Teen son with 26yo woman

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MarcR

Senior Member
Feb 12, 2015
5,486
173
0
#61
Hey, I would appreciate some advice guys. My 17yo son has played in our churches worship band for 4 years. He spends alot of time with the other band members, all adults, and has developed good friendships with all of them. Over the last 6 months he has been spending alot more time with 2 other band members, going to lunch n dinner together. Lately the threesome has become a twosome, my son and a 26yo lady. I asked him today and he admitted they were dating but insisted they were not intimate and that God was in the center of their relationship. I'm in shock and am not sure how to respond. I'm concerned that a 26yo would want to have a relationship with a 17yo. No one at church knows, and I'm not sure if I want to talk to my pastor about it.
Maybe have a word with the lady and your son together and explain you are
concerned due to how young your son is. You don’t mind them being friends
but are concerned about it being more than that and you don’t think it’s appropriate.

To be honest I think I would be concerned about a 17 year old dating a 26
year old. If he was a “grown up” and there was a 9 year age gap it wouldn’t be
a problem but at 17 he is still becoming a man.

If it was the other way around a 17 year old girl dating a 26 year old man, it
would be seen to be wrong by everyone. They would assume the man was
taking advantage.




The other thing you could do if they won’t listen, is to have a word with the worship
team leader, assuming they are in a leadership role in the church, rather than just
leader in name only. A good worship team leader will be one who wants to keep
good relations in the group but who is also concerned about the spiritual growth
of their team and will want to nurture the young people in the team.

I was in the worship team of my church for 10 years and played the saxophone.
One young man who was almost 20 years younger than me, in his early 20s,
took a bit of a shine to me and started sending me valentines cards. I knew it
was him but I just kept things friendly and causal and ignored anything else,
for both our sakes and the good repute of the worship team.

Eventually the shine wore off and he found a young lady his own age! Lol

When you are up their on that platform leading the church in worship,
you have to be worthy of that role and not bring the church or team into
bad repute.

Incidentally we have a youth church and a youth worship team which caters
for their needs. The younger people are not allowed to join the main adult worship
team until they are at least 18 and have reached a certain level of both physical
and spiritual maturity. In the meantime the youth worship team allows them
to grow in both.
If they are indeed not sexually intimate, what is the problem. They obviously have a shared interest in music, and they may have discovered other shared interests. He is months away from being legally adult. By the time he is twenty any age difference will loose all significance. If he is mature for his age and she is not; they may well form a romantic attachment; and it may work out well for them both if they make a sincere commitment to each other.
 

HeraldtheNews

Active member
Apr 26, 2012
924
26
28
60
#62
Sure they would. You just said why. Everyone thinks it's inappropriate. (And I would think it is inappropriate if he were just one year younger, but if you're old enough to join the military, you're old enough to date whoever you want. He could be 18 by the end of this year for all we know.)

Well, there are a lot of unknowns here, at least reading up to here, which is as far as I'm going to read. There are boundary issues to consider, such as if the lady musician/singer is in a position of authority in the church, especially over the son. Is she a teacher? Is she a professional lady with a college degree? Is she military? Is she a simple gal from a country church who works at Mcdonald's? Is she a high school grad? Is she mature for her age? Is she immature for her age? What is her age of emotional maturity? There could be hidden issues, such as maybe issues in her family's past, or maybe the son is mature for his age? I tend to agree with this poster, up to a point, but just because someone is old enough for boot camp,
may not mean they are mature enough for such a relationship.
The lady's morality and character could be an issue, but, it sounds like they are taking the high ground.

I think what caught my eye, was that my father left me alone at a hotel once when I was a socially clueless 13 or 14 year old. The only other person to socialize with was a much older girl alone on vacation who liked to lounge around the pool all day floating on an air mattress. This was a much different situation than a high school aged male student and a 26 year old musician peer. But, it turned out to be a positive memory of a first girl friend. It definitely would not have been the same if roles were reversed.

I would just let it coast for a few weeks, and let the two musicians test the waters on their own, and see if they will seek out an independent pastor at another church or someone else for counseling. If they find true love, then 9 years apart is not scandalous, as long as she is not taking advantage of his immaturity, if that is an issue, or his age. It might depend on what attracts them. His stature might be an issue also--his height, etc... Does she sees him as a man of God? Or does she see him as a teen? If they are attracted by mutual Christian love, then it might go well--
Then again, you might want to consider the movie, "First Knight."

"All things work together for good, for those who love God, and are called according to His purpose..." (Romans 8:28)

Here is a discussion from another forum on the subject:

"I recently developed this strong freaking feelings for this woman at church who is 9 years older than me. It's annoying because I have a million reasons not to ask her out" (person asking question)

Three answers:

"Your P.S. is the key issue, not the 9 year age difference, though that will come into play at some point if you choose to pursue this woman.
You're a bull in a china shop--tread very carefully here. Start slow with group gatherings (Bible studies, church group outings, etc.) and find out what you can about her. A woman 9 years older than you may have complications in her life that prohibit the relationship you are looking for. Get to know this lady as a person before asking her out. Use the group outings to strike up conversations afterwards. When/if it feels right, ask her out for coffee or perhaps lunch after church.
I'm guessing you're in the 18-25 demographic. Nine years is pretty huge gap, but not insurmountable. If nothing else, you will gain wisdom and patience from this experience (if you do it right)."

"You're both adults. If you're both compatible, then there is no issue. A nine year age gap is no big deal.
I happen to know more than a few married couples that have slightly larger age gaps and they seemed to have happy marriages."
 

