Teen son with 26yo woman

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Miri

Senior Member
Jul 22, 2012
7,980
815
113
UK age 49
#21
LOL. The brain of a 17 yr old is not yet fully developed.

Just because they are in the "church" does not mean they are pure. There are far more pretenders than possessors in the "church".

For the cause of Christ
Roger

True although as Depleted said we can’t asume that. I’ve met many Godly
teens who are great role models. I’ve also met many Godly teens who go
off the rails when they discover the opposite sex.
 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
3,430
255
0
#22
Hey, I would appreciate some advice guys. My 17yo son has played in our churches worship band for 4 years. He spends alot of time with the other band members, all adults, and has developed good friendships with all of them. Over the last 6 months he has been spending alot more time with 2 other band members, going to lunch n dinner together. Lately the threesome has become a twosome, my son and a 26yo lady. I asked him today and he admitted they were dating but insisted they were not intimate and that God was in the center of their relationship. I'm in shock and am not sure how to respond. I'm concerned that a 26yo would want to have a relationship with a 17yo. No one at church knows, and I'm not sure if I want to talk to my pastor about it.
i have had a 17 yo son, and this situation would have concerned me, too.

just so you know you're not alone. :)
 

zanna123

Junior Member
Dec 16, 2017
6
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#23
Guess I should have mentioned he turned 17 last month.
 

jjconcern

Junior Member
Apr 24, 2017
1
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#24
One response to your post said that it would be different situation if he were 16 instead of 17. In the eyes of the law at 17 you are still a minor and the 26 yr old would be held liable if they were having an intimate relationship. We have become more aware of this due to media attention to female or male teachers being fired and prosecuted for sexual abuse (which isn't just defined as intercourse) when a student is under 18 years of age. I would speak to the two of them to let them know this information as well as the fact that it would bring their church into public scrutiny. I would let them know that if they don't stop or put their relationship on hold , until your son becomes 18 that you will need to let the pastor know what is happening. After he reaches 18 then I would let it go. It now becomes his decision. Is he still in high school? My best to you as you work through this difficult situation. Hugs and prayers.
 

joefizz

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2017
13,684
481
83
25
#25
LOL. The brain of a 17 yr old is not yet fully developed.

Just because they are in the "church" does not mean they are pure. There are far more pretenders than possessors in the "church".

For the cause of Christ
Roger
Actually that first part,"brain of a 17 year old is not fully developed" is a bit offensive because your "assuming alot" believe it or not some young adults just like some so called adults develop differently mentally particularly "responsibility wise",some 17 year olds are looking to just hook up,some are actually "considering a decent future" even some adults act more like "children" than teenagers because they like "throwing away responsibilty"such as behaviour like..."mooching off others" "throwing away money on a ridiculous scheme or worthless items" "having a child but caring ownly for themself" not every teen is mentally still learning at 17 nor is an adult at even 60 necessarily mentally fully developed,alot can depend on "discipline" and "what influences or values they've been taught.
Every situation can be "different" you can't just "assume" and tell someone "you can't do this or that" before finding out "what's going on in their head" because you may add fuel to the fire instead of putting out the relations.
My advice to the Op would be to talk some more with their 17 year old,and find out ultimately if he is "serious" about this woman because then a parent has "something to work with" because if he's "determined" then telling him to not see her would probably spark "rebellion" if on the other hand he is "not serious" about her and maybe just agreed to date her to "be nice"(it happens,never happened to me but some people are too nice to politely answer no),then the parent could have them to not date the woman or better yet if it's as unserious as that then he might not mind a "supervised date",though unfortunately none of this will help a parent find out the woman's intentions,but either way trying to keep things secret at church is most likely not going to work and have both individuals under scrutiny,better for a parent to "be included" information wise or on the date than for it to come out in church and everything become a total mess.
And anyways there is no reason for them to "date so soon" I mean after all he's close to a legal adult age and both of them are part of a church if "she" likes him then she ought to be able to "wait" another year or so to "date him legally" I mean if she can't wait out a year then she's just a sleaze,and never really "cared for him".
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,944
768
113
#26
Just for some reference, on this age difference, as someone pointed out, we have very different standards for judging who are children and who are not, than even 100 years ago.

My grandmother married at 16, my grandfather was 29. He was just off the boat from a war torn Europe, with no money. My grandmother was the oldest of 10 children, had to pull the plough herself on the farm, and didn't get to go to school, at all, ever because they needed her to babysit, clean and, of course, pull the plough. That's what people did in those days.

