

I am still here -- in this. I should NOT be. But, his step father just died and now he wants me to go to the funeral out of state with him. And I feel like I need to. Please tell me if i am wrong.

I am still suffering. Listen to this: Please tell me if this is anything close to normal. He was fairly quiet today. We had lunch. And after he left I looked up the bank account info to see if anyting was left in the account. (consdering leaving). I saw that he put a NOTE on the money that I deposited in the bank (that our accountant can see, as well). It was a 3800 dollar transfer I made last month. I had held onto the money about 3 days past my payday because we had been arguing and I was considering leaving THEN.

He put on the NOTE "MONEY (MY NAME) HELD ONTO FOR A WEEK BEFORE HANDING IT OVER"

I snapped a shot of that and sent it him and asked why that was necessary. He said he wanted to keep a record of all the times that I delayed in giving him my money and how I "play games" and he said the fact that I was calling him to even tell him this shows that I am a real problem, that I "want more trouble" and I want to "destroy our relationship" and he is not going to sit around and pretend I am not a problem.

THEN he told me if I didn't continue to give the money over to him...he would go back into last year's tax return -- amend it and change business deductions into HIS favor and make sure he gets a big refund and I am left with a tax bill. He said he was being 'kind' by giving me deductions and if I want to abuse that and hang onto any of my checks he will make sure he gets that switched around so he gets his money and I'm left with a bill.

I immediately emailed this info to my accountant. But, I can not believe he is going to this extent!
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relatiosnhipdrama said:
Here's the thing: I think that he really does want to be the provider. He was in the past. He wanted to "take care of me" and he was -- on his terms. But, the problem was I needed to work -- travel for work etc. I WANTED to work. He would follow me on work trips because he didn't want to 'be without me'. That cost money. A lot of money for him....so he started using it against me.

I know I sound like devils advocate here -- but this is my conflict. I know he truly wants to make money ...a lot of it...and spoil me. He has done that! but, the issue is he can't do it right now, so he wants to be in control 10000%.

But, he can't and he hates that I'm the one supporting everything -- so he wants to pretend like he is still in control.

The tax thing? Isn't that the worst ever? How could someone say that to someone who is giving there all? His response: I spent tens of thousnads of dollars following you around over the last 3 years -- for work etc. So, you owe me.

Leaving seems so hard. But, yes it is the right thing to do. I know it is..
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You love money and he loves money. This is what you get when you love money more than Christ.

You won't leave. You will endure great hardship on the promise of money in the future.

As long as your priorities remain money first your prospects of happiness will continue to elude you.

1Ti 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
Guy is controlling and his demand that you support him and his adult kids is unreasonable. I would take whatever money you can that belongs to you and just simply leave. If you don't you are setting up yourself for years of mental anguish and financial hardship. Ask yourself, what exactly is appealing to you in this relationship? This guy is in no hurry to marry you as that would only complicate your life. He much rather just squeeze everything he can out of you. Welcome to CC.
 
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Your relationship with this man is not healthy. The boundaries are messed up and he is stepping all over you. I read most of the comments and I did not see that anyone pointed out the most important thing here, you are not married to him. There is no commitment. There is no covenant relationship where he has promised to care for you emotionally, physically and financially. In fact, I believe you said that he would NOT marry you because he felt "Trapped". IMO that speaks volumes. He has no intention of caring for you.

Spouses do not hold the past over each other. They give freely and willingly. He wanted to be with you, he paid travel expenses to be with you, he chose to do that and you have no culpability there. It was his choice. The fact that he is holding that over you is his way of manipulating you and you are feeling guilty for something you are not responsible for. You are allowing him to manipulate you.

The first step is to move out now. Secure your financial standing. Let him know that things must be done in the right order in the right way for God's blessing. Living together without marriage does not bring the blessing of God. If he is not willing to cherish you, nurture you, care for your emotional state, than he really does not care for you. If you move forward and marry him, will he change? Will he put your needs before his and take care of you?

I am truly sorry for your situation. You have made some really seriously sad choices that have lead you to this place of struggle. It is not hopeless. You can make changes. Yes, change is hard and tough choices are hard. But we all have to make them. We have to get ourselves back on the right path where we can do things that please God and bring honor and respect to ourselves. I am praying for you to make that right choice. Be safe. Involved a couple of friends that can give you wise counsel. God never meant for us to walk this path alone.
 
1. Why are you living with a man you are not married to? This is sin, by any defintion in the Bible. If you love God, you will repent of your sin. That means moving out now.

2. You do not love this man. Love is kind, not controlling, and does not make you tremble in fear. You have been manipulated, enchanted, trapped by him. Read 1 Cor. 13 to see what love is.

3. This is CLASSIC ABUSE. He is controlling you and making demands and threats from day 1. Abuse can be emotional, financial, physical, spiritual. The only thing I see missing is the honeymoon stage, but maybe I missed it.

"Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, you can get the help you need."

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

Please call the police, and find out where a good shelter for abused women is. You need to find support, and to learn about the dynamics of abuse.

