S
I've been listening, and reading, and pouring over the Word of God and praying and crying and laughing to Him for 15 years of my life now. And I have never been so unsure and scared and doubtful than I am right now, in my early 20s. And I really hate that I feel this way after so long, because He's my Father, you know? He's always been there, I've seen Him work in my life, and yet, so many awful things have happened without reprieve and I beg for him to take away the very notion inside me that I have to complain about that, because I know we all suffer as Christ suffered (less so, though, obviously) and that's just how it is, but where is the joy God promised? I know it is in Him, that I'll find it, and yet I search and I only fear Him. I fear what ways he'll use the ones I love to prove a point, or how he'll use me that will hurt the ones I love. I'm afraid that I won't hear His direction and I'll fail in ever living out a life that is for Christ. And all I hear is read his Word and pray, and I don't think a lot of Christians realize how hard it is to pray sometimes? And everyone always says they feel at peace about things and the Holy Spirit inside them helped them this way, or that...I have never felt that. Is it all in their heads, or is it all in mine? And I know the answer isn't that I'm doing this all wrong, I feel like I'm just words away from overcoming all this, but I never hear the right thing. I'm straining towards Him, but there's one thing holding me back. I just don't know what it is.
I'm not sure if anyone will understand this gibberish, and I hope that you'll only be the kind brothers and sisters in Christ I was hoping to find here. Please, do not judge me. That will only push me farther away from what I am searching for hard for.
Sincerely,
Jessica
I'm not sure if anyone will understand this gibberish, and I hope that you'll only be the kind brothers and sisters in Christ I was hoping to find here. Please, do not judge me. That will only push me farther away from what I am searching for hard for.
Sincerely,
Jessica