Stop apologizing

[Depleted]

I find myself apologizing when I can't fix things thaT I should NOT be expected to fix anyway.....

I've said I'm sorry to husband when he stubbed his toe on the coffee table through absolute no fault of my own. (I did not move the table in the dark, I did not shove him or get in his way, I wasn't even near him.) And then I realize what I'm really sorry about is his pain from stubbing his toe.

 

[Depleted]

Your forgot the most important one, you are right:b

"I love you" with no strings attached and in the middle of nothing in particular goes further.

I'm sorry.

 

[Sirk]

I've said I'm sorry to husband when he stubbed his toe on the coffee table through absolute no fault of my own. (I did not move the table in the dark, I did not shove him or get in his way, I wasn't even near him.) And then I realize what I'm really sorry about is his pain from stubbing his toe.

In those kinds of situations I choose to say, holy crap, did that hurt, are you okay? Saying I'm sorry puts the focus on you, does it not? Asking questions and seeking information is the path to true empathy and acknowledgement of another person's pain.

 

[Sonflower]

I might annoy someone? I can guarantee I annoy people.

That's their problem, not mine. They choose how to deal with that. And I'm fine if they walk away forever.

Might I suggest taking on that mindset? After all, I've annoyed people for trying to do something helpful to them, so sometimes it's not me.

It was a little more complicated than that. I understand what you are saying, agree, and don't have a problem using that approach. This was one particular person, that I don't feel comfortable posting about for the world to see, and it was an almost 20 year process. I didn't even realized I had changed until after this person was no longer apart of my every day life. It's not always that black and white.

 

[PoetMary]

In those kinds of situations I choose to say, holy crap, did that hurt, are you okay? Saying I'm sorry puts the focus on you, does it not? Asking questions and seeking information is the path to true empathy and acknowledgement of another person's pain.

Except, "I'm sorry" also conveys empathy. It lets the other person know that you are experiencing sorrow on their behalf....that you may be sharing their sorrow.

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that there's not only one meaning for "I'm sorry." It doesn't inherently mean, "I am to blame." Also, there are lots of ways to convey empathy. What speaks to one person might not speak to another. I don't know that we can make a formula for this stuff. For example, some people might not want someone to say anything. Some people experience the greatest empathy through touch. So, when they share bad news, or stub their toe, or whatever, they don't want any kind of phrase, they just want a hug.

 

[Depleted]

Lol. I requoted these two posts,
and even reversed the order, for the benefit
of anyone else reading in, and thinking perhaps
the two ideas were at odds with each other.

They are not, and I wrote 'Lol' because this thought
just made me chuckle a bit in it's simplicity.....

We want to stop all this 'I'm sorry' stuff...
And we want to grow in Christ-likeness...
I guess one way to do both, is to stop
doing stuff that I should be sorry for.
(Duh me, right?)

And the idea of more gratitude is a great step in that direction.
Instead of 'sorry I did this', 'sorry I'm like that',
change it to,
'Thank you, Lord, for forgiveness in Jesus Christ'.
'Thank you, Lord, for leading me
from wrongful thinking/believing/doing',
'Thank you, Lord, for teaching me and loving me
so much so, that you not only gave your
only begotten Son for me, but you also want to help me
grow into the image and likeness of you, my God and Savior.
Thank you, Lord for your amazing grace!

What a valuable lesson. We all need Jesus.....,
being thankful we have Him is a great way to
help eliminate many wrongs, AND many 'sorries'.

THANKS again for the thread and
everyone adding good stuff!

(SORRY I'm so slow to learn)
Lol lol ... sorry, couldn't resist ...
old habits die hard, ya know?!

Something I've been thinking as I read this thread.

How many know the difference between "I'm sorry" and "Would you please forgive me?"

I do. I do because I too was raised to say "I'm sorry" to get parents off my back. I was sorry I got caught for whatever to get the parents on my back in the first place. I wasn't sorry I did it. I still use that one even today.

