A big problem with love. I could sure use some advice.

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coby

Guest
#61
#61
drulenarendes said:
First of all, and I know others have said the same thing, I have not, nor will I ever, pray for her to be mine. She is in a happy, healthy relationship and I respect that completely. She will only ever know of my feelings if her relationship were to somehow end. But right now, this is between me and God.

As far as your boundaries, a lot of these don't even pertain to our situation. We live in separate states so we obviously can't meet up. We do spend a lot of time talking on the phone and various messenger programs, but like I said before, her boyfriend (who also lives out of state) trusts her completely and is quite happy actually that she has me to talk to whenever he is not around. Which is often because we are both night owls and he has to turn in early every night because he works early in the morning. I know there are a lot of men who guard their women jealously and not allow her to get close to another man, but not this guy. He loves and accepts every man in her life (especially me) because if he's important to her, he's important to him. He's an amazing man really and I'm thankful that she has him.

All things considered, it's an ideal situation, because I am completely free to be the kind of friend I want to be to her, and the kind of friend she needs me to be to her. I probably couldn't do that if she were with anyone else. The only problem is the unwanted feelings that I never sought after. I have no idea what God wants me to do with them, but I trust that He will reveal it to me in His time. For all I know He could be using these feelings to teach me patience and perseverance, and then bring me someone who's even far better suited for me. God sees a lot more than I do, so I have to trust in Him, no matter the circumstances, no matter how much I suffer. Romans 5:3-4 says it best and I believe God is using this situation to build character and hope in me.

No matter what happens, I owe it to God, and to her, to see where this ultimately leads.
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I don't even have a boyfriend and I shared an old collegue the gospel with chat. It was awesome, God was there, He told me to do it, he was totally open, but he's also lonely and wanted to keep on chatting until the middle of the night and I like him and like to have someone to talk to, but he's a straight guy. I had to cut it off. You can't do that. You can talk a bit now and then, not alone in the middle of the night. One or both will get feelings.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#63
Jun 30, 2015
25,074
13,601
113
#63
spunkycat08 said:
OP:

I would like you to read this link.

Letting Go of a Relationship…That Doesn’t Exist | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue
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Thanks! I needed that too, not for a current situation, but as confirmation for a situation I worked through last year. In my case, the Lord quietly spoke to me and said, "She's not the one for you." It took that, a few months, and some razor-edged questions from a trusted friend to shake me out of my confusion. God really does have our best in mind!
 
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annathebunny

Guest
#64
#64
I will ask you to not to talk to her as much and distance yourself as much as possible. If you talk everyday change it to every 2 days, then every week, then every month, then even more distance like that, also if you're on facebook friends with her click the option of not seeing her posts so it wont hurt you as much. For me, I felt like a best friend started to like me a lot, and even tho we still are friends I made a decision to not talk to him everyday and distance myself. I couldn't take his behavior anymore. At one point he started getting jealous of my favorite boyband,actor,favorite male athlete and whenever I posted anything related to them or talk abt them he used to bash them and call them names and tell me that I should like what/whom he likes. I got pissed and we used to constantly get into fights mostly he'd say something to get me angry or tell me what to like and I'd tell him that it's my wish to do so and he can like or be a fan of whoever he likes but not tell me what to like and all, and at one point I have had it so I started to distance myself and not talk everyday. I feel better now and happier and so is he and I also told him that he is like a brother to me whenever I have to. For I haven't thought of him as more than a friend ever! It is really annoying when a person does that. She will start finding you annoying if you keep this up a lot. Trust me girls can tell when a guy likes her most of the time except sometimes.
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#65
#65
One more note I wanted to point out to those who are so quick to tell me to walk away from this amazing woman. She is the ONLY person in my life who is Christian. So therefore, she is the only one who can hold me accountable in my walk with Christ, she is the only one who can pick me up when I fall, and she is the only one who can encourage me to stay on God's path when I am not feeling His presence in my life, which is fairly often of late.

