6 Weeks before the wedding & now this...
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Confused wants to stay connected, the whole thread testifies to the drama, at each step. It is like bait being laid all the time to sucker a lamb in for the slaughter.
I do not understand it, how do you get reality into someone who is abused, battered for no reason other than being there and the partner is consummed with jealousy over nothing.
I would call the partners behaviour as mental instability and dangerous, as we all have said time and again. I would have run from day one, but that is me. What makes some flee and others go back for more of the same? Maybe the dream has to die properly to stop the nagging doubt, maybe the thought "it is me that is the problem" when 100% it is not.
There was a play on the radio about abuse of young girls and how they often bury guilt that maybe they are partly to blame. The story went on to a woman looking back at her life seeing another young woman who was so vulnerable, innocent, needy and confused. The predator had zero desire to love, just dominate and abuse, while the victim fell for the line it was real love. They saw how easily such victims fall for it, when it is a dream devoured by a wolf. Maybe until you see the balance of power, you realise this person is actually incapable of love in the normal sense, but goes from one victim to another.
This partner to confused shows all the same traits, but waking up to that might bring release, I hope so.
I do not understand it, how do you get reality into someone who is abused, battered for no reason other than being there and the partner is consummed with jealousy over nothing.
I would call the partners behaviour as mental instability and dangerous, as we all have said time and again. I would have run from day one, but that is me. What makes some flee and others go back for more of the same? Maybe the dream has to die properly to stop the nagging doubt, maybe the thought "it is me that is the problem" when 100% it is not.
There was a play on the radio about abuse of young girls and how they often bury guilt that maybe they are partly to blame. The story went on to a woman looking back at her life seeing another young woman who was so vulnerable, innocent, needy and confused. The predator had zero desire to love, just dominate and abuse, while the victim fell for the line it was real love. They saw how easily such victims fall for it, when it is a dream devoured by a wolf. Maybe until you see the balance of power, you realise this person is actually incapable of love in the normal sense, but goes from one victim to another.
This partner to confused shows all the same traits, but waking up to that might bring release, I hope so.
S
My best friend married a man like this after dating him for about three years. When their relationship began, she was a happy, carefree, lovely girl who could put a smile on anybody's face in a matter of moments. By the time they got engaged, she was stressed out, complained ALL the time, broke down in tears of the tiniest things, and was completely paranoid about anything that might upset him. He controlled her just as this guy seems to be controlling you. Her parents also didn't approve of union and her dad nearly knocked him out after one very intense encounter. But nevertheless, they got married.
One year into it, he'd bought them a house and they'd lived in for about four months before he decided he didn't want to work anymore. He blamed it on a minor injury he'd sustained some years back (which, every time he went to the doctor the doctor couldn't find anything wrong with him. And he couldn't work, but he could go hike with his buddies or do things like that, so she was pretty sure he was faking it) so he just stopped showing up. He was home all day. She was also footing all the bills, and then he purchased a brand new car without her knowledge, so they were swimming in debt. Even though she was making all the money, he had complete control of it.
The worst thing he ever did, though? He withheld any intimacy from her. He'd push her away if her breath wasn't perfect, he'd tell her she was gaining weight and he didn't find her attractive anymore. He'd never hug her or hold hands in public, even though she'd ask him to. Then, when he wanted to have sex with her, she was so starved for affection from him that she'd almost always give in. Even if he refused to use protection. At one point, she finally put her foot down to this treatment and he forced her.
She got pregnant and when she finally told me about all of this sexual abuse that was going on, I did everything in my power to get her some help. I told everybody close to her who'd listen to me that she wasn't safe with this guy. I let her parents know, I tried to get her to speak up for herself, but she was so confused about all of it, she would defend his actions.
He wouldn't let her go to the doctor to get proper care for the baby. He said she wasn't pregnant even though this had been her third month of a missed period and there were other obvious symptoms. So one day while he was out, I took her straight to a clinic. Sure enough, she was pregnant. She called to let him know and his response? He was furious with her for calling him at work. I held her hand during this time and tried to make sure she could speak with the people at the women's clinic about her fears and feelings about all this. They gave her good advice.
