Reality of waiting until Married

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
4,243
196
63
#21
God never said z need a pastor or judge to me married. In fact before the wedding ring two people.would simply move in together, become one flesh and for everyone they were.married. dont let ppl confuse u
That's not Biblical. In the Old Testament, a Canaanite prince had sex with Dinah, but that did not make them married. Even the wicked Canaanites had enough moral sense to know she wasn't married unless her father gave her in marriage. If a man took a girl's virginity in marriage under the law of Moses, the man had to marry her, but the father could refuse to give her to him in marriage if he chose. Jesus even mentioned giving in marriage.

Paul warned that a Christian should not become one in body with a prostitute. That did not mean that one who did so was marrying her. Rather, he was committing fornciation-- a sin. Fornication is a sin whether the price is $100 or free.
 

Tommy379

Notorious Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,143
113
#22
I'd really like to hear from those in here that didn't wait until marriage to have sex. I know it happens more than christians would like to admit, and saying such a thing is a double edged sword as it admit's fault to a judgmental community while at the same time giving someone a "free pass" who is struggling with the concept. However real stories from people in this sinful world would be nice. I am more than certain that waiting for marriage doesn't make everything sunshine and at the same time I know that successful marriages don't always involve waiting.

Here is one story, one of my closest friends was raised catholic and he has told me a few times that he wishes he didn't wait so he could be more experienced. (oh wait I do know one person that waited). He was raised in an abusive home and was at times homeless because he couldn't be at home with his father. His mother wouldn't leave him because she didn't believe in divorce but the consequences were severe for him. Today he believes in god and prays but he has no christian values. He is one of the very few people I feel comfortable telling anything in my life and I respect his opinion. However his wife has been through a double masectomy and chemo and he is full of issues stemming from his upbringing.

My point here is that christian values and waiting for marriage is never a sure fire way to a good life. He is with his wife that he loves and she loves him, even when he replaces his TV with a $4k model while they are $10k+ in debt and she needs a reconstructive boob job.

I think I'm going to go play games at his place this weekend.
I didn't wait, and have felt pain over it ever since. I was full of guilt over it during my marriage, and I really regret it. When I was with my wife, I could see what I had done in my mind, and it was horrible.
 
#23
The ONLY thing I can give my husband that no other woman can give him is MY body. I didn't wait, but that is a regret of mine. Just because the world says it's okay doesn't mean there won't be regrets later from listening to the world instead of God. And using the excuse "celebrities are doing it, so it's more mainstream and acceptable today," is still using an excuse. Fifty years ago celebrities were "those deranged people" not someone to emulate. They were denied apartments, seats in restaurants and shows, and were considered outcasts....now for some reason, just because a person is in a movie, they are somehow a role model? When did lying for a living(acting or pretending) make one a good person? EH just my opinion though.
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
7,648
1,759
113
#24
When you lay with a woman, they own you. Run....
That would be "lie", but it seems that this word is generally used incorrectly, so you are not alone. I see this in books all the time. Anyhow, your thought is a little extreme (probably tongue-in-cheek), although you do have a point.

Ideally (and biblically), people should marry at the earliest opportunity, and have sexual relations only after marriage. And marriage is heterosexual, monogamous, and permanent until death, with the goal of having a family and raising children "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord"). For Christians, divorce is unacceptable to God (except for one reason alone).
 

Tommy379

Notorious Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,143
113
#25
That would be "lie", but it seems that this word is generally used incorrectly, so you are not alone. I see this in books all the time. Anyhow, your thought is a little extreme (probably tongue-in-cheek), although you do have a point.

Ideally (and biblically), people should marry at the earliest opportunity, and have sexual relations only after marriage. And marriage is heterosexual, monogamous, and permanent until death, with the goal of having a family and raising children "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord"). For Christians, divorce is unacceptable to God (except for one reason alone).
But I already did it.

That's why I know these things.

