My marriage story

[sueofaslan]

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

 

[Seeker47]

My heart aches for your situation. Under the best of situations marriage is difficult and requires constant sacrifice. You are the only one who can decide what you should do. Be patient. Stay in prayer.

Please seek someone God centered in your life that you can talk to.

Be careful with any advice you get here, especially mine!

 

[TheIndianGirl]

Based on the limited information here, the best thing you are do here is not to argue back but be quiet or say something like "You are always right, honey." If asked for an opinion, say you have no opinion. He will become frustrated talking to the wall and will stop. The Bible says it is best not argue back with some people. People who like arguments are fueled/energized by counter-arguments. Yelling louder does not work. At the same time, encourage his pleasant traits/behavior so the pleasant side of his personality can be reinforced. Aside from that, counseling and separation while things are being sorted might be beneficial.

 

[Runningman]

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

I think it's totally possible to have a difficult marriage, fall out of love with a spouse, and still not have a good Biblical reason to get a divorce. When that happens it can feel like you're trapped and without a clear route to escape what can only be described as chaos.

In my opinion, you both need a perspective change on what your marriage actually is. Ask yourselves the hard questions: do I still love this man? Can I see myself with this person for another year or a month? If the answer is no then changing your perspective on what the marriage is could help.

Maybe you don't need to prove yourself to him anymore because you've already tried to go the extra mile with him, thus fulfilling your duty to pursue peace if at all possible. Maybe what he's going through isn't your problem anymore. Maybe you can view him as your roommate instead.

It sounds like this isn't real in his mind yet. He's used to controlling you. I don't think you two can sort this out alone due to levels of toxicity rising too high. You two could seek a Christian marriage counselor. Ask him if he's open to getting a counselor involved to mediate for you two. A fresh perspective can help. Praying for you two.

 

[Gideon300]

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

You need to forgive your husband. And that is every time he says or does something to hurt you. When you forgive, God will intervene on your behalf. When we do not forgive, we put ourselves in a spiritual prison. Hard? No. Impossible - for us, that is. But there is a way. It works as I know from personal experience. For your own sake, read the article. It could transform your life. No, I did not write it. My late friend and mentor wrote it and many have been blessed.

https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart

 

[tourist]

I tried to be happy with him for a long time.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago.

The thing is, you're not happy with him. He seems controlling and treats you like a doormat. The separation idea has merit and may prove to be beneficial.

 

[Magenta]

You need to forgive your husband. And that is every time he says or does something to hurt you. When you forgive, God will intervene on your behalf. When we do not forgive, we put ourselves in a spiritual prison. Hard? No. Impossible - for us, that is. But there is a way. It works as I know from personal experience. For your own sake, read the article. It could transform your life. No, I did not write it. My late friend and mentor wrote it and many have been blessed.

https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart

I scanned the article, thank you I do, however, see a contradiction. First, it says we must forgive, then goes on to say only God (the Lord Jesus) can forgive, that it is God's business, not ours. The article says, when God forgives, He forgets. How is Sue to forget her husband's transgressions (his lack of recognizing, and total inability to respect, her boundaries), when he gives her no respite from his constant verbal onslaught, to the point of following her around and not giving her space when she needs it, yammering on at her through closed doors even? It sounds to me like they are unequally yoked: not in the sense of believer/non-believer, but in terms of basic personality modes. Such a person as that, the yammerer, is unlikely to change, or ever admit any fault of their own. As Sue pointed out, it is, according to her husband, always her fault. Is that how Jesus treats His own? A husband is supposed to love his wife as Jesus loves the church, giving his life up for her. It is meant to be a two way street, don't you think?

Dear Sue: I am sorry to hear of your predicament...

 

[SophieT]

I read the op. decided against responding. read some bad advice and smh. came back again and see contradictory advice and a couple of sensible practical additions

the description of your marriage sue, is not a marriage. what you describe sounds more like hell on earth and you can forgive and you probably have, but that will not change the abuse.

frankly, and I do not say this lightly, it is my opinion that a separation would at least give you a respite from the gaslighting and emotional and verbal attacks. from your op, I gather he has also sunk so low as to abuse you spiritually by saying you are not saved.
you cannot get much lower than that. actually, it's despicable.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

don't go crazy. be proactive and deal with your situation in a positive way. you do not have to 'do this' the rest of your life. if you have somewhere to go and someone to stay with (parents? friend who knows about your situation?) and it is financially doable, you should follow up on your desire to get away from the whirlwind of immature and abusive selfishness you have sadly married

I am very sorry to read of your predicament but you are far from alone. Far too many Christian women find themselves in a very similar situation with a supposed 'Christian' man.

 

[Dino246]

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

Sorry for you. I would recommend reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Separation is not divorce, and separation might be the only way to demonstrate to your husband that you are serious.