We had arranged for a proper appointment for her with a doctor the next week. She told her mom about the situation and her mom urged her to come back home and live there instead. She refused and went back to her husband... three days later I got a phone call from my friend. She was at the hospital. She had lost the baby. I came to see her right away, but her husband was right there standing over her shoulder. She wouldn't look me in the eye and he wouldn't take his hand off of her. Even in the exams, he demanded to go with her and watch everything that happened...
This was last May. I can't make accusations about exactly what happened and she still hasn't told me. She also doesn't tell me why there are thumb-sized bruises are on her arms sometimes. She doesn't tell me why she stays, either. She doesn't tell me what goes on in her house. She doesn't tell me a lot of things anymore. I get the sense that she doesn't tell them to anybody. She just lives this life and says nothing.
I know you may think your guy is different. And sure, he might be. But the way he's treating you now is only going to get worse when you get married. That's not an assumption, call it a fact. Get out. Do what I hope my best friend will do someday and just leave. If not for the sake of yourself, then for the child you have who doesn't need to grow up watching this play out (or worse).
One year into it, he'd bought them a house and they'd lived in for about four months before he decided he didn't want to work anymore. He blamed it on a minor injury he'd sustained some years back (which, every time he went to the doctor the doctor couldn't find anything wrong with him. And he couldn't work, but he could go hike with his buddies or do things like that, so she was pretty sure he was faking it) so he just stopped showing up. He was home all day. She was also footing all the bills, and then he purchased a brand new car without her knowledge, so they were swimming in debt. Even though she was making all the money, he had complete control of it.
The worst thing he ever did, though? He withheld any intimacy from her. He'd push her away if her breath wasn't perfect, he'd tell her she was gaining weight and he didn't find her attractive anymore. He'd never hug her or hold hands in public, even though she'd ask him to. Then, when he wanted to have sex with her, she was so starved for affection from him that she'd almost always give in. Even if he refused to use protection. At one point, she finally put her foot down to this treatment and he forced her.
She got pregnant and when she finally told me about all of this sexual abuse that was going on, I did everything in my power to get her some help. I told everybody close to her who'd listen to me that she wasn't safe with this guy. I let her parents know, I tried to get her to speak up for herself, but she was so confused about all of it, she would defend his actions.
He wouldn't let her go to the doctor to get proper care for the baby. He said she wasn't pregnant even though this had been her third month of a missed period and there were other obvious symptoms. So one day while he was out, I took her straight to a clinic. Sure enough, she was pregnant. She called to let him know and his response? He was furious with her for calling him at work. I held her hand during this time and tried to make sure she could speak with the people at the women's clinic about her fears and feelings about all this. They gave her good advice.
We had arranged for a proper appointment for her with a doctor the next week. She told her mom about the situation and her mom urged her to come back home and live there instead. She refused and went back to her husband... three days later I got a phone call from my friend. She was at the hospital. She had lost the baby. I came to see her right away, but her husband was right there standing over her shoulder. She wouldn't look me in the eye and he wouldn't take his hand off of her. Even in the exams, he demanded to go with her and watch everything that happened...
This was last May. I can't make accusations about exactly what happened and she still hasn't told me. She also doesn't tell me why there are thumb-sized bruises are on her arms sometimes. She doesn't tell me why she stays, either. She doesn't tell me what goes on in her house. She doesn't tell me a lot of things anymore. I get the sense that she doesn't tell them to anybody. She just lives this life and says nothing.
I know you may think your guy is different. And sure, he might be. But the way he's treating you now is only going to get worse when you get married. That's not an assumption, call it a fact. Get out. Do what I hope my best friend will do someday and just leave. If not for the sake of yourself, then for the child you have who doesn't need to grow up watching this play out (or worse).
S
Sorry, I hadn't read through the entire thread when I posted the above comment! Now I'm all caught up, but I can't seem to delete my post...
but after reading how it's all turned out so far, I am very proud of you for getting yourself to safety. The Lord is with you. I am praying for you and look forward to further positive updates.
but after reading how it's all turned out so far, I am very proud of you for getting yourself to safety. The Lord is with you. I am praying for you and look forward to further positive updates.
