How Can We Help, Prevent, and Stop the Abuse of Men in Relationships?

[JohnDB]

If women abuse men chances are they are abusive to everyone.

 

[notmyown]

Thank you for this very thoughtful post, NotMyOwn.

One of the greatest blessings I was ever given was a Godly (adoptive) father, and I try to make it a point to tell him (and my mom, who also adopted me) regularly how thankful I am for them and efforts and sacrifices they made to send me to Lutheran schools, regular church services and events, etc.

For as many conflicts as I've had while coming to terms with what I was reading in the Bible vs. what I was seeing carried out there, I know my parents and many of the people there worked hard to make sure I had a solid Biblical foundation, and I will always be grateful for that.

In my adult years, I've wrote a letter of gratitude to pastor there who was especially influential during my formative years, patiently trying to answer my endless streams of questions and caring for my classmates and myself as a spiritual father.

As you said, I think it's vitally important to let people know how important to their work has been in our lives and to reinforce their God-given abilities (a big part of the edification God tells us to give others.)

it is very important for all of us as God's children to afford dignity and respect to everyone we meet, as they're made in God's image. it's important to say thank you, as you do.
hope i didn't sound like men are in some way superior to women. they aren't, just as we're not superior to them. we're just different.

i was intrigued by this thread for a couple of reasons. as you know, one of our daughters works with the victims of domestic violence. like most things, it's a really complex issue, but it sure wouldn't hurt to treat everyone, from the newborn to the oldies, with value. if folks understood their inherent value as a human being, AND the value of every other person, would there be a little less DV?

my parents had 4 daughters in the 1950s and very early 1960s. dad never implied he wished at least one of us had been a son, or ever made us feel 'less-than' because we're girls. i love being a girl! wouldn't trade for anything.
he also never made us feel we were "one of the guys". he and mom gave us to understand we're competent, intelligent, capable people.

maybe that's one reason it distresses me to see the way men actually are berated for being masculine by some of the noisier segments of the culture. i have nothing to prove.
so, yeah, women are cool and important, too! but that's not why you began this thread.

now i'm going to spend some time thanking God for the parents He gave me to, and maybe group text my sisters.

 

[seoulsearch]

If women abuse men chances are they are abusive to everyone.

I was thinking this too.

A woman who hits her kids likely wouldn't hold back from hitting a man.

(Just my own thought. I'm sure it's there are exceptions but when people are in a regular habit of acting out physically, any thing/one in the way is a target.)

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

Tell that to Samson.

Judges 16:16

"And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;"

Delilah's persistent nagging vexed Samson's soul unto death. Her nagging ultimately cost him not only his eyes, but his life as well.

Wow, why don't I recall seeing that there before. Now I can give my father more ammo to use against my mother. rofl ( married over 50 yrs). That is nagging at a ninja level. I don't nag my hubby. He often thanks me for that. When we got married I told him " I'm not your mommy. I expect the bills to be paid on time. If we see something not done we do it, don't complain. If you don't take care of your role don't come complaining to me when they cut the lights off." Only once were the lights cut off and that was because the bill had slid under our car seat. If he sees laundry that needs done or dishes or vacuuming the floor, he does it. Oddly enough I'm better at fixing things and putting things together which annoys him. Our house is spotless all the time because we both take pride in it and don't leave the other person to do all the work. Marriage can work if you are mature and are willing to work issues out.

 

[Lanolin]

I think men often dont know their own strength, when a woman hits, its just a light tap, but when a man hits, he could break your skull.

However, women can and do abuse their own babies, because obvs they are adults, bigger, stronger and more powerful and have the life or death in their tongue.

A sharp tongued woman or they used to call it being a shrew, was something men were supposed to tame, by kissing or something. Though some husbands do it, and it works, but they often forget....that they need to kiss their wives every day. You dont always have to do it on the mouth, a hand will do.

 

[JohnDB]

I was thinking this too.

A woman who hits her kids likely wouldn't hold back from hitting a man.

