How Willing/Good Would You Be At Accepting A Completely Different Love Language Than Your Own?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Most people know about The 5 Love Languages made famous in a 90's book by a Baptist pastor:

1. Words of Affimation.
2. Quality Time.
3. Physical Touch.
4. Acts of Service.
5. Receiving Gifts.

This thread was inspired by two recent observations:

1. Reading the story of a married couple, in which the wife longs to hear her husband tell her that he loves her. When she finally tells him this, he says, "You know how I feel about this. I told you I loved you when I asked you to marry me -- there's no further need to say it again."

But the wife, desperate for reassurance, asks, "Do you love me?"

And the husband responds, "I'm here, aren't I?"

The wife's love language was words of affirmation -- but her husband expressed his love through what he saw as quality time, which meant he stayed with her and their family and hadn't left them. His other love language was physical touch (sexual contact,) but the wife found it difficult to be very enthusiastic about this because she was not receiving any of her own love language (words of affirmation,) making intimacy feel like a one-way transaction to her.

2. In real life, I was listening to an occurrence of a man giving a gift to his grandmother.

Over the years, he's given his grandmother many gifts. He never forgets a holiday or her birthday. But he almost never calls -- a few times a year -- and visits even less often. He does live a bit away, but he could make the trip more often if wanted to. He could most definitely call more often. However, the love language he feels best expressing is through giving gifts -- whereas his grandmother longs for words of affirmation and quality time.

These things really got me thinking about how hurt so many people are because they are going through the exact same things in their lives. Even when there isn't a lack of love, so many people feel unloved because they have different love languages than the ones they are desperately trying to feel loved by.

I was thinking about how many family members, spouses, siblings, etc. are struggling not necessarily because they are unloved, but because they feel most comfortable expressing and/or receiving love languages from others that are different from what they desire most. I was also thinking about the fact that many people can express certain love languages (words of affirmation,) but it's almost impossible for them to receive the same ones in return.

* What love languages are most comfortable for you to express? Which ones are most comfortable for you to receive?

* Do you have people in your life (family, friends, significant other) who speaks completely different love languages than you do? How does it make you feel?

* Should we try to "change" someone into giving us the love language we need or desire, or do we just sit back and learn to cope? Has it caused any relationships (whether in romance, friendships, or family ties) to deteriorate?

* How have you learned to adapt to those who express completely different love languages than your own? What advice can you give for doing so?

* If we don't get our own love language needs met, what happens? Do we just let that part of ourselves die?

And yet, no one wants someone to change them, nor can they really change what we do/don't feel comfortable with. Most people will either physically or emotionally clock out if someone keeps trying to demand a love language the other person doesn't feel they can express.
I was going to post this in Family because it's something that can apply to anyone, but I was really thinking about how this dynamic would cause issues within a romantic relationship.

* How do we learn to compromise, and where is the line between compromise and demanding too much/feeling as if someone is trying to control us?

Everyone is welcome to answer because I think most everyone has seen or gone through this.

I'm interested in hearing your stories and observations whether it's been in marriages, romantic relationships, friendships, or between family members.

 

[Lynx]

I have no idea.

I reckon when I find her, we'll figure it out then.

However... Seeing as how I have been single 46 years so far, if she doesn't speak whatever my love language turns out to be, I reckon I'll manage. I have managed this long without anybody talking it.

 

[Magenta]

What's Your Love Language? | Leanne Morgan

 

[ATSTD]

It’s very challenging

 

[Lynx]

As for whether I can talk hers, well... I've done things that didn't make any sense, just because they were part of the routine grandma insisted on. Dementia strains the bounds of logic. As long as I understand why it's important to her, I reckon I can do it.

 

[ATSTD]

It’s very challenging

I’d rather just wait on the right person, or be single for the rest of my life.

So far three different women, on two different sites the past few days, messaged me, hit on me and either wanted to promote my music, be in a relationship with me or learn things from me.

I had to block one of them, because they don’t understand boundaries, even though I told them I’m not comfortable with having the conversation we were having and she continued to push the subject.

The other one was kind of similar but had a better understanding and respected my boundaries.

And the other one was more professional, more respectful and didn’t even push my boundaries.

Yet, I just left it at that. No desire, to continue anything with any of them.

 

[tourist]

One way that I show love to my wife is by going to work, taking out the trash, doing the dishes, and wiping the counters down and other mundane tasks. I believe that love is best expressed by your actions. I do express my love verbally, but without positive affirmative action, those words would be rendered meaningless.

 

[ocean]

One way that I show love to my wife is by going to work, taking out the trash, doing the dishes, and wiping the counters down and other mundane tasks. I believe that love is best expressed by your actions. I do express my love verbally, but without positive affirmative action, those words would be rendered meaningless.

This, is good. Very good.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

I'd never heard of "love language" until now.

