Why do marriages fail?
- Thread starter Lanolin
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Yes, church leaders bear responsibility to teach/preach and to counsel prospective couples. Perhaps in an illiterate culture, the blame would be "squarely" on them. However, very few cultures are illiterate today. The individuals themselves bear the primary responsibility for their own decisions, and for their ignorance (more likely rejection) of biblical principles.
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Lots of reasons.. Its tough to commit to anything for a year, yet alone a life time. People grow apart, one may change and mature while the other doesn't. They get bored with one another.. Bad habits, infidelity, abuse, different interest, financial pressures, etc. One stays fit and healthy while the other gets fat and lazy. Different wants and desires that aren't noticed or discussed during the premarrage lovey-dovey phase. Married too young, and then someone better comes along.
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C
I am not in the position actually to give an opinion regarding why do marriages fail...I am not even married yet... 😅
But let me please tell you a bit of the two people who God used to bring me out into this world for His purpose 😇
I have witnessed the ups and more downs in my parents almost 47 years of marriage if I counted it correct... My father came from a broken family. They were abandoned when they were young by their father for another woman. My father and his other siblings were placed under the care of their relatives...he stayed in his aunt's family where my father had to work everyday in the farm when he was only around 7 years old. And it gave him a disease where his tummy grew big.
To make my long story short 😅 He met my mother when my mother was 18 (10 years age difference) they fell in love and decided to get married. Poor and no education it was hard for both of my parents...when my two older brothers and I were born my father started to drink...almost everyday... There were constant shouting and fighting in the house and flying objects(plates) or anything my father could grab and threw whenever he was drunk and angry...
One day my father came home from work and he found out that my mother left us...but my mother came back after a month or two and they got back together again... My father changed only for a few months and started to drink again.... Not only that, he gambled also...it was really depressing for the whole family... I watched my mother shed tears over my father's drinking and gambling problems ..I was her silent witness...
My father's gambling and drinking problems continued until we were teenagers already...although he didn't stop all at once, he slowed down...
Their marriage is very far from being perfect... A marriage life that many of us won't dream of having of... She had all the reasons to leave my father forever ..but she chose to come back and stay.... She chose to forgive my father's shortcomings...she chose to sacrifice and give more and set aside her needs and desires and put my father's needs and desires in front of hers... It costs her, her entire life...yes it costs that much... She didn't just walk away forever when she was not happy with her marriage anymore...she came back and fought hard even more for their marriage ...gave even more,forgave even more and sacrificed even more ☺
And why does marriages fail...? Aside from physical abuse....it is because of lack of commitment instead of for better and for worse it is for better and better... Instead of till death do us part it becomes till I found another one... Instead of in sickness and in health it is in sickness and bye bye when one is sick....when she/he is not the sweet vibrant person we used to know anymore we become resentful and complain about her/him instead of looking for the reasons why they changed...it becomes about "me" if I am happy if I am loved if I am pampered instead of "us" before "me" and "him/her" before "me" and forgetting God in the marriage...it is easier to say things than when you are actually in that situaton but what else a real love can't do? And what else God can't do to protect and preserve your marriage?
About my beloved parents 😊They are now old and inseparable 😂 missed each other when one is not around 😊 we joke sometimes "mother you should go back home already because "your forever" missed you already" 😂
My siblings and I are looking forward for my parent's 50th anniversary and God willing we will give them a nice surprise 😊 May God continue to keep them,give them healthy bodies,let them enjoy their old age together and fulfill His purpose in their lives 🙏🏼
''Sorry for my long post 😅
But let me please tell you a bit of the two people who God used to bring me out into this world for His purpose 😇
I have witnessed the ups and more downs in my parents almost 47 years of marriage if I counted it correct... My father came from a broken family. They were abandoned when they were young by their father for another woman. My father and his other siblings were placed under the care of their relatives...he stayed in his aunt's family where my father had to work everyday in the farm when he was only around 7 years old. And it gave him a disease where his tummy grew big.