(Just my own thought. I'm sure it's there are exceptions but when people act out physically, any thing/one in the way is a target.)

It doesn't just have to be physical abuse....that's just one type of abuse. There are plenty more including financial and emotional.

Pastoral staff are especially vulnerable to emotionally abusive women who threaten their careers with false accusations. And these days that's all that's required...one false accusation by your spouse and your career is toast.

 

[JohnDB]

When women do not have even one close friend....that's a huge red flag.

Same thing goes for men.

Women usually try to cover this up because they know that if a guy figures this out...her goose is cooked before she can get her hooks deep into him.

 

[Lanolin]

Thank you for this very thoughtful post, NotMyOwn.

One of the greatest blessings I was ever given was a Godly (adoptive) father, and I try to make it a point to tell him (and my mom, who also adopted me) regularly how thankful I am for them and efforts and sacrifices they made to send me to Lutheran schools, regular church services and events, etc.

For as many conflicts as I've had while coming to terms with what I was reading in the Bible vs. what I was seeing carried out there, I know my parents and many of the people there worked hard to make sure I had a solid Biblical foundation, and I will always be grateful for that.

In my adult years, I've wrote a letter of gratitude to pastor there who was especially influential during my formative years, patiently trying to answer my endless streams of questions and caring for my classmates and myself as a spiritual father.

As you said, I think it's vitally important to let people know how important to their work has been in our lives and to reinforce their God-given abilities (a big part of the edification God tells us to give others.)

I rememember going to a christian music fest, and a lady was speaking/preaching (shock, horror) to the women about how to treat their men ...or specifically, wives and husbands and she said men want to be treated like a King.

I never forgot that. And of course, in British empire countries we have the example of the royal family in magazines the daily drama of their love-lives played out for all to see.

The most famous failed marriage of all time, Charles and Di, you can see how it broke down, and why Charles went with Camilla in the end. Camilla treated him like a King (which he now is) whereas Diana being much much younger wanted a father figure, though she tried to mother Charles which he was initially attracted to but she wanted to be placed first ahead of his duty to his country...so how was that going to work.

 

[MsMediator]

If a man is intimidated by woman hitting him, that does not speak well for the man unless she is bigger and stronger than the man which is unlikely. A man can easily restrain a woman. A man slapping a woman can knock her to the ground, not the case vice versa. Most women go for the groin (to get away) because that has the most impact, but the man can quickly recover after a few seconds.

 

[Lanolin]

I think in some cultures esp I know in chinese culture traditionally, sons are favoured over daughters, and its the same in Jewish culture.

However I was reading in the Bible how to Naomi, Ruth was worth more than 'seven sons'. Was it because she married Boaz and he was wealthy?

Recall Job had several daughters, and they were taken away, but when he was redeemed and got his family back, he still had daughters that were the most admired in the land. I wonder if Mrs Job the one who cursed God, actually died. No mention of her after that?! Maybe Job married again to someone kinder.

 

[Lanolin]

David had several wives, but his first, Michal, disapproved of his dancing, and so he never slept with her again after that.

I recall Abishag kept him warm and Abigail gave him food. Abigail is interesting because she openly admitted she married a fool -Nabal.

Jezebel/Ahab coupling was the thing that Ahab being too passive and going after a wife who didnt love God. He pretty much abidicated being King. So Jezebel took over.

Which was her natural thing for her to do because pagans/heathens dont know the Lord. When you dont know the Lord you just put yourself first.

 

[seoulsearch]

If a man is intimidated by woman hitting him, that does not speak well for the man unless she is bigger and stronger than the man which is unlikely. A man can easily restrain a woman. A man slapping a woman can knock her to the ground, not the case vice versa. Most women go for the groin (to get away) because that has the most impact, but the man can quickly recover after a few seconds.

We can't overlook the damage a woman can do to a man just because she's smaller. The image of a woman whacking someone with a frying pan is there for a reason (and if it's a cast-iron frying pan, you're going to break bones at the very least.) Women might be smaller and weaker, but the determined ones will find a weapon, meaning anything in the house becomes game.

