How Do I forgive My Cheating Husband and Stay with him?

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Tearose84

Guest
#21
#21
just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to be a doormat and allow him to abuse you or control you or in any way hinder your healing with God. He has damaged your relationship. he is going to have to deal with the consequences of that and he needs to understand that healing and trust just doesn't happen overnight. If that bothers him, well the things that he did to you bother me. So too bad.
 
S

Scottishlassie

Guest
#22
#22
I am in a similar situation and I'm not sure what to do. I have been married 4 years am 32 and discovered my husband has been having sex with other girls. I have the proof just not sure if I should confront him. I no that if I do He will become very volitile. He has slapped me before -he says I've provoked him cos I answer him back etc in an argument. I don't feel like the women I was before I married him. I have a kid with a previous partner and I think he resents him. I wouldn't leave 2 of them alone together. He says my family are all against him and won't let our daughter see my sister etc. If they knew halve the stuff I put up with they would be dragging me out there but I'm isolated. I can see them myself but I can't go through life like this. If I bring anything up I no it will get violent and he won't let me leave with our daughter. I'm not sure I even fancy him anymore. He will blame me for not giving him sex. But after the constant put downs and slaps my desire for him has left. I'm a Christian and so is he. I can forgive him as I don't hold into bitterness etc but I don't no if I want to stay in this marriage. I can survive on my own I have a job and I had a house but I sold it. So in that regards I would manage even though It would b hard as rent is high here. Any advice appreciated
 
C

coby

Guest
#23
#23
Scottishlassie said:
I am in a similar situation and I'm not sure what to do. I have been married 4 years am 32 and discovered my husband has been having sex with other girls. I have the proof just not sure if I should confront him. I no that if I do He will become very volitile. He has slapped me before -he says I've provoked him cos I answer him back etc in an argument. I don't feel like the women I was before I married him. I have a kid with a previous partner and I think he resents him. I wouldn't leave 2 of them alone together. He says my family are all against him and won't let our daughter see my sister etc. If they knew halve the stuff I put up with they would be dragging me out there but I'm isolated. I can see them myself but I can't go through life like this. If I bring anything up I no it will get violent and he won't let me leave with our daughter. I'm not sure I even fancy him anymore. He will blame me for not giving him sex. But after the constant put downs and slaps my desire for him has left. I'm a Christian and so is he. I can forgive him as I don't hold into bitterness etc but I don't no if I want to stay in this marriage. I can survive on my own I have a job and I had a house but I sold it. So in that regards I would manage even though It would b hard as rent is high here. Any advice appreciated
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Is he very violent? Otherwise go to a safe house or something. Just leave.
 
S

Scottishlassie

Guest
#24
#24
It coukd become that way.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#25
Feb 21, 2014
70,940
9,691
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#25
Scottishlassie said:
It coukd become that way.
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I'm gonna be bluntly honest with you cuz that's how I am.. I'm going to tell you about another member who came here and had left her abusive fiancee. She left for a day or so, then went back home to get some of her stuff. It got violent and he badly mangled and broke her hand, and she went to the ER. This was around Christmas of last year. She came on to tell us she was spending the holiday with her ex-husband and their son, so that her now ex-psycho fiancee couldn't contact her. That is the last time any of us here have heard from her. We don't know if she's okay or if she's even alive.. :(

Now I'm going to tell you my own personal experience of being with an abusive partner. When I was about 27 or so, my then-boyfriend and I would fight all the time. He didn't want me hanging out with friends, or talking to guys, having anyone over while he was gone, etc etc.. One day he brought a big heavy branch into the apartment and tried to beat me with it. I grabbed it, and screamed at him to get the heck out of my house. Finally, a few months later, he caused me to get evicted. :/ I told him he had to leave, and he snapped. He grabbed me by the throat and tried to strangle me. Fortunately, he let go and left.

My point is, don't think that hubby won't hurt or attack you. The girl I mentioned above thought her fiancee would never do that. She found out otherwise when he broke her hand and landed in the ER.. Please don't make the same mistake she did..
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#26
Mar 13, 2014
42,723
17,186
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Tennessee
#26
Scottishlassie said:
I am in a similar situation and I'm not sure what to do. I have been married 4 years am 32 and discovered my husband has been having sex with other girls. I have the proof just not sure if I should confront him. I no that if I do He will become very volitile. He has slapped me before -he says I've provoked him cos I answer him back etc in an argument. I don't feel like the women I was before I married him. I have a kid with a previous partner and I think he resents him. I wouldn't leave 2 of them alone together. He says my family are all against him and won't let our daughter see my sister etc. If they knew halve the stuff I put up with they would be dragging me out there but I'm isolated. I can see them myself but I can't go through life like this. If I bring anything up I no it will get violent and he won't let me leave with our daughter. I'm not sure I even fancy him anymore. He will blame me for not giving him sex. But after the constant put downs and slaps my desire for him has left. I'm a Christian and so is he. I can forgive him as I don't hold into bitterness etc but I don't no if I want to stay in this marriage. I can survive on my own I have a job and I had a house but I sold it. So in that regards I would manage even though It would b hard as rent is high here. Any advice appreciated
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Your husband is violent and abusive. The worst thing that a spouse can do is to cheat on the other. There is no excuse for that. If your husband loved you he wouldn't even think about being with another woman let alone cheat on you. My advice is to find a divorce lawyer. Welcome to CC.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#28
Feb 21, 2014
70,940
9,691
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#28
browneyedgirlygirl said:
Here is a "brief" detail of my sistuation:
n August 2012 my husband of 5yrs admitted to cheating on me through out our entire relationship with multiple woman multiple times, So many I couldn't actually count nor could he tell me. He also didn't tell me the complete truth about it all until a month after he revealed he had cheated. He wants to be with me still and decided to go with me to counseling which has helped us some but he only wants to go when a major problem comes up that we can't fix it ourselves. We are both believers and are trying to make this work with God, but I am still struggling with it all.