She was delighted to get off the farm, my grandfather was educated, and hard working. They had 6 children, made loads of money, doing various things requiring hard work. In fact, that only downside was that my grandfather died a few days short of their 50th wedding anniversary. She mourned him the rest of her life. That is why an age gap, especially where the man is older, can be sometimes not a good thing. Because, men simply don't live as long as women.

But it was a good marriage, and they were very happy together. Thirteen years is a long time, especially when the bride is a young teenager, but I guess all that hard work prepared my grandmother for marriage young! Maybe more kids need to be exposed to hard work, a lot younger? (Not saying this is the case of the OP)

If it was my daughter, I would be freaked out. My youngest son married a woman 4 years older than himself, and they met while he was still a teen. Not a 9 year gap, but it seemed like a big enough gap at the time, so I understand the OP is understandably concerned. I hope you work out the issue to everyone's satisfaction.
 

zanna123

Junior Member
Dec 16, 2017
6
1
0
#27
I should have mentioned my son turned 17 last month, so was 16 when they started spending more time together.

Thank you everyone, it's really nice to get so many perspectives to consider. Now that I have calmed down, my husband and I have decided to talk to the two of them to determine exactly where they stand and what their expectations are. We will also set boundaries and reinforce their responsibility as worship leaders. I'm truly grateful for all of you.
 

joefizz

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2017
13,684
481
83
25
#28
I should have mentioned my son turned 17 last month, so was 16 when they started spending more time together.

Thank you everyone, it's really nice to get so many perspectives to consider. Now that I have calmed down, my husband and I have decided to talk to the two of them to determine exactly where they stand and what their expectations are. We will also set boundaries and reinforce their responsibility as worship leaders. I'm truly grateful for all of you.
Glad that you brought this matter here and found an answer!
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
11,804
593
113
#29
Actually that first part,"brain of a 17 year old is not fully developed" is a bit offensive because your "assuming alot" believe it or not some young adults just like some so called adults develop differently mentally particularly "responsibility wise",some 17 year olds are looking to just hook up,some are actually "considering a decent future" even some adults act more like "children" than teenagers because they like "throwing away responsibilty"such as behaviour like..."mooching off others" "throwing away money on a ridiculous scheme or worthless items" "having a child but caring ownly for themself" not every teen is mentally still learning at 17 nor is an adult at even 60 necessarily mentally fully developed,alot can depend on "discipline" and "what influences or values they've been taught.
Every situation can be "different" you can't just "assume" and tell someone "you can't do this or that" before finding out "what's going on in their head" because you may add fuel to the fire instead of putting out the relations.
My advice to the Op would be to talk some more with their 17 year old,and find out ultimately if he is "serious" about this woman because then a parent has "something to work with" because if he's "determined" then telling him to not see her would probably spark "rebellion" if on the other hand he is "not serious" about her and maybe just agreed to date her to "be nice"(it happens,never happened to me but some people are too nice to politely answer no),then the parent could have them to not date the woman or better yet if it's as unserious as that then he might not mind a "supervised date",though unfortunately none of this will help a parent find out the woman's intentions,but either way trying to keep things secret at church is most likely not going to work and have both individuals under scrutiny,better for a parent to "be included" information wise or on the date than for it to come out in church and everything become a total mess.
And anyways there is no reason for them to "date so soon" I mean after all he's close to a legal adult age and both of them are part of a church if "she" likes him then she ought to be able to "wait" another year or so to "date him legally" I mean if she can't wait out a year then she's just a sleaze,and never really "cared for him".
LOL According to medical science the brain is not fully developed until about your age especially in males. Females it's about three years earlier. According to my wife the male brain never fully develops. My experience of course sees the female brain in those terms.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#30
I understand your concern for the welfare of your son but he s reaching the point where he can decide for himself what he wants to do. Of course, as long as he lives under your roof and you provide for his needs then it must be expected that he will abide by the rules you set down and wisely consider also any guidance you provide.

17 year guy, 26 year old girl, probably not going to end well but that's his choice. Some people learn the hard way. I guess he got tired of being strictly a choir boy and wants to have a little fun. Understandable but still disconcerting. I'm reasonably certain that God is not in the center of the relationship but that their relationship centers around sex. Hopefully, he is using protection to avoid unwanted pregnancy. My best guess is the he is not.
Really? If you raised your kids up in the Lord, you'd still think they were having sex in their teens?

In our generation most kids weren't having sex for the simple reason that we knew what our parents would do if the girl got pregnant. We're on our own and raising the kid as kids ourselves. We got the implications, and therefore skipped sex.

