Wife gets pregnant, now wants to leave me.

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May 7, 2019
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#61
https://christianchat.com/christian-family-forum/wife-gets-pregnant-now-wants-to-leave-me.184894/

Here is an update to this previous post.

My life is getting tougher as my wife left me in August and moved a few states away to live with her mom.
This is very hard on me because men don't have many rights until the baby is born. So looks like i'm most likely moving which i really don't want to.
God has blessed me recently with a Job that i can work anywhere and I am very happy about that.
Our baby is coming soon in December and I am trying to stay excited and i have bought lots of baby stuff.
I think about everything between us and the baby all day long. She is still cheating with me :( And it hurts because family means everything to me.


I am doing well right now but i know my life is about to be very stressful. Right now I am leading out in a kids program at my church (trying to get ready to be a parent). I have stayed busy but not going to lie it has been very hard. I have a lot of friends and they are supportive but i still feel like I have no one to talk to.

Last week someone from my wife's church where she lives called me (we had met a few times briefly)...He did not believe the things my wife had been saying and wanted clarification. She made up that i was just trying to divorce her and that she was going to be a single mom. Obviously her story didn't sound true so he called. It hurts watching her lose most of her friends. I truly don't know if she has any good friends left. Her closest church friend she wont talk to anymore.

I filed for separation and it got served. She tried to file for divorce a day later. But i'm sure she will change my separation to divorce. As a christian and a good person I feel like I still need to fight for my family. She is pregnant with our child and I want to be there for both of them.

On thanksgiving break I plan on making the 20 hour drive and stay down there until the baby comes and see what happens before we make a decision or have court. I don't have a place to stay and I don't want to sign a year lease. So this worries and stresses me. But i have to be there for my family and my kid. I am going to be a great parent and not be one who isn't around. I am also concerned about the place my wife lives as i don't find the values at that house very good for children.

There is almost no communication between my wife and I right now as she will barely tell me anything about the baby. I am still being nice even though I sometimes don't feel like it.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,895
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#62
Ummm.. She cheated on you and left and she's STILL cheating on you. Even if you DO get back together, which is highly unlikely, she isn't going to stop cheating. Cheaters never stop. She obviously wants no part of you or her marriage anymore, so once the baby comes I would file for sole custody, because you can prove she's an unfit mother. I feel sorry for you and the baby, because you don't deserve this and the baby doesn't deserve an unfit, cheating mother.
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
1,036
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#63
In this situation, a situation I've found myself in as you can read, this girl is confused, she finds herself married, pregnant, confused and freaking out. This action, in my opinion, is a cry for help, and I applaud Otto for being willing to fight for this relationship and while I would agree she is cheating 100%, no doubt, things have not gotten physical. They've never even met face to face. She is chasing a fantasy and need her man right now more than ever to fight for her. I know there is a point, there is a line and that is for Otto and God to decide what it is, but right now him loving her through this is exactly what Jesus wants. I think you're being a bit hard nosed about how you'd handle it, and I understand, but as one who has WAY too many skeletons in my closet (I guess a wide open closet because none a secret) to judge anyone, but I know what happen when I stood and fought for my wife, I thank God every day for her, now married 14 years, together 23. I just think the "kick'em to the curb", answer is WAY too popular among Christians, even though you weren't really even doing this in the way I'm talking about, but this girl need this guy in her life right now just like he will need here, back and forth.

So I understand what you are saying (only what you would do, not what he should), and like I've said this understanding and trying to work it out can only last to a point, so I do agree with you that this is NOT okay at ALL, but I know I am praying God opens her eyes to what she has in this guy.
this girl is confused, she finds herself married, pregnant, confused and freaking out. This action, in my opinion, is a cry for help, Agreed!!

I think you're being a bit hard nosed about how you'd handle it,
I do not see this at all in any of his writings?

I just think the "kick'em to the curb", answer is WAY too popular among Christians, even though you weren't really even doing this in the way I'm talking about, He has not done this at all!!

this girl need this guy in her life right now just like he will need here, back and forth. Definitely agree with this.
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
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#64
This post started out in May, and I know it has been a hard ride for you ever since, I greatly admire your perservance, , your faith, and the love that you have for your wife. I hope and pray that she will come to her senses before your patience wears out.

I really do think it is the issues of the past that she has not been able to deal with or has no idea how to, that is the root of the problem, you are an amazing man indeed to not "throw her to the curb" as someone else stated. It is extremely hard to be forgiving and loyal, in the face of all of this, but you, by the grace of God are doing just that.

I had 5 real tough foster children, who would challenge my care for them, and do everything to break it down, but this had to be their outer defense mechanism, looking back..... every child wants love and acceptance, but when it is not given to them, they react differently, as did the children in my care.

I guess we would be shocked to know all the things that go thru their minds, things that are not normal, and not at all clear to those of us who care for them, but one thing we can be sure of is that at the very bottom of all that is piled on to make them who they are right now, the child in them wants love and acceptance , even if it is not showing at the moment.

