Levels of Emotional Intimacy

[Grace-Like-Rain]

This visual represents levels of emotional intimacy that people have with others (specifically opposite-sex) via conversation. I found it very interesting because I know some people who will jump right into the center without delay, and others who never seem to get past the first ring with anyone, even after much time has passed.

It stands to reason that the deeper into the circle we get, the more emotionally involved we are in the relationship. I'm thinking this is really a good way to keep new male-female relationships (platonic or romantic) balanced and in their proper places, progressing at a healthy pace, and all that jazz.

1. Which ring would you hesitate to cross when spending time with a platonic opposite-sex friend?

2. Do you see any dangers in moving through the rings too quickly, or skipping some entirely?

3. Are there any additional rings you would add to make this more specific?

4. Can you give examples of friends you've had who stopped at certain rings in order to preserve a friendship or avoid becoming too emotionally intimate?

Thoughts in general?

(P.S. Please disregard typo in the "opinions" ring. I found it on the internet. )

 

[zeroturbulence]

I don't know.. I'm really not a fan of psycho-analytical concepts like these. Like Myers Briggs personality typing, 5 love languages, etc... To me they are all intrinsically flawed like when men tried to build a flying machine before the Wright Brothers... a lot of study went into it, it looked good, seemed to make perfect sense, but it just doesn't fly, if you know what I mean...

but they make great topics of convertsation...

 

[Yeraza_Bats]

I dont feel that I totally understand the ring, tbh with you : p Like, casual, information, "opinons", what do these things mean? : p Like, casual friendship to a desire to learn more about them to forming an opinion on them? I dont totally understand all of it.

But, I like the idea for a convo : p In my past with relationships, I dunno. It always depended on the person, tbh. Ive had relationships with people where we kinda talked about the idea of being partners, but I never really felt the need to go farther, as in I didnt push hard to learn about them on a deeper level and never really felt like I got to the "feelings" part of the circle : p And Ive had some where I felt like I got to the center before they did. It always just depends on the person I was with and how I felt about them.

With things like these, people seem to just assume the way a person acts in their interactions with them must be the way they act with every person ever when it comes to relations. (They also tend to take their own personal experience and throw the entire gender of the person in that same generalization, but thats a different convo : p) I dont think its always that way. Maybe the person didnt feel like they clicked, too. Maybe they felt that they were too different from you, like they had their hearts and minds set on a different place than you, and didnt feel that connection. Maybe they found someone after who they felt like they matched with perfectly and jumped right to that center.

People dont all feel think and act the same way, that includes groups of people, too. (Male-female, black-white, young-old) Everyone is an individual with their own thoughts, feelings, desires and experiences that shaped them. And they often act differently around certain people than they do others. I know that with some people, I talk on and on about anything, while others Im afraid to even open my mouth when Im around them : p


Do I think its dangerous to move too quickly? For the most part, yeah. Either emotionally or physically in rare cases, as you give yourself over to trusting someone you shouldnt trust. But Im sure that most of us have done it before at some point : p

 

[zeroturbulence]

So anyway.. the reason I don't put any stake into these things is because life as we know it, is organic. Conversations are organic. You might be talking to someone of the opposite sex about the weather one minute and then one of you mentions how the weather is good for turtles and suddenly find out that you both love turtles...BOOM! feelings erupt! No one planned on going there, but it happened.. feelings. Sometimes feelings erupt just from the sight of someone. So anyway, that's one example why I don't put stock into socio-psychoanalytical concepts...
(ooh i think I just invented that word )

 

[PeterJens]

The problem with this diagram is it is written from the perspective of a very defended
personality.

If your approach with people is to share your feelings openly, this is implying you want
an intimate relationship with everyone which is definately not true.

It also implies that as human being emotions are not involved in everything we do.
I know people who never truly know what they are feeling, but create what they
think fits the situation. They obviously have problems with empathy, because they
do not know what is going on inside.

I saw a program following trainee pastors. One candidate learnt this is what they
were like, which was a big shock, because it limited their ability to share and deal
with problems because they lacked their own reference point of experience.