All five of those listed are things I would do. With my kids I especially use a lot of words of affirmation... even now that they're adults.

 

[Kainos]

I'm another who's never heard of the 5 love languages. But I can see how dissonance in my preferred way of expressing and receiving love contributed to the failure of my last relationship. I expected my legacy to be one of transient moments which I thought we'd remember for a lifetime, holding hands, watching the sun set together etc. In contrast to my ex, who was all about the giving and receiving of tangible items, material gifts. If I were a fluid 1-4 on the love language list, she was a fixed 5.

I never realised it at the time, but I have a very retentive memory which she couldn't tone with. So she needed the exchanging of gifts, not for their material worth, but their sentimental value, which allowed her to preserve memoirs from experiences we shared that she wasn't able to indefinitely commit to memory.

Not knowing any better, I thought she was just materialistic and detached, and she believed I was too fanciful for deriving most of my satisfaction from my own private sense of awe. We felt like a romantic portrayal of a blackhole unravelling a wormhole paradox, when in reality, our intention was one and the same, making and storing memories, through objects in her instance, and the faculty of the mind in mine.

I can't answer your question as a Christian, because I've remained single since I was called to the faith. But if I were to marry, I would want the prevailing theme of my love to honour the price with which the woman I would marry was bought.

 

[HopeinHim98]

In my first relationship my boyfriend and I did a love language test. I knew words of affirmation were important to me and I did score high in that one. He scored high in quality time which was evident and something I needed to work on.

That was around 5 years ago and I still value of words of affirmation. I just try not to let others' words or lack thereof define me or get me down too much.

 

[MsMediator]

I've only heard the term "love language" recently around Christmas. when a coworker said his love language is giving gifts to loved ones. He loves shopping for the perfect gift.

I don't like receiving words of affirmation frequently because I feel obligated to say the same, which doesn't come natural to me. However, saying them once in awhile is important especially during certain occasions like birthdays or anniversaries. (With animals, words of affirmation and physical touch come very easy for me.) My love languages are probably quality time and gift giving. I do enjoy gift giving, but if I feel I'm the only always gift giving I don't enjoy that.

 

[ATSTD]

My love language is definitely NOT affirmations. I feel like I spend time with God for affirmation. I think if I get too many affirmations, I feel like the person is flattering me, which to me seems like a form of manipulation.

My love language is definitely NOT receiving gifts. Not a fan of buying gifts for others or receiving gifts. There has been so many moments, especially with family, who were completely ungrateful for any gift that I bought them. So this past Christmas, I didn’t buy a single present for anyone, nor did I show up to celebrate Christmas with any of my family members and I get a phone call from my dad, asking me if I am crazy; even though he is one of the main people in my family who never liked any gift that I bought them. So obviously his, his love language is definitely not receiving gifts either.

I do like creating or writing in a card and mailing cards to loved ones on holidays. I think written words are more meaningful, than a gift, cause it is kind of like a contract.

I definitely prefer quality time and acts of service.

Not too sure about physical touch. Not sure if I trust anyone to touch me; Only when my mother tickles my feet when I’m bare foot and she is walking past me, and maybe a hug from her, my brothers, my sisters, and my dad. The only two people I trust hugging me, are my therapist and my pastor, no one else.

 

[Godsgirl1983]

Hey Everyone,

Most people know about The 5 Love Languages made famous in a 90's book by a Baptist pastor:

1. Words of Affimation.
2. Quality Time.
3. Physical Touch.
4. Acts of Service.
5. Receiving Gifts.

This thread was inspired by two recent observations:

1. Reading the story of a married couple, in which the wife longs to hear her husband tell her that he loves her. When she finally tells him this, he says, "You know how I feel about this. I told you I loved you when I asked you to marry me -- there's no further need to say it again."

But the wife, desperate for reassurance, asks, "Do you love me?"

And the husband responds, "I'm here, aren't I?"

The wife's love language was words of affirmation -- but her husband expressed his love through what he saw as quality time, which meant he stayed with her and their family and hadn't left them. His other love language was physical touch (sexual contact,) but the wife found it difficult to be very enthusiastic about this because she was not receiving any of her own love language (words of affirmation,) making intimacy feel like a one-way transaction to her.

2. In real life, I was listening to an occurrence of a man giving a gift to his grandmother.

Over the years, he's given his grandmother many gifts. He never forgets a holiday or her birthday. But he almost never calls -- a few times a year -- and visits even less often. He does live a bit away, but he could make the trip more often if wanted to. He could most definitely call more often. However, the love language he feels best expressing is through giving gifts -- whereas his grandmother longs for words of affirmation and quality time.

These things really got me thinking about how hurt so many people are because they are going through the exact same things in their lives. Even when there isn't a lack of love, so many people feel unloved because they have different love languages than the ones they are desperately trying to feel loved by.