I had a friend whose mother once tried to stab his dad with a fork -- just think if she had picked up a carving knife instead. (Many things found in the kitchen could be fatal.) I had another friend who grew up in a very abusive home. If the mother didn't think the kids cried long or hard enough from knocking them around with just her hands, she would grab belts (and use the buckles to tear across their skin.)

The man might also be caught off guard and with no way of seeing it coming or have any way of defending himself, let alone restrain her (i.e., if she throws something heavy/dangerous at him.)

We also can't ignore that in today's (American culture, at least,) it's "normal" to have guns in the house, and many women know how to use them just as well as a man, especially since hunting, etc. is so popular.

 

[Lanolin]

I remember seeing A streetcar Named Desire.

Its a Tenessee Williams play and they made a movie of it starring Vivien Leigh (this was an old balck and white movie in the 1950s)

Blacnhe du Bois went to stay with her sister Stella and her husband Stanley in New Orleans after she lost the plantation and all her family died. She was married once but -spoiler- her husband turned out to be gay and she caught him in the act. Anyway so she lost respect for him and left him, but by that time she was older and couldnt marry again so turned to any means to survive.


She started courting again but had to hide that she was much older and her past from Mitch, who treated her with kindness but Stellas husband didnt like her sister sort of freeloading and her airs when she lived with them and he was also attracted to her because she was a woman and he was the kind of man who liked to bed any woman.

Anyway ...in the end Stanely raped Blanche cos she was always subtly nagging him but she got her own back when she broke a bottle of whiskey, threatened him with it and also stold him to get out before she started screaming 'fire'.

Blanche had a mental/nervous breakdown in the final scene and go taken away to mental hospital. But. nothing happened to stanley however in the movie, Stella actually leaves him with her baby

 

[seoulsearch]

If a man is intimidated by woman hitting him, that does not speak well for the man unless she is bigger and stronger than the man which is unlikely. A man can easily restrain a woman. A man slapping a woman can knock her to the ground, not the case vice versa. Most women go for the groin (to get away) because that has the most impact, but the man can quickly recover after a few seconds.

We can't overlook the damage a woman can do to a man just because she's smaller. The image of a woman whacking someone with a frying pan is there for a reason (and if it's a cast-iron frying pan, you're going to break bones at the very least.) Women might be smaller and weaker, but the determined ones will find a weapon, meaning anything in the house becomes game.

I had a friend whose mother once tried to stab his dad with a fork -- just think if she had picked up a carving knife instead. (Many things found in the kitchen could be fatal.) I had another friend who grew up in a very abusive home. If the mother didn't think the kids cried long or hard enough from knocking them around with just her hands, she would grab belts (and use the buckles to tear across their skin.)

The man might also be caught off guard and with no way of seeing it coming or have any way of defending himself, let alone restrain her (i.e., if she throws something heavy/dangerous at him.)

We also can't ignore that in today's (American culture, at least,) it's "normal" to have guns in the house, and many women know how to use them just as well as a man, especially since hunting, etc. is so popular.

Not to mention the disturbing amount of cases in which women either tried or were successful in poisoning their husbands (with something as common as eye drops in one case.)

The other problem with the thinking that "A man can't really be hurt by a woman's strikes" or that "he should be able to restrain her" is that it doesn't address the root problem of that the woman is doing something wrong by attacking him on the offense (rather than in a defensive state out of self-preservation.)

It's not ok for anyone to abuse anyone in any way, so this is what I'm thinking about during the discussion of these issues.

If a woman has issues she's not controlling or getting effective treatment for, we can't says, "Well, the man should be able to defend himself or he's not a real man," and allow it to continue.

And as to how the church can effectively curb such issues... Well. We don't seem to see much success now, let alone when we start uncovering a double load of the problem.

I don't know what God's answer would be.

