A big problem with love. I could sure use some advice.

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Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#81
Nov 13, 2013
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#81
drulenarendes said:
One more note I wanted to point out to those who are so quick to tell me to walk away from this amazing woman. She is the ONLY person in my life who is Christian. So therefore, she is the only one who can hold me accountable in my walk with Christ, she is the only one who can pick me up when I fall, and she is the only one who can encourage me to stay on God's path when I am not feeling His presence in my life, which is fairly often of late.

So please keep that in mind when you tell me to cut her from my life.
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It almost sounds like your looking for a mother figure? That's a lot of burden to put on a 'friend'. Try not being so much work for her, it might be a one sided relationship, i.e; she does all this for me. Try holding yourself accountable in your walk with Christ and picking yourself up when you fall. Women aren't generally attracted to needy men, I'm guessing her boyfriend is a bit more independent? I don't mean to criticize, just making a suggestion. Being mutually compatible with someone means that you don't bring a load of problems to a relationship or need constant encouragement, its difficult to mesh with someone like that, it can be overwhelming.

I don't think anyone is suggesting you cut her completely out of your life. But she's involved in a serious relationship, so out of respect for them, your involvement with her should be limited to that of a casual friend. If your feelings are more than that, then your a third wheel, and that's nothing but trouble. Sometimes loving someone is demonstrated by your willingness to let them go. If you really care about her, pull back and be glad she's happy and has found someone who does for her what she did for you. If you can't emotionally do that, then cutting her from your life might be in her best interest. jmo
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#82
#82
seoulsearch said:
God isn't going to call you to draw closer and closer to Him by trying to get closer and closer to a member of the opposite sex who has a significant other.

But yes, many people tell themselves that--it happens all the time.
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I wouldn't even HAVE a relationship with God if not for this woman. It's clear to both of us that He was using her to bring me back into his flock. So what good would it do to say, "Thanks for bringing God back into my life, but I'm leaving you again."?
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#83
Dec 7, 2013
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#83
drulenarendes said:
People keep using the word "pining". And again, I have never said I was pining after her. I don't spend my days praying that she will be mine, or wallowing in my own self pity because I can't have her, or trying to devise schemes to steal her away. Instead, I take this to God each and every day looking for strength and support, and help, so I can be the best friend I can be to her. Do I struggle with all of this at times? Of course I do. But having her in my life as a dear friend is far more important to me than my feelings.

This is all part of God's plan, and I trust in Him that He will see me through this.
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OP:

Then what is it that you want from her?
What do you want to happen regarding you and her?
What to you is God's plan for the two of you?
If she finds out that you have feelings for her, what will happen next? How will her boyfriend feel about this? Because there is no guarantee that anyone in your situation can keep their feelings hidden indefinitely.
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#84
Dec 7, 2013
403
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#84
drulenarendes said:
I wouldn't even HAVE a relationship with God if not for this woman. It's clear to both of us that He was using her to bring me back into his flock. So what good would it do to say, "Thanks for bringing God back into my life, but I'm leaving you again."?
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OP:

Exactly how is this clear?
Exactly why would God do this?
 
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skylove7

Guest
#85
#85
drulenarendes said:
I wouldn't even HAVE a relationship with God if not for this woman. It's clear to both of us that He was using her to bring me back into his flock. So what good would it do to say, "Thanks for bringing God back into my life, but I'm leaving you again."?
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Brother there are millions of bibles in the world that can lead you to God
I am not going to post my opinion anymore so
Please forgive me if you disagree

But I speak truth brother...
If you have it in your mind, that this woman is your only source to God...I fear this may displease God very much, and you may never understand!

God bless you and I hope you find your peace in His Name
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#86
#86
spunkycat08 said:
OP:

Then what is it that you want from her?
What do you want to happen regarding you and her?
What to you is God's plan for the two of you?
If she finds out that you have feelings for her, what will happen next? How will her boyfriend feel about this? Because there is no guarantee that anyone in your situation can keep their feelings hidden indefinitely.
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I want to be with her, but realistically I know this may never happen. If it does, it does. But I am more than happy with the beautiful friendship we share too. I would not trade that for anything.

spunkycat08 said:
OP:

Exactly how is this clear?
Exactly why would God do this?
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I can't begin to know God's plan, so I can't answer this.
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#87
Dec 7, 2013
403
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#87
drulenarendes said:
I want to be with her, but realistically I know this may never happen. If it does, it does. But I am more than happy with the beautiful friendship we share too. I would not trade that for anything.
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So...

OP:

You are willing to take the consolation prize of friendship instead of finding someone who is not in any type of relationship and is able to devote all of their energy in developing a relationship with you.

This is sad.

Is your self-worth dependent on her?
 
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coby

Guest
#88
#88
drulenarendes said:
I wouldn't even HAVE a relationship with God if not for this woman. It's clear to both of us that He was using her to bring me back into his flock. So what good would it do to say, "Thanks for bringing God back into my life, but I'm leaving you again."?
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That's great and very understandable that you're happy with her, but God just used her. That doesn't mean He wants you to now chat with her every night. Maybe He used her so her boyfriend or pastor can help you further or whatever. Just because He used her doesn't mean you have to be close friends. Be just friends and talk to them together or in a group setting. Watch out. I had this same thing. It was amazing how open he was to the gospel. The guy almost died, I always had to pray for him, it was a miracle he was still alive and saw the Light, but I can't chat with him every night. The devil wants to spoil it. It is unhealthy for someone in a relationship to have so much contact with another guy. You create an unhealthy emotional bond that way. My marriage broke up because my ex had to chat every night with a woman who said she just wanted to help him and not destroy his marriage, great, still she did. God warned him if you don't stop talking to her your marriage and ministry will be destroyed and that happened and they're not together either.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#89
Mar 26, 2014
4,425
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#89
OP: Say what you want, claim God as much as you want, but the tone of your posts makes it clear that you pretty much worship this woman. Just how dependent on your relationship with this woman is your relationship with God?