I wish I could post here with an update that would make everyone proud of me, but I can't.
I am still in this relationship because I got very weak....my best friend committed suicide a couple nights after I left. She and I had grown apart due to the fact that he didnt like me spending time with her...without him. But she really liked him and often encouraged me to work things out with him... she was his biggest fan...
Well when I found out she died...I was destroyed. (I just discovered it was suicide last night) He was too... So, he went to the wake and funeral with me...and today I'm sitting here terrified about what to do.
I don't know if I have the strength to leave again...it's Christmas... and I have virtually no one...without him. My friend is gone and honestly...while I have never considered suicide....I worry that I will end up like her. She was lonely....she wasn't married or dating...
She was a good person. Always kind...and giving...went to church and tried to be a good example ....and she obviously had terrible demons.
So...please give me some support here today. I am struggling.
I am still in this relationship because I got very weak....my best friend committed suicide a couple nights after I left. She and I had grown apart due to the fact that he didnt like me spending time with her...without him. But she really liked him and often encouraged me to work things out with him... she was his biggest fan...
Well when I found out she died...I was destroyed. (I just discovered it was suicide last night) He was too... So, he went to the wake and funeral with me...and today I'm sitting here terrified about what to do.
I don't know if I have the strength to leave again...it's Christmas... and I have virtually no one...without him. My friend is gone and honestly...while I have never considered suicide....I worry that I will end up like her. She was lonely....she wasn't married or dating...
She was a good person. Always kind...and giving...went to church and tried to be a good example ....and she obviously had terrible demons.
So...please give me some support here today. I am struggling.
Wow, that's hard. I'm so sorry for your loss. But DO NOT go back to this guy. You're more vulnerable than ever now, and he knows it and WILL play your buttons on it. If you go back to him, you WILL end up like your friend, maybe not from suicide, but most definitely from homicide. I know it's hard, but do not depend on him for support. You WILL regret it..
J
Feeling alone...why??? You are a christian, get on your knees and pray for GODS love to encompass you and help you through the death of your best friend and to move on from this relationship.
NO ONE CAN DO THIS FOR YOU!!!! You must do this yourself. You must get the strength and courage to better your life.
Now, before you say I do not understand, please let me share a slight tidbit of my life thus far this year. My Brother died, My uncle died, My father is dying, My grandmother died and my best friend was killed! YES the devil wants to attack me daily, however I do not give him the opportunity to do so. I choose to feel GODS love and know he has a plan! Though it is totally hard and can feel lonely, I do not allow myself the thoughts the devil wishes to induce on me.
NO ONE CAN DO THIS FOR YOU!!!! You must do this yourself. You must get the strength and courage to better your life.
Now, before you say I do not understand, please let me share a slight tidbit of my life thus far this year. My Brother died, My uncle died, My father is dying, My grandmother died and my best friend was killed! YES the devil wants to attack me daily, however I do not give him the opportunity to do so. I choose to feel GODS love and know he has a plan! Though it is totally hard and can feel lonely, I do not allow myself the thoughts the devil wishes to induce on me.
I am praying for you and I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet friend. You do have someone. You have your son. You have Jesus, and you will find that you have many, many friends and people in this world who will support you and love you like you have never been loved before. Love yourself first, you deserve it. Also, remember that you can be strong because you have the power of your Heavenly Father with you. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers -- that makes you pretty strong, huh? Don't convince yourself to marry someone who you don't trust or know will genuinely love you and take care of you with all of their heart and soul. There is someone out there for you who won't hurt you, won't bring you down, and won't discourage you. There is someone who is going to love you and your son just the way Jesus loves us! I know that it is not easy to be alone, because I spent two years alone with 2 children after my divorce. But being alone also taught me how to grow and love my children and myself enough to find someone who truly cared for us and wanted to help take care of us for the rest of our lives. God has a plan, we just have to let that plan fall into place without settling for less. God bless you, my friend. Believe in yourself!