So please keep that in mind when you tell me to cut her from my life.
 
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annathebunny

Guest
#66
#66
I didn't tell you to cut her from your life at all in fact if she makes you a better person keep her around :) but I said dont talk everyday because it will make you like her more that is all. I saved my friend from suicide the same guy I talked about above if I had cut off our friendship because I felt he had a crush on me I would have never have saved him from suicide I did with the help of God. I still help him in anyway I can whether it's giving advice or talking abt God or cheering him up.
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#67
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#67
drulenarendes said:
One more note I wanted to point out to those who are so quick to tell me to walk away from this amazing woman. She is the ONLY person in my life who is Christian. So therefore, she is the only one who can hold me accountable in my walk with Christ, she is the only one who can pick me up when I fall, and she is the only one who can encourage me to stay on God's path when I am not feeling His presence in my life, which is fairly often of late.

So please keep that in mind when you tell me to cut her from my life.
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OP:

Have you already made your mind made up despite all of the replies from several christian chat members?

It is frustrating going back and forth with you when you do not want to listen to reality.

Your replies make me wonder if you are being stubborn for a reason.

Being stubborn does not get you positive results.
 
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skylove7

Guest
#68
#68
drulenarendes said:
One more note I wanted to point out to those who are so quick to tell me to walk away from this amazing woman. She is the ONLY person in my life who is Christian. So therefore, she is the only one who can hold me accountable in my walk with Christ, she is the only one who can pick me up when I fall, and she is the only one who can encourage me to stay on God's path when I am not feeling His presence in my life, which is fairly often of late.

So please keep that in mind when you tell me to cut her from my life.
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Oh brother!
Forgive me my opinion if you disagree...
But you glorify this woman way too much!

If you would just step back....and spend some time glorifying God more...perhaps God will lead you to the path you should take.
I pray for you
 
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skylove7

Guest
#69
#69
All I'm saying brother, is pages of these caring Christians advice and this woman has a boyfriend.
What part of that is hard to understand

I pray you will find understanding
But I am sorry to say if you spend more time glorifying this woman more than you do God in life.
I fear you will never recover from throwing yourself back into the circle of heartbreak with no path to His plan
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#70
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#70
skylove7 said:
All I'm saying brother, is pages of these caring Christians advice and this woman has a boyfriend.
What part of that is hard to understand

I pray you will find understanding
But I am sorry to say if you spend more time glorifying this woman more than you do God in life.
I fear you will never recover from throwing yourself back into the circle of heartbreak with no path to His plan
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OP:

This member is correct.

She has a boyfriend.

What part of no do you not want to get or not want to understand?
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#71
#71
spunkycat08 said:
OP:

Have you already made your mind made up despite all of the replies from several christian chat members?

It is frustrating going back and forth with you when you do not want to listen to reality.

Your replies make me wonder if you are being stubborn for a reason.

Being stubborn does not get you positive results.
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I'm not being stubborn, I'm being realistic. My life is, far far better with her being a part of it. She makes me want to be the absolute best man I can possibly be each and every day. I wouldn't even be a Christian if not for her. She helped pull me out of the trainwreck that has been my life for years. And no amount of love I feel will ever change the fact that I need this woman in my life in some way, shape or form.

I don't think it's realistic at all to remove her from my life just because of some unwanted feelings. And if I had known that all of you were going to tell me to cut the one person from my life who has done more for me than anyone else in my entire life, I wouldn't have bothered to start this thread.
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#72
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#72
drulenarendes said:
I'm not being stubborn, I'm being realistic. My life is, far far better with her being a part of it. She makes me want to be the absolute best man I can possibly be each and every day. I wouldn't even be a Christian if not for her. She helped pull me out of the trainwreck that has been my life for years. And no amount of love I feel will ever change the fact that I need this woman in my life in some way, shape or form.

