Why do marriages fail?

[Solemateleft]

Isn't it ironic that there was a much lower divorce rate before marriage counseling became common, before 'Christian counseling', etc.

I had an interesting conversation with a cross-cultural psychologist. He said that in Asia, therapy, individual psychological counseling, etc. was nearly unheard of. A lot of extended families lived together and the older ones would give younger ones advice. A young newly married man comes home late after work, and his uncle tells him he is married now and he needs to try to get home to spend time with his wife.

Professional counselling seems to be popular in individualistic cultures. There are singles living in cities who hardly have interaction with others. They go to a counseling and share their problems for a large fee.

I have also read there is a lack of evidence that marriage counseling, on average, is successful. I think the metric for success may have been avoiding divorce. I am not sure if there is evidence of success with Christian counseling. I do know that there was a 'Christian counseling' show on the radio one place I lived. I just caught a few minutes of it a few times. The counselor on the phone was suggesting separation to a woman if what her husband was doing was verbal abuse-- just based on one member of the couple's testimony-- which seemed possibly reckless to me.

I knew a man whose wife was super angry at him. He had cheated, had a kid with someone else, even, reconciled with her, and had problems again. They were losing their apartment, and she was freaking out, yelling at him all the time. They went to a psychiatrist, and after a few minutes, she said they needed to separate. He felt betrayed after that. He hadn't been a good husband.

I am not a big believer in counseling. It can be good if you get good, Biblical advice, that's fine. It's just so many people who call themselves Christians have a low view of marriage, and can give bad advice. And let's face it, there are plenty of people who call themselves Christians whose ideas of husband and wife roles in marriage are shaped more by feminism in the culture than scripture.

I have also noticed a dangerous trend in that some people think if there are marriage problems and one person does not want to go to counseling, that this is grounds for divorce. Usually, women like counseling and men don't. (In marriage surveys, one of the problems with academic research is that the sample of women who want to take them is so much larger than the number of males who are interested. Men who respond could be different from the average population in some systematic way which could be a thread to validity of the research also.) The wife who dumps her husband because he won't go to counseling does not have Biblical grounds. Men may have good reason to be suspicious of psychological approaches to marriage, and even what gets dubbed as Christian counseling.

HOW THERAPISTS HARM MARRIAGES AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT*
William J. Doherty
Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, 2002, 1, 1-17.
Abstract
Two dangers now face married people who seek therapy as individuals or as couples. The first danger is individually trained therapists who are incompetent in working with couples. The second is therapists, whether competent or not, whose individualistic value orientation leads them to undermine marital commitment when the marriage causes distress for an individual. In our consumer culture, some therapists follow the cultural script that regards marriage as a lifestyle to be abandoned if it is not working for either of its customers. We need a searching discussion in the field about how to address our complicity in unnecessary divorces, and a series of reforms to improve how marital problems are treated in clinical practice.

Beware: Individual Therapy Can Harm Your Marriage

 

[DesertWanderer]

As to divorces among Christians, the blame should fall squarely on the church leaders and pastors. They have a moral and spiritual responsibility to sit down with people planning to get married and talk about the subject from a Christian perspective, and focus on the relevant Scriptures. At the same time they have a responsibility to ensure that both the man and the woman are genuinely saved and have been baptized as believers before they go ahead with any wedding plans. They also have a solemn responsibility to preach and teach about the subject of marriage and the responsibilities of Christian husbands and wives.

Amen...Amen..Amen...and Amen.

 

[Nehemiah6]

But if both are unbelievers are unbaptized, and neither is entangled by previous or current marriage, betrothal or commitment, and their parents agree, why not marry two heathens rather than let them fornicate?

Well they are free to go to a Justice of the Peace and be wedded. But not by a pastor and not in a church. That would make a mockery out of Christian marriage.

In our culture, they fill a cultural niche for validating marriages, and fulfilling this role for unbelievers can help prevent them from fornicating. It makes their obligations clearer if they do later become baptized believers.

Unbelievers have no business being married in a Christian church, since civil marriage is easily arranged.

 

[Nehemiah6]

Men may have good reason to be suspicious of psychological approaches to marriage, and even what gets dubbed as Christian counseling.

If there is to be counseling it must be totally biblical and provided by a wise and mature person. Psychology is incompatible with Bible Christianity, since it shuns the spiritual altogether.

 

[Lanolin]

yea I dont get the whole counselling and therapy thing for couples. and you notice that those counsellors may not even be married themselves, I mean they dont offer therapy as a couple together so thats a bit hypocritical.

My friend became a christian when she got married because the minister told her the gospel. and her husband got born again too. I think ministers need to make sure couple marry for the right reasons and also that they believe, otherwise refuse to marry them because they dont know what faith or to be faithful means if they are unbelieving. also unbelievers are more likely to break a vow or not mean what they say, and be tempted by drugs and drinking.

for many of us its a no brainer but some people think they can raise a family and be an addict or heavy drinker as well. Well no, it doesnt work. You children are not going to appreciate it when you are passed out on drink or drugs when they are hungry.