I think it is just a matter of time until she realizes that she has a real gem on her hands, and that she needs to learn how to appreciate you, and treat you right. I really hope and pray that the counselor that she gets will know how to deal with her, that will be productive, and that she can and will give her the right advice, and that your wife will listen to her.

I pray for your continued love for her, and i hope that she soon realizes the truth of her situation, that the Holy Spirit will bring truth to her, and convict her of her wrong doing, that she can be transformed into the wife and mother that you so desperately need her to be, and not only that but that she too truly wants to be, deep down, help her Oh Lord, she needs you 24/7, help her to find truth, amen.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
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#65
There are probably efficiency apartments in the area. Or you can sometimes work out a deal with a hotel that isn't cheap but is monthly. I have no advice to offer other than potentially writing letters to the mother or speaking with anyone else in her family that you happen to be on speaking terms with...I feel for you :(

Prayerful consideration.
 

Silverwings

Senior Member
Jul 27, 2016
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#66
May 7, 2019
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#67
This post started out in May, and I know it has been a hard ride for you ever since, I greatly admire your perservance, , your faith, and the love that you have for your wife. I hope and pray that she will come to her senses before your patience wears out.

I really do think it is the issues of the past that she has not been able to deal with or has no idea how to, that is the root of the problem, you are an amazing man indeed to not "throw her to the curb" as someone else stated. It is extremely hard to be forgiving and loyal, in the face of all of this, but you, by the grace of God are doing just that.

I had 5 real tough foster children, who would challenge my care for them, and do everything to break it down, but this had to be their outer defense mechanism, looking back..... every child wants love and acceptance, but when it is not given to them, they react differently, as did the children in my care.

I guess we would be shocked to know all the things that go thru their minds, things that are not normal, and not at all clear to those of us who care for them, but one thing we can be sure of is that at the very bottom of all that is piled on to make them who they are right now, the child in them wants love and acceptance , even if it is not showing at the moment.

I think it is just a matter of time until she realizes that she has a real gem on her hands, and that she needs to learn how to appreciate you, and treat you right. I really hope and pray that the counselor that she gets will know how to deal with her, that will be productive, and that she can and will give her the right advice, and that your wife will listen to her.

I pray for your continued love for her, and i hope that she soon realizes the truth of her situation, that the Holy Spirit will bring truth to her, and convict her of her wrong doing, that she can be transformed into the wife and mother that you so desperately need her to be, and not only that but that she too truly wants to be, deep down, help her Oh Lord, she needs you 24/7, help her to find truth, amen.
Thanks for the support.

An update i forgot to post is that she has seen him. She lied about a work trip and i caught them in my house on a security camera :/ it was a very sad day. They didn't do anything at my house but i know they did elsewhere and it hurts :/

Her foster mom isn't christian and i think she feels safe there because she can talk to the other guy. Her mom is a good person just is very political and not a place I want our baby raised. Her mom knows that i'm a good person but now her daughter is closer to her more than ever (before they didn't really talk and my wife didn't like her) so she just chooses to stay out of it.

Hopefully when i'm down there she will remember how I was a good husband and want a family again.
 
May 7, 2019
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#68
There are probably efficiency apartments in the area. Or you can sometimes work out a deal with a hotel that isn't cheap but is monthly. I have no advice to offer other than potentially writing letters to the mother or speaking with anyone else in her family that you happen to be on speaking terms with...I feel for you :(

Prayerful consideration.
I have a friend that lives 2 hours away that is my last resort. But my pastor is checking with some local churches to see if i could rent from a member. But not many people want a 25M staying with them.

My wife wants me to rent across the street, but its a 3 person shared place with no guests. So i wouldn't be able to have a baby there so that isn't an option.Will look into hotels or other options as a last effort, but really hoping i can find a better option.
 
May 7, 2019
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#69
You can also find rooms for rent on Craigslist, and on Airbnb -

https://www.airbnb.com/a/?af=43720035&c=.pi2.pk1295224732334656_80951567569517_c_80951563609475&msclkid=18021e575f88102899e043e67c7a47a3&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=USA:DTM:BRD:AIRBNB[EXACT]&utm_term=airbnb&utm_content=Airbnb:Generic+Exact

and maybe at the Ymca, not sure!!

There are also hotels/motels that offer extended stay rates, the internet is truly your friend, just type in what yu are looking for and where.
Yes i will check into places. I do need a place with my own room and everything because I work from home with 3 monitors and I will need space to set my work up.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
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#70
Yes i will check into places. I do need a place with my own room and everything because I work from home with 3 monitors and I will need space to set my work up.
AirBNB isn't exactly cheap if you are going to be staying for a bit but it's better than a hotel price for sure.

CGL is decent for finding rooms for rent but most of them are probably wanting someone who will stay at least a few months and you'd have to interview the people to feel comfortable in my experience. I have done that to find roommates in the past btw. So I second that.
 
