Homosexual Brother In Law

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tstumf

Active member
May 28, 2021
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Are your wife's relatives Roman Catholic? Just curioius about their religious background. 'Godparent' really isn't a thing in churches I go to. I think it's part of the RCC infant baptism ceremony and a big deal.

Anyway, I definitely think you should stand your ground. If it isn't a religious ceremony thing and your wife and you cannot come to an agreement, if she doesn't believe in submission and won't go along with you for that, you could just have a will drawn up letting your brother raise the children. If you both die and your brother has the will and that is all there is, the children may be able to go to your brother without the state making the decision. If you do not mention this to your wife, then she may not create a conflicting will. If you pass away first, what you put in your will won't really matter since they stay with your wife. That does not solve the relational issues in the family. Generally, I would hope a married couple would agree to this and be on the same page.

It might help if you had a conversation with your mother-in-law so maybe she would lay off of your wife. You could point to some issues besides the sexual perversion, like needing a mother figure in the home.
I don’t know if it would be helpful for those reading this or not . But I will share my assessment of her families dynamics after being around them 7 years. Not judging them but these have been observations I’ve made over the years.

My wife’s father is a quiet and passive perfectionist. I’ve never seen him in a leadership role in his family. He mostly is just along for the ride bending to his wife’s decisions at times very begrudgingly.

Her mother is generally loud and obnoxiously boisterous at times. She is usually the one to take control of a situation when it arises while he takes a back seat.

Her mother does most of the talking at social events and will even tell stories that rightfully one would think should be shared by her husband.

She is a retired career teacher and he bounced between oil field work and farming most of his life and is about to quit working due to health issues.

In all the years I’ve known them. Ive never seen them stop to pray about anything. At all the family gatherings prayer never happens. Most of all the holidays are observed and celebrated as pagan. God and Jesus never come up in conversation at Christmas or Easter. It’s always been Santa Claus and the Easter bunny with no real biblical basis or even mention on those days. They never attend church unless it’s a wedding/funeral or something like a family member being honored in a church.
 

TheIndianGirl

Well-known member
Nov 22, 2019
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Instead of coming up with an excuse/explanation to avoid your BIL's wedding, just let him know how you feel about the marriage/situation. Honesty is the best way to go. Knowing how you feel, he definitely would not want you at the wedding understandably. I think stopping your wife (his sister) from going is a bit on the extreme end. (I think this is because you already knew how you felt about this issue before marrying her; if she had known your feelings to begin with she probably would not have married you.) If you are silent on this issue, you will put your wife in a difficult situation of trying to come up with an excuse. Also, talk to your BIL privately as your wife may be too emotional to be part of the conversation.
 

TheIndianGirl

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Nov 22, 2019
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Instead of coming up with an excuse/explanation to avoid your BIL's wedding, just let him know how you feel about the marriage/situation. Honesty is the best way to go. Knowing how you feel, he definitely would not want you at the wedding understandably. I think stopping your wife (his sister) from going is a bit on the extreme end. (I think this is because you already knew how you felt about this issue before marrying her; if she had known your feelings to begin with she probably would not have married you.) If you are silent on this issue, you will put your wife in a difficult situation of trying to come up with an excuse. Also, talk to your BIL privately as your wife may be too emotional to be part of the conversation.
Typo above:

I meant: I think this is because you already knew how she (your wife) felt about this issue (homosexuality) before marrying her. Did you have knowledge/was your BIL gay before you married your wife? If she had known you would have denied her brother in the very beginning, she may have had to choose between you and him (sorry, what I wrote earlier came out wrongly).
 

tstumf

Active member
May 28, 2021
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Typo above:

I meant: I think this is because you already knew how she (your wife) felt about this issue (homosexuality) before marrying her. Did you have knowledge/was your BIL gay before you married your wife? If she had known you would have denied her brother in the very beginning, she may have had to choose between you and him (sorry, what I wrote earlier came out wrongly).
I understand and Thank you. Ya know, I really thought the whole family was on the same page with it so it never became an issue till the last couple years. Everyone brushed it off as “just a phase” I never pushed the issue and any discussion brought up about it was simply met with the “just a phase” statement. yes I do shoulder the weight of that possibility as well as other things related to this marriage that are piling up as you have read in my other post. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts on it.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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when you being honest that is fine
its when you lie and say you will go and then dont go, that is a bad witness. To everyone.