Most of the people on this thread recognize your relationship as abuse. What are you going to do about it?
 
I suggest that if you are a believer and you are living with a man and having sex with him while being unmarried, that you end that relationship now. Having sex while unmarried is fornication. You are pushing away God. Plus the love of money is the root of all evil, and you are seeing the results of that.
I suggest that you leave that relationship, hit your knees, and ask Jesus for forgiveness, if you are a believer. And then move forward.
 
relatiosnhipdrama said:
I am new here and feel very torn about by my relationship. I love my husband (I love the man he CAN be and HAS BEEN)


I am engaged to this man who has been married before. He’s 49 - I am 41. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage, one of whom is 22. The others are teenagers. He still pays 1750 a month in child support.


When we met he was making a lot of money. 300k. I changed professions and moved to be closer to him. I am back to making what I made when we met. 150k a year.


He pushed hard for me to move in with him — he has a house. He said if I didn’t move, he didn’t think he could take the long distance anymore. We lived a few hours away from each other.


He pressured hard and told me he was done with me if I would not just give in and move. I did. I quit my job and immediately had enough income to at least cover my bills.


As soon as I moved, he put me on the bank account but took all of my checks. He was very clear that since I was living in HIS house, he would be in control of the finances.


This made me very fearful and I began going back and forth on whether I could do this. I went back and begged for my job back but it didn’t work. I was acting so irrational during this time with my employer (due to my fiances’ demands) that I was not seen the way I used to be.


From there, I started in a personal downward spiral. It didn’t take long before I was able to get my business together and make a lot of cash again, but I was very scared and uncertain- as this was a new biz NOT the profession that I left.


Then, my fiance began getting upset if I had to work out of town at all. He literally called me and told me since I was 2 hours away, if I didn’t come home by dinner time, that he was done with me.


I freaked out and I got scared to come home. I was going to get a hotel room, but I learned he cut the credit card. I was forced to go home…


This was over a year ago. Since then, we have had many more issues…. but good times, as well.


However, now he lost his job and is starting a new business. He has business loans but is depending on my income to pay all the normal bills of the house. I can’t afford ALL of his bills, but I wouldn’t know. He will handle all the money.


I have been considering leaving (silently) and I haven’t deposited my check from Friday. He is on a war path and he told me that if I don’t become a “good partner” and “dependable with my money” that he will have to “take care of himself” and that could mean moving away to get a better job.


He said that he can’t deal with my “feelings anymore” and I better just figure out if I am in or if i am out.


I said, well, if I am supporting all this — I would like to be married. I am paying his mortgage, car, child support etc. He said no. He can’t marry me right now and my demands for marriage make him feel trapped and very concerned about my motivation to “trap him”.


I cried and said I can’t believe he would say this….He told me that my crying is manipulation and makes him want to run further from me.


We had this convo last night when I gently asked him if he had any idea of a wedding date/year? He blew up and said that most men want to come home to a soft/loving woman who wants to be sexy. Not ask a million questions and that he doesn’t want a mate like this — andI need to change my behavior.


He literally said — I am a strong force and I hope you know that if someone challenges me I will ALWAYS win.


Now, I believe he will be profitable with his business soon and I think a lot of what he’s saying is bluffing…because I have tried to leave him before and he BEGS (and bullies) me back. He literally has chased me as I was leaving.. before.


Now, he says he has no time for this and he can’t possibly deal with me like this any longer…and I better get the message fast.


In addition, he is adopted. He met his bio mom about 4 years ago…before he met me. HER husband (who he has met a couple of times) just died of cancer yesterday.


He feels it’s imperative that he attend the funeral and he wants me to go. I said okay. I know I will eventually have to pay the credit card bill, but okay…


He told me yesterday that his 22 year old daughter wants to attend this funeral too. She told my fiance that he should pay for her. He told her that I am paying for the trip because money is tight. Her response? She should pay for ME because at least I am family — she isn’t. I should go in her place.


I had a shocked look on my face when he said that to me…and he said “don’t look at me like that — you better back off because she is my daughter — and I told her she isn’t going, that you are because you are paying…” I said how about because you WANT me to go? He said that he couldn’t believe I said that — that he wouldn’t have invited me if he didn’t want me to go…


He said that his entire family has warned him that I am not going to help him for long and that they are very worried about him with him with me…. and that I have a lot to prove because our past issues…


I know none of this sounds good. Is there anything in here that I am at fault for? I am not perfect — but I also feel so sad about all of this.


He told me this morning that he is sick of fighting day and in and day out. I said I DO NOT FIGHT — he said well you start the fights because you have a question for everything…
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I am very sorry to be as abrupt as I will be but dear, YOU NEED TO LEAVE this idiot! HE is clearly manipulating you to suit his own selfish objectives. You obviously can care for yourself and DOES NOT need him....please do not allow your emotions to have you feeling like you need to remain in this a minute longer. ...plan your way out as fast as you can. You are not even married to him as yet and he is treating you like this, and his 22 year old is exactly like him, rude and spoilt! Get out of this mess! You will be fine and there are REAL men out there awaiting you.
 
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