I am 76 years old and put up a link to an article about Christian dating. It was removed because it might be seen as an attempt to promote a web site. I think I can post the article (with no external references) here as a pdf. Feel free to copy and pass along.
Thoughts of Christian Dating
- Thread starter timf
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I like your points about how the world is simply different than previous eras, and how this presents its own unique challenges.
I also find it interesting that you actually set someone up when they expressed their desire to marry. I think, today, the more common response is to tell those people that it'll happen in "God's timing" and thus they shouldn't worry about it. Or a patronizing lecture about how finding a date shouldn't be your "Number One Priority" or whatever, and instead you Number One Priority is "following Jesus." Wow. Really? I didn't know that!
The point about parents' permission is also good. When you marry someone, you're joining two families together. Their parents are going to be related to you until you die. So obviously you want to start out on a solid foundation. If you can address their (totally normal) concerns, then you give them the opportunity to be supportive of the marriage. I mean, people like being invited to things, even if they decline the invitation. It also makes it easier for them to actually celebrate the relationship if they have the chance to evaluate it up close.
Say you're a guy and you ask a girl's father for permission to date or marry her. In her father's mind, this woman was just a kid not very long ago. He knows how much he loves her, and he knows how dangerous the world is. Then a guy comes along and asks to take her "away," basically.
When you meet a girl's parents, you should let them know that you value their influence. People love talking about themselves, but if you show interest in them, it'll help build trust. Don't just show up for the meeting and roll in with your agenda. Something else you should do as a couple is figure out both of your financial situations. Make sure you can actually afford a place to live, manage a household, afford health insurance, are in careers where you can move up and provide for a family, etc. Show them that, not only do you want to provide for their child, but that you actually can do it.
You also mention that "after marriage there would be the time for hot passion." This is another good point. When people have sex, it causes a chemical reaction in the brain that makes you feel "in love" and "attached." Dopamine (the same thing that's stimulated by addictive drugs) and oxytocin (the same thing released by breastfeeding mothers that deepens the bond between a mother and her child) People use the term "casual sex," but there isn't really such a thing. Sex is designed for bonding, not just pleasure. If you're "of the world," you don't really understand that. In 1 Corinthians 6:16 Paul mentions that someone who has sex with a prostitute becomes "one flesh" with her. That's why a lot of people find it hard to break up with someone they had sex with. It's like going through withdrawal. In 1 Corinthians 6:18 Paul mentions someone sinning against their own body, which is good way to put it.
And, of course, today lots of people get so used to getting dopamine hits from online erotic content that they become dependent on that sort of thing to arouse them. It fries their "circuitry," if you will. It becomes harder and harder for you to be sensitive to normal or slower-building stimuli like romance, dating, or married sex. You can't quite enjoy true intimacy with a spouse. Paul sort of mentions this in Ephesians 4:19. See also Proverbs 5.
To the unbelieving world, saving sex for marriage is ridiculous and only for prudes. But there's good reasons for it, and I'm sure many unbelievers learn this the hard way.
Most children don't ask permission to date from their dates parents. They date anyway without asking, or they just aren't allowed to date at all. They should be in school!
As for marriage well for the guy if he asks he's supposed to ask the gal first, not the dad! There's no point in asking the dad if the gal hasn't said yes first. You can't ambush a gal like that.
As for marriage well for the guy if he asks he's supposed to ask the gal first, not the dad! There's no point in asking the dad if the gal hasn't said yes first. You can't ambush a gal like that.
Sorry carry on. I don't know anything about Christian dating except for those books by pastor's daughters saying they want to grow up to be a pastors wife. Its very easy to date and marry a Christian when your entire family already lives and works at church anyway.
Putting a Christian label on anything doesn't make a Christian, it only perverses your perception.
Season 4 already?
Apparently rod and lovette have already commandeered your thread for another season of their long-standing debate. Sorry about that.
They could spend a month filling up this thread with thousands of posts. Or they might move on to another post about dating in 2 days. Hard to tell.
The Bible does not describe "dating" because the modern form of dating did not exist in biblical cultures.
But it does not follow that every modern method of pursuing marriage is therefore unchristian.
By that logic, "Christian schools," "Christian podcasts," "Christian conferences," and "Christian bookstores" would also be oxymorons because none existed in the first century.
The biblical question is not whether the word dating appears in Scripture.