I had this situation at school where I had to select a team to enter a contest, about five of them and one girl was also very keen so I gave her a permission slip and said get your parents to sign it so you can go. Everyone else bought back their permission slips RSVP so they got a place on the team. Except for her and so I was kind of worried and the principal says if you need to know if she can go or not why not contact the parents directly.

well the day before the contest the girl came to he and said her parents wont let her go as they had something else on. I believed her and said ok then she will miss out. But actually the parents had said she could have gone and they didnt even know because their daughter hadnt told them about it. So it looks to me like she lied because she just plain forgot about asking her parents. Even after promising profusely she would make the team.

?! The principal was not impressed when this girl had to make an excuse and backtrack. I would much rather she had said to me sorry it I havent spoken to my parents about it yet.

if she couldnt go that would have been fine, if she had told me but no parents permission means no place on team. This is because we have to sort transport etc. It also affects places and the host needs to know numbers. However I was very gracious and understood why she had to tell me an excuse and at least she came to me and talked with me first but it kinda meant the team was less than it could have been. however we cant always know things in advance.

in terms of whether you do or dont go, well you know you wont, so dont. And you dont want you son to go, so he wont. But just let your yes be yes and you no be no cos Its a very annoying thing to say to someone you will do something and then actually NOT do it. i.e dont over promise and under deliver.
 

tstumf

Active member
May 28, 2021
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when you being honest that is fine
its when you lie and say you will go and then dont go, that is a bad witness. To everyone.

I had this situation at school where I had to select a team to enter a contest, about five of them and one girl was also very keen so I gave her a permission slip and said get your parents to sign it so you can go. Everyone else bought back their permission slips RSVP so they got a place on the team. Except for her and so I was kind of worried and the principal says if you need to know if she can go or not why not contact the parents directly.

well the day before the contest the girl came to he and said her parents wont let her go as they had something else on. I believed her and said ok then she will miss out. But actually the parents had said she could have gone and they didnt even know because their daughter hadnt told them about it. So it looks to me like she lied because she just plain forgot about asking her parents. Even after promising profusely she would make the team.

?! The principal was not impressed when this girl had to make an excuse and backtrack. I would much rather she had said to me sorry it I havent spoken to my parents about it yet.

if she couldnt go that would have been fine, if she had told me but no parents permission means no place on team. This is because we have to sort transport etc. It also affects places and the host needs to know numbers. However I was very gracious and understood why she had to tell me an excuse and at least she came to me and talked with me first but it kinda meant the team was less than it could have been. however we cant always know things in advance.

in terms of whether you do or dont go, well you know you wont, so dont. And you dont want you son to go, so he wont. But just let your yes be yes and you no be no cos Its a very annoying thing to say to someone you will do something and then actually NOT do it. i.e dont over promise and under deliver.
I understand and Thankyou for that. I’m certain of where I stand and what the Holy Spirit is directing me to do now after months of careful examination. I will hold firm on my no. The only wandering I have is when to best approach this. Would it be best to be assertive and address this situation head on sooner the better even when planning hasn’t really taken place yet. It would be catching everyone by surprise likely. The only planning that has taken place as far as I can tell is a building reserved and a date/time for the reception. or is it wiser to wait till it’s being discussed and brought up in conversations around me so everyone is focused on it and they will be possibly expecting opposition and opinions and and make my stance known at that time. As scriptures say there is a time for everything I just need to determine when that time should be.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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well if there is a date set, then just be sure you are going to be doing something else that day.
I dont know how far away it is in terms of distance but usually a wedding or event out of town etc is something you have to plan for not something you can just rock up to.

I recall a friend from out of town asked me to her wedding but I couldnt go as had a trip already planned. Not saying you need to deliberately plan something but its not like she was gonna hate me for being UNABLE to come. I am not thinking of the gay couple in your case but your wife in this instance. it just sends the message you cant be persuaded to change your plans cos you will be busy doing something else. entirely. Realistically, I do not expect people to drop everything to go to events unless they are helping in them in some way eg, ushering, serving, being front of house. If you are just a guest, you can change your mind. If you have prior commitments, then its fine, as people respect your decision when you are a man of your word.

bUt obviously she will also know your reasons or reservations for not willing to go cos you have discussed this with her...right?

weddings, events all hinge on one day. And it is just one day. Your son, doesnt need to be there or witness something like this (how old?) and you wife, maybe she is being roped into helping I dont know but be firm . It will be harder for her to say no to her family than it is for you.
 

tstumf

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May 28, 2021
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It’s about a 3 hour drive away from our home. Yes she knows my views on Homosexuality in the past . generally speaking we are and have been both opposed to Homosexual marriages in the past and we believe it’s wrong . We have not sat down to discuss this particular issue of not going yet so I’m praying she will be receptive to my leading . That is my next action is to sit down with her and talk about this specific instance.