I don't think it's realistic at all to remove her from my life just because of some unwanted feelings. And if I had known that all of you were going to tell me to cut the one person from my life who has done more for me than anyone else in my entire life, I wouldn't have bothered to start this thread.
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OP:

You owe it to her, to God, and to her relationship to be emotionally honest about your feelings for her.

Your acting like a friend while pining away for her is being emotionally dishonest to her, to her boyfriend, and to yourself.

That is reality.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#73
May 23, 2009
16,245
5,212
113
#73
drulenarendes said:
One more note I wanted to point out to those who are so quick to tell me to walk away from this amazing woman. She is the ONLY person in my life who is Christian. So therefore, she is the only one who can hold me accountable in my walk with Christ, she is the only one who can pick me up when I fall, and she is the only one who can encourage me to stay on God's path when I am not feeling His presence in my life, which is fairly often of late.

So please keep that in mind when you tell me to cut her from my life.
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I was curious if you have other Christian friends are your church? Do you attend a church?

What you are saying she can do for you is not something she'll be able to do if she is in a relationship with someone else. Her first responsibility will be to her boyfriend. You are expecting her to be your one and only complete Christian mentor in her life, which is unfair to their relationship and also to you.

If I need a Christian accountability partner in my life, it is highly unlikely that God will call me to seek that in a man who has a significant other.

Again, we've all seen and heard this several times over ourselves. I used to want to hang on to guys because I was the only Christian influence in their lives as well. That reasoning worked out especially well when one was an atheist. It feels like the ultimate trump card at the time: "I have God as an excuse to hang on to this person!! They'll be lost without me/I'll be lost without them!" Believe me, I know it's a knife to the heart to cut someone off, but I know your mind is made up, as was mine.

I do hope things work out for you and that you'll tell us how things go. Whenever I read your posts I remember a guy who was in almost the exact same situation here a while back, and several months later, he came back to tell us everything had happened as predicted (the girl he loved and was trying to hold on to eventually shut him out in order to cling to the other guy.) I know it hurts to hear, but THAT is generally the reality. I don't know of a single story in which the person who was pined over wound up with the one who was secretly pining for them. But I'm always interested in finding the one exception.

I'll be praying for your situation and waiting for you to tell us what happened.
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#74
#74
skylove7 said:
All I'm saying brother, is pages of these caring Christians advice and this woman has a boyfriend.
What part of that is hard to understand

I pray you will find understanding
But I am sorry to say if you spend more time glorifying this woman more than you do God in life.
I fear you will never recover from throwing yourself back into the circle of heartbreak with no path to His plan
Click to expand...
What makes you think I am placing her above God? I NEVER said that. I have been trying to explain what this woman means to me, and how much of a difference she makes in my life. But not once did I ever say she was above our Lord and Savior.

We are not meant to walk alone. That's why God gives us friends and loved ones for a reason. So we can support and encourage each other, and help each other with our walk with Christ. And for whatever reason, God sent this woman back into my life to help me, to encourage me, to draw me closer to Him. And now you are all telling me to walk away from that? I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#75
May 23, 2009
16,245
5,212
113
#75
drulenarendes said:
What makes you think I am placing her above God? I NEVER said that. I have been trying to explain what this woman means to me, and how much of a difference she makes in my life. But not once did I ever say she was above our Lord and Savior.

We are not meant to walk alone. That's why God gives us friends and loved ones for a reason. So we can support and encourage each other, and help each other with our walk with Christ. And for whatever reason, God sent this woman back into my life to help me, to encourage me, to draw me closer to Him. And now you are all telling me to walk away from that? I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.
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God isn't going to call you to draw closer and closer to Him by trying to get closer and closer to a member of the opposite sex who has a significant other.

But yes, many people tell themselves that--it happens all the time.
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#76
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#76
drulenarendes said:
What makes you think I am placing her above God? I NEVER said that. I have been trying to explain what this woman means to me, and how much of a difference she makes in my life. But not once did I ever say she was above our Lord and Savior.

