Teen son with 26yo woman

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zanna123

Junior Member
Dec 16, 2017
6
1
0
#1
Hey, I would appreciate some advice guys. My 17yo son has played in our churches worship band for 4 years. He spends alot of time with the other band members, all adults, and has developed good friendships with all of them. Over the last 6 months he has been spending alot more time with 2 other band members, going to lunch n dinner together. Lately the threesome has become a twosome, my son and a 26yo lady. I asked him today and he admitted they were dating but insisted they were not intimate and that God was in the center of their relationship. I'm in shock and am not sure how to respond. I'm concerned that a 26yo would want to have a relationship with a 17yo. No one at church knows, and I'm not sure if I want to talk to my pastor about it.
 

Miri

Senior Member
Jul 22, 2012
8,069
936
113
UK age 50
#2
Maybe have a word with the lady and your son together and explain you are
concerned due to how young your son is. You don’t mind them being friends
but are concerned about it being more than that and you don’t think it’s appropriate.

To be honest I think I would be concerned about a 17 year old dating a 26
year old. If he was a “grown up” and there was a 9 year age gap it wouldn’t be
a problem but at 17 he is still becoming a man.

If it was the other way around a 17 year old girl dating a 26 year old man, it
would be seen to be wrong by everyone. They would assume the man was
taking advantage.

The other thing you could do if they won’t listen, is to have a word with the worship
team leader, assuming they are in a leadership role in the church, rather than just
leader in name only. A good worship team leader will be one who wants to keep
good relations in the group but who is also concerned about the spiritual growth
of their team and will want to nurture the young people in the team.

I was in the worship team of my church for 10 years and played the saxophone.
One young man who was almost 20 years younger than me, in his early 20s,
took a bit of a shine to me and started sending me valentines cards. I knew it
was him but I just kept things friendly and causal and ignored anything else,
for both our sakes and the good repute of the worship team.

Eventually the shine wore off and he found a young lady his own age! Lol

When you are up their on that platform leading the church in worship,
you have to be worthy of that role and not bring the church or team into
bad repute.

Incidentally we have a youth church and a youth worship team which caters
for their needs. The younger people are not allowed to join the main adult worship
team until they are at least 18 and have reached a certain level of both physical
and spiritual maturity. In the meantime the youth worship team allows them
to grow in both.
 
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zanna123

Junior Member
Dec 16, 2017
6
1
0
#3
Thanks for your advice! I know me and my husband need to talk to them, just not sure what to say yet. I would also like to talk to our worship leader but my son doesn't want anyone to know. Maybe we should all talk with the worship leader. My husband has discussed with our son the possible reprecutions an inappropriate relationship could have on church members and visitors.
 

Miri

Senior Member
Jul 22, 2012
8,069
936
113
UK age 50
#5
If it was all legit they wouldn’t be bothered
about keeping it quiet. Quietness probably
means they both know it’s not really right and
it would raise a few eyebrows.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
5,686
490
83
Germany
#7
I would talk with both of them. See the way the woman is and stuff. Keep an eye on it. U never know if its gonna go well or not but you can make sure they know you care and want the besz for your son and if something goes wrong your there.
I agree that 17 is no child anymore. Age isnt so much a deal anymore as people have to grow up quicker and do that in all ways against before.
Wish u the best and hope and pray all will work out fine.
 
Dec 17, 2017
5
0
0
#8
Miri is 100% correct - keeping something under wraps is usually a good indicator something isn't right.

I will say that this situation is far from uncommon in churches nowadays - a significant age gap where the woman is the elder. With men being a rare breed in church, finding a dedicated one (which your son obviously is, being on the worship team) is like finding a left-handed unicorn. Meld that with the shared interest of music, I can understand her side of the matter. It would be wise to approach them, but asking another pastor you know and respect might be a good idea as well, keeping the matter in the hypothetical - they may have seen it before and might have some valuable insight.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#9
Hey, I would appreciate some advice guys. My 17yo son has played in our churches worship band for 4 years. He spends alot of time with the other band members, all adults, and has developed good friendships with all of them. Over the last 6 months he has been spending alot more time with 2 other band members, going to lunch n dinner together. Lately the threesome has become a twosome, my son and a 26yo lady. I asked him today and he admitted they were dating but insisted they were not intimate and that God was in the center of their relationship. I'm in shock and am not sure how to respond. I'm concerned that a 26yo would want to have a relationship with a 17yo. No one at church knows, and I'm not sure if I want to talk to my pastor about it.
What if he was 18 and she was 27?

What if he was 22 and she was 31?

What he was 26 and she was 17?

What if he was 27, and she was 18?