I am so sorry to hear you went back. Do you have a safe place to go? Where he cannot get at you? He has already damaged your hand, and who knows what he has done to your mind. You really, really need to come to grips with the fact that your strong, handsome doctor is not a prince on a white horse, with whom you can live in luxury and happiness the rest of your life. Let go of that image! Please.
Anyway here is a long article. It sounds very much like he is a narcissist, and he has really done a number on your sanity. You keep go back when you know he is dangerous and will not change. That is the definition of not being mentally sane. No one rationally puts themself in harm's way, for no reason. Here is a brief bit from an article on what he has done to you. It is a hard read, but a good one.
"Victims living in a household where there is narcissistic abuse are living in a torturous war zone, where all forms of power and control are used against them (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion etc.). The threat of abuse is always present, and it usually gets more violent and frequent as time goes on. The controlling narcissistic environment puts the victim in a dependency situation, where they experience an extreme form of helplessness which throws them into panic and chaos. The narcissist creates a perverse form of relationship wherein the victim has no idea of what will happen next (alternating between acts of kindness or aggressive raging). This prolonged torturous situation is likely to trigger old negative scripts of the victim’s childhood internal object relations (attachment, separation and individuation). To survive the internal conflict, the victim will have to call on all their internal resources and defense strategies in order to manage their most primitive anxieties of persecution and annihilation. In order to survive, the victim has to find ways of reducing their cognitive dissonance, the strategies they employ may include; justifying things by lying to themselves if need be, regressing into infantile patterns, and bonding with their narcissistic captor. Most defense mechanisms are fairly unconscious, so the victim is unaware of using them in the moment; all they are intent on is surviving the madness they find themselves in.
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/
Finally, I do hope you have put off the wedding. I just looked at your first post, and it was 4 weeks ago. Please tell us you cancelled it and told everyone not to come, canceled the church, caterers etc. Please??
Anyway here is a long article. It sounds very much like he is a narcissist, and he has really done a number on your sanity. You keep go back when you know he is dangerous and will not change. That is the definition of not being mentally sane. No one rationally puts themself in harm's way, for no reason. Here is a brief bit from an article on what he has done to you. It is a hard read, but a good one.
"Victims living in a household where there is narcissistic abuse are living in a torturous war zone, where all forms of power and control are used against them (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion etc.). The threat of abuse is always present, and it usually gets more violent and frequent as time goes on. The controlling narcissistic environment puts the victim in a dependency situation, where they experience an extreme form of helplessness which throws them into panic and chaos. The narcissist creates a perverse form of relationship wherein the victim has no idea of what will happen next (alternating between acts of kindness or aggressive raging). This prolonged torturous situation is likely to trigger old negative scripts of the victim’s childhood internal object relations (attachment, separation and individuation). To survive the internal conflict, the victim will have to call on all their internal resources and defense strategies in order to manage their most primitive anxieties of persecution and annihilation. In order to survive, the victim has to find ways of reducing their cognitive dissonance, the strategies they employ may include; justifying things by lying to themselves if need be, regressing into infantile patterns, and bonding with their narcissistic captor. Most defense mechanisms are fairly unconscious, so the victim is unaware of using them in the moment; all they are intent on is surviving the madness they find themselves in.
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/
Finally, I do hope you have put off the wedding. I just looked at your first post, and it was 4 weeks ago. Please tell us you cancelled it and told everyone not to come, canceled the church, caterers etc. Please??
Unfortunately this feeling is making you a victim. You sound like a kind gifted person who trusts others, maybe too much, who lets the boundaries be broken too quickly. No one should be allowed to put you in the situation you are, and no relationship that is truly full of love should fill you full of the feelings you have.
You have parents who love you, a son who loves you, and people in your past who think good things about you.
You have probably cut off these feelings and support to do what you want. You need to learn how to let people into your life and earn your trust, staying faithful to the friendship that grows between you.