 

[TenderHeart]

Beloved, I’m sorry to hear of your troubles in your marriage. That sounds very frustrating. I can understand how alone you must feel. I don’t have any advice. I’m not a person to give advice because I am divorced myself. I will tell you this, life is very short and your peace must be protected above all things. My mother currently has four months left to live apparently, according to the doctors, and I witnessed firsthand when I lived with my parents To support early in her diagnosis,how terrible my dad really is towards her. He was very good at masking it to the outside world but when I was young I knew something was wrong. He is what is known as the covert narcissist. Anyway According to the doctor my mom is at the end of her life, and it’s unfortunate that she wasted a lot of years on a terrible relationship. It broke not only my heart but hers to see her in a weakened state, due to cancer, when she had been so strong before. And the way he treated her was some thing I can never forget. I’ve had to forgive for my own benefit. But I will never forget. Take what you want from that story. I hope God blesses you with what you need so that you can have peace in your heart. ❤️

 

[SomeDisciple]

You have dissimilar beliefs, and aren't actually interested in what he does? I didn't know arranged marriages were still a thing .

I feel like it's important to hash out biblical beliefs with somebody before you get married. Are you sure that the things you are disagreeing on really aren't important? Because it sounds like it might be important to him... and if he thinks it's important, the LAST THING you should do is act like it's not important. Even if you don't agree on the issue right away, you should be like "yeah, i don't know, but lets look into this more soon". If you don't understand why something is important, then ask and discuss. If your husband thinks it's important that the two of you agree on something, then let him know that you'd like to come to an agreement as well. Even if he is wrong on the issue itself, if he thinks the issue is important, then it is.

At work, my boss' concerns are my concerns. Her priorities are my priorities. I believe there is a blessing that comes with this kind of submission. That doesn't mean I don't ever disagree, or even change her mind on things, but I never write her off. Even if what I think she is saying is dumb.

If you did a lot of "acting happy" and "going along with" stuff, that probably didn't help matters. It's going to be hard for him to realize you really were not happy. Consider that. Saying you want to separate is going to be perceived as you trying to abandon ship instead of saving it.

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

He is being abusive
It's unacceptable

 

[Seeker47]

Beloved, I’m sorry to hear of your troubles in your marriage. That sounds very frustrating. I can understand how alone you must feel. I don’t have any advice. I’m not a person to give advice because I am divorced myself. I will tell you this, life is very short and your peace must be protected above all things. My mother currently has four months left to live apparently, according to the doctors, and I witnessed firsthand when I lived with my parents To support early in her diagnosis,how terrible my dad really is towards her. He was very good at masking it to the outside world but when I was young I knew something was wrong. He is what is known as the covert narcissist. Anyway According to the doctor my mom is at the end of her life, and it’s unfortunate that she wasted a lot of years on a terrible relationship. It broke not only my heart but hers to see her in a weakened state, due to cancer, when she had been so strong before. And the way he treated her was some thing I can never forget. I’ve had to forgive for my own benefit. But I will never forget. Take what you want from that story. I hope God blesses you with what you need so that you can have peace in your heart. ❤️

You and your mother are in my prayers. We know her sacrifice has not been in vein, but works to some ultimate goal. Some good for her and for others. Only on that sweet day we meet our loved ones again will the truth be known. Oh how we must look forward to that day.

 

[SophieT]

You have dissimilar beliefs, and aren't actually interested in what he does? I didn't know arranged marriages were still a thing .

I feel like it's important to hash out biblical beliefs with somebody before you get married. Are you sure that the things you are disagreeing on really aren't important? Because it sounds like it might be important to him... and if he thinks it's important, the LAST THING you should do is act like it's not important. Even if you don't agree on the issue right away, you should be like "yeah, i don't know, but lets look into this more soon". If you don't understand why something is important, then ask and discuss. If your husband thinks it's important that the two of you agree on something, then let him know that you'd like to come to an agreement as well. Even if he is wrong on the issue itself, if he thinks the issue is important, then it is.

At work, my boss' concerns are my concerns. Her priorities are my priorities. I believe there is a blessing that comes with this kind of submission. That doesn't mean I don't ever disagree, or even change her mind on things, but I never write her off. Even if what I think she is saying is dumb.

If you did a lot of "acting happy" and "going along with" stuff, that probably didn't help matters. It's going to be hard for him to realize you really were not happy. Consider that. Saying you want to separate is going to be perceived as you trying to abandon ship instead of saving it.

typical

must somehow be the woman's fault

and by the way, since when should anyone 'submit' to abuse? perhaps read how a husband is supposed to act towards his wife in a 'Christian' marriage. would you say the same if the husband was abusing children? would that somehow invoke a blessing too?