"Would you please forgive me" means I did something wrong to you. I owe you that. I need to reconcile with you. I need to do better and the only way I can do better is God working his will in me unrestrained. (He is unrestrained. I still sometimes choose to take the trip by fish belly rather than boat. lol)

"I'm sorry" means very little, because it can mean anything. (Depending how well you know the person and how much you can judge what "I'm sorry" means to that person.)

"Forgive me" is repentance. That really is something we should probably do more often each day. But if we're just replacing "I'm sorry" with "forgive me" it means nothing, and it should mean something.

 

[PoetMary]

Man did I ever need to here this! I am one of those kinds of people, and I'm still working on being better about it. Someone once said to me that there is a difference between being the "nice guy" and a "kind man". The first is a doormat, the second is a true gentleman. Thanks for posting this, brother. Christ didn't call us to be doormats, He called us to be steadfast. Amen.

Except, these definitions of "nice" and "kind" aren't biblically driven. The idea that a NICE man is weak is *from the world.* If you actually look up the words, nice and kind are SYNONYMS. I'm not sure it's useful for Christians to adopt ideas of the world in determining how we will interact with others.

 

[Sirk]

Except, "I'm sorry" also conveys empathy. It lets the other person know that you are experiencing sorrow on their behalf....that you may be sharing their sorrow.

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that there's not only one meaning for "I'm sorry." It doesn't inherently mean, "I am to blame." Also, there are lots of ways to convey empathy. What speaks to one person might not speak to another. I don't know that we can make a formula for this stuff. For example, some people might not want someone to say anything. Some people experience the greatest empathy through touch. So, when they share bad news, or stub their toe, or whatever, they don't want any kind of phrase, they just want a hug.

In my case it turns into a bad habit and I apologize when there is no need instead of saying thank you. I hear ya tho. When someone is hurt I authentically am sorry. I am just choosing to convey it differently so that I stop putting myself beneath people in instances where an apology is not warranted.

 

[notuptome]

So now it's I'm sorry for saying I'm sorry?

Well excuse my ignorance. Love means you never need to say I'm sorry.

I apologize if someone is offended by how I say what I say but I cannot apologize for the truth. Jesus said that the Truth would divide and set father against son, mother against daughter.

Mat 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Depleted]

Thanking them for making me a better teacher would be a lie. Also, they don't want to be thanked. They want me to apologize because little Johnny got upset. They want Johnny's FEELINGS to be acknowledged. Imagine this scenario: Little Johnny goes home hacked off at a particular grade he has received. He complains to his parents and inaccurately reports so his parents are convinced that Johnny has been unfairly treated by the mean, mean teacher. They are HOT! They shoot me a hateful email about how I'm a terrible teacher and how dare I give their Johnny such a grade.

At this point, am I meant to say, "Thank you so much for helping me be a better teacher?" They aren't helping me be a better teacher. They're reacting to misinformation. So, that would be a lie.

OR could I say, "I'm so sorry Johnny was upset. It is upsetting to get a grade that is lower than what you expect. Here's what happened..."

The thing is, I *am* sorry that Johnny was upset. I get that when we have disappointed expectations, it can be painful. My reply and apology are SINCERE.

I also get what you've been saying about apologizing and that it has transformed your thinking. My way may be different than yours.

I would simply ask if they'd like to hear my side of the story now. No need to apologize. No need to handle them to get them to listen. If they don't, nothing to be said. If they're nosy, maybe, together we can figure out where I am at fault and where Johnny is at fault.

After all, what you may not know is Johnny's brother was in the hospital that week, he was worried, plus his parents took him with them every night to spend time with brother, so Johnny never got the chance to study and work for that grade. And parents are more upset, but they can't really yell at the doctor to make the doctor fix their son, and no one is listening, so hey, Johnny's teacher was mean, so haul off and clobber her!

Meanwhile Mean-Teacher didn't ever asked, forced him to take the test/hand in the homework, and he never got the chance to tell his side either. Yeah, that really IS a mean-teacher assuming stuff.

I HATE being handled. You're handling Johnny's parents. You're also making assumptions without learning the whole story.

 

[Sirk]

So now it's I'm sorry for saying I'm sorry?

Well excuse my ignorance. Love means you never need to say I'm sorry.