I was thinking about how many family members, spouses, siblings, etc. are struggling not necessarily because they are unloved, but because they feel most comfortable expressing and/or receiving love languages from others that are different from what they desire most. I was also thinking about the fact that many people can express certain love languages (words of affirmation,) but it's almost impossible for them to receive the same ones in return.

* What love languages are most comfortable for you to express? Which ones are most comfortable for you to receive?

* Do you have people in your life (family, friends, significant other) who speaks completely different love languages than you do? How does it make you feel?

* Should we try to "change" someone into giving us the love language we need or desire, or do we just sit back and learn to cope? Has it caused any relationships (whether in romance, friendships, or family ties) to deteriorate?

* How have you learned to adapt to those who express completely different love languages than your own? What advice can you give for doing so?

* If we don't get our own love language needs met, what happens? Do we just let that part of ourselves die?

And yet, no one wants someone to change them, nor can they really change what we do/don't feel comfortable with. Most people will either physically or emotionally clock out if someone keeps trying to demand a love language the other person doesn't feel they can express.
I was going to post this in Family because it's something that can apply to anyone, but I was really thinking about how this dynamic would cause issues within a romantic relationship.

* How do we learn to compromise, and where is the line between compromise and demanding too much/feeling as if someone is trying to control us?

Everyone is welcome to answer because I think most everyone has seen or gone through this.

I'm interested in hearing your stories and observations whether it's been in marriages, romantic relationships, friendships, or between family members.

Seoul, if you don't mind, I'm going to through another question or two out there into the mix:
(and I'll give my answer later when I get a chance to come back and answer some of yours)

* Do you think a persons love language stays the same throughout their lifetime, or can it change?

* What examples can you give/want to share about someone's love language (yours or another's) changing or staying the same over time?

 

[ATSTD]

Seoul, if you don't mind, I'm going to through another question or two out there into the mix:
(and I'll give my answer later when I get a chance to come back and answer some of yours)

* Do you think a persons love language stays the same throughout their lifetime, or can it change?

* What examples can you give/want to share about someone's love language (yours or another's) changing or staying the same over time?

I think people constantly change, based on if they trust someone or not. Once I stop trusting someone, I start to really distancing myself from them.

If I am comfortable and trust someone, then all the love languages come into play.

When I was younger, before 26, I loved receiving gifts, I loved physical touch, I loved affirmation, I wasn’t much of an acts of service person, other than maybe a girlfriend giving me a ride home if I wasn’t driving but I always really enjoyed quality time.

Even though, I enjoy quality time; I like my alone time also, as well as plenty of time to work on my ministry.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I'd like to give a quick correction, first. Physical doesn't have to mean sexual. I fall into physical being one of my, if not the, top trait of mine. But for me that just means physical touch, that's not necessarily sexual. Holding hands, cuddling together to watch a movie, etc...
I just enjoy being in physical contact, frequently. And it has nothing to do with sex.


* What love languages are most comfortable for you to express? Which ones are most comfortable for you to receive?

Quality time is probably second on my list, fittingly so. Im not too comfortable receiving the rest. I do enjoy words, but feel awkward or even undeserving when I get them.

* Do you have people in your life (family, friends, significant other) who speaks completely different love languages than you do? How does it make you feel?

I don't currently know what any of my familys love languages are. And to be honest I sometimes question whether they're capable of love at all, my closest family, that is.
My last gf loved giving gifts to me, which was awkward to me.

* Should we try to "change" someone into giving us the love language we need or desire, or do we just sit back and learn to cope? Has it caused any relationships (whether in romance, friendships, or family ties) to deteriorate?

I wouldn't say change so much as teach them, and they teach you theirs. This way you can practice learning to offer and accept love according to each person's needs.
I'd say yes, before I learned about the 5LL. Or at least it contributed to it.


* How have you learned to adapt to those who express completely different love languages than your own? What advice can you give for doing so?

It's fairly simple. Learn what they need and start working at reminding yourself that it is what they need, and shows them how much you love them. If that doesn't motivate you then there may be other problems.
Yes, I have learned to do it. And if you're unsure of what theirs is, just ask. And share yours as well. Then you can both give examples that work best for each of you.

* If we don't get our own love language needs met, what happens? Do we just let that part of ourselves die?

Again, step one is bringing up the topic. Maybe even read the book together so that maybe they'll get a better understanding of what it is and why it's so important.
Some simply may not care, in which case you are pretty much stuck.

* How do we learn to compromise, and where is the line between compromise and demanding too much/feeling as if someone is trying to control us?

Allow someone time to learn how to give love that's different than what they know and feel. Over time they may see the difference it makes in you and become more willing and open to the idea.
And just the same, dont push someone to change it, or change it faster. It's not always easy, so give them a chance.