Today I was researching forgiveness (which my therapist has me doing) and it has lead to an emotional and upsetting day to say the least. I agree with everything I have read and I have heard it before and felt the way they are saying before, As in "This wont feel like this forever" and " You can create a stronger marriage after". These things are all things that went through my mind and are things I have felt since "revelation" (meaning when he told me he cheated) but I feel like I am going back and forth with these feelings because now my feeling is He doesn't deserve to have a 2nd chance, I shouldn't have to forgive him, and I want someone who will treat me better and who will not do this to me (even though I don't believe that kind of man exists anymore.)

Can anyone give me any kind of advice or words of encouragement in this situation? I really need them right now.. TIA..
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So he's cheated on you for FIVE YEARS with multiple women? So many he can't even remember them all? Are you nuts?! Seriously, are you nuts to stay with this man? It's a good bet he hasn't used protection with ANY of those women OR YOU. He's a walking STD in progress. Get yourself checked for any STD's. Better yet, stop having sex with him altogether.

Cheaters very rarely stop cheating. Cut him loose and move on. He's an adulterer, so you have the perfect reason to divorce his sorry butt. :/ He's not sorry he cheated on you, he's sorry because you found out about it. Don't buy his fake promises of "it will never happen again". Because it will, and he'll have made a fool of you once again. File divorce papers, serve them to him, and be done with this sham of a marriage which ended the very first time he cheated on you.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#29
Jun 30, 2015
25,802
13,951
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#29
Note to all... this is an old thread which has been resurrected.

No shame to ScottishLassie for appending onto an old thread though! :) If you feel comfortable doing so, perhaps you'd like to start a new thread?

In the meantime, get yourself safely away from your husband, get a restraining order placed on him, and get a divorce lawyer. Don't let your husband know where you are staying. And pray that your husband would be open to God's conviction, as that is the only thing which will change him.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#30
#30
Tell your family and have them help you. You know your in a bad situation because if they found out they would drag you out of it because they love you.

You and your daughter deserve better.

Leave and don't look back. Dont be alone with him because he will be violent when he learns you are leaving.
 
E

Enough

Guest
#31
#31
I am sorry you are going through this, I know how hurtful it can be.
 
P

Pagesville

Guest
#32
#32
My husband told me in Sept that he had cheated on me 12 years ago with my best friend. They worked together and she was 18 and a newlywed with a problem marriage. My Husband was the pastor counseling them also.
12 years ago there where accusations brought up that they might be cheating together, they denied. For what ever reason they confessed this past September. I suffered for 5 years believe they had cheated but being told NO and that I was crazy for that it was true, by my husband. I was put on antidepressant meds and slowly forgot somewhat. I continued to be friends actually best of friends with her. Going on vacations with them and watching there children.
She is happily married to the same man and has 6 children and they are soon to be set in as a Pastor of a church in another state.

I believe she told her husband then he called my husband to say he knew. Then my husband confessed. It is like opening a new healed wound up again. I want to forgive, I have forgiven I just cant forget. I wonder what other things has he lied to me about.
 
E

Enough

Guest
#33
#33
That is the problem, trust is broken. God knew that adultery was a tough one that's why He allows divorce because of it. God can heal you, when you feel those thoughts coming in your mind pray for a mighty warrior angel to protect your thoughts. Do you have to forgive, yes you do. But you do not have to rub elbows with the friend who betrayed you. I am so sorry for your hurt, I know this is a difficult thing for anyone to deal with, I will pray for you.
 
E

Enough

Guest
#34
#34
Ask God to protect your thoughts, pray for an angel to protect your thoughts. Ask God to remove any thought that isn't from Him
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#35
Mar 13, 2014
42,723
17,186
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#35
Pagesville said:
My husband told me in Sept that he had cheated on me 12 years ago with my best friend. They worked together and she was 18 and a newlywed with a problem marriage. My Husband was the pastor counseling them also.
12 years ago there where accusations brought up that they might be cheating together, they denied. For what ever reason they confessed this past September. I suffered for 5 years believe they had cheated but being told NO and that I was crazy for that it was true, by my husband. I was put on antidepressant meds and slowly forgot somewhat. I continued to be friends actually best of friends with her. Going on vacations with them and watching there children.
She is happily married to the same man and has 6 children and they are soon to be set in as a Pastor of a church in another state.

I believe she told her husband then he called my husband to say he knew. Then my husband confessed. It is like opening a new healed wound up again. I want to forgive, I have forgiven I just cant forget. I wonder what other things has he lied to me about.
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Your husband hid the truth for you for 12 years and allowed you to suffer for years denying the affair. Your husband was the pastor counseling them? Seriously, he should reconsider another line of work. Your marriage was destroyed 12 years ago but it is only now that you are realizing it. The trust can never be restored. You have suffered years of anxiety because of his foolish actions. A man that loves his wife does not even contemplate cheating on her let alone actually do it. Especially to someone who was vulnerable. Her marriage is going to suffer also as a result of their actions. I would consult a divorce lawyer. Welcome to CC.
 
E

Enough

Guest
#36
#36
Pretty harsh , She has to decide if it is worth fighting for. It will not be easy but it has been done
 
JosephsDreams

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
#37
Dec 31, 2015
4,313
468
83
#37
This is where the rubber hits the road. Try to hang in there. Keep praying. It is not for me to say so please do not take offense, you have to come to this yourself, but you "have" to forgive him.
 
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