And I'm sure to lie with another.

I never learn from my mistakes.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
630
399
63
Texas
#26
Have a look at statistics and see what you think.
University of Chicago, was the first serious, fully reputable study of sexual behavior in America. It found a marked connection between premarital sex and elevated risk of divorce. The authors explain:
"For both genders, we find that virgins have dramatically more stable first marriages"
2
"The finding confirms the results reported by Kahn and London…those who are virgins at marriage have much lower rates of separation and divorce."
3
Additionally, "Those who marry as non-virgins are also more likely – all other things being equal – to be unfaithful over the remainder of their life compared with those spouses who do marry as virgins."
4
This higher prevalence of marital infidelity among the non-virginal is assumed to be an important factor in their higher likelihood of divorce, while "those who are virgins at marriage are those who go to greater lengths to avoid divorce."
5
Essentially, non-virgins typically appear to do more to harm their marriages and virgins do more to strengthen them.
 

TamLynn

Junior Member
Nov 27, 2014
259
372
63
#27
But I already did it.

That's why I know these things.

And I'm sure to lie with another.

I never learn from my mistakes.
Pain. Guilt. Regret. Those things steal your joy and keep your eyes off Jesus.
This might be a mistake you don't want to make again Tommy. I pray you don't.
 
Aug 3, 2018
8
6
3
#28
Hmm. I'm going to be a bit long and raw and honest here.

I was with my ex-husband before we got married; we lived together for about 6 months before we got married. He was my first (only) partner. He had partners before me. We got married and I stuck to my vows. I was raised Catholic, and didn't take giving him my virginity lightly. Over the course of our marriage, he had many, many affairs. And the marriage got abusive emotionally, sexually, and financially. Thankfully, he didn't hit me. But I convinced myself that not getting hit meant I wasn't being abused.

Anyway... I ended up developing some pretty serious female issues after having our children. Over time, they kept worsening. I scheduled a major repair surgery with the best doctor in my state.

One night, as I was being assaulted once again (sadly, it had become a regular occurrence) I stopped trying to fight him off and be quiet so I wouldn't wake up the children. I swear I heard God whisper to me and say that this was NOT the life that was meant for me. I realized how messed up it was to allow the assault to happen so I could protect my children's sleep (innocence?)

I soon obtained a protective order, had him removed from the house and began our divorce proceedings.

Meanwhile, I had my surgery scheduled on the books at that point, and it was coming up in a month! I decided to keep my appointment. It was with the best doctor and I had to wait for many many months to even get an appointment with him.

My point is... after my extensive female repairs (hysterectomy, perineum repair, repair of my vaginal wall which was herniated) I feel as though I've been given the gift of a second virginity, if you will. Its been a year and a half since then.

I have people in my life who have offered to set me up with people on dates. Friends who have casual encounters and are having "great fun!" People who are telling me that it is time to start considering dating.

But the one person who's opinion and friendship I respect the most is my Christian male friend. We have communicated for most of the past year and a half... sometimes every day, sometimes a few weeks between messages... but only by text or email. He guided me on my path back to the Lord, and has been the most understanding man I've ever known.

I offered to meet and buy dinner one night because I was hurting and needed a friend to talk to and I wanted to talk with a real person. He told me that his duty was to be righteous and be a friend to me, and meeting might not be the best idea... And he's been exactly that, the best friend I could ask for. And we texted for hours that evening.

You see, I think that he knew that I was in a fragile state at that time. And he's been helping me grow in my Faith and as a new person. I think he was worried that I wasn't ready for a relationship, and he wasn't really ready either.

We once briefly talked about how we felt recently. It seems that we both have some level of romantic interest in each other, but we know that if it is meant to be God will put us together at His timing. He lives several hours drive from me, which helps us maintain our chastity and we enjoy each other's thoughts and conversation from afar.