/QUOTE]

 

[seoulsearch]

(Replying to @Subhumanoidal, but for some reason, his post didn't show when I hit Reply.)

I definitely agree that physical touch doesn't have to be sexual.

It just so happened that in the example I gave in the opening post, it happened to be so, but I agree.

Touch includes the entire scope of physical human contact, not one specific kind.

 

[seoulsearch]

For anyone who hasn't heard of The 5 Love Languages, I don't know if this pastor pioneered the idea or just expanded on it, but in 1992, this book came out and exploded:



It was EVERYWHERE.

Churches were teaching classes centered around this book and it turned into its own empire. You can find charts, diagrams, and analyses galore on this topic. Even the It was treated as the revolutionary new thing that was going to heal marriages, ensure perfect ones in the future, and single-handedly bring down the divorce rates.

At least, that's how it was treated in the Christian circles I was in at the time.

To this day, you'll still often find it spoken about as a pillar concept regarding relationships.

 

[seoulsearch]

Seoul, if you don't mind, I'm going to through another question or two out there into the mix:
(and I'll give my answer later when I get a chance to come back and answer some of yours)

* Do you think a persons love language stays the same throughout their lifetime, or can it change?

* What examples can you give/want to share about someone's love language (yours or another's) changing or staying the same over time?

Excellent questions, GG -- thanks for taking the time to add them.

I think I operate in all 5 of the languages, both to give and receive, but some are more important to me than others, and that hasn't changed.

I have parents who are very big on words of affirmation (saying "I love you") and hugs, so whether it's by nature or nurture, I consider those to be essential. I don't think I could live very well or easily without them, and I don't think that will change.

As Tourist said in his post, I think of acts of service as just being a natural expression of authentic love. I'm not sure how love can exist without serving someone, but maybe that's just me.

When I was younger, I used to love gifts (the whole kid-waiting-up-for-Santa phase,) but as I got older, I realized how much time is really the most valuable gift of all (to me, at least.) And I'd also love it if someone picked some flower from a weed pack along a sidewalk and brought it home, because it means, "I'm thinking of you."

I do think love languages can change over time as one experiences life and learns to assign different values and different definitions on different things.

 

[CarriePie]

I first heard about the 5 love languages in 2008 from my brother (not blood brother) who is a psychologist and a pastor. But, I think it was during my longest relationship, which lasted 7 years, that I understood from experience more about love languages. So, I'll use that relationship as a reference to my experience in this area. That relationship ended in the fall of 2023. Although it ended, he remained an exemplary part of my life and helped in an immense way during the time leading up to the time of dad's passing, being always there during my times at hospitals and then being a huge help during the funeral. I mean, dad only had one close family member left and she offered absolutely no help at all, meanwhile he helped with everything. Even my best friend offered to help, even though she isn't really capable. It was a humbling time. I've learned that people who truly have your best interest at heart will show you a love language that is unexplainable when you are going through troubled waters and those are the people we should hold dear.

I definitely agree with Subhumanoidal concerning physical touch. In the relationship I'm referencing, he was not a physical touch person at all (at all!) and I'm a very affectionate person when I'm in a relationship. It took some time for us to come to a happy medium when it came to physical affection. This did wear on both of us sometimes though. I think that showing love in other ways helped us to sooth the ways in which we weren't receiving love in other areas (for me, that was physical affection). The other ways were acts of service and quality time...

I would always keep things clean and organized, and the kitchen and dining room were always tastefully decorated for whatever season we were in and a bouquet of flowers were always on the table and most of the time homemade cookies were on the table as well. His encouragement of my cooking abilities sent my abilities soaring. At first, he said he was eating like a king. Later, he said that kings don't eat that good, CEOs eat better. He said he was eating better than a CEO!
For his part in return, we always spent a lot of quality time together. He'd take me picnicking at the state park, visiting museums, strolling around graveyards (sounds strange lol, but we both loved old cemeteries lol), trying eateries, etc.

One time, for 2+ months I stayed with him helping during a time when his health was failing and his mobility was minimal. We didn't really get out much except for medical visits. However, it was during that time that I felt our relationship was at its best. I mentioned this to my ground transportation driver, who is married, he told me that he and his wife always grew much closer during rough times like that. As you can see from the last 2 paragraphs, showing acts of service is a big thing for me and receiving quality time is warmth to my soul. Both people pouring effort into the the love languages that build the relationship for both persons is helpful.

I'm also a big words of affirmation person. I like to build the confidence of another up. I don't seek any gain from this, I just hope to encourage them and speak smashingness to them. "...words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

In my experience, the presence of all languages can be present in a good relationship and with respect two people can find a balance that's helpful for both. There are always going to be trying times. Sometimes love can feel unbearably painful, but it's also worth it. Sometimes, when it comes to relationships, Maya Angelou's words come to mind, "Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time."