What happens after divorce?

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Hungry

Senior Member
Nov 26, 2012
2,022
596
113
#81
Apparently there is a vast ignorance of the law. Not even a king was allowed to gather wives to himself. I do not understand fuly how David and Solomon for two, got away with their filandering, but they certainly were living in the grace of God………..you figure it out; I will remain content hearing our King.
I just read the law. It states kings aren’t allowed to take many wives, nor amass stables and horses, nor gather large amounts of gold and silver. Clearly God held them to a higher standard, keeping worldly pleasures from leading them astray. The same laws were not directed at the common man. There were many provisions for polygamy. I’m not in favour, just making observations.
 

JaumeJ

Senior Member
Jul 2, 2011
16,568
3,380
113
#83
Abraham was long before the law was given...… Where there is no knowledge of a sin there is no guilt.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
5,067
486
83
#86
Hey everyone, it's been a while since I've been here.
I've been through some of my nightmares the last 3 months, my husband cheating and him filing for divorce and stringing me along until I was served and getting back into church and now fighting for custody. I didn't and still don't want to divorce, even though I caught him in pornography and dating sites. But I have no choice but to fight for custody and let him go, but I am wondering what does the Bible say about women like me after divorce? What should I do now?
I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I am assuming you mean your husband was sleeping around and also looking at porn and dating sites, though I am not completely clear on that. But I'll comment a bit on the idea of divorces just for the porn and dating site situation.

With the smut floodgates open with Internet porn, I hear more and more about wives divorcing their husbands over porn use. I know someone who got a divorce where that was an issue.

Jesus did say that he that looks at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. But is that grounds for divorce? It's not physical adultery. God looks on the heart. We are to love the Lord with all our hearts. But man and wife are one in body.

If looking with lust is grounds for divorce, it's not just porn, it's seeing a girl in a skimpy clothes, or even dressed like a pilgrim, and looking in order to lust after her. If a man has a wondering eye and allows himself to look with lust just once, it's the same sin as doing so while looking at porn. And I have occasionally heard of a woman saying some guy has a 'cute butt'-- whatever that is supposed to look like. I wonder if the women divorcing men over this can say they have never looked at a man with lust.

'Lust' here is the word for 'covet' in the Greek version of the 10 commandments by the way.

This is going to be an unpopular comment, but I cannot find scripture that says a woman is allowed to divorce a man. In the Old Testament, if a man found uncleanness in his wife and was displeased with her, and gave her a certificate of divorce, and she married another man and was divorced or widowed, he could not take her back as his wife, or else the land would be defiled. In that verse, the man is giving the certificate. There is the passage about the concubine whose husband takes another wife, and if he deprives her of food, clothes, or sex, she is to go free. But it doesn't say she can fill out the certificate.

Jesus comment on Moses' law was that Moses for the hardness of your heart allowed divorce, but from the beginning it was not so. He said that if a man divorced his wife, except it be for fornication, and married another, he committed adultery, and that he that married her that is divorced commits adultery.

I wonder if the proper point of the law of Moses on divorce in Deuteronomy 24 is not to allow divorce, but a restriction of remarried and divorced or widowed wife back so as not to defile the land by wife swapping, rather than actually God allowing divorce. Maybe Moses was allowing it because of the hardness of Israelites' hearts, and God restricted the wife-swapping effect of going back to the first husband.

Since the issue under discussion is men divorcing women and not vice versa, I do not see how it is legitimate to read into this that women can divorce their husbands for fornication. In the Bible, laws about men and women and sex aren't the mirror image of each other. It's not treated the same. The Old Testament regulated polygamy-- but polygyny, not polyamory. Women could not have more than one husband. That's just adultery. I think we can see a case against polygyny in Matthew 19. Wouldn't the same scenario without the divorce--a man marrying two women-- be a violation of the original principle of two being one flesh?

Other passages just outright forbid men divorcing women without the exception clause (except it be for fornication) which just shows up in Matthew. I have also read that the exception clause actually means something like, "without addressing the issue of fornication"-- not coming down on the issue one way or another on the case of fornication. Another conservative interpretation is that it only deals with cases where a man marries a woman who is not a virgin who was supposed to be.