To make my long story short 😅 He met my mother when my mother was 18 (10 years age difference) they fell in love and decided to get married. Poor and no education it was hard for both of my parents...when my two older brothers and I were born my father started to drink...almost everyday... There were constant shouting and fighting in the house and flying objects(plates) or anything my father could grab and threw whenever he was drunk and angry...
One day my father came home from work and he found out that my mother left us...but my mother came back after a month or two and they got back together again... My father changed only for a few months and started to drink again.... Not only that, he gambled also...it was really depressing for the whole family... I watched my mother shed tears over my father's drinking and gambling problems ..I was her silent witness...
My father's gambling and drinking problems continued until we were teenagers already...although he didn't stop all at once, he slowed down...
Their marriage is very far from being perfect... A marriage life that many of us won't dream of having of... She had all the reasons to leave my father forever ..but she chose to come back and stay.... She chose to forgive my father's shortcomings...she chose to sacrifice and give more and set aside her needs and desires and put my father's needs and desires in front of hers... It costs her, her entire life...yes it costs that much... She didn't just walk away forever when she was not happy with her marriage anymore...she came back and fought hard even more for their marriage ...gave even more,forgave even more and sacrificed even more ☺
And why does marriages fail...? Aside from physical abuse....it is because of lack of commitment instead of for better and for worse it is for better and better... Instead of till death do us part it becomes till I found another one... Instead of in sickness and in health it is in sickness and bye bye when one is sick....when she/he is not the sweet vibrant person we used to know anymore we become resentful and complain about her/him instead of looking for the reasons why they changed...it becomes about "me" if I am happy if I am loved if I am pampered instead of "us" before "me" and "him/her" before "me" and forgetting God in the marriage...it is easier to say things than when you are actually in that situaton but what else a real love can't do? And what else God can't do to protect and preserve your marriage?
About my beloved parents 😊They are now old and inseparable 😂 missed each other when one is not around 😊 we joke sometimes "mother you should go back home already because "your forever" missed you already" 😂
My siblings and I are looking forward for my parent's 50th anniversary and God willing we will give them a nice surprise 😊 May God continue to keep them,give them healthy bodies,let them enjoy their old age together and fulfill His purpose in their lives 🙏🏼
''Sorry for my long post 😅
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lack of faith perhaps.
I was thinking marriage is really a test of faith. That its not about 'me' its about 'we.'
I also think vows are really important, but in some marriages maybe they actually dont say those vows anymore.
Both are giving your body up for the other person, its not your body anymore.
So you cant just go and join with another person you arent married to. I think many women (and men) can endure alcohol or substance abuse, gambling, sickness, irritating habits etc, but adultery is something else.
I was thinking marriage is really a test of faith. That its not about 'me' its about 'we.'
I also think vows are really important, but in some marriages maybe they actually dont say those vows anymore.
Both are giving your body up for the other person, its not your body anymore.
So you cant just go and join with another person you arent married to. I think many women (and men) can endure alcohol or substance abuse, gambling, sickness, irritating habits etc, but adultery is something else.
The question reminded me of the passage often spoken about in church from Eph. 5 (CJB):
21 Submit to one another in fear of the Messiah. 22 Wives should submit to their husbands as they do to the Lord; 23 because the husband is head of the wife, just as the Messiah, as head of the Messianic Community, is himself the one who keeps the body safe. 24 Just as the Messianic Community submits to the Messiah, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 As for husbands, love your wives, just as the Messiah loved the Messianic Community, indeed, gave himself up on its behalf, 26 in order to set it apart for God, making it clean through immersion in the mikveh, so to speak, 27 in order to present the Messianic Community to himself as a bride to be proud of, without a spot, wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and without defect. 28 This is how husbands ought to love their wives — like their own bodies; for the man who loves his wife is loving himself. 29 Why, no one ever hated his own flesh! On the contrary, he feeds it well and takes care of it, just as the Messiah does the Messianic Community, 30 because we are parts of his Body.