I know that for myself, if I had an abusive spouse with nothing changing (and I would see this applying to both men and women,) I would go to the church for help, and with their prayer and guidane, would see out a physical (different living quarters) and possible legal separation for the sake of my own (and any children's) safety.

 

[Lanolin]

Vivien Leigh, who had suffered breakdowns in her own life, had to play Blanche every night when the play was running. And it definitley contributed to her own mental illness. She won her second an academy award for her portrayal, (first was for Scarlett in Gone with the Wind) and I mention it here because she played 'strong' women and the lengths they go to survive in a world where men had all died, gone to war, or been emasculated.

Its also interesting that Scarlett married Rhett when she didnt like him much but he pretty much was in love with her but couldnt show it. In real life author Margaret Mitchell's first love Red which she based Rhett on was alcoholic.

 

[MsMediator]

We can't overlook the damage a woman can do to a man just because she's smaller. The image of a woman whacking someone with a frying pan is there for a reason (and if it's a cast-iron frying pan, you're going to break bones at the very least.) Women might be smaller and weaker, but the determined ones will find a weapon, meaning anything in the house becomes game.

I had a friend whose mother once tried to stab his dad with a fork -- just think if she had picked up a carving knife instead. (Many things found in the kitchen could be fatal.) I had another friend who grew up in a very abusive home. If the mother didn't think the kids cried long or hard enough from knocking them around with just her hands, she would grab belts (and use the buckles to tear across their skin.)

The man might also be caught off guard and with no way of seeing it coming or have any way of defending himself, let alone restrain her (i.e., if she throws something heavy/dangerous at him.)

We also can't ignore that in today's (American culture, at least,) it's "normal" to have guns in the house, and many women know how to use them just as well as a man, especially since hunting, etc. is so popular.

I agree men can be physically abused by women, but the rate is much higher vice versa. Most women do not hit with frying pan or throw boiling water unless threatened or in a rare fit of rage (finding adultery, for example). Surveys show that lesbian couples are much more violent compared to women in heterosexual couples; I think that shows women may feel like committing violence but restrain themselves more when dealing with someone bigger and stronger.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/invisible-victims-when-men-are-abused#ways-men-are-abused
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/inform...tic-abuse/domestic-abuse-is-a-gendered-crime/

 

[NotmebutHim]

I've been abused by women my entire life.

I'm the guy they come to to cry on a shoulder and whine about the abuse they take from the men they pursue. They'd never date me, choosing instead to chase after @holes, but you better believe when the @hole they glommed onto treats them bad, I get to hear about it.

Makes me think of the song "Victim of Love" by the Eagles.

 

[seoulsearch]

I have met someone, and we are married, so I'm talking past situations. But, and how do I say this without sounding tacky or offensive, I married down. Way down. In the end I 'settled' because she was the only one to show an interest. But no, we are not equals, in any sense.

Just out of curiosity, since you feel that you've married down, and in your words, "way down" and "settled," does your wife feel that she married "way up?"

 

[Lanolin]

Just out of curiosity, since you feel that you've married down, and in your words, "way down" and "settled," does your wife feel that she married "way up?"

Im wondering how you know if you are 'equal' with someone.

Is it...being the same height or weight, or doing an arm wrestle and ending up with a tie?

comparing bank balances?
skin colour shade?
number of siblings in your family?
Maybe being a twin and marrying another twin?
Having the same birthday or born in the same year?

 

[NotmebutHim]

I think one of the main reasons that abused men aren't often helped is because they are told by the secular world to just take the abuse without complaint. After all, they are generally physically stronger than women anyway. "Take it like a man" and all that.

And some within Christian circles tend to put blame and responsibility on abused men by saying "well, it must have been because you failed to be the leader in your relationship" or "you must have made your wife mad" (and other similar sentiments).

Unfortunately, "churchianity" is a thing and it exists to keep world-minded women happy. On the bright side, Christian women such as: Alisa Childers, Michelle Lesley, Natasha Crain, Allie Beth Stuckey, Susan Heck and Melissa Dougherty are working to change that.