I’m just trying to decide when would be best to sit her down and talk about this specific situation. Should it be anytime now being we are 3 months away from the day. Or would it be wiser to wait till the topic comes up in conversations that will most likely come up during the planning? Our son is 5 years old.
 

Rosemaryx

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May 3, 2017
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I think the longer you leave it , the harder it will become...
If you have peace in your heart from God that you are doing the right thing with the decision you have made , then sooner rather than later...

That way , your wife will have time to absorb what you have said to her , and will see it more clearly , rather than putting it on her nearer the time , because than she may feel more obligated to go...

Also if you leave it longer , you may become weaker , remember Satan does not want you to speak up for Gods word , and he could temp you with his lies , and fill your mind towards not saying anything in the end...

I believe you will feel so much better once you speak to your wife , because it must be a burden on you...
...xox...
 

tstumf

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May 28, 2021
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I think the longer you leave it , the harder it will become...
If you have peace in your heart from God that you are doing the right thing with the decision you have made , then sooner rather than later...

That way , your wife will have time to absorb what you have said to her , and will see it more clearly , rather than putting it on her nearer the time , because than she may feel more obligated to go...

Also if you leave it longer , you may become weaker , remember Satan does not want you to speak up for Gods word , and he could temp you with his lies , and fill your mind towards not saying anything in the end...

I believe you will feel so much better once you speak to your wife , because it must be a burden on you...
...xox...
thankyou. That’s one thing I would fear is to fall into not saying a thing by waiting . I know myself and in these kind of situations my normal instinct is to freeze up and fall into passivity. With maintaining forward momentum I can keep myself from falling into passivity but at the same time I’m going to have to check myself at the beginning of this conversation so I’m not coming on too harshly as well. I do not wish to fall to a legalistic view either such as the Pharisees did to Jesus. It’s going to be a thin line I’m going to be walking on and I want to get it right as best as I can for Christ and this marriage of mine.
 

Rosemaryx

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May 3, 2017
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Proverbs 3;5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart , and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

It is like anything we have to confront , it is not easy , it brings butterflies to our tummy , and makes our heart race , it makes us sigh , and our hands shake , yet it will be the Holy Spirit who will be speaking through you , He will give you courage , you just need to pray that God will soften your wife's heart , and give her ears to hear...

You are not on your own , the Helper is with you :giggle:
...xox...
 

tstumf

Active member
May 28, 2021
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Proverbs 3;5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart , and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

It is like anything we have to confront , it is not easy , it brings butterflies to our tummy , and makes our heart race , it makes us sigh , and our hands shake , yet it will be the Holy Spirit who will be speaking through you , He will give you courage , you just need to pray that God will soften your wife's heart , and give her ears to hear...

You are not on your own , the Helper is with you :giggle:
...xox...
Thankyou for your kind words. I appreciate it
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
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I understand and Thankyou for that. I’m certain of where I stand and what the Holy Spirit is directing me to do now after months of careful examination. I will hold firm on my no. The only wandering I have is when to best approach this. Would it be best to be assertive and address this situation head on sooner the better even when planning hasn’t really taken place yet. It would be catching everyone by surprise likely. The only planning that has taken place as far as I can tell is a building reserved and a date/time for the reception. or is it wiser to wait till it’s being discussed and brought up in conversations around me so everyone is focused on it and they will be possibly expecting opposition and opinions and and make my stance known at that time. As scriptures say there is a time for everything I just need to determine when that time should be.
The best case scenario I could imagine in all this is if you shared the gospel with the brother-in-law, then with his partner in sin, and each repented of their evil ways and followed Christ and the wedding were cancelled. But other than that, I think you should make it known that you do not want to celebrate something detrimental to these two and you will not be participating. If you could have 'real conversations' with the parents, maybe the father, while leading up to this discussion and see if they really would like their son to get married for real... to a real woman... then discuss why calling such a thing 'marriage' is harmful and how this is bad for their son, and lead from there to not participating since it is harmful to him (opposing God is bad for people. The wages of sin is death.) During your interactions with them you could point out you do not have animosity for your bother-in-law and you want what is good for him.
 

