how do you handle grief?

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Katy-follower

Senior Member
Jun 25, 2011
2,719
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#81
A friend died 4 years ago this month (25th July 2013), but it seems like just yesterday I heard the news. Her death came as a shock. I had not long come back from backsliding as a christian and I had never shared the gospel with her. We had lost contact for about 18 months leading up to her death. I had no idea she had moved to NY. I happened to be there the day before she died, and had no idea she was close by. To make things worse, I didn't realize we had a mutual friend, who lived just 20 miles or so from her. I had plans to meet up with him the day before her death, but he got sick. Had we have met up, her name would have probably come up in conversation and I would've naturally reached out to her while I was in town :(

Her death was ruled an accidental drowning in the bathtub, while intoxicated (drugs and alcohol). I remember she used to drink like a fish. I always sensed like the alcohol was her way of trying to numb internal pain. I was right as her boyfriend told me she revealed many things in her journal. She was a tortured soul :( Her last paintings were a bit disturbing, quite morbid... a dove stabbed with a knife. When I look at it now it looks to me like the dove of peace being murdered :(

I did feel guilt. If only I had reached out to her on that day then maybe she wouldn't have died. I also found an unread email from her that she sent months before, which I only just read after her death. She wanted to talk. To this day will never know what that was about. I had been so busy with work that it was difficult keeping up with relationships too, which is why I lost contact with some. I just wonder if maybe I would've made a difference in her life. I can only hope she reached out to God in those final moments. You just never know. She could've said a prayer in her desperate state. Strange thing is she kept coming into my mind constantly at the time that I didn't know she had just died, which is actually what led to me finding out about her death.

Just last October a colleague/friend died, who I had known for 10 years. He was ill in the 2 years leading up to his death, but I didn't realize it was life threatening, so his death was really unexpected. I was in shock for a bit, and also feeling a bit creatively lost, since we had collaborated on so many projects together in those 10 years, and now that journey had come to an end. The last time I saw him I had stopped by for lunch and just had no idea that was our final goodbye. We hugged and he smiled as I left. That smile will be forever in my memory.

You think over conversations you had with the person. I think some of the worst regrets are living with things you wish you had said while you had the chance. And now it's too late. I did share the gospel with him the year before and talked about the effects of sin, so I have that hope that maybe he got saved before he died. You just never know. I trust that God would've used what I said, bringing it to his memory before he passed away.
 
Last edited:
Jan 25, 2015
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#82
I was sitting in traffic this morning (fortunately I had my sunglasses on) and listened to a 80 year old pastor's testimony. I cried and cried.

It was sad but uplifting. It was beautiful but heart breaking :)
 

Katy-follower

Senior Member
Jun 25, 2011
2,719
155
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#83
With any type of grief, I've found that keeping a journal really helps. Also, if there are times when I struggle to pray it really helps to type the prayer out. I believe this still counts. God knows our thoughts before we have them anyway :) I use penzu.

Often when you feel like you're making progress, it takes just one thing and feels like you took many steps backwards. Lots of crying temporarily makes you feel better. They say tears are how we speak when the pain is too much for actual words. And some numbness. But you do get to that place of acceptance, and there is a type of "peace" that comes with that. Though it never completely goes away, it does get a bit easier over time.

I think it would be more difficult grieving for someone you know for sure wasn't a believer. But there is always hope the person got saved in those last minutes or seconds. Gandalf - you just never know about your brother! I've heard stories of how God spoke to people in their final moments, through a vision of some sort, revealing where they were going, and this was right before they died. One time a woman was in the room that witnessed this person's reaction to the vision. And many other stories where the person survived to give testimony, or they got saved just before death.

As for those we know for sure were believers - we have that peace knowing where they are, and they're having the time of their lives in Heaven. Could you blame them for being selfish and not wanting to come back :) But knowing you'll be reunited with them again some day.