The question is whether the relationship honors biblical principles:
Pursuing marriage rather than immorality (1 Cor. 7:2).
Marrying "only in the Lord" (1 Cor. 7:39).
Treating one another in purity (1 Tim. 5:1-2).
Fleeing sexual sin (1 Cor. 6:18).
Walking in holiness and self-control (1 Thess. 4:3-7).
Scripture gives principles for relationships.
The specific cultural method of getting to know a potential spouse may vary from one society to another.
So I would say the real issue is not whether someone "dates."
The issue is whether the relationship is being conducted in a way that conforms to biblical teaching.
Calling all dating unchristian goes beyond what Scripture itself explicitly says.
Those other methods are means of communication to preach God's gospel, it's not comparable. Communication tools evolve with time, marriage doesn't, unless you agree with gay marriage and polyamory.
In Gen. 2, God determined it's not good for Adam to be alone, created Eve - an equal partner - for him and brought her to him. Dating is the opposite, YOU determine it's not good for you to be alone, you seek whomever you like, you bring them to yourself, all opposite to biblical principles.
And just to be clearn, I'm not saying that dating is evil or immoral, I'm saying that don't label it "Christian” when it's conducted in an ungodly fashion. You want it to be Christian, revive public courtship or arranged marriage. You want to date for your own pleasure, don't call it Christian.
I think you've shifted the discussion from "Christian dating" to "Christian courtship," and those are not necessarily the same argument.
I agree that Genesis 2 presents God bringing Eve to Adam.
I also agree that marriage is God's institution, not man's invention.
But where does Scripture command arranged marriage or public courtship as the only legitimate means of finding a spouse?
Isaac and Rebekah's situation was not Jacob's.
Jacob actively pursued Rachel.
Ruth and Boaz look different from either.
Scripture gives us examples, but not a single universal method.
More importantly, your distinction seems to rest on the assumption that if a person takes initiative in seeking a spouse, he is replacing God.
But by that logic, obtaining a job, choosing a church, or moving to a new city would also be unchristian because the person actively pursued something rather than passively waiting.
The biblical issue is not whether someone takes initiative.
The biblical issue is whether they do so in submission to God.
So I would agree with you that much modern dating is worldly, recreational, and disconnected from marriage.
But I do not see Scripture teaching that every form of dating is therefore unchristian.
If two believers pursue one another with marriage in view, walk in purity, seek counsel, honor Christ, and conduct themselves according to biblical principles, I see no reason why the adjective "Christian" cannot apply.
The question is not whether the method appeared in Genesis.
The question is whether the relationship is being conducted according to God's revealed will.
That is the standard Scripture consistently gives us.
You say I have shifted the discussion from Christian dating to Christian courtship, but that distinction itself assumes that modern dating is a biblically legitimate institution that merely needs Christian modifications. Where does Scripture establish dating as a recognized stage of romantic relationships? It does not. Modern dating developed within a particular social and historical context, whereas the biblical pattern places marriage within family, community, and covenantal responsibilities. The burden is therefore on you to demonstrate that modern dating is consistent with biblical principles, not merely to assert that it can be conducted in a Christian manner.
I am not arguing that Scripture commands arranged marriage as the only permissible method. I am arguing that the absence of a universal command for one particular historical marriage custom does not validate every alternative. Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, and Ruth and Boaz illustrate different circumstances, but none establishes modern dating as a biblical institution. Biblical narratives describe what happened; they do not automatically prescribe every practice they depict. Jacob's pursuit of Rachel, for example, occurred within a framework of family obligations, labor, and an eventual marriage commitment—not the modern practice of entering successive romantic relationships to discover personal compatibility.
Your analogy with pursuing a job or choosing a church is also a false equivalence. Employment and church membership are not romantic relationships involving sexual temptation, emotional intimacy, and the possibility of creating expectations of lifelong commitment without actually making that commitment. Scripture treats sexual morality and marriage as matters requiring particular seriousness. Consequently, the fact that initiative is legitimate in ordinary life does not establish that every method of pursuing romance is equally legitimate.
You also argue that two believers can date with marriage in view, maintain purity, seek counsel, and honor Christ. But these conditions describe how a relationship might be conducted; they do not establish that dating itself is a biblically authorized institution. A person can impose biblical rules on a modern practice without demonstrating that the practice's underlying structure is wise or consistent with Scripture. Moreover, intending to marry does not automatically make a relationship prudent: intentions can change, attachments can deepen, and repeated romantic relationships can create emotional consequences even when sexual sin is avoided.
