Loving Difficult People

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I tend to get along with nearly everyone, even those many others find difficult, but there are a few people that I just really have trouble relating to or finding compassion for, and that bothers me. I know I can do better. But honestly, sometimes I want to just give up. Sadly, these are the kinds of people who probably need love and compassion the most.


Do you struggle with loving a difficult person in your life?

Is it a personality conflict, or something else, that makes it hard to love this person?

Do you feel that the person actually really needs love - from you?

WHY is this so hard??

How can we do better?


Matthew 5:46-47 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?

 

[JonahLynx]

I don't find it hard to love difficult/bitter people, but being sociable with them can be a chore. I don't think you need to be best friends with someone to love them - just generous and polite. Usually their attitude makes people respond negatively, so overcoming the urge to be curt may at least take some needless stress from their day.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

I don't find it hard to love difficult/bitter people, but being sociable with them can be a chore. I don't think you need to be best friends with someone to love them - just generous and polite. Usually their attitude makes people respond negatively, so overcoming the urge to be curt may at least take some needless stress from their day.

More or less how I feel.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

There are a few people in my life who really need actual physical love - as in quality time from me, someone to talk to, share things with, etc. But some of these people I really can't relate to at all, and don't agree with on many things. I feel God calling me to put myself in their life, and that's been a struggle for me. I don't know how to help them. I don't know if they even want help. I don't know what to say to them. And our times together are awkward and I feel unsure of my footing with them.

So yes, I can look at them and feel love for them, or pray for them, etc. But I need to be doing MORE. You know? Tangible stuff.

 

[hoss2576]

I have an older sister who I know needs loved more. She has all but cut herself off from the rest of my family. I hear through other people that her life is falling apart. There is a deep part of me who believes that above all else, family loves family. However my sister and I did not grow up together, and we have radically different views of life.

She has made it very difficult to reach out to her. She has blocked all of the family on Facebook, and she wants nothing to do with anyone. You are right, I pray and yearn to see her loved more by others, but I also feel this need to do something more tangible.

 

[JustAnotherUser]

I can think of one person like this and I can't answer that I'm able to love this person in spite of their difficulties. At least, it seems that way. I have tried the forgiving and being nice route as a response to their lack of remorse or guilt no matter how much it's been proven that they were wrong. Can only go so far with it and the best response there on is to probably refrain your presence around them, I'm sorry to say.

No doubt that everyone needs love and acceptance in their life; whether they are the most affectionate and kind person or the most distant and rude person you'll meet. Many factors can come into play as to why they become the way that they are. But we can't ultimately be the ones to change their response or character no matter how much love can be given from it. You do have the risk to give that love and have it all go ignored or 'in vain' to either feed the person(s) to their behavior or they can flat out ignore you for it and not take a hint.

 

[wisebeardman]

you don't need to love me. its ok.

 

[gypsygirl]

i think this was a lesson i found myself learning early in life, because i had pretty early awareness of the fact that there were a few people in my life that i was related to, and loved, but really didn't like.

i think this pushed me to seek to understand them more. i found myself studying psychological and behavioral studies, articles and books. i needed to understand how we could all be related and yet, so very different about things that seem so very obvious and easy to me.

though this desire and learning, i found myself trying to see the world through their eyes, if i were them, walking in their shoes, saddled with their limitations, desires and personality. and through that, i found a lot of compassion. i was able to see how in some ways, i was more advantaged than them, and also, to have compassion for their current condition, and the behaviors that i found so painful or difficult.

this kind of methodology works for me for others. when i am repelled by someone, i focus on what it is that i object to, seeking to articulate it for myself. when i do that, usually i find that the reason i have such a huge reaction or inability to "like" them is something about me. either they do something that i either do or used to do (that i dislike in myself) or that they remind me of someone in my past who has caused me grief.

then i set out to really try to understand what their struggle in life is. are they hugely insecure? well, that is a horrible, miserable condition that i would feel bad for anyone who really struggles with that. or whatever that condition or struggle(s) that i can identify, i will then consider what that feels like, either through my own current or past issue with that, or through another source.

it seems like when i've spend a decent amount of effort to really understand their battle and condition, i may not want to spend a lot of time with them, but my heart is softened by this effort to "life and feel" in their shoes.

when this person is someone who has to be (or will be) in my life, i.e. working together, i try to communicate as much as possible. if the reason someone is bothering me is because they do something that i find upsetting, i usually will approach them and share the feedback and make a request that they stop treating me a certain way--if that's applicable. or talk to them with the intention of opening communication and seeking their impressions and forging something that will ease the situation.

while it's pretty rare for me to have real vitriol for someone, if that is the case, the best solution (bar none) for me is to pray for them. pray for my heart to be softened, and to pray for their welfare or whatever their needs are. that seems to work well for me with the "strongly disliked" group too.

 

[GaryA]

There are a few people in my life who really need actual physical love - as in quality time from me, someone to talk to, share things with, etc. But some of these people I really can't relate to at all, and don't agree with on many things. I feel God calling me to put myself in their life, and that's been a struggle for me. I don't know how to help them. I don't know if they even want help. I don't know what to say to them. And our times together are awkward and I feel unsure of my footing with them.