Anyway, my long-winded answer is... There are some truths I now know from my experiences-
1) there are good men in this world who are believers and who are righteous and respectful
2) that at my age (40-something) and life experience (divorced mother to a few children) it is unrealistic to expect to find another 40-something-ish male virgin
3) that I do not *want* a sex-based relationship. I have always wanted an emotionally intimate and respectful relationship with my mate, and never had that with my ex. I have to keep telling my "well meaning friends" that I am fine testing out how to be a single happy person right now.
4) that I plan to wait until I find the person that I truly want to spend my life with to give this new "virginity" to, and right now, I see that as being AFTER marriage and not a moment before.

We always look back behind us and evaluate our lives. We examine what we'd change or what we regret... I wouldn't change a thing! This is the path God put me on, and I can see how each event led me to right where I am today.

I will say, that I wish I was "stronger" as a young woman. Stronger in the sense that I had the ability to tell these things to my ex and that I would have waited. I guess I should have run when I lost my virginity to him, anyway. I denied it for a long time, but that was actually a rape, and it breaks my heart to think on.

Oh dear... I had to scroll back up to see the point of your post, lol. I think YES you can wait for the right person and the right relationship. And just because you aren't a virgin at this moment doesn't mean you have God's permission to go sleeping with anyone you'd like. You can still hold yourself accountable and keep yourself under control until you meet the person God meant for you to be with. That person may or not be a virgin. Hopefully, whatever their "status" they are looking for a meaningful, respectful and faithful relationship, too.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
630
399
63
Texas
#29
God never said z need a pastor or judge to me married. In fact before the wedding ring two people.would simply move in together, become one flesh and for everyone they were.married. dont let ppl confuse u
Except that pesky bit about obey every ordinance of man. In 1 Peter 2: 13.

Then there is history

The early Jewish method of marriage involved three stages – contract, consummation, and celebration. We read of these stages in the Bible from the time of Abraham to the first century AD. The first stage was the signing of the marriage contract called the ketubbah. This contract legally bound the bride, groom, and their families. The father of the bride and the father of the groom or the groom himself signed the ketubbah, the purpose of which was primarily to protect the bride. The father of the bride used his wisdom to protect his daughter. The contract included the money the groom paid the father of the bride (“bride price”). Fifty shekels of silver was the normal bride price. The groom lost this bride price if he divorced the bride without cause or took a second wife without the permission of the bride or her father. The ketubbah also spelled out the assets the bride would take into the marriage to contribute to her husband’s estate when she married him. The signature by the groom and bride’s father (with or without the bride’s consent) sealed the marriage. The bride and groom would get to know each other between the first two stages of the wedding. They were legally married/betrothed after the signatures on the ketubbah and began dating at that point. The signing of the betrothal meant they were married according to law.

And you find this contract being made between husband to be and the father of the bride to be through out Genesis.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
4,243
196
63
#30
ThrewMyRock1008,

Have you considered just remaining single and of course celibate while your ex is alive?

I Corinthians 7
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
(NKJV)

Matthew 19
8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”
(NKJV)
 

1371

Member
Oct 26, 2018
35
23
8
#31
I have not waited and each relationship I have had and has ended has torn me apart.
 

ADisciple

Junior Member
Apr 3, 2015
6
0
1
#32
It is better to have waited than to not wait and possibly end up separated because when you separate your partner takes that part of you with her/him and you never get that back.
 
Aug 3, 2018
8
6
3
#33
ThrewMyRock1008,

Have you considered just remaining single and of course celibate while your ex is alive?

I Corinthians 7
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
(NKJV)

Matthew 19
8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”
(NKJV)

Sexual Immorality— as in my spouse has a minimum of 9 affairs, and sexually assaulted me for years?

25 years together. My entire adult life.

God never intended that for me, and I’m at peace with my divorce. I waited WAY longer than I should have, praying for him to change in an effort to honor my vows.

If God someday blesses me with the right (AMAZING, RESPECTFUL, LOVING, BELIEVER) person in my life, I would absolutely remarry if I felt called to that path.