If you have a problem with these what ifs, then it really is a problem. If you don't, then they're just dating. You say he's 17. Are you expecting him to get married on his 18th birthday?

And, I do get the freak out. My seventh grade science teacher was my husband's BIL that same year. (Hubby was married before.) That still freaks me out, BUT we didn't meet until I was 23 and he was 32. We married when I was 24 and he was 33. He's now 70 and I'm 61. Suddenly, we're not that different in age. lol

Does that freak you out? Yeah, age just doesn't matter the older we get, and since your son will be 18 before this gets terribly serious, (if it gets terribly serious), try not to panic yet. How many relationships has he had so far?

Breathe. Breathe. My poor dad went through a few "Oh, man! Please don't let her marry him" freaks, before I met hubby. Funny thing, he didn't even know I had no plans of ever marrying until I did meet hubby.

Breathe. You're going through something the vast majority of parents go through when they have teens and 20-something year olds. It's like a gallstone, "This too will pass," even if the passing causes pain. You'll make it through this. After all, your parents made it through your dating years. lol
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#11
If it was all legit they wouldn’t be bothered
about keeping it quiet. Quietness probably
means they both know it’s not really right and
it would raise a few eyebrows.
Sure they would. You just said why. Everyone thinks it's inappropriate. (And I would think it is inappropriate if he were just one year younger, but if you're old enough to join the military, you're old enough to date whoever you want. He could be 18 by the end of this year for all we know.)

Same thing happened with hubby and me. We're still deciding about each other, but if we said anything to anyone else everyone would be telling us what's wrong. It didn't take us long to figure out it wasn't wrong, but even after that people were still trying to set us up with others.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#12
I would talk with both of them. See the way the woman is and stuff. Keep an eye on it. U never know if its gonna go well or not but you can make sure they know you care and want the besz for your son and if something goes wrong your there.
I agree that 17 is no child anymore. Age isnt so much a deal anymore as people have to grow up quicker and do that in all ways against before.
Wish u the best and hope and pray all will work out fine.
Actually, teens are usually considered children longer now than back when I was a teen. And much longer than when hubby was a teen.

John Quincy Adams was an ambassador to the Netherlands when he was 14. (18th century.)

Hubby was fueling jets on an aircraft carrier when he was 17, and married when he was 18.

In my day, any woman who was 22 or older and not married was an old maid.

And now society has assumed that no one should be married before they're 30. They should be "enjoying their youth."

35 is when to start having babies.

And the young people are buying this quite often.

This is what society teaches us. I give room for Christians sticking closer to God's word over society values.
 

Miri

Senior Member
Jul 22, 2012
8,069
936
113
UK age 50
#13
I think they have to be especially careful with them both been in
the worship team. They are both on display and representing the church.

That, along with the age of the son makes it tricky. If he was a couple of years
older it wouldn’t be so difficult.

That been said anyone who is so visibly representing the church of any age.
Has to be beyond reproach as their actions could be a big turn off to non believers
and those weak in their faith.

In my church you cannot be in the adult worship team until age 18 and you also
have to be a church member, which brings you within the accountability of church
discipline.
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
3,749
643
113
Florida
#14
Hey, I would appreciate some advice guys. My 17yo son has played in our churches worship band for 4 years. He spends alot of time with the other band members, all adults, and has developed good friendships with all of them. Over the last 6 months he has been spending alot more time with 2 other band members, going to lunch n dinner together. Lately the threesome has become a twosome, my son and a 26yo lady. I asked him today and he admitted they were dating but insisted they were not intimate and that God was in the center of their relationship. I'm in shock and am not sure how to respond. I'm concerned that a 26yo would want to have a relationship with a 17yo. No one at church knows, and I'm not sure if I want to talk to my pastor about it.

I agree

perhaps quoting that age difference in people over a certain age would not raise that many eyebrows, but a 17 yr old male and a 26 yr old woman?

I would talk to the pastor. perhaps all concerned.

I realize this goes against what some are saying here, but I'm fine with that. would not be fine with my 17 yr old son and a 26 yr old woman 'dating'
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
12,183
798
113
#15
There have been numerous news reports of women in this age group being arrested and incarcerated for relationships of this type that go to their natural conclusion. School teachers are seducing their students with frightening regularity.

Lu 17:28 Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded;

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#16
I think they have to be especially careful with them both been in
the worship team. They are both on display and representing the church.

That, along with the age of the son makes it tricky. If he was a couple of years
older it wouldn’t be so difficult.

That been said anyone who is so visibly representing the church of any age.
Has to be beyond reproach as their actions could be a big turn off to non believers
and those weak in their faith.