We are not meant to walk alone. That's why God gives us friends and loved ones for a reason. So we can support and encourage each other, and help each other with our walk with Christ. And for whatever reason, God sent this woman back into my life to help me, to encourage me, to draw me closer to Him. And now you are all telling me to walk away from that? I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.
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OP:

She is much more than a friend to you.

It is clear by your post as well as your replies.

I am getting the impression that you want to believe whatever you want to believe despite the fact that it may not be true.
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#77
#77
seoulsearch said:
I was curious if you have other Christian friends are your church? Do you attend a church?

What you are saying she can do for you is not something she'll be able to do if she is in a relationship with someone else. Her first responsibility will be to her boyfriend. You are expecting her to be your one and only complete Christian mentor in her life, which is unfair to their relationship and also to you.

If I need a Christian accountability partner in my life, it is highly unlikely that God will call me to seek that in a man who has a significant other.

Again, we've all seen and heard this several times over ourselves. I used to want to hang on to guys because I was the only Christian influence in their lives as well. That reasoning worked out especially well when one was an atheist. It feels like the ultimate trump card at the time: "I have God as an excuse to hang on to this person!! They'll be lost without me/I'll be lost without them!" Believe me, I know it's a knife to the heart to cut someone off, but I know your mind is made up, as was mine.

I do hope things work out for you and that you'll tell us how things go. Whenever I read your posts I remember a guy who was in almost the exact same situation here a while back, and several months later, he came back to tell us everything had happened as predicted (the girl he loved and was trying to hold on to eventually shut him out in order to cling to the other guy.) I know it hurts to hear, but THAT is generally the reality. I don't know of a single story in which the person who was pined over wound up with the one who was secretly pining for them. But I'm always interested in finding the one exception.

I'll be praying for your situation and waiting for you to tell us what happened.
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I do attend a church, yes. But since I am such a new believer, I don't really know anybody as of yet.

I never said I wanted her to be the only Christian mentor in my life. But she is the only one I have in my life right now.
 
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spunkycat08

Senior Member
#78
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#78
seoulsearch said:
God isn't going to call you to draw closer and closer to Him by trying to get closer and closer to a member of the opposite sex who has a significant other.

But yes, many people tell themselves that--it happens all the time.
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OP:

This is very true.

I am beginning to wonder if this is how my husband's former female friend felt.

There are several similarities between your story and what I and my husband had to deal with regarding her pining over him.

It did not end the way she wanted it to end.

She had to move on.

You need to do the same.
 
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drulenarendes

Guest
#79
#79
spunkycat08 said:
OP:

You owe it to her, to God, and to her relationship to be emotionally honest about your feelings for her.

Your acting like a friend while pining away for her is being emotionally dishonest to her, to her boyfriend, and to yourself.

That is reality.
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People keep using the word "pining". And again, I have never said I was pining after her. I don't spend my days praying that she will be mine, or wallowing in my own self pity because I can't have her, or trying to devise schemes to steal her away. Instead, I take this to God each and every day looking for strength and support, and help, so I can be the best friend I can be to her. Do I struggle with all of this at times? Of course I do. But having her in my life as a dear friend is far more important to me than my feelings.

This is all part of God's plan, and I trust in Him that He will see me through this.
 
Oncefallen

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
#80
Jan 15, 2011
6,058
3,373
113
#80
drulenarendes said:
One more note I wanted to point out to those who are so quick to tell me to walk away from this amazing woman. She is the ONLY person in my life who is Christian. So therefore, she is the only one who can hold me accountable in my walk with Christ, she is the only one who can pick me up when I fall, and she is the only one who can encourage me to stay on God's path when I am not feeling His presence in my life, which is fairly often of late.

So please keep that in mind when you tell me to cut her from my life.
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I've found in my lifetime that people will use really bad reasons to rationalize their making bad decisions.

As a Christian you should NEVER be so isolated from the church as to only have ONE Christian in your life. and as a man your primary accountability within the church should NEVER be a woman (just as much as a woman's primary accountability should never be a man).
 
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