If it's any help Gemmy
I was sexually abused as a teenager.
I was thrown out by my mum.
Was fostered by a Christan family.
I got to know them through the Boys Brigade (like the Boy Scouts but with a Christan focus)
So not long after I was fostered I spent the next 6 years with a foster dad trying to sexually abuse me.
Turns out that he had actually gone to prison for similar offences when he was in charge of a children's home.
I mentioned to someone what was happening.
Next thing I know the police were knocking on the door, asking me to come and talk with them.
They said were in the car over there, and went back to the car.
Before I went out to talk my foster mother said "Do not say anything, I'm just a teenager acting like a teenager"
When in the car I was asked "Is your foster dad sexually abusing you?
Now I had a choice?
The choice was,
If I say yes then would I be placed in a children's home.
If I say yes then would my foster mum (who led me to Jesus) be left again on her own with a young child.
If I say yes then would be taken back to my own mother only to be thrown out again and end up on the streets.
Despite the place I was in, the foster family, fed me, took me to church, celebrated my birthday and so on.
Hmm difficult choices.
I chose to lie to the police and said "no he is not sexually abusing me"
Purely selfish on my part.
Better the devil you know than the one you don't know, as we say over here.
Truth is the devil is the devil. And he will use every opportunity to entangle us and question God.
He had a field day with me.
In my early twenties I stopped going to church, didn't lose my faith in Jesus.
But I just could not cope with the negative emotions, the hatred I had for myself, for my abuser and my anger towards a so called loving God.
During this period I slept around, sexual immorality, developed a severe gambling addiction.
This was my escape from the reality of my life.
The more I did it the more I was ensnared by Satan.
I had so much hatred, so much pain, so much guilt.
For about 14 years I woke every night, the same time every night.
Guilt and condemnation and fear.
During this time I actually woke up as a result of shadows in the room tormenting me.
I tried to call out but could not, I was paralysed. I was stuck where I was.
My wife (the most amazing Godly woman whom I love dearly, who sleeps heavily) one day commented "The bedsheets are soaking, come to think of it, is been happening for a long time"
I told her, she then stated awake when I slept.
Then she saw what was happening.
She said to me
"I watched you as you fell asleep, then I watched you starting to get very agitated, your eyes were closed but then you started to got more agitated, then you opened your eyes, you opened your mouth and I tried to talk to you but you could not hear me, I saw torment in your face, I then prayed over you and rebuked satan, I stroked your head and prayed in the name of Jesus and rebuked satan, then you settled down"
She did that for many many nights.
I know your pain gemmy, I know what ensnares us.
But now I know what and who releases us.
So much so that I was at the bedside of my foster dad when he was dying. He asked me to take care of his estate.
So much so that my mum who through me, we now have a loving relationship and praise God a mother brought up as a Muslim is now in Jesus.
Precious sister, there is hope in Jesus, in his name.
The enemy fear his name, they have as authority.
Claim it.
The thing is as well is unforgivness.
To forgive is to set the prisoner free, only to realise that prisoner is us.