It is amazing how people grow when they start valuing who they are and valuing those around them. I suggest you start working on these issues, building a social network. Going to a house group within the local church can help, socialising and sharing experiences with people you meet in the locality like neighbours. One of your neighbours you shared with before about the situation you are in.
In one sense we are alone, but in another many others look to us for support. Your friend again was one individual you got support from, though maybe not quite in the way you would have hoped.
You need to ask yourself why you want to be a victim? You have skills, a good business, and able to empathise, so you do not have to chose this emotional position. Maybe it is from your family situation, but something is pushing you there.
Counselling might help you find some of the answers, but there is no reason you need to stay in this conflicted place.
The sad reality is you will be carrying hurts and doubts from past relationships, successes and failures, which often lead to repeated experiences until the person learns to see what and how things are going on. Jesus came as a light, to shine on who we are, and see a way forward. If you take this seriously, there is a way out, but it needs commitment and love.
It should never be I am too weak to gain strength, it should be I know I can be stronger because I have been in the past, I need to search out what I know is already there. There are plenty of people who could help you, a whole church full of them, but you need to ask so then they can help. Have you approached anyone in the church you go to?
You have parents who love you, a son who loves you, and people in your past who think good things about you.
You have probably cut off these feelings and support to do what you want. You need to learn how to let people into your life and earn your trust, staying faithful to the friendship that grows between you.
It is amazing how people grow when they start valuing who they are and valuing those around them. I suggest you start working on these issues, building a social network. Going to a house group within the local church can help, socialising and sharing experiences with people you meet in the locality like neighbours. One of your neighbours you shared with before about the situation you are in.
In one sense we are alone, but in another many others look to us for support. Your friend again was one individual you got support from, though maybe not quite in the way you would have hoped.
You need to ask yourself why you want to be a victim? You have skills, a good business, and able to empathise, so you do not have to chose this emotional position. Maybe it is from your family situation, but something is pushing you there.
Counselling might help you find some of the answers, but there is no reason you need to stay in this conflicted place.
The sad reality is you will be carrying hurts and doubts from past relationships, successes and failures, which often lead to repeated experiences until the person learns to see what and how things are going on. Jesus came as a light, to shine on who we are, and see a way forward. If you take this seriously, there is a way out, but it needs commitment and love.
It should never be I am too weak to gain strength, it should be I know I can be stronger because I have been in the past, I need to search out what I know is already there. There are plenty of people who could help you, a whole church full of them, but you need to ask so then they can help. Have you approached anyone in the church you go to?
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Thanks for the support and very astute observations. Reading about the narcassistic abuse is very eye opening. I totally see it. I can see I am acting in this fashion...as well.
I guess it is why I am feeling so terribly anxious and uncomfortable. I have my son this weekend and I realize that I have to invest my time in him and not be such a nutcase. I feel unstable and erratic. It scares me because I worry it will affect my employment. I do not want to destroy the income I have...
I am making myself out to be the victim and you are correct...I should not. I am so much better off than many people right now... And I need to realize that.
How do I stay gone? Honestly the hard part has been when he doesn't try to email me etc and I know he's moving on. That's when I panic. I realize the chances to be together are over... And that makes me feel crazy.
I guess it is why I am feeling so terribly anxious and uncomfortable. I have my son this weekend and I realize that I have to invest my time in him and not be such a nutcase. I feel unstable and erratic. It scares me because I worry it will affect my employment. I do not want to destroy the income I have...
I am making myself out to be the victim and you are correct...I should not. I am so much better off than many people right now... And I need to realize that.
How do I stay gone? Honestly the hard part has been when he doesn't try to email me etc and I know he's moving on. That's when I panic. I realize the chances to be together are over... And that makes me feel crazy.
Count yourself lucky that you're NOT with him anymore. He very well could have killed you, instead of just breaking your hand. You're correct, you DO need to invest in your son and forget this jerk. If there's any justice in this world, he WILL be arrested and he WILL go to prison. He brought it all upon himself. You're not to blame for any of it. Every time you look at your mangled hand now, let it strengthen your resolve to stay away from this bad news bear..
