strategies for dealing with...the difficult mother

[Lanolin]

Does anybody have this, well you are not alone
How do you cope though

Its not that you can ever leave or run away from your mother as she will always find a way even if you moved a continent away.

And you cannot always please or placate your mother, as your efforts will never be 'good enough' if you are not deemed 'the golden child' who can do no wrong (if this is you, maybe theres another downside to always being right or being the one who gets away with everything)

Please share.
I have come to accept that some mothers will never be the ideal mothers that we dream of, who do basic mother things like encourage us when we are down or comfort us. But its a hard road and that hole is always there wanting filled. There will also come a time when your mother is ill or unwell and then family obligation look after her will kick in, what do you do, even if shes abused you and will never stop giving you a hard time?

 

[Nehemiah6]

...what do you do, even if shes abused you and will never stop giving you a hard time?

Just do what the Lord taught us to do: Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you...

Not an easy thing to do, but He giveth more grace.

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

Limited contact helps

 

[Seeker47]

Whether you have the best mom on earth or something else, there is a bond between you that is unique, not shared with anyone else. No one should ever endure abuse from anyone, but please keep the door open so God may enter and perhaps totally change your relationship. He does that sometimes, you know.

 

[Lanolin]

I wondered about this door whether its been smashed up a few times or theres a gaping draught or maybe its like a revolving one that smacks you in the face each time.

I dont know if you can ever lock your mother out though it doesnt seem fair when she can just barges on in..as is her right I suppose, since we have all came out of HER womb.

 

[surfer14]

I had always thought my mother was cold, hard and unloving. Then she died. And over the years I've come to learn that she was actually pretty awesome. Sometimes you just don't realize all the great things about a person until you don't have them anymore. So I say cut your mom some slack. She might love you in her own way and you might just not be able to see it right now. If I knew then what I know now, I would certainly have given her more love and thanks for all she ever did for me.

 

[Seeker47]

The door I speak about is not for anyone to barge in on. Again, no one should tolerate abuse. The door is your heart, your willingness to wait and to understand there are significant things yet to come. It is your willingness to offer this issue in prayer, both for yourself and your mother. Keeping the door open is refusing to conclude that what is now, must always be. Protect yourself but keep your heart open to the unexpected miracle that may yet come. Don't put God in a box. Don't stop caring.

(Sorry if this is too preachy, I just have a perspective).

 

[Lanolin]

The door I speak about is not for anyone to barge in on. Again, no one should tolerate abuse. The door is your heart, your willingness to wait and to understand there are significant things yet to come. It is your willingness to offer this issue in prayer, both for yourself and your mother. Keeping the door open is refusing to conclude that what is now, must always be. Protect yourself but keep your heart open to the unexpected miracle that may yet come. Don't put God in a box. Don't stop caring.

(Sorry if this is too preachy, I just have a perspective).

is this what happened with your mother? Just wondering. Share if you have a testimony!

 

[Seeker47]

Long story made short. I had a lifetime struggle with an alcoholic father. He got sick and was not doing well. I received a brief message from God. Brief but overwhelming; it was like being soaked in a tsunami. "Go forgive your father!" I did not want to, but when He tells you to do something, choice is really not on the table.

I went and told my Father that I loved him and forgave him, all while crying like a baby. What followed was the only real conversation I ever had with my father. I sat on the edge his bed and we talked for a long time. An awful lot of healing took place that morning. He died three days later.

Only a God of love and grace could have made that happen, I thank him with joy for that conversation.

 

[Dino246]

I’d encourage you to read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

 

[Mii]

Worst comes to worst...if you ever get married, I'm sure your spouse will set some boundaries.

If not? Idk, people seem to change quite a bit as they age into certain brackets so that's something to keep in mind too as a boon.

My father didn't live long enough for me to set boundaries (16/45) and my relationship with my mother does require some (mostly for her benefit) but I'm not a female so maybe I can't relate.

 

[Mem]

Boundaries are addressed in this video also

 

[OrphanedRepublican]

I'm afraid I just can't relate. I was so blessed with the parents I had. I'm sad to see you have a dysfunctional relationship.

My mother wasn't perfect. But she was the best. My two parents were the best friends I ever had in the world and both have passed away.

But I was blessed and not everybody was blessed with the wonderful parents I had. The odd thing is, both of them rather disliked their own parents. My mother confessed to absolutely hating her father and my father's parents were drinkers and his mother somewhat derelict. They didn't have great role models but somehow managed to be strong wonderful parents to me and my sisters.