As for connecting with other Christians, that's why a lot of us are here. You are more than welcome to stick around, post in more threads, and just generally become a part of our community. It can be a pretty good place to get some support in our struggles and wise council. Also if you haven't found a small group to be part of within your church, I'd highly recommend doing that as that tends to be where you get more connected with people.
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#90
#90
spunkycat08 said:
So...

OP:

You are willing to take the consolation prize of friendship instead of finding someone who is not in any type of relationship and is able to devote all of their energy in developing a relationship with you.

This is sad.

Is your self-worth dependent on her?
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I never said I would never be open to being with anyone else. Not once. If God wants to bring someone else into my life that I can love and cherish and spend my life with, great. I am all for that. In fact, I pray for that very thing daily, as does my friend and her boyfriend. So please stop putting words into my mouth. It is extremely frustrating.
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#91
#91
cinder said:
OP: Say what you want, claim God as much as you want, but the tone of your posts makes it clear that you pretty much worship this woman. Just how dependent on your relationship with this woman is your relationship with God?
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Well, let's see... I haven't spoken to her in over a week, and I still pray, read my Bible, go to church and spend all sorts of time with God, so I'd say I don't need her to have a relationship with Him. But she is still a very important part of my life nonetheless, and someone I always want in my life no matter what.
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#92
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
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#92
Christian chat members:

I am at a loss here regarding the OP.
 
Oncefallen

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
#93
Jan 15, 2011
6,061
3,407
113
#93
drulenarendes said:
All right. So I have a pretty big problem that I am really struggling to deal with, and I am looking for any help and support I can get, because I am just so lost and confused right now and I don't know what to do.
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spunkycat08 said:
Christian chat members:

I am at a loss here regarding the OP.
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I'm sure many of us are too.

When someone comes asking for advice and then categorically rejects every bit of it I begin to think that someone was looking for people to affirm their bad decisions rather than really looking for advice.
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#94
#94
Oncefallen said:
When someone comes asking for advice and then categorically rejects every bit of it I begin to think that someone was looking for people to affirm their bad decisions rather than really looking for advice.
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When that advice consists of nothing but telling me to walk away, yes I am going to reject it. I'm not doing that again. But if any of you have other advice on how to deal with my situation and work through it the best way that I can, I am completely open to hear what you have to say.

That is why I started this thread to begin with.
 
Oncefallen

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
#96
Jan 15, 2011
6,061
3,407
113
#96
drulenarendes said:
When that advice consists of nothing but telling me to walk away, yes I am going to reject it. I'm not doing that again. But if any of you have other advice on how to deal with my situation and work through it the best way that I can, I am completely open to hear what you have to say.

That is why I started this thread to begin with.
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I doubt you will get the advice that you are looking for since it would be irresponsible for someone to give you advice that would include you remaining engaged in your current situation.

The more you fight the idea of separating yourself from this situation, the more you convince me that you have a very unhealthy attachment to this woman.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#97
#97
drulenarendes said:
When that advice consists of nothing but telling me to walk away, yes I am going to reject it. I'm not doing that again. But if any of you have other advice on how to deal with my situation and work through it the best way that I can, I am completely open to hear what you have to say.

That is why I started this thread to begin with.
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Then treat this thread like you have treated being reasonable, just walk away. You don't want advice. As stated you want people to tell you want you want to hear. And everyone is too smart to tell you what you want to hear, because the things you want to hear are stupid. Just plain stupid. Get over her, or get over this thread.
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#98
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#98
Oncefallen said:
I doubt you will get the advice that you are looking for since it would be irresponsible for someone to give you advice that would include you remaining engaged in your current situation.

The more you fight the idea of separating yourself from this situation, the more you convince me that you have a very unhealthy attachment to this woman.
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And sadly my husband's former female friend continued to fight the idea of letting go of her feelings for my husband while 1) we were dating, 2) while we were in a committed relationship, and 3) after we got engaged.

My husband and I found out from a friend of his that after he *my husband* told her *my husband's former female friend* that he was going to propose marriage to me, she went to my husband's male friend and told him that she wanted to date my husband. My husband's male friend told her that was not possible, but she did not want to hear that because she continued to repeat herself.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#99
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
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Philippines Age 40
#99
spunkycat08 said:
And sadly my husband's former female friend continued to fight the idea of letting go of her feelings for my husband while 1) we were dating, 2) while we were in a committed relationship, and 3) after we got engaged.

My husband and I found out from a friend of his that after he *my husband* told her *my husband's former female friend* that he was going to propose marriage to me, she went to my husband's male friend and told him that she wanted to date my husband. My husband's male friend told her that was not possible, but she did not want to hear that because she continued to repeat herself.
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Some people are just masochistic by nature. They want to torture themselves and inflict pain to others too by destroying relationships. This behavior flaw is fueled by selfishness. They act like the victim but actually they get pleasure from it.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#100
#100
drulenarendes said:
When that advice consists of nothing but telling me to walk away, yes I am going to reject it. I'm not doing that again. But if any of you have other advice on how to deal with my situation and work through it the best way that I can, I am completely open to hear what you have to say.

That is why I started this thread to begin with.
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Ok,lets take a whole new path as far as advice. How about you talk to your pastor,or a youth pastor,about how you feel and how to deal with your feelings? Or an older Christian you trust that you could confide in. Maybe someone who knows you personally could give better advice. We're all giving the same advice here and its upsetting you.
 
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