One of the synoptic gospels forbids women divorcing men. I have read that in Israel and Judah in history there may have been just one case of a woman divorcing a man-- Philip's wife divorcing him with a divorce issued by the chief priests and marrying his brother Herod. After that, she would have been known as Herodias. John the Baptist did not consider the situation to be legitimate because he said to Herod, "It is not lawful for thee to have her."

I am concerned to hear about pastors telling wives they can divorce and remarry because the husband is a porn addict instead of advising some other course of action. I'm not convinced of that, though it is a sinful thing to be involved in. I think about the advice in scripture for how wives can win husbands who do not obey the word and Paul's advice on the subject. Grecco-Roman culture was sexualized, and men could be exposed to sexual images. Greek men may not have had much in the way of mores about it, but the apostles did not mention this as a reason to leave an unbeliever. In our culture, unbelievers often seem to think little of viewing porn these days, also.

Looking up women on dating sites... that must be really painful to find out about. That's behavior that could definitely be evidence of an intention to commit adultery. He could just be 'window shopping'-- which isn't a good thing either, or trying to line someone up for after the divorce, still not good especially if you had agreed to reconcile.

Even if he's done the deed, I'd rather hear a testimony of a husband who was forgiven for cheating on his wife, free of porn by the power of God, and learning to have a healthy marriage with his wife. Would you want us to pray with you for that kind of a situation?
 

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#87
I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I am assuming you mean your husband was sleeping around and also looking at porn and dating sites, though I am not completely clear on that. But I'll comment a bit on the idea of divorces just for the porn and dating site situation.

With the smut floodgates open with Internet porn, I hear more and more about wives divorcing their husbands over porn use. I know someone who got a divorce where that was an issue.

Jesus did say that he that looks at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. But is that grounds for divorce? It's not physical adultery. God looks on the heart. We are to love the Lord with all our hearts. But man and wife are one in body.

If looking with lust is grounds for divorce, it's not just porn, it's seeing a girl in a skimpy clothes, or even dressed like a pilgrim, and looking in order to lust after her. If a man has a wondering eye and allows himself to look with lust just once, it's the same sin as doing so while looking at porn. And I have occasionally heard of a woman saying some guy has a 'cute butt'-- whatever that is supposed to look like. I wonder if the women divorcing men over this can say they have never looked at a man with lust.

'Lust' here is the word for 'covet' in the Greek version of the 10 commandments by the way.

This is going to be an unpopular comment, but I cannot find scripture that says a woman is allowed to divorce a man. In the Old Testament, if a man found uncleanness in his wife and was displeased with her, and gave her a certificate of divorce, and she married another man and was divorced or widowed, he could not take her back as his wife, or else the land would be defiled. In that verse, the man is giving the certificate. There is the passage about the concubine whose husband takes another wife, and if he deprives her of food, clothes, or sex, she is to go free. But it doesn't say she can fill out the certificate.

Jesus comment on Moses' law was that Moses for the hardness of your heart allowed divorce, but from the beginning it was not so. He said that if a man divorced his wife, except it be for fornication, and married another, he committed adultery, and that he that married her that is divorced commits adultery.

I wonder if the proper point of the law of Moses on divorce in Deuteronomy 24 is not to allow divorce, but a restriction of remarried and divorced or widowed wife back so as not to defile the land by wife swapping, rather than actually God allowing divorce. Maybe Moses was allowing it because of the hardness of Israelites' hearts, and God restricted the wife-swapping effect of going back to the first husband.

Since the issue under discussion is men divorcing women and not vice versa, I do not see how it is legitimate to read into this that women can divorce their husbands for fornication. In the Bible, laws about men and women and sex aren't the mirror image of each other. It's not treated the same. The Old Testament regulated polygamy-- but polygyny, not polyamory. Women could not have more than one husband. That's just adultery. I think we can see a case against polygyny in Matthew 19. Wouldn't the same scenario without the divorce--a man marrying two women-- be a violation of the original principle of two being one flesh?