When either spouse does not submit to each other, when the wife does not respect her husband, and he does not love her as he loves himself. Neither respecting nor loving unconditionally is easy... and imagine respecting when you do not love. So both are really required to love agape, and if that is not the kind of love between couples, i believe they will grow apart from God's love and grace. Aside from the other reasons given with too young marriages, lack of maturity and commitment, forced marriages too...
21 Submit to one another in fear of the Messiah. 22 Wives should submit to their husbands as they do to the Lord; 23 because the husband is head of the wife, just as the Messiah, as head of the Messianic Community, is himself the one who keeps the body safe. 24 Just as the Messianic Community submits to the Messiah, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 As for husbands, love your wives, just as the Messiah loved the Messianic Community, indeed, gave himself up on its behalf, 26 in order to set it apart for God, making it clean through immersion in the mikveh, so to speak, 27 in order to present the Messianic Community to himself as a bride to be proud of, without a spot, wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and without defect. 28 This is how husbands ought to love their wives — like their own bodies; for the man who loves his wife is loving himself. 29 Why, no one ever hated his own flesh! On the contrary, he feeds it well and takes care of it, just as the Messiah does the Messianic Community, 30 because we are parts of his Body.
When either spouse does not submit to each other, when the wife does not respect her husband, and he does not love her as he loves himself. Neither respecting nor loving unconditionally is easy... and imagine respecting when you do not love. So both are really required to love agape, and if that is not the kind of love between couples, i believe they will grow apart from God's love and grace. Aside from the other reasons given with too young marriages, lack of maturity and commitment, forced marriages too...
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"Unwilling to change to be more compatible with spouse. Acceptance of ones flaws.
Expecting to change the other, but not willing to change ones own self.
Honesty and sharing concerns of any conflicting issues. Accept difference in ones
personal interest. Accept ones past with love and understanding. Allow each other 'space'.
Forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, and refrain from physical or emotional behavior.
And, be ever mindful, love is not meant to be easy, but with perseverance a meaningful
relationship is priceless...believe it! Now of forty five plus years, experience is indispensable.
And, when I tell my wife I love her, I sincerely mean with all my being, and I thank God for her."
Expecting to change the other, but not willing to change ones own self.
Honesty and sharing concerns of any conflicting issues. Accept difference in ones
personal interest. Accept ones past with love and understanding. Allow each other 'space'.
Forgiveness, acceptance, honesty, and refrain from physical or emotional behavior.
And, be ever mindful, love is not meant to be easy, but with perseverance a meaningful
relationship is priceless...believe it! Now of forty five plus years, experience is indispensable.
And, when I tell my wife I love her, I sincerely mean with all my being, and I thank God for her."
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I would say there are lots of reasons:
- Many people do not value marriage or the teachings of Jesus and the apostles. They want to divorce and possibly marry someone else if they do not derive the happiness our culture (through cartoons, movies, TV shows, etc.) teach that they are supposed to derive through being in love.
- Many people do not value the teachings of Jesus and the apostles and want to divorce if marriage involves outright unpleasantness- another human being who is hard to get along with.
- A society that approves of divorce and does not stigmatize it.
- A church culture that ignores divorce, where teachers teach on other topics and avoid the topic of divorce and remarriage which might offend many people.
- A church culture that approves of divorce where teachers twist their teaching of scripture to fit with modern standards.
- Contentiousness-- valuing winning an argument more than more important things in the relationship.
- Unwillingness of a wife to submit to her husband and reverence/fear/respect him.
- Unwillingness of a husband to honor his wife and love her as Christ loved the church.
- Culturally approved disdain for men.
- The effects of previous sexual sin.
- Adultery and other sexual sins.
- Drunkenness and drug abuse are hard to put up with.
- Physical and emotional abuse.
- Thin-skinned people labeling normal relationship difficulties as 'abuse' to justify divorce combined with a teaching that arose in the last century that abuse justifies divorce and remarriage.
- Withholding sexual intimacy.
- A warped culture which encourages fornication outside of marriage, but justifies withholding sexual intimacy in marriage.
- Different ideas on using money, raising children, etc.