In my church you cannot be in the adult worship team until age 18 and you also
have to be a church member, which brings you within the accountability of church
discipline.
80% of the time, in the US, someone who is 17 during the Christmas holiday will be a senior in high school, graduating in half a year, and they'll be 18 when they graduate. If this son is only a junior, that tells me he's closer to 16 than 17. That would make me hit "reproach."

But they really are dating, not having sex, and there is an assumption they're both Christians, so sex should be off the table throughout dating.

So what reproach? It really sounds like the assumption is they are having sex. Rather a sad statement to think, assuming both are Christians.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#17
There have been numerous news reports of women in this age group being arrested and incarcerated for relationships of this type that go to their natural conclusion. School teachers are seducing their students with frightening regularity.

Lu 17:28 Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded;

For the cause of Christ
Roger
That's because that's called "sexual harassment in the work place." Any time someone holds sway over another, (usually a matter of being fired, if the worker does not obliged, but the same thing, since grades can be affected in a teacher student relationship), it can be seen as possible blackmail. That's why it is called "harassment."

And as for your scripture reference? Shame on you for assuming fellow Christians are acting like it's the days of Lot. Just because your mind heads for the gutter doesn't mean these two Christians minds are in the gutter.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,649
2,120
113
63
Florida
#18
Hey, I would appreciate some advice guys. My 17yo son has played in our churches worship band for 4 years. He spends alot of time with the other band members, all adults, and has developed good friendships with all of them. Over the last 6 months he has been spending alot more time with 2 other band members, going to lunch n dinner together. Lately the threesome has become a twosome, my son and a 26yo lady. I asked him today and he admitted they were dating but insisted they were not intimate and that God was in the center of their relationship. I'm in shock and am not sure how to respond. I'm concerned that a 26yo would want to have a relationship with a 17yo. No one at church knows, and I'm not sure if I want to talk to my pastor about it.
I understand your concern for the welfare of your son but he s reaching the point where he can decide for himself what he wants to do. Of course, as long as he lives under your roof and you provide for his needs then it must be expected that he will abide by the rules you set down and wisely consider also any guidance you provide.

17 year guy, 26 year old girl, probably not going to end well but that's his choice. Some people learn the hard way. I guess he got tired of being strictly a choir boy and wants to have a little fun. Understandable but still disconcerting. I'm reasonably certain that God is not in the center of the relationship but that their relationship centers around sex. Hopefully, he is using protection to avoid unwanted pregnancy. My best guess is the he is not.
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
12,183
798
113
#19
That's because that's called "sexual harassment in the work place." Any time someone holds sway over another, (usually a matter of being fired, if the worker does not obliged, but the same thing, since grades can be affected in a teacher student relationship), it can be seen as possible blackmail. That's why it is called "harassment."

And as for your scripture reference? Shame on you for assuming fellow Christians are acting like it's the days of Lot. Just because your mind heads for the gutter doesn't mean these two Christians minds are in the gutter.
LOL. The brain of a 17 yr old is not yet fully developed.

Just because they are in the "church" does not mean they are pure. There are far more pretenders than possessors in the "church".

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

Miri

Senior Member
Jul 22, 2012
8,069
936
113
UK age 50
#20
80% of the time, in the US, someone who is 17 during the Christmas holiday will be a senior in high school, graduating in half a year, and they'll be 18 when they graduate. If this son is only a junior, that tells me he's closer to 16 than 17. That would make me hit "reproach."

But they really are dating, not having sex, and there is an assumption they're both Christians, so sex should be off the table throughout dating.

So what reproach? It really sounds like the assumption is they are having sex. Rather a sad statement to think, assuming both are Christians.
I agree completely, we can’t assume the relationship is currently sexual. :)

But the issues of “their church”knowingly allowing a relationship between a 17 year old
and a 26 year old in high profile positions could be a problem. Someone at least needs
to be aware of it, giving guidance on the matter or ... how can I put this..... making them
aware of their responsibilities and being caring enough give them some guidance deflecting
any problems, both for them and the church.

Who knows in a few years it might turn out that they are both right for each other, equally
it could be a complete disaster. Even worse it could be a complete disaster with a baby on
the way. Then people will ask why did the church not say anything.

If they are rignt for each other what’s wrong with waiting just a while and just being
friendly.

Maybe my concept of dating is incorrect as it’s not really a common phrase over here.
But I get the impression dating is like sampling the candy in the shop until you
decide which is your favourite, then pushing the boundaries further to be sure?

Im thinking as well that a 17 year old will have very different life experience and
emotional experience and wisdom, to a 26 year old. Although granted there can be some
very worldly wise 17 years olds and some very naive 26 year olds. :)

As you say the age difference would not be such an issue if they were older.