 

[Yeraza_Bats]

So anyway.. the reason I don't put any stake into these things is because life as we know it, is organic. Conversations are organic. You might be talking to someone of the opposite sex about the weather one minute and then one of you mentions how the weather is good for turtles and suddenly find out that you both love turtles...BOOM! feelings erupt! No one planned on going there, but it happened.. feelings. Sometimes feelings erupt just from the sight of someone. So anyway, that's one example why I don't put stock into socio-psychoanalytical concepts...
(ooh i think I just invented that word )

Haha yeah, it really is on an individual basis level kinda thing : p I cant say that Im either quick or slow to the center, cuz I feel different with each person I interact with : p

 

[PinkDiamond]

I think it really depends on the person I'm interacting with. Some people I've known for many years and still wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with them anything too personal. With others the conversation just flows naturally and it's easy to share my more private thoughts or feelings. I don't think that length of friendship necessarily determines how quickly we move through these circles of intimacy. It is definitely good to be patient and not rush the process of getting to know someone. However, sometimes you just have an instant bond with a person and a sense that you can confide in them. When it comes to romantic friendships, I think a good sign that you are compatible with the other person is that you feel comfortable sharing your opinions and views. It should feel natural, in my opinion, to bring up topics of substance and not have a nagging feeling that you are going to offend that person.

 

[MollyConnor]

1. Which ring would you hesitate to cross when spending time with a platonic opposite-sex friend?

I wouldn't cross the feelings circle, at least I would try to. But it can be difficult. Sometimes I do share too much of myself and it backfires and I end up getting hurt. Thank you thank you thank you, Grace, for sharing this. I used to hear stuff like "don't get overly emotional with a guy" but I didn't quite understand how much is too much. I like this diagram as it gives me a general idea of what I should and shouldn't share.

2. Do you see any dangers in moving through the rings too quickly, or skipping some entirely?

Yes, you end up getting hurt. When you share your feelings and thoughts with someone, you become intimate and you're trusting them. If they just leave you or break the trust by sharing the information with other people, it can really mess you up. Also, by sharing so much, the guy or girl can get the wrong idea and think there's more to the friendship when there isn't.

3. Are there any additional rings you would add to make this more specific?

I don't know. I would have to think more about it.

4. Can you give examples of friends you've had who stopped at certain rings in order to preserve a friendship or avoid becoming too emotionally intimate?

I used to like a guy in college a few years ago and he is very conservative and was homeschooled. I tried talking to him as a friend and I noticed he was very short and he wouldn't really continue the conversation. Then sometimes he would talk a lot to me about God and school...but when it came to hobbies and general life subjects he would be short. I think this was his way of not getting too emotionally involved with me but I respected that and I learned from his example. We are still friends but friends who only talk about basic subjects. lol

Thoughts in general?

Like I said, thanks! I really didn't have a clue as to where I should stop emotionally with guys. This helps.

 

[zeroturbulence]

1. Which ring would you hesitate to cross when spending time with a platonic opposite-sex friend?

I wouldn't cross the feelings circle, at least I would try to. But it can be difficult. Sometimes I do share too much of myself and it backfires and I end up getting hurt. Thank you thank you thank you, Grace, for sharing this. I used to hear stuff like "don't get overly emotional with a guy" but I didn't quite understand how much is too much. I like this diagram as it gives me a general idea of what I should and shouldn't share.

2. Do you see any dangers in moving through the rings too quickly, or skipping some entirely?

Yes, you end up getting hurt. When you share your feelings and thoughts with someone, you become intimate and you're trusting them. If they just leave you or break the trust by sharing the information with other people, it can really mess you up. Also, by sharing so much, the guy or girl can get the wrong idea and think there's more to the friendship when there isn't.

3. Are there any additional rings you would add to make this more specific?

I don't know. I would have to think more about it.

4. Can you give examples of friends you've had who stopped at certain rings in order to preserve a friendship or avoid becoming too emotionally intimate?

I used to like a guy in college a few years ago and he is very conservative and was homeschooled. I tried talking to him as a friend and I noticed he was very short and he wouldn't really continue the conversation. Then sometimes he would talk a lot to me about God and school...but when it came to hobbies and general life subjects he would be short. I think this was his way of not getting too emotionally involved with me but I respected that and I learned from his example. We are still friends but friends who only talk about basic subjects. lol

Thoughts in general?

Like I said, thanks! I really didn't have a clue as to where I should stop emotionally with guys. This helps.

Oh sure... make me look bad! (just kidding of course )

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I dont feel that I totally understand the ring, tbh with you : p Like, casual, information, "opinons", what do these things mean? : p Like, casual friendship to a desire to learn more about them to forming an opinion on them? I dont totally understand all of it.