 

[Dino246]

My heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your marriage. I went through the same thing two years ago, and I still feel the sting.

Thanks. Mine ended six years ago. I don't feel the sting anymore, just the consequences.

 

[mailmandan]

I see too many young couples these days getting married "for better or for worse," UNTIL SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG.

 

[presidente]

Well they are free to go to a Justice of the Peace and be wedded. But not by a pastor and not in a church. That would make a mockery out of Christian marriage.

Unbelievers have no business being married in a Christian church, since civil marriage is easily arranged.

Since there are no Biblical teachings on church leaders performing weddings, where do you come up with your rules?

 

[presidente]

I generally think it unwise for married Christian couples to go to unbelievers got marital counseling, btw. The abstract posted earlier illustrates one problem. If they aren't even prioritizing preserving the marriage they can do more harm than good. Some who call themselves Christian counsellers could too highly value individual freedom. Too much emphasis on 'marriage is supposed to make you happy.' can be harmful.

 

[Goddaughter2000]

Im always shocked when I hear of a married couple splitting up. It makes me question a few things, especially if its a christian couple

we know marriage is no guarantee that adultery and unfaithfulness wont happen, but why is it so common these days even in the church. Is it because couples ARE unequally yoked to begin with or some other reason? or is it because of pressure to be married, and from being young and naive and maybe a bit blind to the responsibilites of raising a family, the commitment involved? not enough preparation?

for women is the desire to have children and then caring for them outweighing wifely duties, and for men is it the pressure of providing for the family that ends up splitting couples apart?

or is it simply hardness of heart? what do divorcees say about lessons they learned from being married? when you say marriage vows, arent you both supposed to MEAN what you say or is it just a token thing you do now?

from speaking with split couples my conclusions from observations of women are that they didnt really want to be married it was pressure to be married and not being able to say no, and also pressure to have children before being too old. some wanted childen MORE than wanting a husband thats what I seem to notice, and so chose badly, or put up with abuse, a husbands personal qualities didnt seem to matter over his ability to actually sire children. I really want people to be honest about the issue. Because why would people go to all the trouble of getting married, set up a house together and then just break up after a couple of years it does not make sense. and it also doenst make sense for any children caught in the middle of the drama.

define wifely duty .taking care of you doing all the household and you only earn money? women end up loving children more than husbands and see not his use .

 

[SUNDOWNSAM]

Im always shocked when I hear of a married couple splitting up. It makes me question a few things, especially if its a christian couple

we know marriage is no guarantee that adultery and unfaithfulness wont happen, but why is it so common these days even in the church. Is it because couples ARE unequally yoked to begin with or some other reason? or is it because of pressure to be married, and from being young and naive and maybe a bit blind to the responsibilites of raising a family, the commitment involved? not enough preparation?

for women is the desire to have children and then caring for them outweighing wifely duties, and for men is it the pressure of providing for the family that ends up splitting couples apart?

or is it simply hardness of heart? what do divorcees say about lessons they learned from being married? when you say marriage vows, arent you both supposed to MEAN what you say or is it just a token thing you do now?

from speaking with split couples my conclusions from observations of women are that they didnt really want to be married it was pressure to be married and not being able to say no, and also pressure to have children before being too old. some wanted childen MORE than wanting a husband thats what I seem to notice, and so chose badly, or put up with abuse, a husbands personal qualities didnt seem to matter over his ability to actually sire children. I really want people to be honest about the issue. Because why would people go to all the trouble of getting married, set up a house together and then just break up after a couple of years it does not make sense. and it also doenst make sense for any children caught in the middle of the drama.

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I think the problem lies in the fact that they go into marriage, not knowing what a marriage all about. Before entering marriage, both have to understand that when entering a marriage it is no longer about a man and a women, it is about one flesh, a husband and a wife. It is about understanding that there is order in a marriage, the husband is the head of the household and the wife is subjected to the husband, but that it does not give the husband the right to abuse his wife, they are both equal, she was made from his rib so both can be side by side each other, not for the husband to step over her, neither for the wife to manipulate him. Not to mention, the husband is to love, protect and provide for his wife and the wife is to love and reverence her husband.

So, I agree with you, it is sad that after many years together they fall out of love, sad.

 

[Lanolin]

I think relationship skills ought to be taught in schools as core curriculum and not just an assuming children as they grow into teenagers can just sort themselves out. and not just sex education but how to relate to each other, what you need to do if you really want to start your own family etc.

many children cant just learn from what their parents do because not every child has parents who are married, or even if they are married, that are faithful to each other.