- A low view of marriage
Many of the above factors have to be combined to result in divorce. The factors are not listed in order of importance.
I think most fail for lack of communication. I suffered two failed marriages, so I think I can comment. My first marriage, I quit trying to make it work once I was cheated on. I did not reciprocate by being unfaithful myself. I just promised myself I would leave when my daughter got old enough.
After the second year of marriage, I guess my first wife rethought what she had and became faithful. That created somewhat of a paradox 14 years later, when the years of not trying to solve differences, came to a head. By the time I got away from my first, I knew I would not be back. She fought and it got ugly.
My second marriage failed because, I am a creature of habit. I had become set in not settling differences, not communicating. Then one day I wake up and say: "How did I let that happen?" I was willing to try more by my wife wanted out, I had to let her go.
After the second year of marriage, I guess my first wife rethought what she had and became faithful. That created somewhat of a paradox 14 years later, when the years of not trying to solve differences, came to a head. By the time I got away from my first, I knew I would not be back. She fought and it got ugly.
My second marriage failed because, I am a creature of habit. I had become set in not settling differences, not communicating. Then one day I wake up and say: "How did I let that happen?" I was willing to try more by my wife wanted out, I had to let her go.
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My best guess is that as the world flies toward Christ's return, the more our hearts are hardened, and the less we are remaining focused on God. If one or both spouses lose their focus on Christ, then the less they will desire the things of Christ, in this case a Godly marriage. The less they desire things of Christ, the less they will care for these things and the more they will seek worldly things or ways. If we always keep our focus on Christ, we will automatically become a better person: a better spouse, a better parent, a better employee, just better, because our desire will be to fulfill the work Christ has begun in us. So if both spouses keep their focus where it belongs, the less likely they are to divorce.
Also, if both spouses are focused on and moving towards Christ, the close they will move towards each other naturally, like a triangle.
Also, if both spouses are focused on and moving towards Christ, the close they will move towards each other naturally, like a triangle.
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if one can mature enough to admit that their 'faux-marriage' was nothing more than 'carnal' selfish-manipulattion',
then one can begin to realize their mistakes and begin to grow and hopefully desire to obey God's rules and regulations
about such an Holy Union, and thus, 'prayerfully-hopefully' this will give them a 'real-chance' to experience
an Holy Marriage, God's Ways and Rules...
when I walked down that isle, all arrayed in 'white', little did I know how ugly and un-faithful I was being to my Saviour...
such blatant ignorance and faithlessness, it's really a no-brainer why it failed...
there's so much that happened and their are so many can read between the lines/years, and KNOW - i'll just leave it here...
BUT, at a certain point in our lives, God intervened in our isolation of disrespect, and He brought us together
according to His Will and Order,
for we had reached the end of our lines and were over-come with despair or any hope of a future...
you may ask, 'why the two of us'??? this is a whole, super-natural-event in itself, yet to be told in our future...
then one can begin to realize their mistakes and begin to grow and hopefully desire to obey God's rules and regulations
about such an Holy Union, and thus, 'prayerfully-hopefully' this will give them a 'real-chance' to experience
an Holy Marriage, God's Ways and Rules...
when I walked down that isle, all arrayed in 'white', little did I know how ugly and un-faithful I was being to my Saviour...
such blatant ignorance and faithlessness, it's really a no-brainer why it failed...
there's so much that happened and their are so many can read between the lines/years, and KNOW - i'll just leave it here...
BUT, at a certain point in our lives, God intervened in our isolation of disrespect, and He brought us together
according to His Will and Order,
for we had reached the end of our lines and were over-come with despair or any hope of a future...
you may ask, 'why the two of us'??? this is a whole, super-natural-event in itself, yet to be told in our future...
M
I think most fail for lack of communication. I suffered two failed marriages, so I think I can comment. My first marriage, I quit trying to make it work once I was cheated on. I did not reciprocate by being unfaithful myself. I just promised myself I would leave when my daughter got old enough.