Other passages just outright forbid men divorcing women without the exception clause (except it be for fornication) which just shows up in Matthew. I have also read that the exception clause actually means something like, "without addressing the issue of fornication"-- not coming down on the issue one way or another on the case of fornication. Another conservative interpretation is that it only deals with cases where a man marries a woman who is not a virgin who was supposed to be.

One of the synoptic gospels forbids women divorcing men. I have read that in Israel and Judah in history there may have been just one case of a woman divorcing a man-- Philip's wife divorcing him with a divorce issued by the chief priests and marrying his brother Herod. After that, she would have been known as Herodias. John the Baptist did not consider the situation to be legitimate because he said to Herod, "It is not lawful for thee to have her."

I am concerned to hear about pastors telling wives they can divorce and remarry because the husband is a porn addict instead of advising some other course of action. I'm not convinced of that, though it is a sinful thing to be involved in. I think about the advice in scripture for how wives can win husbands who do not obey the word and Paul's advice on the subject. Grecco-Roman culture was sexualized, and men could be exposed to sexual images. Greek men may not have had much in the way of mores about it, but the apostles did not mention this as a reason to leave an unbeliever. In our culture, unbelievers often seem to think little of viewing porn these days, also.

Looking up women on dating sites... that must be really painful to find out about. That's behavior that could definitely be evidence of an intention to commit adultery. He could just be 'window shopping'-- which isn't a good thing either, or trying to line someone up for after the divorce, still not good especially if you had agreed to reconcile.

Even if he's done the deed, I'd rather hear a testimony of a husband who was forgiven for cheating on his wife, free of porn by the power of God, and learning to have a healthy marriage with his wife. Would you want us to pray with you for that kind of a situation?
I have no evidence of him physically being with another woman unless you possibly include camera/online "stuff". I had contemplated divorce for a month before I decided that it was not the right thing to do. I prayed and cried and screamed and groaned before God over it. I am still praying for reconciliation. I will gladly forgive him and work with him with pastoral assistance on our marriage. Prayers are always welcome and deeply appreciated. In the end I was not the one who filed, I was the one who was served. My heart is deeply broken but that doesn't matter much to him, to add to it he is trying to take our small children from me. It's like he is punishing me for discovering his ick. It seems impossible that he will choose to follow God and apologize and repent. He listens to his father and there is not a decent church where he is. I'll be glad of a miracle, for all of our sakes.
 

JohnR7

Active member
Dec 30, 2019
530
117
43
#88
I am concerned to hear about pastors telling wives they can divorce and remarry
I went to a Priest in the Episcopal Church hoping that he could help me be reconciled with my first wife. His advice was that we should separate and get a divorce and then the associate priest went on a date my wife. Six months later the head priest divorced his wife and six months after that he died from Aids. That was almost 40 years ago and I am still alive to tell people that God hates divorce. " 16“For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and I hate when a man covers himself and his garment with violence,” says the LORD of Hosts. Therefore guard yourselves in your spirit and do not break faith." (Malachi 2:16)

In the end when we have studied everything there is to study about this subject I think it comes down to what Paul says: "27Are you committed to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you free of commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28But if you do marry, you have not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." (1Cor7:28)

I was a single parent for 12 years and I was single between marriages for 17 years. It was just about impossible to find a Christian women who was willing to marry a divorced man. For good reason, because what Paul says is that this situation creates: "troubles". I ended up going to a third world nation where I found a women that was willing to "face troubles in this life" for the opportunity to come to american to make money to send back to her family to do all she could to help them out. So she is willing to face troubles in life in the hope that she can help her family to face their troubles in life.
 

JohnR7

Active member
Dec 30, 2019
530
117
43
#89
I prayed and cried and screamed and groaned before God over it.
Been there, seen it, done it even had the tee shirt at one time. God pretty much told me that she has free will and He is not going to make her choices for her. Actually my mistake was that she never wanted to get married in the first place and I should have respected that. Only she wanted a child and I did not want to have a child outside of marriage. Esp back then when that sort of thing was not as accepted as it is now. I struggles with this because my son was always grateful for the life he lived. But in the end it got to be to difficult for him. My wife was raised in a foster family so I do not really blame her that things went the way they did. I blame myself for allowing myself to get involved in a dysfunctional situation like that. I have a very good wife now so I can really tell the difference between them and the way they raised their sons. Even though they are both engineers.
 