Yeah, these are very general terms that could mean anything, but I think that was done intentionally. For me:

Casual would be just chit-chat. The weather, songs we like, things you'd share with strangers at the check-out in the grocery store.

Information would be things about yourself. You go to church, you play the piano, you like to cook or play hockey or watch football. These aren't super in-depth or personal, but they give people a more clear idea of who you are. Your interests and hobbies, etc.

Opinions get a little stickier. These would include politics, religion, cultural ideals, possibly controversial things that let people in on how you think and see the world. It's definitely a level deeper than just sharing black and white information about how you spend your time.

Then feelings. Not surface feelings like "rainbows make me smile". REAL stuff, like how you felt when you were battling cancer or lost a parent. What has hurt you or excited you or made you feel loved. What makes you angry. What you are passionate or feel strongly about. Once you get to this level, there's emotional intimacy involved. You need to trust someone to share your personal feelings with them.

 

[cinder]

Where's the plans, hopes, dreams ring? And the whole making plans together ring (whether that's dinner next week or a lifetime together)?

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

So anyway.. the reason I don't put any stake into these things is because life as we know it, is organic. Conversations are organic. You might be talking to someone of the opposite sex about the weather one minute and then one of you mentions how the weather is good for turtles and suddenly find out that you both love turtles...BOOM! feelings erupt!

Haha - well, I'd still say turtle love is in the "casual" ring. Telling someone that you love turtles doesn't really give them much of a glimpse into the person that is you. It's more like trivia. When you start talking about the girl you used to know who broke your heart, or the man in your church who was like a father to you, THAT moves you into deeper feelings.

 

[hoss2576]

Where's the plans, hopes, dreams ring? And the whole making plans together ring (whether that's dinner next week or a lifetime together)?

That's called the wedding ring.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Haha - well, I'd still say turtle love is in the "casual" ring. Telling someone that you love turtles doesn't really give them much of a glimpse into the person that is you. It's more like trivia. When you start talking about the girl you used to know who broke your heart, or the man in your church who was like a father to you, THAT moves you into deeper feelings.

Guess I took the categories a bit too literally.

 

[Lynx]

I don't know.. I'm really not a fan of psycho-analytical concepts like these. Like Myers Briggs personality typing, 5 love languages, etc... To me they are all intrinsically flawed like when men tried to build a flying machine before the Wright Brothers... a lot of study went into it, it looked good, seemed to make perfect sense, but it just doesn't fly, if you know what I mean...

but they make great topics of convertsation...

I concur. My relationship with my best friend is only one social connection, but even that one is complex, dynamic and impossible to define in words. To attempt to define all relationships in a simple diagram would be like trying to bore a hole in the Hoover Dam with a toothpick.

 

[InHisHands]

Great thoughts here!

Yes, I think the categories can be a helpful basis for observation, yet they are not comprehensive. Some people seem content to stay on the casual level always, and others tend to want to be on the feelings level always, and maybe most have a variety of friendship types with a variety of people.

Thinking through my various friendships I can see that the closest friendships are indeed the sharing-feelings ones. However, there are other less close friendships that I value for the shared interest (e.g. tennis or running or theology) rather than the emotional connection.

 

[AbigailZeke]

1. Which ring would you hesitate to cross when spending time with a platonic opposite-sex friend?
I suppose none. I have a few guy friends and we enjoy talking about stuff that involves a lot of feelings, like family stuff or being single and lonely and how we cope. Idk but my casual talk usually involves emotional stuff and I never had a friend who got the wrong idea. It makes me respect them more (not fall in love), as a person, with faults and feelings, and real emotions.

2. Do you see any dangers in moving through the rings too quickly, or skipping some entirely?
For me, personally, no. I skip the information and casual. I usually jump to 'opinions' and 'feelings'. If the person I talk to doesn't open up, then that's a hint for me to give him space lol and start with 'casual'. If he does, then we'll be good friends.

3. Are there any additional rings you would add to make this more specific?
Spiritual? Or does that fall under 'information'? I don't usually talk about faith to strangers (only encourages debates xD) but when I feel like I can really trust someone, then I share my spiritual walk with them. And that, I think, at least for me, is the most intimate I can be with a person.

4. Can you give examples of friends you've had who stopped at certain rings in order to preserve a friendship or avoid becoming too emotionally intimate?
Dudes I meet online. They usually stop at opinion. xD Or if they cross 'feelings' they're usually unreal.

 

[Marek]

I guess I'd have to have emotions first, so make a new circle for the ones that are stoic and cold like me.