So yes, I can look at them and feel love for them, or pray for them, etc. But I need to be doing MORE. You know? Tangible stuff.

"Then don't..."

That is, don't jump ahead of what you do not yet understand. Pray for, and wait for, understanding from God - as to the specific nature of how He wants you to interact with them. In the meanwhile, do those [ general ] things which the Bible instructs us to do and be --- be available -- show them loving kindness -- be a friend, in as much as you are able.

As you wait, "keep an eye out for" any doors that God may open...

 

[seoulsearch]

For people who like to keep up very thick walls, I'm often not sure where the line is between reaching out to someone and having them feel as if I'm trying to force my time or presence on someone... so I usually choose to stay back and pray, because I know I don't like the feeling of having someone in my face, either.

I've kind of been on a mission to try to show small kindnesses to some of the overlooked employees at work (we're all overlooked for the most part, but a few were really on my heart.) It's taken 9 months, but now 2 of them who used to never say anything to me at all or just gave a half snarl actually said hi to me the last week, and even called me by name. I considered that a minor miracle.

The most trying people in my life right now have been those who feel they are entitled to everything above everyone else--that burns my butter in a way all its own and is always something I find very hard to deal with. At one location, it was economically challenged people who felt the government, society, and everyone else owed them something. At another, it was wealthy, privileged people who felt everyone owed them higher service and special treatment because they already lived amidst it. At my current location, there is a combination of both.

All I can say is... Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner, because I am not handling it well.

 

[ChandlerFan]

I think we've all experienced the reality that some personalities click and mesh really well with ours while some don't mesh or click at all. People have listed various reasons already why a person could be considered difficult, and I'm not sure there is anything we can do to change that fact. So, then, as some have already said, that means we need to pray for a compassion and humility and pray for them as well, but I also think this is where being plugged into community has such a high value. If there really are questions like, "How do I help them?" "Do they even want help?" "What do I even say?" you may not necessarily be the person that can answer those, but someone else might be. So I don't think that it's necessarily your responsibility to help those people all by yourself, and one of the best things you can do is get them plugged into the church you're active in. A lot of healing and change can happen in a person's life when they're in an environment where they're embraced and accepted by a whole group of people, and the burden is no longer solely on you to try to make that change and healing happen.

 

[Sirk]

I look at difficult people as a way for me to exercise my emotional muscles.....self control, patience, forebearance, humility...etc

 

[MissCris]

I can get along with just about anybody...for a while. At some point, some people show their colors and prove that they're just really difficult to be around. They're screwed up, or they're lashing out, or they're bossy or rude or...

I try to remember that I'm pretty screwed up, too. I try to extend to them the same grace that's been shown to me. I do okay with this until they start taking it out on me (whatever "it" is), and even then, I can forgive quite a bit. Eventually, though, I have to step back and say "Enough". Because...

A) I shouldn't be repeatedly disrespected or lectured or pushed around
B) It doesn't help them at all for me to be a doormat (enabling)
C) I lose patience and would rather bow out of their lives than spend my time with them fighting about everything

What I'm saying is, I haven't got any answers about this.

I've currently got a few different "difficult" people sort of on hold in my life...things reached a breaking point with each of them for various reasons, and I felt it was better to simply stop contact with them. But they've all been on my mind, and I feel like God is putting them there for a reason...but I don't know how to reach out to any of them without letting them back into my life on the same scale they were there before, if that makes sense. I miss them, actually, and I love each of them, but I'm really wary of getting involved yet again only to repeat the same cycle I've gone through with all three of them several times before.

 

[kenthomas27]

I can get along with just about anybody...for a while. At some point, some people show their colors and prove that they're just really difficult to be around. They're screwed up, or they're lashing out, or they're bossy or rude or...

I try to remember that I'm pretty screwed up, too. I try to extend to them the same grace that's been shown to me. I do okay with this until they start taking it out on me (whatever "it" is), and even then, I can forgive quite a bit. Eventually, though, I have to step back and say "Enough". Because...

A) I shouldn't be repeatedly disrespected or lectured or pushed around
B) It doesn't help them at all for me to be a doormat (enabling)
C) I lose patience and would rather bow out of their lives than spend my time with them fighting about everything

What I'm saying is, I haven't got any answers about this.

I've currently got a few different "difficult" people sort of on hold in my life...things reached a breaking point with each of them for various reasons, and I felt it was better to simply stop contact with them. But they've all been on my mind, and I feel like God is putting them there for a reason...but I don't know how to reach out to any of them without letting them back into my life on the same scale they were there before, if that makes sense. I miss them, actually, and I love each of them, but I'm really wary of getting involved yet again only to repeat the same cycle I've gone through with all three of them several times before.

I really like this answer to the OP because I have similar experiences. On the other hand, what do you do if someone really just doesn't want you around? That it's real clear to you that they don't really want your friendship? Is it best to cut ties and do like MissCris explained?