I apologize if someone is offended by how I say what I say but I cannot apologize for the truth. Jesus said that the Truth would divide and set father against son, mother against daughter.

Mat 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

Are offended by this thread topic? If so, how?

 

[Depleted]

In those kinds of situations I choose to say, holy crap, did that hurt, are you okay? Saying I'm sorry puts the focus on you, does it not? Asking questions and seeking information is the path to true empathy and acknowledgement of another person's pain.

I once fell down the basement steps butt first. Hit my ribs, my crazy bone and the back of my head. It took a bit of time to react although I was feeling the pain.

And hubby sees me still on the steps grimacing and asks, "Are you alright?"

That was 30 years ago, and he have stopped asking that dumb questions ever since.

 

[Sirk]

I once fell down the basement steps butt first. Hit my ribs, my crazy bone and the back of my head. It took a bit of time to react although I was feeling the pain.

And hubby sees me still on the steps grimacing and asks, "Are you alright?"

That was 30 years ago, and he have stopped asking that dumb questions ever since.

I'm just guessing here but I'm sorry wouldn't have cut it either.

 

[Depleted]

It was a little more complicated than that. I understand what you are saying, agree, and don't have a problem using that approach. This was one particular person, that I don't feel comfortable posting about for the world to see, and it was an almost 20 year process. I didn't even realized I had changed until after this person was no longer apart of my every day life. It's not always that black and white.

I'll say it since I'm just guessing and you don't have to acknowledge if I'm right or wrong. I was imagining that person was your mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, or family member you lived with or, at least, had to visit every weekends and longer during vacations. Someone you're stuck being around even when you had no choice.

I'm thinking one of my brothers. (I've got four, so if anyone ever did find this, I'm not giving which one. lol) It cost me plenty to have that mindset. (Physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I can't say spiritually, because I wasn't born again until I was 16.) I'd rather have this mindset than spend my life being a doormat.

One of my sayings is, "I'm not passive-aggressive. I'm aggressive." I do not suffer fools lightly. And I may well be the fool, but rather a fool than a doormat. He was training me to be a doormat. Didn't work.

 

[Depleted]

So now it's I'm sorry for saying I'm sorry?

Well excuse my ignorance. Love means you never need to say I'm sorry.

I apologize if someone is offended by how I say what I say but I cannot apologize for the truth. Jesus said that the Truth would divide and set father against son, mother against daughter.

Mat 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

"Love means never having to say I'm sorry" is from the book/movie Love Story. It is a bigger pile a manure than an elephant manure pile. It is the ultimate in stupid things the world says. And I was equally ticked with that line when I was 14 and heard it the first time.

 

[PeterJens]

My kids say I am wrong to say "I am sorry, but you have to lay the table." What I am saying is I do not like being a dictator, but I know it needs to be done, so I am expressing regret of having to force a situation, but I do.

I suppose when God judges mankind and us, he could apologise first, but I do not read that in scripture. Facts are facts.

Maybe we have just got too scared of the back biting that comes when we force an issue so try and head it off with sorry.
It would probably be more honest to ignore the sorry and just be forceful, because though one regrets the need to do the action, it has to be done.

I need to grow up, and count the cost, and bite the bullet and not excuse my action before the attack. That is probably devaluing the response, and taking away their ability to complain, which is not respecting their rights. I must stop saying sorry, I am so sorry to have to tell you this all, but I know I must, but it fills me with so much regret to have to dare to be assertive.

Ok I am not sorry. If it needs to be said, say it, do it. If people backlash, it is their problem. This site is teaching me this lesson, and for a number I am not sorry over what I said, it had to be said.

 

[Sirk]

My kids say I am wrong to say "I am sorry, but you have to lay the table." What I am saying is I do not like being a dictator, but I know it needs to be done, so I am expressing regret of having to force a situation, but I do.

I suppose when God judges mankind and us, he could apologise first, but I do not read that in scripture. Facts are facts.

Maybe we have just got too scared of the back biting that comes when we force an issue so try and head it off with sorry.
It would probably be more honest to ignore the sorry and just be forceful, because though one regrets the need to do the action, it has to be done.