Nowadays it's assumed anyone in puberty onward cannot control themselves. And that has become part of the Christian church? Not the teens I know.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#31
LOL. The brain of a 17 yr old is not yet fully developed.

Just because they are in the "church" does not mean they are pure. There are far more pretenders than possessors in the "church".

For the cause of Christ
Roger
Yup. Teens. Merely unthinking animals incapable of any control.

I'm hearing world-talk -- Darwinian drivel -- not Christ.
 

joefizz

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2017
13,684
481
83
25
#32
LOL According to medical science the brain is not fully developed until about your age especially in males. Females it's about three years earlier. According to my wife the male brain never fully develops. My experience of course sees the female brain in those terms.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
Wait wait,science is to be consulted for counseling?
How many times has science been uh what's the word...? oh yeah "Wrong",no thank you lol,though that would be a hilarious conversation asking scientists about relationships and what's "age appropriate" then about ten years later the problem is solved already while they still speculate lol.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#33
I agree completely, we can’t assume the relationship is currently sexual. :)

But the issues of “their church”knowingly allowing a relationship between a 17 year old
and a 26 year old in high profile positions could be a problem. Someone at least needs
to be aware of it, giving guidance on the matter or ... how can I put this..... making them
aware of their responsibilities and being caring enough give them some guidance deflecting
any problems, both for them and the church.

Who knows in a few years it might turn out that they are both right for each other, equally
it could be a complete disaster. Even worse it could be a complete disaster with a baby on
the way. Then people will ask why did the church not say anything.

If they are rignt for each other what’s wrong with waiting just a while and just being
friendly.

Maybe my concept of dating is incorrect as it’s not really a common phrase over here.
But I get the impression dating is like sampling the candy in the shop until you
decide which is your favourite, then pushing the boundaries further to be sure?

Im thinking as well that a 17 year old will have very different life experience and
emotional experience and wisdom, to a 26 year old. Although granted there can be some
very worldly wise 17 years olds and some very naive 26 year olds. :)

As you say the age difference would not be such an issue if they were older.
Dating -- going out to dinner, seeing a movie together, talking long talks under the stars, (or inside when it's too cold to stay outside lol), meeting up with friends, having coffee (or soda), and telling how the world could be fixed, going to a concert, ice skating, roller skating, telling life stories. Dating.

I would want it to be casual until he's 18, but at 18 the only other thing I could do was reiterate what happens "while you're living under my roof."

And, I can't imagine church needing to say anything, because that's the parent's job.

If Mr. and Mrs. Zanna say no to the relationship, then it's over until he's 18. The only thing I'd be clear about as a church member is, "Oh, btw, I too know you're not supposed to be dating her/him, so nope. No affection in front of me or anyone else in church. And, if you're caught, there will be a call to his parents."

Of course, the kids in church knew this without having to say it, so a look would say it all. And given that means 50-150 people could see them at any time, any where in town, they'd catch on to either stop it, or hide better.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#34
Guess I should have mentioned he turned 17 last month.
Whoops. That changes everything. Yup. I'd talk to him and call it off for a year. And, if he gave any hint of maybe disagreeing when we're not looking, I'd call her to let her know too.

And, I'd be likely to use the phrases "prosecution" and "statutory rape" when talking to her, so she'd get how serious I am.

Sorry, but really thought he'd be turning 18 within the next 1-4 months. And considering how often teenagers don't often keep relationships for more than 4-5 months, I also assumed this would either fade away or only get serious when he was an adult.

I am Mama Bear, however, I thought the cub was older. About ready to leave the den.
:eek:
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#35
I should have mentioned my son turned 17 last month, so was 16 when they started spending more time together.

Thank you everyone, it's really nice to get so many perspectives to consider. Now that I have calmed down, my husband and I have decided to talk to the two of them to determine exactly where they stand and what their expectations are. We will also set boundaries and reinforce their responsibility as worship leaders. I'm truly grateful for all of you.
Well, now. How about that? You've calmed down right after I got riled up! lol

Must me that momma gene working in you. You've got a intelligent, reasonable, godly plan there.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,423
410
83
#36
Whoops. That changes everything. Yup. I'd talk to him and call it off for a year. And, if he gave any hint of maybe disagreeing when we're not looking, I'd call her to let her know too.

And, I'd be likely to use the phrases "prosecution" and "statutory rape" when talking to her, so she'd get how serious I am.