I do agree that people should have discussion about what they believe before they are married...but often enough, the goal is marriage and there are no obstacles in a discussion. people would have to be mature and not starry eyed. but if you notice, the op does say the talked alot and got nowhere in the beginning of the marriage and the op would want to stop and her husband bullied her and followed her around still arguing.

I noticed you are not married. experience goes a long way and you, it seems, do not have that first hand experience

 

[sueofaslan]

I think it's totally possible to have a difficult marriage, fall out of love with a spouse, and still not have a good Biblical reason to get a divorce. When that happens it can feel like you're trapped and without a clear route to escape what can only be described as chaos.

In my opinion, you both need a perspective change on what your marriage actually is. Ask yourselves the hard questions: do I still love this man? Can I see myself with this person for another year or a month? If the answer is no then changing your perspective on what the marriage is could help.

I've been thinking that too. What is marriage supposed to be? Books even Christian relationship books I've read say it should be romantic, intimate, close, wonderful. If it's not, then it should be fixed and made that way. But I wonder is that always possible? Should I excpect or hope my marriage is like in those books, like in those seminars? Can everyone really have a marriage like that? Maybe it's good to try for, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who wanted to give up because it seems impossible or unlikely.

But do I want to live with a rommate like him? Do I want to give up on the possibility of happiness, even if not happiness in marriage, then happiness alone? is that what God wants? The Bible says that God hates divorce. Of course that keeps going through my mind, over and over. In the OT, the husband could send his wife away. Could a woman send her husband away, or leave him if she wanted? I read that in those times, a woman would be destitute without a man, so that's why or at least much of the reason why God didn't want men to send their wives away. It would often be a poor fate ful of poverty. The world isn't like that anyway. I could take care of myself without him. Maybe I'm just rationalizing, maybe not.

 

[sueofaslan]

You have dissimilar beliefs, and aren't actually interested in what he does? I didn't know arranged marriages were still a thing .

I feel like it's important to hash out biblical beliefs with somebody before you get married. Are you sure that the things you are disagreeing on really aren't important? Because it sounds like it might be important to him... and if he thinks it's important, the LAST THING you should do is act like it's not important.

OK I know you're joking a bit but we talked to his pastor before we married. We're both Christians. We're not from that different denominations (I almost spelling demoninations ha). We don't disagree anything in the Nicene creed.

I tried to take part with him in his hobbies, talk to him about what hew as interested in. I mean recently. I just felt awkward being with him. I don't think it was really his hobbies themselves that I found boring or uninteresting, just how I felt about being with him to see whther I could improve our relationship or like him better by trying to do things he liked with him.

 

[Seeker47]

Have no doubt marriage takes a long time to work out. Lots of tears will be shed. Someone said that, "Marriage is two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other".

 

[Lanolin]

sorry to hear about this, sounds like a classic case of a gaslighting narcissist. So difficult to live with someone who only thinks of themselves.
Do you have children? Are they going to follow his example?

 

[Jh]

From just your side of the story, maybe your husband should understand this verse, it will benefit you as well. Love and happiness go so well together, we tend to make the mistake that without one you can’t have the other. Let god lead your heart. You will be ok.

“ Love is patient,(A) love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.(B) 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,(C) it is not easily angered,(D) it keeps no record of wrongs.(E) 6 Love does not delight in evil(F) but rejoices with the truth.(G) 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.(H)” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

 

[SomeDisciple]

OK I know you're joking a bit but we talked to his pastor before we married. We're both Christians. We're not from that different denominations (I almost spelling demoninations ha). We don't disagree anything in the Nicene creed.

I'm glad you both believe in Jesus. Once I dated a woman that was culturally christian, and she eventually admitted that "she believed in god, and the bible teaches good morals, but Jesus was not actually be real, because virgin birth is silly, of course it's just a story" !

I don't know how set in your beliefs you guys are, but I just really think that being open to the idea that you could eventually come to agreement on the scripture is a good thing. If you just say "we're not going to agree" and shut him out, it probably comes across as defeatism. If he gets frustrated, ask him to be more patient and more gentle. Look further into what you are disagreeing about. Figuring out what is right is more important than who was right. Even if you are already on the right side of the issue, the Lord may want you to learn something new. Ideally, in the process you'd be able to find something you do agree on to bring yourselves closer- and then you can be thankful for him for raising the issue in the first place.

Please, definitely don't take my post as putting the blame on either of you, I was just offering what I considered to be a way to reconcile with him, rather than going for the nuclear option (separation).

I tried to take part with him in his hobbies, talk to him about what hew as interested in. I mean recently. I just felt awkward being with him. I don't think it was really his hobbies themselves that I found boring or uninteresting, just how I felt about being with him to see whther I could improve our relationship or like him better by trying to do things he liked with him.

So there is something about him specifically then? Something he does, or the way he acts that inspires boredom/disinterest. A weakness? A character flaw? What turns you off?