After the second year of marriage, I guess my first wife rethought what she had and became faithful. That created somewhat of a paradox 14 years later, when the years of not trying to solve differences, came to a head. By the time I got away from my first, I knew I would not be back. She fought and it got ugly.
My second marriage failed because, I am a creature of habit. I had become set in not settling differences, not communicating. Then one day I wake up and say: "How did I let that happen?" I was willing to try more by my wife wanted out, I had to let her go.[/QUOTE
I’m sorry. I’m guessing that was hard to let her go. How are you feeling now?
After the second year of marriage, I guess my first wife rethought what she had and became faithful. That created somewhat of a paradox 14 years later, when the years of not trying to solve differences, came to a head. By the time I got away from my first, I knew I would not be back. She fought and it got ugly.
My second marriage failed because, I am a creature of habit. I had become set in not settling differences, not communicating. Then one day I wake up and say: "How did I let that happen?" I was willing to try more by my wife wanted out, I had to let her go.
[/QUOTEI’m sorry. I’m guessing that was hard to let her go. How are you feeling now?
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I am okay now. We divorced in 2002 after being married twenty years. A lot of water has passed under that bridge, we are still friendly with each other. She was a good wife but we grew apart for lack of communication. I take full blame for that. We still have her three kids I raised with her in common.
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I was reading a bio of Robin Williams. I dont think he was a christian but anyway he had three marriages. His first failed because he was drinking and doing drugs and womanizing.
Then he married againthis time to the nanny of his first son. that lasted a while, had two more children and he got sober but then it fell apart when he fell off the wagon again.
he got married a third time and that ended when he hung himself. in the bio it said he regretted his second divorce. it wasnt cos of unfaithfulness but its really hard to stay married to a drunk person.
his first wife said she would tolerate a lot of his drug use and womanizing but it got too much in the end and adultery was the last straw. He also got sued by his ex girlfriend who claimed she fell pregant but he wouldnt marry her or some sort of scandal. it went to court.
Im thinking how ironic this is because in one movie he did play a minister it was called License to Wed and it was about a couple that had to prove that they were really in love and commited to to marry each other. I dont recall if he warned them about the dangers of drugs and drinking though.
Then he married againthis time to the nanny of his first son. that lasted a while, had two more children and he got sober but then it fell apart when he fell off the wagon again.
he got married a third time and that ended when he hung himself. in the bio it said he regretted his second divorce. it wasnt cos of unfaithfulness but its really hard to stay married to a drunk person.
his first wife said she would tolerate a lot of his drug use and womanizing but it got too much in the end and adultery was the last straw. He also got sued by his ex girlfriend who claimed she fell pregant but he wouldnt marry her or some sort of scandal. it went to court.
Im thinking how ironic this is because in one movie he did play a minister it was called License to Wed and it was about a couple that had to prove that they were really in love and commited to to marry each other. I dont recall if he warned them about the dangers of drugs and drinking though.
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If one of them is genuinely saved and baptize, I agree with you. But if both are unbelievers are unbaptized, and neither is entangled by previous or current marriage, betrothal or commitment, and their parents agree, why not marry two heathens rather than let them fornicate? It's also an opportunity to evangelize. I don't think the elders of the church are obligated to marry unbelievers specifically. But the Bible does not obligate them to perform any wedding ceremonies, which were arrangements involving the father of the bride and the bridgroom or his father in Biblical times. In our culture, they fill a cultural niche for validating marriages, and fulfilling this role for unbelievers can help prevent them from fornicating. It makes their obligations clearer if they do later become baptized believers.
Isn't it ironic that there was a much lower divorce rate before marriage counseling became common, before 'Christian counseling', etc.
I had an interesting conversation with a cross-cultural psychologist. He said that in Asia, therapy, individual psychological counseling, etc. was nearly unheard of. A lot of extended families lived together and the older ones would give younger ones advice. A young newly married man comes home late after work, and his uncle tells him he is married now and he needs to try to get home to spend time with his wife.
Professional counselling seems to be popular in individualistic cultures. There are singles living in cities who hardly have interaction with others. They go to a counseling and share their problems for a large fee.
