Can't accept my girlfriend's past

[Desdichado]

Look, I'm not going to foreclose the possibility of two asexual people getting together. It takes many types to make a world, but...

This isn't a Christian proposition as much as it is a fancifully ascetic one. The Bible can get graphic in celebrating sex within the confines of marriage. It's all a part of the plan for us humans.

That and, supposing I wasn't interested in sex (hahahahahahahahahahaha), I wouldn't bet on my prospective wife not being interested as well for the duration of the marriage. It's just so unusual.

Being not interested in sex doesn't mean you're not capable of loving someone. Nor does it mean you should not marry. We're not animals who's only reason to be here on Earth is reproduction.
And, most importantly, if she's okay with not having sex, and leading that kind of life, what is really the problem in such marriage? Getting married only to fulfill your lustful desires isn't very "Christ-like" either.
I'm not attacking you, don't worry, I'm just making my point clear.

 

[Desdichado]

I stand by what I said earlier. You seem really confused and maybe talking yourself into feelings and thoughts that are desperate rationalizations.

Assuming what you say is true (I don't know your girlfriend's side of the story), just cut bait. You'll be more lonely for a season, but way more at peace all the same.

 

[Paulie]

Please, read this:

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.
But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

...

Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.
Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.

...

Brothers and sisters, each person, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.

Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

...

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided.

If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing.

So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.

1 Cor 7


=====

If you are ok and do not burn with a passion, its really better to stay single as you are. Its more wise and more Christ-like.

I'm quite familiar with that exact quote. I know the writings of Apostle Paul.

 

[blue_ladybug]

The fact that he's on an online forum, talking to US instead of HER about this, speaks volumes. He self-admittedly says he can't accept nor forgive or forget her sexual past. Yet he's desperately trying to grasp any reason to stay with her despite all that.. This is a train wreck in progress and will NOT end well for him.

 

[Desdichado]

I must be such a hedonist. Marriage without sex sounds like one of Dante's circles.

 

[Desdichado]

That's usually my standard of measurement. If you have to consult people on an anonymous forum about your relationship, there is an even greater problem at work.

Social alienation, lack of mentorship, etc.

The fact that he's on an online forum, talking to US instead of HER about this, speaks volumes. He self-admittedly says he can't accept nor forgive or forget her sexual past. Yet he's desperately trying to grasp any reason to stay with her despite all that.. This is a train wreck in progress and will NOT end well for him.

 

[Paulie]

You can't leave her?
Does she have you chained in a dungeon?
Is she financially supporting you?
Have you gotten her pregnant?
I stand by my original post.
You're too immature for any of this.
What kind of man goes on the internet and talks about stuff like this?
I hope for the sake of all involved that you haven't impregnated her.

Man, I didn't want to go there, but what kind of man watches fake wrestling, when he's 50. Act your age...
Calling me immature because I post anonymous threads on the internet... Yes, I should be ashamed. Real men don't have problems. Real men don't have feelings too, right? Real men are not open minded about anything, they're right all the time and don't need advice. Advice is for the weak. I'm surprised you didn't quote Nietzsche or Darwin... It would really suit you.

 

[Depleted]

Well, that's basically it. She has a sexual past she doesn't regret, which I can't accept. I thought I'd be alright with it, but when you love someone, it becomes a true nightmare, that just ruins the relationship. I've discussed it with her, she knows how much it hurts me, but she just keeps saying it's something that is in the past. Yet she never apologizes, and she doesn't feel guilty, cause at the time, she was in love with that guy. I know she really has bigger problems with God than me, but I love her and I can't just let go of her.
I've read a dozens of articles on accepting your girlfriend's past, consulted with friends and random strangers on chats, some of which were Christian.

I want to know what you guys think about that. What should I do? Should I leave her? Should I pray she finds peace and realizes what a mistake she made? I know we all have sins, and I highly regret mine, why can't she?

Why do you want even more counsel, if you haven't been swayed by the counseling you've received yet? And why do you look for counsel anywhere but from God? You've listed quite a few places you've gone for counsel. God hasn't been one of them. I suspect you are the problem, not her. Does highly regretting what you've done make it all better?

 

[trofimus]

I'm quite familiar with that exact quote. I know the writings of Apostle Paul.

Then I wonder why your opinions seem to contradict it.

Also, specifically to your unbelieving girlfriend, the fact that you love her etc is irrelevant, what is relevant is that she is unbeliever:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial ? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

2 Cor 6

 

[Paulie]

First, you tell me it is My fault and I shouldn't hold her responsible for this. Alright, I can see that, and I accept it. It is my problem, and I am the one to deal with it. So far so good.
But then you tell me I shouldn't be here discussing it, instead - I should be discussing it with her? Why? It is my perception and my fault, I don't need to club her over the head again and again for this, we've discussed what was there to be discussed, it was not a brief conversation, nor was it one. It was weeks of talk that ended up with conclusion. The fact is I'm the one with the problem and I'm trying to solve it.
You think I haven't tried talking to a friend? A professional even? A fellow Christian? I did all that. I educated myself on the topic, and as I said, it was not that much helpful. So, excuse me for being "immature" and whatever names you called me, for not giving up and trying to find a solution EVEN if it is on a forum like that. I feel no shame. Sometimes people who are not involved see things more clearly than the ones that are. Only sometimes though...