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#90
I went to a Priest in the Episcopal Church hoping that he could help me be reconciled with my first wife. His advice was that we should separate and get a divorce and then the associate priest went on a date my wife. Six months later the head priest divorced his wife and six months after that he died from Aids. That was almost 40 years ago and I am still alive to tell people that God hates divorce. " 16“For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and I hate when a man covers himself and his garment with violence,” says the LORD of Hosts. Therefore guard yourselves in your spirit and do not break faith." (Malachi 2:16)

In the end when we have studied everything there is to study about this subject I think it comes down to what Paul says: "27Are you committed to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you free of commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28But if you do marry, you have not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." (1Cor7:28)

I was a single parent for 12 years and I was single between marriages for 17 years. It was just about impossible to find a Christian women who was willing to marry a divorced man. For good reason, because what Paul says is that this situation creates: "troubles". I ended up going to a third world nation where I found a women that was willing to "face troubles in this life" for the opportunity to come to american to make money to send back to her family to do all she could to help them out. So she is willing to face troubles in life in the hope that she can help her family to face their troubles in life.
Malachi 2:16 is exactly the scripture that made me decide not to seek a divorce. Sadly, my husband doesn't seem to either know or care (I am unsure of which). His father (a pastor. Although currently without a church) seems to be coaching him along. I wish that God would get through to him and help him make it right.
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
2,117
818
113
#91
To the OP:

Maybe a "Captain Obvious" question, but why do you want full custody? Is your soon-to-be-ex-husband a bad father? Does he want to be involved in the child(ren)'s life(ves)? If he is indeed not a suitable parent, then I support your effort to get FC. However, it's true in a lot of cases that a bad husband doesn't automatically translate to a bad father.

Just food for thought.
 

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
#92
To the OP:

Maybe a "Captain Obvious" question, but why do you want full custody? Is your soon-to-be-ex-husband a bad father? Does he want to be involved in the child(ren)'s life(ves)? If he is indeed not a suitable parent, then I support your effort to get FC. However, it's true in a lot of cases that a bad husband doesn't automatically translate to a bad father.

Just food for thought.
Out of curiosity, have you ever been connected to a divorce? Either the child from a broken home or divorced yourself?
 

Judges1318

Well-known member
Nov 16, 2019
1,757
477
83
#93
to add to it he is trying to take our small children from me. It's like he is punishing me for discovering his ick.
Or, he is considering the financial implications of not having full custody of the kids. One of my bosses years ago, who had married three times, said as soon as the divorce gets filed everyone goes into survival mode.
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
2,117
818
113
#94
Out of curiosity, have you ever been connected to a divorce? Either the child from a broken home or divorced yourself?
Yes, as a child. My parents separated when I was 9 and divorced when I was 11.
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
2,117
818
113
#95
Out of curiosity, have you ever been connected to a divorce? Either the child from a broken home or divorced yourself?
Oh and I just saw where Judges quoted you in which you mentioned your husband trying to take your kids from you. That gives me some insight into your situation.
 

stillness

Senior Member
Jan 28, 2013
1,257
209
63
64
Walk trough the valley
#96
Hey everyone, it's been a while since I've been here.
I've been through some of my nightmares the last 3 months, my husband cheating and him filing for divorce and stringing me along until I was served and getting back into church and now fighting for custody. I didn't and still don't want to divorce, even though I caught him in pornography and dating sites. But I have no choice but to fight for custody and let him go, but I am wondering what does the Bible say about women like me after divorce? What should I do now?
There is no cause for divorce except for Fornication: means having another god. An idol of woman in this case. I had that trouble and my x had a treasure in this life as another god, she told me, she would not take me back unless I was rich. I supose you should be thankful he is doing the work of filing the divorce for you. Along the same line why fight for custody. Dont you think God willl give you what comes to you. Or should it be said, what comes to you, God will give, though we have to pray. Why are you not making the most of your time alone with God. Are you so busy with work like me that ading God and children would be overwelming. Thankfully I retire and get married, with God's blesing this year. What about you,