Keeping yourself busy really helps, getting involved in some activity that keeps your focus on something else. Exercise always does wonders, because of those endorphins :) A hot bath in raw milk and honey, plus a glass of red wine (the wine for drinking, not bathing in lol). So relaxing. Music too... create a playlist of songs that make you feel good :)
 

Katy-follower

Senior Member
Jun 25, 2011
2,719
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#84
no crying while dusting will be easy. i don't dust. :p
On another note, just wish there was a button where you could zap all that dust away, lol. You dust and then more falls. It just never ends. Nothing I hate more than dust. Gggrr.

I have a cleaning lady that comes by often (her fee is reasonable and she's a family business, so it really helps her family), but I still have to dust in between. Otherwise the cats end up covered in it, and I'm constantly sneezing, lol.
 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
4,586
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#86
hey, Katy? what's a penzu? lol

i use one of those old marble composition books, and a pen (minus zu :p).
 
L

LittleBit1987

Guest
#87
Wanna know something funny?

I had a dream about my dad last night, course in my dreams he's never coherent or awake, he's usually asleep or just the way i last saw him (I won't go into detail). But he was sleeping in my dream and I was acting like I did when I was a kid. Tiptoeing around so I wouldn't wake him... I knew he loved his naps... I hated waking him up from one... but sometimes my dreams can be bitte sweet... it's like having the hardest roughest weeks... and the lord knows I just need a glimpse of my dad to make me feel better. And I do.... but I miss him soooooooo very much and I know he would have my nursery put together, and him and my hubby would have th room painted by now.. and the whole room would already be ready for Aidan to make his appearance....

sigh.... sorry to be a downer this morning... been exhausted all week and I went to bed around 8pm last night... and I NEVER do that..:(
 
J

Jennie-Mae

Guest
#88
Wanna know something funny?

I had a dream about my dad last night, course in my dreams he's never coherent or awake, he's usually asleep or just the way i last saw him (I won't go into detail). But he was sleeping in my dream and I was acting like I did when I was a kid. Tiptoeing around so I wouldn't wake him... I knew he loved his naps... I hated waking him up from one... but sometimes my dreams can be bitte sweet... it's like having the hardest roughest weeks... and the lord knows I just need a glimpse of my dad to make me feel better. And I do.... but I miss him soooooooo very much and I know he would have my nursery put together, and him and my hubby would have th room painted by now.. and the whole room would already be ready for Aidan to make his appearance....

sigh.... sorry to be a downer this morning... been exhausted all week and I went to bed around 8pm last night... and I NEVER do that..:(
Darlin', I feel you. I'll be praying for you:).
 

HoneyDew

Senior Member
Apr 30, 2011
2,308
352
83
#89
Wanna know something funny?

I had a dream about my dad last night, course in my dreams he's never coherent or awake, he's usually asleep or just the way i last saw him (I won't go into detail). But he was sleeping in my dream and I was acting like I did when I was a kid. Tiptoeing around so I wouldn't wake him... I knew he loved his naps... I hated waking him up from one... but sometimes my dreams can be bitte sweet... it's like having the hardest roughest weeks... and the lord knows I just need a glimpse of my dad to make me feel better. And I do.... but I miss him soooooooo very much and I know he would have my nursery put together, and him and my hubby would have th room painted by now.. and the whole room would already be ready for Aidan to make his appearance....

sigh.... sorry to be a downer this morning... been exhausted all week and I went to bed around 8pm last night... and I NEVER do that..:(
You aren't a downer. **hugs** Peace to you, hope you have the kind of day that makes you smile. :D
 
L

LittleBit1987

Guest
#90
Darlin', I feel you. I'll be praying for you:).
You aren't a downer. **hugs** Peace to you, hope you have the kind of day that makes you smile. :D
Thank you ladies.... I'm a bit better now. Just have a lot to do.. it's summer and it's hot... and wish the stores would open before daylight so I can get my errands done before it get to a million degrees.. cause we all know being pregnant during summer is quite possibly the worst time to BE preggers... especially if you are JUST entering into the 3rd trimester... :eek:
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#91
I seek out my pets. They let me cry without question. They let me hug them without pulling away. They exude a sense of innocent peace. They listen without judgment... and they never tell me "to just get over it an move on". ~ An animal's love is truly healing, albeit a dog, cat, horse, goat, bird... etc.
And that's why I like stuffed animals. Not only do they let me cry without question, they do no lick my nose in the middle of a sniffle, knead my arm with claws out, or mistake my hair for hay. lol
 

Katy-follower

Senior Member
Jun 25, 2011
2,719
155
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#92
hey, Katy? what's a penzu? lol

i use one of those old marble composition books, and a pen (minus zu :p).
It's an online journal. Don't think this site lets you share web addresses, but it shows up on google. Very convenient if you travel, or at work, since you can log in from any computer. I use those books for making notes when I watch sermons.

