Well like I said, it's kind of hard to read my "voice" into text. I'll just let you know that while I've had crazy experiences I went looking for them and was wayward in my heart. I've also had Satanic experiences that I was legit forced to turn to Jesus and know him deeper. I didn't exactly ask for that but I opened the door thinking it was ok to dabble in certain areas. So I sort of forced timing in my own life...God IS jealous.
I can tell my story for probably 48 hours straight and you know what it changes every day the things that come to mind and so forth and so on. I have an issue with circumlocution. Something of a curse...
I'll be honest with you about the first statement of feelings vs faith. I have no idea what faith even is. I know what the biblical answer is "substance of things hoped for, evidence of things unseen" In which case I definitely have at least a mustard seed amount. There are plenty of times where I'm quite honestly angry at the Lord. I mean I'm 28 and in a similar boat. A handful of really powerful experiences is nothing for all of the "dull as the doldrums" moments, where honestly I'm just bored. So bored that I entertain other "powers".
Is a relationship with God supposed to be boring? What if I'm the one who's being boring? By focusing on myself too much and what I want, what my issues are, when life will begin, is this it? etc etc. I can go on and on.
What's my purpose in life? Why am I even here? Does anyone really want me here? They say they do but they can't really love me. They can't be my friend, they can't hold my hand, we can't share the intimacy I deep down feel I need to even stay alive. There are times I've been so depressed that it's gone into suicidal territory but where I rest is...hey guess what...God can take me. He put the breath in my lungs, he can take it out...I've asked.
This isn't a command but I highly encourage you to read Job 7. There was a time where I literally felt like no one got me but God and I was just laying there...at first with suicidal fantasies (which end up being rather boring) suicide is boring. NO ONE satisfies like the Lord. No one submits and humbles like the Lord either though. So I just got so depressed that I settled on "black hatred" almost like a bargaining tool and realized "no that won't go anywhere either, as I can't force him with my pitifulness
"
So I just kind of settled on being angry, bitter, mournful, depressed, with a large heaping of disassociation and derealization. What's near me? Bible. Alas. So I just read Job because I feel like his story mirrors mine at times. The whole thing sort of lifted me straight up out of my funk. I say to myself...well if no one else gets it "at least Job does". Read what he wrote.
I just reread it but this was one verse that stuck out to me that I still forcefully connect with because who is the God of my dreams? If I pray in Jesus name and believe with everything I have and I still have horrendous nightmares...God ordered it. So.
"13. When I say, my bed shall comfort me, my couch shall ease my complaint; 14. Then thou scarest me with dreams, and terrifiest me through visions" Happened to me last night. Do I get it? Nope. Do I also get the giggles, and some of the sappiest parts of scripture just seem to manifest? Yes. At times.
I don't get half the stuff that happens to me. I feel like I'm building it up though quite a bit and partly that's because it's in my face atm. Sometimes I get incredibly frustrated and far away. Sometimes things are so bleak that the Satanic crap that fills my brain just causes me to turn to the Lord because honestly I want to please him. I don't want to be away from him. I want to hear the "well done" despite how hard everything seems to be for me.
You are right though, even if you got a hug from the Lord. It's just not the same. It's deeper but it's spiritual, it isn't physical. I want to enjoy my flesh. I want to show people that pretty waterfall I found. I know the Lord's already seen it. When I look for friends they get turned off by my "weird factor". They love me but I don't think they like me. Even when people have told me out of the blue they like me (platonicly) it just doesn't connect. I want someone to share in "life". To not be alone etc. etc.
I do thank you for this thread because oddly it has brought out an absurd backlog of things that I just stifle. I don't like the publicity of the net but I'm at the point where I don't care.
I had a thought the other day...there was a movie I think called "seeking a friend for the end of the world" and it just kind of hit me. Not the movie itself but the concept. Just a friend. I think I have a friend in Jesus but he isn't here. His spirit is at work but umm...physically no.
So all that is pretty random I guess so take it for what it's worth.
Somehow talking about myself I feel pride creep back in (other times oddly it's pitiful self abusive rhetoric) and scripture brings me back down to earth. So here's one for the road
Is 45:9 "Woe unto him that striveth with his Maker!
Let the potsherd
strive with the potsherds of the earth. Shall the clay say to him that fashioneth it, What makest thou? or thy work, He hath no hands?"
So I'm thinking strive is different than what is mentioned in Vs 19. Seeking and striving. Two different things. I think I've been guilty of striving and have neglected seeking at times. A big difference it makes although our natural tendency is to contend and challenge. Anyway peace.