I need to grow up, and count the cost, and bite the bullet and not excuse my action before the attack. That is probably devaluing the response, and taking away their ability to complain, which is not respecting their rights. I must stop saying sorry, I am so sorry to have to tell you this all, but I know I must, but it fills me with so much regret to have to dare to be assertive.

Ok I am not sorry. If it needs to be said, say it, do it. If people backlash, it is their problem. This site is teaching me this lesson, and for a number I am not sorry over what I said, it had to be said.

Forced sorrow leads to death but Godly sorry leads to life.

 

[Depleted]

I'm just guessing here but I'm sorry wouldn't have cut it either.

Oh, so not! lol

Two things we had to learn early in our marriage:
1. Don't always try to fix the problem. (When I came home angry at my boss, he'd tell me to quit. I did. And then I realized it was a good job, nice boss, great pay, and he just did something to annoy me that day.)
2. Don't ask obvious questions. ("Did that hurt?")

Ya know? I really have no idea how guys deal with their wives are supposed to be submissive but they love them part of marriage. But, I got to tell you being submissive is tough to figure out too. I suspect the guy's side is the bigger confusion.

And I say this knowing 35 years later and I'm still trying to figure out what to do in new cases.

(Do NOT say "I'm sorry." lol Just an observation.)

 

[Depleted]

My kids say I am wrong to say "I am sorry, but you have to lay the table." What I am saying is I do not like being a dictator, but I know it needs to be done, so I am expressing regret of having to force a situation, but I do.

I suppose when God judges mankind and us, he could apologise first, but I do not read that in scripture. Facts are facts.

Maybe we have just got too scared of the back biting that comes when we force an issue so try and head it off with sorry.
It would probably be more honest to ignore the sorry and just be forceful, because though one regrets the need to do the action, it has to be done.

I need to grow up, and count the cost, and bite the bullet and not excuse my action before the attack. That is probably devaluing the response, and taking away their ability to complain, which is not respecting their rights. I must stop saying sorry, I am so sorry to have to tell you this all, but I know I must, but it fills me with so much regret to have to dare to be assertive.

Ok I am not sorry. If it needs to be said, say it, do it. If people backlash, it is their problem. This site is teaching me this lesson, and for a number I am not sorry over what I said, it had to be said.

I am sorry I cannot have hubby come home yet. He HAS to get rehabbed to simply deal with climbing the five steps to get into our house, and he is still bigger than me, so I can't carry him. I really do have HUGE regret over that, but I'm not going to apologize to him everytime he tells me he wants me to take him home NOW. He knows this. I know this. He's demanding that because he's that frustrated. I'm equally as frustrated.

Your kids. Surely you've explained why you're sorry once, maybe three times, probably hundreds of times. I write fiction. One of the things I have to work at is to show readers things that are truly important to the story more than once, but don't keep showing it to them, because then it gets like I think they're too stupid to remember. Same deal with your kids. Once you know they know why you're feelings are conflicted, there is no need to keep saying that. Your kids. By the time they have their first memory that sticks with them, (my first memory happened when I was 18 months old), they already know you. To keep treating them like they don't is annoying. It is the same frustration you'd have if they told you they were going to a friend's house 15 times before they left for the friend's house.

You're 56, so I'm thinking your kids already know. You're guy, so you can be like my dad and brother -- going on having more kids later in life -- so you're kids are still young. But, if they've already mastered "lay the table," they already know your conflicted feelings, but ultimately you have their good in mind.

Not as perfectly as God has our good in mind, but like Dad ought to for any kid.

You are hereby set free of telling your kids you are sorry for making them do what they ought to do. (Not set free of telling them you're sorry when you screwed up though. None of us get out of that one.... sorry. lol)

 

[Dan58]

You may be right, I can't remember Jesus ever apologizing for anything? He didn't even apologize to the Pharisees after offending them repeatedly. I guess he had nothing to apologize for? Although, he did say; "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do". So the trick to never needing to apologize is to never screw-up . Saying "I'm sorry" is a defense for all our inadequacies and mistakes. But certainly, its as much of an over-used expression as "Have a nice day".