Not sure how much you write, but I would probably fill many notebooks, lol. Also, I'm very skilled at losing pens. Always seems that whenever I need one I always get the ones that don't work too, lol :)
 
Nov 23, 2016
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#93
With tears and hopefully some loving humour shared with those closest. Time helps soothe the emptiness that lingers .. but even then, we never stop missing those we loved. Wished I had more to offer. (( hugs ))
 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
4,586
1,047
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#94
It's an online journal. Don't think this site lets you share web addresses, but it shows up on google. Very convenient if you travel, or at work, since you can log in from any computer. I use those books for making notes when I watch sermons.

Not sure how much you write, but I would probably fill many notebooks, lol. Also, I'm very skilled at losing pens. Always seems that whenever I need one I always get the ones that don't work too, lol :)
(doesn't mention the shelf full of notebooks upstairs :rolleyes:)

ohhh, i see. you can type! for me, it's easier to buy pens 12 at a time. ;)
 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
4,586
1,047
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#95
With tears and hopefully some loving humour shared with those closest. Time helps soothe the emptiness that lingers .. but even then, we never stop missing those we loved. Wished I had more to offer. (( hugs ))

thank you so much, friend. i appreciate it more than words can express. as you might expect from knowing me, my sisters and i have the joking biz down pat. lol

thank God he gave me sisters. what a blessing!!
 
Feb 28, 2016
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#96
the only way that I can handle 'grief' is through the Love and Grace and Trust
in our Holy Saviour, Jesus Christ...
 
Sep 3, 2016
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#97
are there things that help you cope? the great obvious, the Bible, prayer, spend time at Christ's feet.

but take a walk? smile at children playing? what makes you feel a little better, and what (other than time) diminishes the grief?

please share your suggestions, if you will.
In the day of my trouble I will call upon thee: for thou wilt answer me. Psalm 86:7

Hebrews 13:5 Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC)

[SUP]5 [/SUP]Let your [SUP][a][/SUP]character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] [SUP][b][/SUP]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor [SUP][c][/SUP]give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [SUP][d][/SUP][I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor [SUP][e][/SUP]let [you] down ([SUP][f][/SUP]relax My hold on you)! [[SUP][g][/SUP]Assuredly not!]



 
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GaryA

Guest
#98
thank you. i got excited to share something with her, and called mom last week and totally forgot till i got the robot saying the number had been disconnected. you're not alone in that. :)
"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to notmyown again."

( :p )


Ellie, honey -- I know what that is like. Although I never actually made it as far as making the call, I do know what it is like to want to call her to tell her something - but, then realize that I cannot do that anymore.

My heart goes out to you, darlin'. And, I will continue to pray for you.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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Tennessee
#99
thank you. i got excited to share something with her, and called mom last week and totally forgot till i got the robot saying the number had been disconnected. you're not alone in that. :)
That's kind of sad. That brings to mind something that happen when my dad died. At the time I lived in Maine and Dad lived in Florida. A few months after he died I checked my email, something back then I only did every 3 or 4 months just to clear out unwanted junk mail. There was a letter that my dad had wrote to me a couple weeks before he died asking when I was going to see him again. Now, I'm still not sure when that will be but hopefully it's not sooner rather than later. I had a tear in my eye as I deleted the email.
 
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GaryA

Guest
sigh.... sorry to be a downer this morning... been exhausted all week and I went to bed around 8pm last night... and I NEVER do that..:(
I sincerely hope and pray that you have been able to "catch up" with everything so that you are able to rest comfortably from day to day... :)