tstumf

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May 28, 2021
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The best case scenario I could imagine in all this is if you shared the gospel with the brother-in-law, then with his partner in sin, and each repented of their evil ways and followed Christ and the wedding were cancelled. But other than that, I think you should make it known that you do not want to celebrate something detrimental to these two and you will not be participating. If you could have 'real conversations' with the parents, maybe the father, while leading up to this discussion and see if they really would like their son to get married for real... to a real woman... then discuss why calling such a thing 'marriage' is harmful and how this is bad for their son, and lead from there to not participating since it is harmful to him (opposing God is bad for people. The wages of sin is death.) During your interactions with them you could point out you do not have animosity for your bother-in-law and you want what is good for him.
And I think that’s what I’d absolutely wish to happen. I do love her brother and would absolutely love for him to turn away from sin and return to Christ rather than whatever religion they practice (I think they do the Islam koran thing). He is generally a good person but I think from what I’ve studied about Homosexuality is that he has essentially taken a physiological wound from his past. He Used a relationship with another man to sew up or cover that wound that would have been normally a brotherly love through Christ healing but somehow through sin it became unnaturally sexualized and now he’s on his 2nd known “partner”
( my take of homosexuality)

I don’t know if I can help him with it. I don’t even know if it’s my place to help him yet. I suppose God will reveal it to me as I take this first step.

Step 1 seems like it’s going to be if my marriage is going to survive the initial confrontation which is essentially going to be placing a sisters faith in God against her brothers sin. Will she stand by my leading of Gods word or will she insist on joining her brother in celebration of sin. Or alternatively will she attend and actively try to lead her brother out of the sin by making a statement at the reception. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I believe the Holy Spirit is prompting me to address it this week to find out where this is going. Please pray for us.
 

Rosemaryx

Senior Member
May 3, 2017
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I have prayed for you and your wife...
Be bold , be courageous , for the LORD your God is with you...
When you are weak , He will be your strength...

Fear God not man , for what can man do to you...
You will be shining the light on darkness , that is being a witness for Christ :)
...xox...
 

tstumf

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May 28, 2021
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Well. Broke the news to her tonight. She’s set on going at the moment for fear she’s going to get shunned by her family . I was gentle, patient and understanding as I possibly could be allowing the Holy Spirit to guide my words and tone. Please continue to pray for us.
 

Rosemaryx

Senior Member
May 3, 2017
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So pleased brother that you have taken the main step \o/
Now you need to just let God do what only God can do , and that is work on her heart...
...xox...
 

Ahwatukee

Senior Member
Mar 12, 2015
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Well. Broke the news to her tonight. She’s set on going at the moment for fear she’s going to get shunned by her family . I was gentle, patient and understanding as I possibly could be allowing the Holy Spirit to guide my words and tone. Please continue to pray for us.
Good day, tstumf,

I know that this has been a tough situation for you, but I thank God that you have made the right decision. As I said in the first post, this is a prime example of when Jesus meant when He said:

Do not assume that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn
‘a man against his father,
a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.
A man’s enemies will be the members
of his own household.’i
Anyone who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me; and anyone who does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. - Matthew 10:34-39

By not attending this detestable union you are taking up your cross i.e. your stand in Christ and the word of God. There are just some situations that God allows to take place as a test of our faith. Whether we are going care about pleasing God or our families. In this case, if you were to go to that event, you'd be loving your wife and in-laws more than the Lord. Maybe at some later time you can share with her the scripture above.

We'll continue to pray for you, your wife, brother in-law and your in-laws as well.
 

tstumf

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May 28, 2021
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So pleased brother that you have taken the main step \o/
Now you need to just let God do what only God can do , and that is work on her heart...
...xox...
Good day, tstumf,

I know that this has been a tough situation for you, but I thank God that you have made the right decision. As I said in the first post, this is a prime example of when Jesus meant when He said:

Do not assume that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn
‘a man against his father,
a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.
A man’s enemies will be the members
of his own household.’i
Anyone who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me; and anyone who does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. - Matthew 10:34-39

By not attending this detestable union you are taking up your cross i.e. your stand in Christ and the word of God. There are just some situations that God allows to take place as a test of our faith. Whether we are going care about pleasing God or our families. In this case, if you were to go to that event, you'd be loving your wife and in-laws more than the Lord. Maybe at some later time you can share with her the scripture above.

We'll continue to pray for you, your wife, brother in-law and your in-laws as well.

Thankyou for all your advice, wisdom and prayers
 

tstumf

Active member
May 28, 2021
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So I’m trying to grasp what I’m up against here. I get home and she proceeds to tell me that she and her mother talked and they agreed I not attend on the stipulation they ca. LIE to my Brother in law and claim I didn’t come because I worked 😬. I told her I do not want them to lie about it and if that’s the case I will tell him myself. What is going on here?