Huckleberry

Senior Member
Aug 25, 2013
1,634
53
48
#63
Well, there are a lot of unknowns here, at least reading up to here, which is as far as I'm going to read. There are boundary issues to consider, such as if the lady musician/singer is in a position of authority in the church, especially over the son. Is she a teacher? Is she a professional lady with a college degree? Is she military? Is she a simple gal from a country church who works at Mcdonald's? Is she a high school grad? Is she mature for her age? Is she immature for her age? What is her age of emotional maturity? There could be hidden issues, such as maybe issues in her family's past, or maybe the son is mature for his age? I tend to agree with this poster, up to a point, but just because someone is old enough for boot camp,
may not mean they are mature enough for such a relationship.
The lady's morality and character could be an issue, but, it sounds like they are taking the high ground.

I think what caught my eye, was that my father left me alone at a hotel once when I was a socially clueless 13 or 14 year old. The only other person to socialize with was a much older girl alone on vacation who liked to lounge around the pool all day floating on an air mattress. This was a much different situation than a high school aged male student and a 26 year old musician peer. But, it turned out to be a positive memory of a first girl friend. It definitely would not have been the same if roles were reversed.

I would just let it coast for a few weeks, and let the two musicians test the waters on their own, and see if they will seek out an independent pastor at another church or someone else for counseling. If they find true love, then 9 years apart is not scandalous, as long as she is not taking advantage of his immaturity, if that is an issue, or his age. It might depend on what attracts them. His stature might be an issue also--his height, etc... Does she sees him as a man of God? Or does she see him as a teen? If they are attracted by mutual Christian love, then it might go well--
Then again, you might want to consider the movie, "First Knight."

"All things work together for good, for those who love God, and are called according to His purpose..." (Romans 8:28)

Here is a discussion from another forum on the subject:

"I recently developed this strong freaking feelings for this woman at church who is 9 years older than me. It's annoying because I have a million reasons not to ask her out" (person asking question)

Three answers:

"Your P.S. is the key issue, not the 9 year age difference, though that will come into play at some point if you choose to pursue this woman.
You're a bull in a china shop--tread very carefully here. Start slow with group gatherings (Bible studies, church group outings, etc.) and find out what you can about her. A woman 9 years older than you may have complications in her life that prohibit the relationship you are looking for. Get to know this lady as a person before asking her out. Use the group outings to strike up conversations afterwards. When/if it feels right, ask her out for coffee or perhaps lunch after church.
I'm guessing you're in the 18-25 demographic. Nine years is pretty huge gap, but not insurmountable. If nothing else, you will gain wisdom and patience from this experience (if you do it right)."

"You're both adults. If you're both compatible, then there is no issue. A nine year age gap is no big deal.
I happen to know more than a few married couples that have slightly larger age gaps and they seemed to have happy marriages."
You sure took up a lot of space for such a completely worthless contribution.
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,607
426
83
#64
let me see, I'm trying to find where exactly in the Bible, which I have read numerous times,
where there is a separation between 'ages' and God's will for whom He decides to put together???
 

HeraldtheNews

Active member
Apr 26, 2012
924
26
28
60
#65
hey bro-- I appreciate honesty, and I laughed when i read your short post, my first laugh of 2018. But, I don't see how this is a "completely worthless contribution." Lot's of people here agree with this, that an age difference of 9 years is not scandalous if they are in love and are taking the high ground and seeking God's will. It depends on how mature and how much of a man, the 17 year old is. He might not consider his love for a fellow musician to be "completely worthless."

Like MarcR here agrees: you didn't attack him, just me--everyone only hates just me... I think it's because I'm right here--

"If they are indeed not sexually intimate, what is the problem. They obviously have a shared interest in music, and they may have discovered other shared interests. He is months away from being legally adult. By the time he is twenty any age difference will loose all significance. If he is mature for his age and she is not; they may well form a romantic attachment; and it may work out well for them both if they make a sincere commitment to each other." --MarcR above post
 
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FenceMan

Guest
#66
Miri is 100% correct - keeping something under wraps is usually a good indicator something isn't right.

I will say that this situation is far from uncommon in churches nowadays - a significant age gap where the woman is the elder. With men being a rare breed in church, finding a dedicated one (which your son obviously is, being on the worship team) is like finding a left-handed unicorn. Meld that with the shared interest of music, I can understand her side of the matter. It would be wise to approach them, but asking another pastor you know and respect might be a good idea as well, keeping the matter in the hypothetical - they may have seen it before and might have some valuable insight.
Wow. I guess I just learned I'm a left-handed unicorn... Not sure how I feel about that!

I think there are always more women than men at most churches, but I honestly don't think men are so rare at every church. I can think of many single, widowed, divorced, and family men at my church of all ages who are very dedicated to the Word. But then, maybe my church is an anomaly...
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,607
426
83
#67
You sure took up a lot of space for such a completely worthless contribution.
============================================

this was very unkind of you Huck, I would have thought better of you, saying such a thing...
 

Meggie

Junior Member
Jan 6, 2018
4
0
0
#68
Interesting dilemma. I guess I feel like there's an appropriate level of age difference and that line shouldn't be crossed. The man I thought was "the one", was sleeping w a 21 yr old waitress from his work. He's 58. All I can say is EWWWWWW! He has a 37 year old daughter. We were together for 4 years and he was very busy. I had no idea. It's taken me a long time to get over it. I still will never agree w his decision and feel that he is morally bankrupt, but I have accepted it and moved forward w my life.
Your son sounds like he is a good boy. But alas, he is still a BOY. Easily led astray. The flesh is a powerful draw to a healthy young man. I think your Pastor could be of great help in situations like this. I know mine would be. Reach out and ask for guidance.
I will pray for you and your boy. Blessings
 

Meggie

Junior Member
Jan 6, 2018
4
0
0
#69
There's nothing worthless here if it's contributory. Amen.