 

[Dino246]

I generally think it unwise for married Christian couples to go to unbelievers got marital counseling, btw. The abstract posted earlier illustrates one problem. If they aren't even prioritizing preserving the marriage they can do more harm than good. Some who call themselves Christian counsellers could too highly value individual freedom. Too much emphasis on 'marriage is supposed to make you happy.' can be harmful.

Any Christian counselor worth his or her salt wouldn't hold to that idea; it's nothing but a romantic fantasy. After my marriage ended, I spent quite a few hours with a Christian counselor, who gave me solid biblically sound advice. I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone, but for those who are facing it, I'd hope they find a counselor as good as the one I had.

 

[Hungry]

So many good answers already. My observations are that every relationship stems from need. We are taught to be independent these days. We tolerate the “quirks” in others because usually their benefits outweigh the annoyances. These days we have two income earners, and two people who shop, cook and clean. We just don’t need eachother. If there is no friendship and compatibility (sexually or life focus), a mate becomes more like an adversary restricting freedom and stifling joy.

Most all enter marriage with the thought that they will be happy for the rest of their lives with eachother. The problem is who we are isn’t always who we remain, or who we become. We often grow at different rates and not in the same direction. Since the necessity to stay isn’t a factor, the option to separate becomes more intriguing.

 

[love_comes_softly]

As to divorces among Christians, the blame should fall squarely on the church leaders and pastors. They have a moral and spiritual responsibility to sit down with people planning to get married and talk about the subject from a Christian perspective, and focus on the relevant Scriptures. At the same time they have a responsibility to ensure that both the man and the woman are genuinely saved and have been baptized as believers before they go ahead with any wedding plans. They also have a solemn responsibility to preach and teach about the subject of marriage and the responsibilities of Christian husbands and wives.

This is actually the prime example of why I think many marriages fail today. The need to BLAME anyone, but themselves. It is never the fault of anyone else for divorce, apart from the couple themselves. Both parties or just one makes a decision that the marriage isn’t worth it and that’s the problem.

I don’t mean any offense to those that have been divorced because sometimes you’re not given a choice, but a lot of times divorce happens because someone got lazy. They got lazy in caring, lazy in showing their partner what it means to be loved, lazy in fighting for what they started.

We also live in a time when our role models are no longer role models. If your marriage hits a rough patch, oh well, you can find better or someone that won’t bring you to that again. People are so self centered.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

The truth is that all marriages that fail do so because of sin and selfishness.

 

[Lanolin]

This is actually the prime example of why I think many marriages fail today. The need to BLAME anyone, but themselves. It is never the fault of anyone else for divorce, apart from the couple themselves. Both parties or just one makes a decision that the marriage isn’t worth it and that’s the problem.

I don’t mean any offense to those that have been divorced because sometimes you’re not given a choice, but a lot of times divorce happens because someone got lazy. They got lazy in caring, lazy in showing their partner what it means to be loved, lazy in fighting for what they started.

We also live in a time when our role models are no longer role models. If your marriage hits a rough patch, oh well, you can find better or someone that won’t bring you to that again. People are so self centered.

I heard. of a thing called 'no fault' divorce and instead of adultery they just call it 'irreconcilable differences' ?! well who is Jesus but someone who reconciles us to God? How can there be 'irreconcilable differences' if those people made the choice to be married in the first place. I dont understand. ouldnt the person who married them have any clue that the people ought NOT to be married from the beginning, or do they just sit by and let a train wreck happen.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

For some people, their marriages fail easily with the slightest inconvenience . But there are marriages that endure even when confronted with adultery. There are those who are able to forgive the sin of adultery. People today have low tolerance to pain and suffering IMO.

 

[Lanolin]

excruciating pain would probably be under the categorty of constant abuse, I have recently read a book about 'controlling people' that highlights the problem, in that the controller isnt even aware that they are being abusive to their spouse.

That is why in many cases murderers will, say they love their spouse so much they want to kill them. Makes absolutely no sense, but it seems like people marry under pretence, that their intended will somehow always belong to them and do whatver they want. Like a teddy bear that doesnt have a mind of its own.

for abusers, they will latch on to someone because, just as demons operate, they need to find a body to inhabit. and of course marriage is one way to have someone bodily bound to you forever, or at least a long time. I have found it quite scary how some people think that because someone has a particular type of body they are deemed attractive to marry and neglect that this body also has a mind of its own that is quite different from the other persons.

 

[Dino246]

I heard. of a thing called 'no fault' divorce and instead of adultery they just call it 'irreconcilable differences' ?! well who is Jesus but someone who reconciles us to God? How can there be 'irreconcilable differences' if those people made the choice to be married in the first place. I dont understand. ouldnt the person who married them have any clue that the people ought NOT to be married from the beginning, or do they just sit by and let a train wreck happen.

It’s so easy to judge from the outside.