The central question, therefore, is not whether people can behave morally while dating. Of course they can. It is whether the modern dating model—typically involving romantic pairing before a firm commitment to marriage, potentially followed by multiple successive relationships—is the wisest framework for Christians to adopt. Scripture emphasizes sexual purity (1 Thessalonians 4:3–5), treating others with holiness and honor (1 Thessalonians 4:6–7), and the seriousness of marriage (Hebrews 13:4). These principles challenge a relationship model that separates romantic intimacy from covenantal commitment.
Finally, calling something “Christian” because its participants profess Christian beliefs and attempt to follow biblical principles does not settle the question. The adjective cannot substitute for examining the practice itself. The fact that modern dating can be modified to avoid certain sins does not prove that it is biblically prescribed, necessary, or preferable to a marriage-oriented process involving intentional discernment, family and community accountability, and a clear purpose of determining whether marriage is appropriate.
I therefore do not need to prove that every form of dating is explicitly forbidden by a verse. My argument is that modern dating is a human-created social convention, not a biblical institution, and that Christians should not assume it is God's intended model for finding a spouse simply because they can attach biblical safeguards to it. The relevant question is whether its structure promotes the purposes and principles Scripture establishes for relationships and marriage—not merely whether two people can participate in it without committing an obvious sin.
In my experience, at some point or other, a Christian dating couple usually gets the parents involved somehow, whether it's by asking permission, having a meeting, discussing their plans, etc., etc.
I'm not saying every Christian couple does it, but it's a good idea. In my experience, yeah, a guy will express his feelings for a girl, she'll reciprocate, and then the guy asks the Dad first if he's OK with it.
I mean, one of the most basic biblical commands is “Honor your father and mother” (Eph. 6:2) That's a broader command than the command to "obey" them we see in verse 1. It's be good to wait for their parents’ blessing. I think it's worth waiting for even if you end up waiting a long time. But probably not forever. And we should communicate to our parents that we desire their blessing.
I get that this tradition is "cultural," but that doesn't mean it's old-fashioned or foolish. Why would it be foolish? In 1 Corinthians 13:5 Paul says that love "does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil" Now, that word "rudely" here (or "unseemly") means that love doesn’t "blow off traditions," if you will. Or unnecessarily despise cultural mores and customs.
Yeah, a lot of Western marriage traditions are only traditions. Kinda like wedding traditions, like the white dress, the church ceremony, walking down the aisle, etc., etc. Do you need to follow all these traditions? No. But I think that if you live in a culture where these traditions are valued or expected, the you need to have good biblical reasons for doing things a different way.
You and lovette really need to get yourselves some hobbies.
I agree that Christians should not simply assume every cultural practice is acceptable because it is common.
However, I am not convinced that the absence of an explicit biblical institution of dating is sufficient grounds to reject it.
Scripture does not present a single universal method by which a man and woman move toward marriage.
As you noted, the circumstances of Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, and Ruth and Boaz differ considerably.
What Scripture consistently provides are principles governing purity, wisdom, self-control, holiness, and the sanctity of marriage, rather than a prescribed relationship process.
For that reason, I would respectfully suggest that the central issue is not whether dating appears as a recognized institution in Scripture, but whether a particular relationship is conducted in a manner that honors God.
The existence of abuses within modern dating certainly raises valid concerns, and I agree that many contemporary dating practices reflect worldly assumptions rather than biblical values.
Yet demonstrating that a practice is often misused is not the same as demonstrating that it is inherently contrary to Scripture.
A relationship intentionally pursued for the purpose of discerning marriage, conducted in purity, accountability, and submission to biblical principles, seems different in kind from the recreational and serial dating culture that many Christians rightly criticize.
I also agree that simply attaching the adjective "Christian" to a practice does not automatically justify it.
Every practice should be examined in light of Scripture.
At the same time, human-developed social conventions are not necessarily illegitimate simply because they are not explicitly found in the biblical text.
The question is whether they conflict with biblical principles or help facilitate them.
Therefore, while I respect the argument that courtship may often be a wiser approach, I remain unconvinced that Scripture establishes courtship as a required model or that it forbids every form of dating.
It seems to me that the discussion is ultimately one of wisdom and application rather than a matter of explicit biblical prohibition.