 

[Lanolin]

Long story made short. I had a lifetime struggle with an alcoholic father. He got sick and was not doing well. I received a brief message from God. Brief but overwhelming; it was like being soaked in a tsunami. "Go forgive your father!" I did not want to, but when He tells you to do something, choice is really not on the table.

I went and told my Father that I loved him and forgave him, all while crying like a baby. What followed was the only real conversation I ever had with my father. I sat on the edge his bed and we talked for a long time. An awful lot of healing took place that morning. He died three days later.

Only a God of love and grace could have made that happen, I thank him with joy for that conversation.

oh ok I was talking specifically about MOTHERS in this thread. Its easier to forgive fathers, they usually have no clue what they did wrong. But mothers know everything.

 

[Lanolin]

Worst comes to worst...if you ever get married, I'm sure your spouse will set some boundaries.

If not? Idk, people seem to change quite a bit as they age into certain brackets so that's something to keep in mind too as a boon.

My father didn't live long enough for me to set boundaries (16/45) and my relationship with my mother does require some (mostly for her benefit) but I'm not a female so maybe I can't relate.

er...why would a spouse set boundaries. The bond can never be broken between mother and child, particularly mother and daughter EVEN when you are married. Thats the whole thing.

 

[Lanolin]

I'm afraid I just can't relate. I was so blessed with the parents I had. I'm sad to see you have a dysfunctional relationship.

My mother wasn't perfect. But she was the best. My two parents were the best friends I ever had in the world and both have passed away.

But I was blessed and not everybody was blessed with the wonderful parents I had. The odd thing is, both of them rather disliked their own parents. My mother confessed to absolutely hating her father and my father's parents were drinkers and his mother somewhat derelict. They didn't have great role models but somehow managed to be strong wonderful parents to me and my sisters.

maybe you can just bless the ones who didnt get blessed as part of your minsitry then. I dont know how because I cant bless myself obviously. What did you mum say to you that was the blessing you received.

I imagine it was something like. 'You are the best daughter ever' love mum. or... I dont know. I cant think of anything that doesnt involve a put down from mine.

 

[Lanolin]

I remember watching this movie called I can only imagine. It was about this real mean horrible dad who's son ran away and went to write christian music, and achieved his dream despite his dad beating him up and everything..and then his dad was dying of cancer and then heard a preacher and miraculously converted and the son forgave his dad and they built a relationship tht they never had before he died.

apparently true life story.

well anyway, theres no death bed conversions going to happen for my mum because she already had a cancer scare and it was like a huge guilt trip over who was going to care about her. OF COURSE will look after you mum. so we did everything and she was still in a snitch about it, even when miraculously recovering. And now shes fine. But that didnt make any her closer to God.

 

[Blik]

I was separated from Mom until I was almost six. When I met her she said "hello" and "now you will change".

I tried and tried, she never approved of anything I tried. When she passed away I bought a huge dog, a backpack tent, and a backpack and went on a very isolated wilderness trail. I yelled at her at the top of my voice "I was created by God and you have no right to change what God created". My life immediately seemed to straighten out.

 

[OldSage]

I was separated from Mom until I was almost six. When I met her she said "hello" and "now you will change".

I tried and tried, she never approved of anything I tried. When she passed away I bought a huge dog, a backpack tent, and a backpack and went on a very isolated wilderness trail. I yelled at her at the top of my voice "I was created by God and you have no right to change what God created". My life immediately seemed to straighten out.

How did your dog react?

 

[OldSage]

Does anybody have this, well you are not alone
How do you cope though

Its not that you can ever leave or run away from your mother as she will always find a way even if you moved a continent away.

And you cannot always please or placate your mother, as your efforts will never be 'good enough' if you are not deemed 'the golden child' who can do no wrong (if this is you, maybe theres another downside to always being right or being the one who gets away with everything)

Please share.
I have come to accept that some mothers will never be the ideal mothers that we dream of, who do basic mother things like encourage us when we are down or comfort us. But its a hard road and that hole is always there wanting filled. There will also come a time when your mother is ill or unwell and then family obligation look after her will kick in, what do you do, even if shes abused you and will never stop giving you a hard time?

I think in human relationships we either deal with someone, or we cut them adrift.
If you cut someone adrift and they plague you, we generally call this person a stalker.
If you tolerate their stalking, then you probably weren't serious when you cut them off.
Cutting off a close family member - parent, spouse, child - has to be a very major decision I would have thought.
I would think carefully, make the decision or not, send it to them in writing if they are the kind of person who
doesn't do subtlety. And then move on.
Conversely, after prayer and reflection, you may see that their sins are not as big as you make them out to be, so then
just carry on in patience.