Dec 22, 2018
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#71
Ummm.. She cheated on you and left and she's STILL cheating on you. Even if you DO get back together, which is highly unlikely, she isn't going to stop cheating. Cheaters never stop. She obviously wants no part of you or her marriage anymore, so once the baby comes I would file for sole custody, because you can prove she's an unfit mother. I feel sorry for you and the baby, because you don't deserve this and the baby doesn't deserve an unfit, cheating mother.
Please, please do not give advice um ever again. Thanks
 
Dec 22, 2018
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#72
Yes i will check into places. I do need a place with my own room and everything because I work from home with 3 monitors and I will need space to set my work up.
Sounds like similar stressful times I've been going through. Almost like circumstances are impossible to work with. My heart is with you and your family.

I heard it told about 8 yrs back and now Im starting to believe its validity /:

a Christian said that we were moving into a time when the authentic Christian's wouldn't be able to do anything without God. Not that everything isnt in Gods hands anyway and I'm learning just how true to the minute detail that is, but that we will have to walk in the spirit wholly and completely. I believe we're possibly learning this truth and the importance of leaning on a much bigger arm than our own... than maybe ever before.

I do not know if that helped. It sort of helped me. Keep CC updated please.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,895
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#73
Please, please do not give advice um ever again. Thanks
Should I have sugar coated my reply and told him that everything will be fine? She left this marriage the first time she cheated. And she's not going to stop doing it. I do hope he can get custody of the child, but she has effectively destroyed any trust he had in her..
 
May 7, 2019
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#74
Should I have sugar coated my reply and told him that everything will be fine? She left this marriage the first time she cheated. And she's not going to stop doing it. I do hope he can get custody of the child, but she has effectively destroyed any trust he had in her..

I know she probably won't turn around. But what kind of husband would I be if i gave up on my wife when she is pregnant with my baby. I can still try and fight for my marriage until she divorces me. The cheating just doesn't make since to me. Why would she want to date a guy who is almost 30 and is fully supported by his mom? I just don't understand much of any of the stuff that has happened.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
68,895
7,233
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#75
I think that SHE doesn't even know what, or who, she wants. Maybe she doesn't want to be married anymore, or maybe she's just having a pregnant-and-midlife crisis.. Has she already filed divorce papers? And does she know you're planning to move near her?
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,479
3,651
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#76
I dunno why people want to hang onto something that already died a painful death

I was just speaking to someone a couple of wks back that had to leave a very painful marriage and God has totally provided for them

no marriage is perfect but I don't think we need to paint a sign on our forehead that states 'please abuse me'

I think this is not what God expects and I also think we miss markers along the way where God is pointing in a different direction then the one we think we should take

if this woman is that cra cra, perhaps you should look into sole custody IF the baby is actually yours...I would get a DNA test

just sayin'
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,479
3,651
113
#77
Should I have sugar coated my reply and told him that everything will be fine? She left this marriage the first time she cheated. And she's not going to stop doing it. I do hope he can get custody of the child, but she has effectively destroyed any trust he had in her..

read her post following what she said to you
 

7seasrekeyed

Senior Member
Aug 27, 2017
8,479
3,651
113
#78
Sounds like similar stressful times I've been going through. Almost like circumstances are impossible to work with. My heart is with you and your family.

I heard it told about 8 yrs back and now Im starting to believe its validity /:

a Christian said that we were moving into a time when the authentic Christian's wouldn't be able to do anything without God. Not that everything isnt in Gods hands anyway and I'm learning just how true to the minute detail that is, but that we will have to walk in the spirit wholly and completely. I believe we're possibly learning this truth and the importance of leaning on a much bigger arm than our own... than maybe ever before.

I do not know if that helped. It sort of helped me. Keep CC updated please.

apparently you are separated yourself...sorry about that

so you identify with the op
 

Jimbone

Senior Member
Aug 22, 2014
1,907
453
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#79
Thanks for the support.

An update i forgot to post is that she has seen him. She lied about a work trip and i caught them in my house on a security camera :/ it was a very sad day. They didn't do anything at my house but i know they did elsewhere and it hurts :/

Her foster mom isn't christian and i think she feels safe there because she can talk to the other guy. Her mom is a good person just is very political and not a place I want our baby raised. Her mom knows that i'm a good person but now her daughter is closer to her more than ever (before they didn't really talk and my wife didn't like her) so she just chooses to stay out of it.

Hopefully when i'm down there she will remember how I was a good husband and want a family again.
Wow man, so now she is actually cheating with your baby growing in her. Wow man, that is so wrong, the other guy is unbelievable too. How awful, but now she has really crossed a line in my opinion. (as far as how "I" feel) You do what God leads you to do, and Israel was FAR worse to God, and God always took them back. I am not going to be one to tell you what you should do, but if this was the case for me, I'd have to go. That's too much for me, I think. Until I'm in that situation I can't truly know, but the thought of another man with man wife, while my child is in her, always being there, it would be the end for me. By his grace I'd get the child, and I pray that I'd want the best for her too, but that would be it in my head in that situation. But the thing is, what I think means nothing. You follow Jesus brother, and I will pray for peace and guidance in this crazy time. My heart is with you man, and even in the storm Jesus is great.
 
Dec 22, 2018
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#80
apparently you are separated yourself...sorry about that

so you identify with the op
I can relate to the severity of the circumstances here, yes.

He divorced me. Niether filed for separation. It's the only option on a status for a divorced not finalized.