Sorry, but really thought he'd be turning 18 within the next 1-4 months. And considering how often teenagers don't often keep relationships for more than 4-5 months, I also assumed this would either fade away or only get serious when he was an adult.

I am Mama Bear, however, I thought the cub was older. About ready to leave the den.
:eek:
I don't know if it's still all that bad. I met my ex wife when she was a month into being 17, I was in my 20s. We got a couple of good kids out of it.
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
11,804
593
113
#37
Wait wait,science is to be consulted for counseling?
How many times has science been uh what's the word...? oh yeah "Wrong",no thank you lol,though that would be a hilarious conversation asking scientists about relationships and what's "age appropriate" then about ten years later the problem is solved already while they still speculate lol.
Science is not wholly without merit. Certain human behaviors are well documented and their study does not conflict with biblical doctrine.

My son married a younger woman by 14 years. She was 26 and I was not consulted on the matter. His somewhat joking reason for marrying a younger woman was so he could die first. She was not impressed.

I wish these folks well but there is a very limited likelihood that things will turn out as expected.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

Huckleberry

Senior Member
Aug 25, 2013
1,634
53
48
#38
This is you as a parent reaping what you've sown.
You belong to a liberal, worldly church.
You allowed your 13-year-old son to participate
in a "worship band" with adults, including women.
A "worship band" is essentially a wolf-in-sheep's-clothing rock band.
Rock bands fornicate, get tattooed, and do drugs.
So you blew it with this kid, but if you have younger ones,
it's not too late to disassociate yourself from this "church
in Pergamos" and seek out a "church in Philadelphia".
 

All2u

Junior Member
Nov 22, 2017
2
0
0
#39
This is you as a parent reaping what you've sown.
You belong to a liberal, worldly church.
You allowed your 13-year-old son to participate
in a "worship band" with adults, including women.
A "worship band" is essentially a wolf-in-sheep's-clothing rock band.
Rock bands fornicate, get tattooed, and do drugs.
So you blew it with this kid, but if you have younger ones,
it's not too late to disassociate yourself from this "church
in Pergamos" and seek out a "church in Philadelphia".
I am thinking "worship band" and "worship team" might be used interchangeably in the context of the first post. Nevertheless, this kind of shaming prevents people reaching out and seeking support. Perhaps the person may consider leaving this church or not, but saying someone blew it with their child is harsh.
 
Sep 14, 2017
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#40
Hey, I would appreciate some advice guys. My 17yo son has played in our churches worship band for 4 years. He spends alot of time with the other band members, all adults, and has developed good friendships with all of them. Over the last 6 months he has been spending alot more time with 2 other band members, going to lunch n dinner together. Lately the threesome has become a twosome, my son and a 26yo lady. I asked him today and he admitted they were dating but insisted they were not intimate and that God was in the center of their relationship. I'm in shock and am not sure how to respond. I'm concerned that a 26yo would want to have a relationship with a 17yo. No one at church knows, and I'm not sure if I want to talk to my pastor about it.
I must say, I can't believe some of the answers I'm reading about this couple.

Lemme break this down so we can get a better view.

1. Worship band. It's a well- known fact that church choirs have their problems with adultery, let alone a "worship team", or especially a "worship band". "Band" speaks of a more liberal worship approach, and with that, a lesser spiritual maturity level. I know that sounds judgmental, but that's the usual. I've sang in a
youth choir & a worship team, & I've seen it.

2. This son has probably been dating this full grown woman since he was 16. Which generally speaking means:

  • The woman is lonely
  • The 17 yr old is immature for such a relationship. 17yr old girls are usually more mature, & most of them can't handle such a relationship nowadays.
  • Did I mention he's 17? An immature mind with hormones raging, with the libido of a jackrabbit. Somebody explain to me how they're NOT having sex!
  • They want it kept hidden because they've known what they've done. Yeah, to them it looks real bad.

3. Then there's the 3 friend dinners/suppers. It's quite common to have a third person around to throw off suspicion of a real relationship happening. After a while the 3rd person leaves because they're comfortable thinking no one suspects a thing.

Sorry to break the news to you, but you've been had.

Now, about not telling anyone. That idea's messed up from the floor up. The pastor should have been notified as soon as you found out. Why didn't you ask HIM what to do instead of coming to a chat site to ask complete strangers?

My advice to you is to break this up before she's pregnant & the church is damaged because of the sins committed.
It's as easy as calling the police & saying this woman has been dating my son behind our backs. They will "check it out", scaring the woman away for good.

Time's running out...
 
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