 

[gypsygirl]

I really like this answer to the OP because I have similar experiences. On the other hand, what do you do if someone really just doesn't want you around? That it's real clear to you that they don't really want your friendship? Is it best to cut ties and do like MissCris explained?

for people who genuinely want to be left alone, i think respecting their opinions is great, but not to assume that that stance will never change, or that that if/when it does, they come and inform you about it when it does.

those who want to isolate and "push folks away" often tend to be flaky about it, especially if the root cause changes or they adapt to the problem. in my experience, the people who push away at one time, might, only three or four months later, are just as likely to be upset that everyone is leaving them alone. it's almost like they forget that they are the ones initiating this, and start to believe that everyone is just leaving them because they desire to exclude them.

i have a couple folks in my life that are kind of that way (more or less) and i try to keep in touch from a distance. i'll drop a card, a note, a message on rare occasion, in a very inoffensive, "no expectations" way. and in one case, it was like they had evolved out of that "pushing people away" stage and responded to my note by getting in touch with me.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

All great advice, thank you friends! In my particular case, I was asked to reach out to this person by a loved one. It isn't so much that I can't tell whether they want me around or not, but rather that they are very socially awkward and extremely hard to read. So I must look to the loved one to let me know, and the loved one is asking that I push forward.

I definitely agree that some people just don't click, and I may not be the person needed to help with this. It just seems unloving for me to tell them that, when I know they need help so badly.

 

[sassylady]

I try not to associate with them anymore than I have to, but let a lot of things just run off my back if I do and realize you can never fully understand what is going on inside them.

I work with an extremely OCD, picky person that drives everybody crazy every single day. But she's a good employee and very accurate and knowledgeable. I avoid any bad talk about her by others knowing she needs at least one person at work that is not against her, even though she aggravates me too. She has even called me her buddy because I don't talk about her. I've let her have it verbally a couple times when she has gone too far; for example, she hates rubberbands, wants everybody to use binder clips. She started throwing my rubberband back at me and I told her that was enough of that, she was really pushing my buttons. You can't tolerate disrespect either.

 

[gypsygirl]

All great advice, thank you friends! In my particular case, I was asked to reach out to this person by a loved one. It isn't so much that I can't tell whether they want me around or not, but rather that they are very socially awkward and extremely hard to read. So I must look to the loved one to let me know, and the loved one is asking that I push forward.

I definitely agree that some people just don't click, and I may not be the person needed to help with this. It just seems unloving for me to tell them that, when I know they need help so badly.

for whatever reason, i find myself in this kind of place enough to also acknowledge that sometimes your intention and love is what shines through, more than your perfectly chosen words or having the exactly right thing to say.

i find that God regularly places people on my heart that i find very awkward to deal with, and that i don't really know how to relate well to. it's not easy, and honestly, i don't know whether i'm doing it very well. i'm just trying to be obedient, and hoping that they see Christ's love in me--all fumbling mess that i may be. i might even tell them they've been on my heart, and ask them how they are. i ask questions, and try to gather information to ascertain where their head is at, and how receptive they are.

in most cases, being honest is a really good thing, and i think people appreciate that kind of transparency when you feel awkward, since they are probably seeing that as well.

finally, i believe that God has often laid people on my heart as much for my benefit as theirs, as quite often when i am reaching out, i find that i am the one gaining the lessons and reward. so i've changed my attitude to stop seeing it as "i'm going to help someone by reaching out" but rather, i'm going to be sensitive to those placed on my heart, out of obedience and a desire to reflect Christ's love, for any/all purposes' gain.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I tend to get along with nearly everyone, even those many others find difficult, but there are a few people that I just really have trouble relating to or finding compassion for, and that bothers me. I know I can do better. But honestly, sometimes I want to just give up. Sadly, these are the kinds of people who probably need love and compassion the most.

Do you struggle with loving a difficult person in your life?

Is it a personality conflict, or something else, that makes it hard to love this person?

Do you feel that the person actually really needs love - from you?

WHY is this so hard??

How can we do better?


Matthew 5:46-47 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?

 

[kenthomas27]

for people who genuinely want to be left alone, i think respecting their opinions is great, but not to assume that that stance will never change, or that that if/when it does, they come and inform you about it when it does.

those who want to isolate and "push folks away" often tend to be flaky about it, especially if the root cause changes or they adapt to the problem. in my experience, the people who push away at one time, might, only three or four months later, are just as likely to be upset that everyone is leaving them alone. it's almost like they forget that they are the ones initiating this, and start to believe that everyone is just leaving them because they desire to exclude them.

i have a couple folks in my life that are kind of that way (more or less) and i try to keep in touch from a distance. i'll drop a card, a note, a message on rare occasion, in a very inoffensive, "no expectations" way. and in one case, it was like they had evolved out of that "pushing people away" stage and responded to my note by getting in touch with me.

In my case the person I was referring to is actually a family member and it's not because they just prefer to be alone. The reasons are more material in that a death in the family sometimes gives vultures wings. But when people are angry with you and it's absolutely nothing you've done or can even control; you're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. What do you do then? I've reached out a couple of times and the last time I think there was some progress. They only asked that a part of me actually got off their property. If I could have removed that part I bet I could've stayed.


how could somebody not like me?