 

[trofimus]

I must be such a hedonist. Marriage without sex sounds like one of Dante's circles.

So, your marriage contains:
a) hell
b) sex

 

[Desdichado]

Yeah. My life is a decades-long ACDC album.

So, your marriage contains:
a) hell
b) sex

 

[J7]

Robert Palmer

"Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)"

A hot summer night fell like a net
I've gotta find my baby yet
I need you to soothe my head
Turn my blue heart to red

Doctor Doctor, gimme the news I got a
Bad case of lovin' you
No pill's gonna cure my ill I've got a
Bad case of lovin' you

A pretty face don't make no pretty heart
I learned that buddy from the start
You think I'm cute, a little bit shy
Mama, I ain't that kind of guy

Doctor Doctor, gimme the news I got a
Bad case of lovin' you
No pill's gonna cure my ill I got a
Bad case of lovin' you

I know you like it, you like it on top
Tell me mama, are you gonna stop?

You had me down twenty-one to zip
Smile of Judas on your lip
Shake my fist, knock on wood
I've got it bad, and I got it good

Doctor Doctor, gimme the news I've got a
Bad case of lovin' you
No pill's gonna cure my ill I got a
Bad case of lovin' you

 

[Paulie]

Well, some people see Christianity as an eudemonic religion. Guess it's up to interpretation.

 

[trofimus]

Well, some people see Christianity as an eudemonic religion. Guess it's up to interpretation.

Its mainly a religion with the book. We should act as the book says.

 

[blue_ladybug]

What we see clearly is:

1. You cannot accept her sexual past.

2. You cannot forgive her for having premarital sex.

3. You expect her to apologize for what she's done.

4. You're defying God by staying with an unbeliever who YOU cannot change, and who obviously doesn't want to change herself.

5. You're resentful of her past, and will only grow more conflicted with each passing day.

6. If you were to be honest with her, you'd tell her that being yoked to an unrepentant unbeliever just isn't what you want or need. And if you're honest with yourself, you'll own up to that fact and let her go and find someone who does NOT have a sexual past.

7. She is NOT sorry, regretful or unrepentant of her sexual sin. Of your own choosing, her sin is burned into your memory until you can let go of it and move on.

8. Neither of you really needs sex. Good. Then you should have no problem with moving past what she's done in her past before you came along.

9. She doesn't know God, nor does she want to.

10. YOU do know God, and wish that she were repentant enough to ask forgiveness from both Him and yourself. However, you can't force her to do that, and that's a cold hard fact.

11. Being with an unbeliever rarely ever works out. Especially when the believer can't let go, move on and accept that what's been done, is in the past and should stay in the past..

 

[Paulie]

Its mainly a religion with the book. We should act as the book says.

Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing it because I feel like it's the right thing to do. Not for me, not for anyone else, just because it feels Right, in general. I don't care about happiness, I'd be pretty content never to be happy again and disappear into nonexistence after I die. I don't do it for the pleasures it will give me. It's enough for me to be meaningful and spread Truth among the others.

 

[kaylagrl]

Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing it because I feel like it's the right thing to do. Not for me, not for anyone else, just because it feels Right, in general. I don't care about happiness, I'd be pretty content never to be happy again and disappear into nonexistence after I die. I don't do it for the pleasures it will give me. It's enough for me to be meaningful and spread Truth among the others.

A brief look over this post tells me your girlfriend is not a Christian. Therefore the only advice needed is for you to end the relationship and find the person God has for you. This woman is not the one. Continue on this path and you are headed for heartache because you are against Gods will for your life. If she is willing to become a Christian,thats a different story. Otherwise,end the relationship and find the person the Lord has for you.

 

[trofimus]

Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing it because I feel like it's the right thing to do. Not for me, not for anyone else, just because it feels Right, in general. I don't care about happiness, I'd be pretty content never to be happy again and disappear into nonexistence after I die. I don't do it for the pleasures it will give me. It's enough for me to be meaningful and spread Truth among the others.

Feelings are not a Christian authority.

Acting by feelings is what the world and animals do. And it is propagated by Hollywood movies made by satan to destroy godly order.

You will not find any advice from the Bible like "act on your feelings".

 

[Huckleberry]

Man, I didn't want to go there, but what kind of man watches fake wrestling, when he's 50. Act your age...

Okay, let's make it about me.
My avatar reflects my mindset of the Christian life being a wrestling match.
When I did watch wrestling, you know, like 20-30 years ago,
Kurt Angle, the Olympic gold medalist, was my favorite wrestler.

Calling me immature because I post anonymous threads on the internet...

Now, back to you.
No, I'm calling you immature because you say stuff like, "I can't
leave her", "I can't accept her past", and "I can't let go of her".
"I-can't-I-can't-I-can't!" is what a little kid having a tantrum says.
That you're posting this stuff online is just weird.