In the meantime, single and celibate suits me just fine.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
4,243
196
63
#34
Matthew includes the exception clause for a man whose wife has committed fornication. The part of the verse, "whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery' is problematic.

Be that as it may, Paul certainly encouraged celibacy to enable a life more focused on the Lord.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
8,553
3,359
113
#35
ThrewMyRock1008,

Have you considered just remaining single and of course celibate while your ex is alive?

I Corinthians 7
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
(NKJV)

Matthew 19
8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”
(NKJV)
You've muffed this one, Presidente. Jesus' words clearly give TMR1008 warrant to divorce, yet you suggest that she is not free to remarry. She didn't depart from a marriage; her ex did by his affairs and abuse. If she didn't have biblical justification to divorce and be free to remarry, then nobody ever did.
 
Aug 3, 2018
8
6
3
#36
Matthew includes the exception clause for a man whose wife has committed fornication. The part of the verse, "whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery' is problematic.

Be that as it may, Paul certainly encouraged celibacy to enable a life more focused on the Lord.
The “problematic phrase” does not read as you state. The phrase refers to the adulterous wife. If she remarried....

You cannot take a phrase out of context. You must consider the full verse, and the context of the full chapter context. It saddens me when people use the Bible wrongfully for hurt or judgement.

To relate your quoted verse to my personal situation, the current female in ex’s life also commits adultery against me if she marries him.

I’m clean. Never have committed any sexual immorality.
 
Aug 3, 2018
8
6
3
#37
You've muffed this one, Presidente. Jesus' words clearly give TMR1008 warrant to divorce, yet you suggest that she is not free to remarry. She didn't depart from a marriage; her ex did by his affairs and abuse. If she didn't have biblical justification to divorce and be free to remarry, then nobody ever did.

Thank you, Dino. My thoughts exactly.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
4,243
196
63
#38
The “problematic phrase” does not read as you state. The phrase refers to the adulterous wife. If she remarried....

You cannot take a phrase out of context. You must consider the full verse, and the context of the full chapter context. It saddens me when people use the Bible wrongfully for hurt or judgement.

To relate your quoted verse to my personal situation, the current female in ex’s life also commits adultery against me if she marries him.

I’m clean. Never have committed any sexual immorality.
Hi,

I am not accusing you of anything. I do notice that Christ never taught that divorce women should remarry if their spouses were sexually immoral. Some of the patriarchs were polygamous, which meant multiple sexual partners (they were married to). But polyandrous marriage was certainly not allowed. I do not believe polygamy was the original intention, but God did give laws that regulated polygamy, at least allowing it to exist.

I read an article this morning while looking for another topic, that 'except' is an unjustified translation in this passage. The author argued the the passage means Jesus is saying that He is not dealing with or addressing the issue of divorce for the cause of fornication. Other passages omit the clause entirely.

An equivalent passage in Mark 10 says,
10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”
(NIV)

This speaks a woman divorcing her husband and marrying another man. Jewish law did not allow this, but there is one case of a woman divorcing her husband I read about. It was recorded that the woman we know as Herodias received permission to divorce Philip from the chief priests and then married his brother Herod. John the Baptist had told Herod, "It is not lawful for thee to have her." Of course, that marriage was against Old Testament incest laws as well, since Philip was still alive at the time.
 
Oct 29, 2018
48
70
18
#39
God never changes...period.

We can make whatever excuses we want to justify what we choose to do (our free will).

God's attributes and desires for us along with His standards are consistently the same. Stop making excuses. If sleeping with someone is the goal, just admit it. It will be sin, simple as that.

Choose to sin or choose not to. It is on you (the general you).
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
4,243
196
63
#40
Is there any other thing the Bible says that God avenges toward believers besides fornication? I think the NIV says punishes.

I Thessalonians 4
6that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you.
(ESV)