I have also read there is a lack of evidence that marriage counseling, on average, is successful. I think the metric for success may have been avoiding divorce. I am not sure if there is evidence of success with Christian counseling. I do know that there was a 'Christian counseling' show on the radio one place I lived. I just caught a few minutes of it a few times. The counselor on the phone was suggesting separation to a woman if what her husband was doing was verbal abuse-- just based on one member of the couple's testimony-- which seemed possibly reckless to me.
I knew a man whose wife was super angry at him. He had cheated, had a kid with someone else, even, reconciled with her, and had problems again. They were losing their apartment, and she was freaking out, yelling at him all the time. They went to a psychiatrist, and after a few minutes, she said they needed to separate. He felt betrayed after that. He hadn't been a good husband.
I am not a big believer in counseling. It can be good if you get good, Biblical advice, that's fine. It's just so many people who call themselves Christians have a low view of marriage, and can give bad advice. And let's face it, there are plenty of people who call themselves Christians whose ideas of husband and wife roles in marriage are shaped more by feminism in the culture than scripture.
I have also noticed a dangerous trend in that some people think if there are marriage problems and one person does not want to go to counseling, that this is grounds for divorce. Usually, women like counseling and men don't. (In marriage surveys, one of the problems with academic research is that the sample of women who want to take them is so much larger than the number of males who are interested. Men who respond could be different from the average population in some systematic way which could be a thread to validity of the research also.) The wife who dumps her husband because he won't go to counseling does not have Biblical grounds. Men may have good reason to be suspicious of psychological approaches to marriage, and even what gets dubbed as Christian counseling.
I had an interesting conversation with a cross-cultural psychologist. He said that in Asia, therapy, individual psychological counseling, etc. was nearly unheard of. A lot of extended families lived together and the older ones would give younger ones advice. A young newly married man comes home late after work, and his uncle tells him he is married now and he needs to try to get home to spend time with his wife.
Professional counselling seems to be popular in individualistic cultures. There are singles living in cities who hardly have interaction with others. They go to a counseling and share their problems for a large fee.
I have also read there is a lack of evidence that marriage counseling, on average, is successful. I think the metric for success may have been avoiding divorce. I am not sure if there is evidence of success with Christian counseling. I do know that there was a 'Christian counseling' show on the radio one place I lived. I just caught a few minutes of it a few times. The counselor on the phone was suggesting separation to a woman if what her husband was doing was verbal abuse-- just based on one member of the couple's testimony-- which seemed possibly reckless to me.
I knew a man whose wife was super angry at him. He had cheated, had a kid with someone else, even, reconciled with her, and had problems again. They were losing their apartment, and she was freaking out, yelling at him all the time. They went to a psychiatrist, and after a few minutes, she said they needed to separate. He felt betrayed after that. He hadn't been a good husband.
I am not a big believer in counseling. It can be good if you get good, Biblical advice, that's fine. It's just so many people who call themselves Christians have a low view of marriage, and can give bad advice. And let's face it, there are plenty of people who call themselves Christians whose ideas of husband and wife roles in marriage are shaped more by feminism in the culture than scripture.
I have also noticed a dangerous trend in that some people think if there are marriage problems and one person does not want to go to counseling, that this is grounds for divorce. Usually, women like counseling and men don't. (In marriage surveys, one of the problems with academic research is that the sample of women who want to take them is so much larger than the number of males who are interested. Men who respond could be different from the average population in some systematic way which could be a thread to validity of the research also.) The wife who dumps her husband because he won't go to counseling does not have Biblical grounds. Men may have good reason to be suspicious of psychological approaches to marriage, and even what gets dubbed as Christian counseling.
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Marriages fail because of misplace faith. The Believers Faith is not in Christ and the Finished Work at Calvary's Cross where the victory was won (Romans 8:2). Therefore, you get to take care of you! The Holy Spirit will not help such a person(s)...grace stops! In other words, you are on your own (when the hedge comes down the serpent will strike - Ecclesiastes 10:8). They are not considered Righteous in the eyes of God.
